DP is upset with me about a joke

[Kloa]

DP told me something a few years ago that we laughed about together at the time when he told me. It was something very silly his ex had said about him to her friends, which they repeated to him. When I say silly, it was quite ridiculous and no legitimate reflection on DP’s character but it did annoy him at the time. Enough that he remembered it. An example is something like ‘you never bought me any chocolate ice cream when you knew I liked it and I’m going to hold it against you”.

I made this into a bit of a joke over the years and gave him some gentle ribbing about the topic, however the joke has never been on my DP as a person. The joke is obscure and meant to be light hearted and is about the particular topic/object.

I don’t bring it up very often, but DP and I have a very banter type relationship with some relatives and I (sober) let them in on this joke. He laughed it off at the time but held onto it all day and then was upset with me just before bed. He said he has asked me to stop doing it and I seem to enjoy taking the piss out of him.

I immediately sincerely apologised to him. I didn’t try to defend myself or anything as I do feel bad upsetting him (but I don’t remember him asking me not to repeat this before, so it did take me by surprise). After apologising he still seemed upset so I left him alone but now I don’t know if I was meant to do something more? Now there is a weird atmosphere between us and I don’t know how to unweird it. I don’t want to make it worse so I didn’t try to hug him as he didn’t appear to be very happy and was stressed. He doesn’t ever do things like this he is not a sulker or moody

I’ve been a dick and maybe he has told me to stop and I didn’t listen so I would like to put it right. What does an apology look like for you? I can’t sleep now

All you can do is continue to show him you are genuinely sorry. Your behaviour should be contrite and it sounds like it absolutely is, so I expect he'll get over it.

Yeah I think you have been a dick tbh, I’d be infuriated if DH kept harping on about some stupid ‘joke’ for years on end then brought it up with other people after I’d asked him to stop it.

Are you usually trying to make him the butt of your jokes? It sounds like you owe him a sincere apology and then stop this nonsense.

Yeah, OP, you were being a dick

Yes I wrote that I was a dick I am not asking for anyone to make me feel better/worse or tell me I am not a dick, asking more how can I redeem myself with my DP

Complete and total accountability and genuinely accepting the other person's feelings is an apology. And it sounds exactly like you have done that.

When people say it's just a joke, I'm only joking, you're too sensitive or keep doing something, that's horrible. You're not doing that.

Maybe just say 'I really underestimated the extent to which I upset you by saying that. My intention really was not to hurt you in any way. I've said I'm sorry and I mean that. I'm truly sorry. It won't come up again.'

You can't do any more than that. If someone said that to me I'd know they truly meant it. It has to be delivered with sincerity and I'm sure if this is the one thing he's upset about he'll move on. Just check there isn't any more to it from his point of view. There may be more to his upset potentially.

@Tittat50 no I am not going to tell him he’s over sensitive or anything. Thanks your suggestions are good, after I apologised I wasn’t sure what to say so an awkward silence began. I will acknowledge his feelings in the morning

You took it too far bringing others into it and humiliated him.

You can't undo that now.

Just drop the silly joke in the future, it sounds as though you've kept it up because you enjoy making his ex look silly too.

Not a great trait.

I didn’t know it annoyed him until today. He said he had told me but I am wracking my brains trying to recall this.

I got the joke wrong I didn’t intend to humiliate him.

it was quite ridiculous and no legitimate reflection on DP’s character but it did annoy him at the time. Enough that he remembered it.

That's in the OP. Not to pile on, but you knew it annoyed him. Deciding to joke about it for years was a bit of an odd decision. Unpleasant.

Anyway, people are dicks sometimes. You’ve apologised. It’ll blow over. Not sure what advice you’re looking for?

Deciding to joke about it for years was a bit of an odd decision.

I see it more as the OP constantly digging at his ex.

Some people really hate the thought their partner had a history before them.

I’m not going to defend myself to him saying I can’t recall him telling me or that I didn’t intend to humiliate him all I can be honest with strangers is that I thought he also found it amusing. I got it very wrong. I didn’t pick up on signals that he felt humiliated or wanted me to stop. I took the ‘joke’ too far maybe it was vaguely funny as a reference a couple of times a few years ago but it’s not funny anymore and I’ve had that massive realisation today.

I don’t know why I was even repeating it anymore. It was absurd to me at the time when he told me and became a stupid habit?

I am going to ask him if I do anything else he hates, I am sitting here thinking of all the things I said and do, I don’t rib or tease him about anything else we don’t really have a banter type relationship so I think this is why this ‘joke’ stands out because I have got stuck on this as an entertaining convo piece and forgotten that the person at the centre of it hasn’t detached feelings from it. I was showing off so I was a dick, I forgot this was his life I was laughing about. I don’t want to humiliate him I am mortified that I have done that

Jesus @Breadcat24 reign it the fuck in. That’s a bit OTT and you are being a massive keyboard warrior and slightly unhinged about it all. OP understands that she has overstepped and is contrite and wants to make amends, no need to make her feel worse.

