Partner has gone behind my back, any advice?

[Annie2024]

Hi guys, just thought I would get some advise on a situation I’ve recently been in.
so I’ve recently had a baby nearly 4 months ago now and my Nan gave me £300 to open a bank account for my little girl. This money has been sitting in her draws upstairs for a while. A few months ago my partner suggested using some of the money to pay a bill with however I was very reluctant to use any of the money as it was a gift from my nan to my baby. I did in the end agree for my partner to take £100 from the money towards some bills and to put the money back into it when we can. So last night my daughter had more money from Christmas so I went into her draw to put it all together to discover it was gone the whole lot. I started to panic and say where is the money, he started to say remember we agreed to use it all for the bills and I said i would never agree to that and I only said to use £100 of it at the time. He continued to play dumb said well he doesn’t know where it is. I was looking everywhere and so was he and I then started to say someone who’s been in the house has taken it. I finally looked at him and said did you take it all and he said yes I’m sorry.

I felt so angry that he would go behind my back and do something like this! He said apparently at the time we was really behind on some bills so he took it all and hoping to put it back before I noticed. I think it’s the fact that when I noticed the money had gone he tried to confuse me and watched me look for the money before admitting. Is this a huge red flag I should be concerned about? We have been together for nearly 9 years and just makes wonder if he’s every done this before. I know he did because we needed to pay some bills off but it’s the fact that he would take it all and not tell me I find very hurtful. Hes such a caring and loving person I’m so confused to why he would try and lie to me like this? We aren’t speaking at the moment. I really don’t know how to handle this. Any advise? 😫

I think it depends on your financial situation. If you're on maternity leave and he's covering all the bills then I think it's daft to fall behind on bills when there's cash sat in a drawer. Plenty of time to put it back.

It was wrong of him to not say something when you started looking for it though.

Yes, lying is always a huge red flag. You say he is loving and caring, but would a loving, caring person lie right to your face? Would a loving, caring person take money intended for his child without your knowledge?
Would he then gaslight you by saying you agreed he could use it all when you both know you only agreed to using part of it? How insulting to your intelligence that is.
My advice is to re-examine your assumptions about who he is. He is showing you his character, that he is fully capable of being dishonest and manipulative to serve his own interest.
I suspect you don't really know this man as well as you think you do, because he has been pretending to be someone he is not.
Why can't he pay his bills, anyway? Is he living beyond his means? That's another red flag.

@DD6798 hi thanks for the reply.
we are both paying for the bills he’s obviously paying more at the moment. I think it’s the way he’s gone about it. When we both agreed to only take £100 and he took it all when it’s not his money. It’s really questioned my trust in him. My nan is very poorly at the moment so everything she gives to our daughter means a lot her so it makes it more hurtful to me.

Would never trust him with money. It's not a red flag it's a red banner

@Monty27 thanks for the reply. Yes that’s something I’m currently thinking about. He’s never done anything like this in the 9 years we have been together. It just makes me sad that he’s done this.

You’ve just given birth to a baby and are on a reduced income due to Mat Leave. He hasn’t and isn’t. He needs to get his money up. And that includes getting another job, if necessary (it’s clearly necessary).
Is he lazy?

The lying and gaslighting you about it is a massive red flag.

Huge red flag.
He is a liar and a thief.
He stole from his child and then lied.

Lies change everything.
You need to figure out what you want butbhe has completely broken your trust and you will have to decide if you wantva future with a liar who will steal from his own child.

@Greengrasswalks hi thanks for the reply. We both earn good money and work alot of hours however we do have a lot of outgoings and it’s difficult for everyone when on Mat leave. Hes always been a good person and has always had a heart of gold so this has genuinely floored me

He’s never done anything like this in the 9 years we have been together

That you know off. If he’d have had his way you still wouldn’t know would you.

People don’t just wake up one day and decide they’re entitled to someone else’s money (particularly a child’s) and suddenly start lying and gaslighting. It’s not new. It’s just the first time you’ve witnessed it.

Financial abuse can be subtle and easy to miss. You need to go through your finances now with a fine tooth comb. You saw yourself he was happy to help you look for it. He’s not to be trusted one bit.