Unless this is considerably bigger than you’ve described, I think you’re being a bit melodramatic. You did something dickish, he called you out and you apologised. Calm down. The world hasn’t ended.

If he wants to revisit the conversation tomorrow, listen to what he has to say and respond appropriately (avoid using terms akin to ‘humiliation’ and ‘mortification’). Do not overdramatise this.

It annoyed him that she said it. But he told me laughing. We laughed. I read this wrong or took it too far. I really did it’s on me not him.

The post wasn’t asking if I was awful, I did hurt his feelings, I was asking for advice to make amends with someone. Someone had given me great advice

Never doing it again is a priority obviously.

I have laughed at his ex, as has he. He has told me stuff and I laughed at it or thought it was stupid. She wasn’t very nice to him and I turned it into black humour but I see how I have done the same thing, reminding him off it. I don’t hate her I have developed an opinion she’s an idiot, partly based on DP telling me things that make her look that way but turns out I’m one myself so I need to consider a kinder considerate approach.

@ForZanyAquaViewer it’s so unusual and out of character for him to be upset with me. We don’t have cross words barely ever so to me it is a big deal. I care what he thinks of me and feel very disappointed in myself for mean girl behaviour

You know you were in the wrong and you've apologised sincerely. That's all you can do. If he's still quiet and not behaving normally with you, back off, give him some space and get on with something else. It will blow over. Don't keep bringing it up, you've apologised and presumably he accepted that. Get some sleep and things will probably be fine in the morning

I mean, we’ve all found ourselves doing a “bit” about a partner that has sometimes hit too close to the bone. In a healthy relationship one of you says, usually in the taxi home, hey, that part at dinner where you made fun of my X, that bummed me out, don’t do that again. If he’s never done that during years of you making this joke then you have bigger problems than the tease itself. However if you knew he hated it and were doing it anyway again, bigger problems.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. You didn't realise how you were making him feel, now he's pointed it out, you come across as gutted that you've hurt him.
In the morning i would give him a big squeeze and say I'm so sorry I've upset you, I've been really thoughtless, in fact I've been a bit of dick and didn't realise it. I hate feeling like we're not okay can we please start a fresh?
Then maybe you could get something nice to make for tea? Have a bit of a date style tea, bottle of wine forget it ever happened?

So you don't really have a banter type relationship in your relationship, but you have a very banter type relationship with some relatives? (I'm using your words.)

It was originally told to you in private as something an ex had said and you both had a laugh together but for him to remember he must have already been sensitive about it. That you repeated it privately over the years is probably annoying but I imagine it was the bringing it up and joking about it in front of others that has been the major upset. If I were your DP, I think it would be the fact you were publicly broadcasting something I'd said to you in private and that was my private information about my past relationship and not yours to broadcast that would be the thing that would potentially upset me.

I think all you can do is apologise and say you've realised how crass and insensitive you've been and you made a bad misjudgement and you're sorry and you won't bring it up again, like the person above said. Perhaps double-check whether you are doing this about other issues. It could be some of the other banter is crossing a line or not as welcome as you thought from how he's reacted. A good chat about it might be in order.

You're not a bad person, you obviously care and are trying to make amends. Some of the comments are a bit harsh. It's clear to me that it's because it seemed relatively trivial (to you) that you probably didn't think it through and didn't realise you were being hurtful or disrespectful of his feelings. But it was not your call to decide it was trivial and it was not really your story or anecdote to tell to other people let alone in a public jokey kind of way. It was a misjudgement though, not malice. So don't beat yourself up too much. I hope everything is better in the morning and you can chat it through and move forward.

You’re thoroughly unpleasant & I hope this gets removed. Totally unnecessary. Op has stated many times she feels bad.

Op, you can’t change what’s happened. Don’t beat yourself up, there’s a million more awful thing you could’ve done. You’ve apologised & you will apologise again but please let it go. We all do silly things & make decisions we regret.

OP you may have already done this but I would apologise unreservedly i.e.

I'm so sorry Steve, I know I hurt you and I promise to never do/say that again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

(No but, no just, no excuse, and no if, not even an, I didn't intend ..., because the point is you did it whether you intended it or not.)

Ask how you can make amends, (hug?)

If anyone brings it up again stop them before they get into it so it doesn't occur again.

Yeah these relatives (his) are very dark humoured, sarcastic and gossipy types. They are fun to be around but this is exactly the type of thing they enjoy talking about, taking the piss and I find myself joining in around them. I don’t think he enjoys that but he doesn’t say much, on reflection I now notice he doesn’t join in.