The gaslighting where he lets you panic and watches the building fear and worry , whilst he KNOWS it's him, whilst he KNOWS there's nothing to worry about, whilst he KNOWS your growing panic is unfounded- I couldn't get past that. That said, I'd also struggle with him having stolen from his daughter. I'm sorry your in this position OP

That's really awful behaviour. Especially making out you agreed.

@catscalledbeanz hi thanks for the reply,
yes it’s just not taking the money it’s the other multiple things that’s happened. It’s that fact that he’s watched me look for the money, tried to trick me into believing I agreed to take it all and the fact that he’s taken our daughter’s money. It’s really hard to figure out what what he was thinking and why he would do this. I think I need to sit down with him and tell him my trust in him has completely disappeared.

I'd want to know exactly what he spent it on and see the proof.

He should be ashamed of himself. If he apologises, ask him what he's sorry for and make sure he acknowledges it all. Can understand taking it all if that was a joint decision due to being needed but to claim to have discussed it with you and then watch you look for it is so wrong! Maybe he panicked in the moment and didnt know what to do.

Everything's a lot more expensive these days, and raising children is not cheap.

Due to the way in which society is set up, ‘some’ men really struggle with not being able to provide financially for their family, but stealing from your children and lying to your partner is not on.

You both earn well.
Are you living above your means?
Have you both sat down with a pen and paper or spreadsheet and gone through your new financial situation since baby was born?

You need to cut back on all unnecessary spending. Cancel all subscriptions that are a want and not a need.
Consider sharing one car, if you’re a two car household.

He sounds like a decent person before this. You need to explain how disappointed you are in him, and how his actions have made you feel. You read him the riot act and tell him expect a change in how you manage finances from today. He needs to pay his Daughter’s £300 back ASAP - go through your joint finances and set out a plan. All disposable income goes into savings accounts. Maybe you need to manage paying the bills from now on.

There are some really helpful threads on MN re. managing finances/budgeting.

What else is he lying about

He's broken your trust and apart from anything else, he needs to pay it back quickly.
But she gave you the money to open a bank account for your DD and you didn't. Why on earth did you leave it sitting in a drawer?

@FictionalCharacter because i haven’t got around to opening the account up with being very busy and also collecting more money before opening it up and it was in a money box in her nursery.

He might be ‘caring and loving’….but don’t come between him and what he wants as that is more important to him than anything;

He’s a sneak, a thief and I’d be thinking he doesn’t have too much of a conscience, if any.

I don’t think you need to justify why you hadn’t deposited the money. What’s more important is that that money wasn’t his to touch! You shouldn’t need to check whether the money was still there. Ok it was probably safer in hind sight to have put the money in the bank, but you shouldn’t have needed to, simply to keep it safe.

@Annie2024, this manipulative liar has shown zero respect for you, DD, or your grandmother. He feels entitled to steal from his newborn and gaslight you, and it won’t be the first time he has acted in an unethical manner.

Insist that he show you proof of exactly what the money was used for.

I’d be sending him away for a while for this serious breach and mockery of your trust, and would use the time/space to consider your options.

I am concerned that he may have needed the money for gambling or drugs. The bills aren’t some unknown thing. Money is tight but you both sound like you are pretty organized. So a 300 + mismatch is almost as concerning as the theft.

I can remember a long time ago my nan saying to a family member (about a relationship issue) that she’d rather have a thief than a liar. It looks like you have both.
he told you that you were behind on bills and that he took the money for that. Were the bills behind and if so did you know about it or was that another one of his lies?

This. He is utterly untrustworthy.

How close to the breadline are you? Has he had beer in the last few month or a takeaway? Been to the pub or football. If so, he didn't need the money to pay essential bills, he's just helped himself to some fun money.

I hope you have separate finances. Make sure in future that any money for your DCs is banked immediately by you. Never share your pin numbers with him. Keep a close eye on your purse, bank cards and statements.

And each time he is paid, ask him for £50 to give back to your dd.. Don't let it drop until the money is paid back. Or if he really used it for bills, cut back on household spending and put £20 a month in your Dd's ISA until the money is repaid.

It's horrible. How can you ever trust him again?

He has shown he can't be trusted with money lying about the house but 4 months is plenty of time to open a childs savings account and it would have been a priority for me.