Partner has gone behind my back, any advice?

[Annie2024]

Hi guys, just thought I would get some advise on a situation I’ve recently been in.
so I’ve recently had a baby nearly 4 months ago now and my Nan gave me £300 to open a bank account for my little girl. This money has been sitting in her draws upstairs for a while. A few months ago my partner suggested using some of the money to pay a bill with however I was very reluctant to use any of the money as it was a gift from my nan to my baby. I did in the end agree for my partner to take £100 from the money towards some bills and to put the money back into it when we can. So last night my daughter had more money from Christmas so I went into her draw to put it all together to discover it was gone the whole lot. I started to panic and say where is the money, he started to say remember we agreed to use it all for the bills and I said i would never agree to that and I only said to use £100 of it at the time. He continued to play dumb said well he doesn’t know where it is. I was looking everywhere and so was he and I then started to say someone who’s been in the house has taken it. I finally looked at him and said did you take it all and he said yes I’m sorry.

I felt so angry that he would go behind my back and do something like this! He said apparently at the time we was really behind on some bills so he took it all and hoping to put it back before I noticed. I think it’s the fact that when I noticed the money had gone he tried to confuse me and watched me look for the money before admitting. Is this a huge red flag I should be concerned about? We have been together for nearly 9 years and just makes wonder if he’s every done this before. I know he did because we needed to pay some bills off but it’s the fact that he would take it all and not tell me I find very hurtful. Hes such a caring and loving person I’m so confused to why he would try and lie to me like this? We aren’t speaking at the moment. I really don’t know how to handle this. Any advise? 😫

@DreamW3aver personal attacks is breaking the rules. I wanted to get some support from other mums not this. Shame I’m going to have to get thread deleted now.

What was the plan/ budget for you maternity leave? Should there in theory be enough money coming in to cover all bills?

Which bills were you behind on and can he show that these are now up to date? Going forward - have you been through the budget to confirm there’s enough to cover all bills until you’re back up to full income?

Im ok in theory with using money that was a gift to a DC to cover essential bills - no point a baby having money sitting in the bank when there’s no heating to keep them warm or the roof over their head is at risk. But I’d be very concerned that it came to that to be honest - unless there were some major unexpected bills that cropped up you weren’t expecting (car repairs needed, boiler died and needed replacing).

If it was just your regular bills then why was it allowed to come to a situation where you couldn’t meet them without taking your child’s money, and how will you manage as a family to cover them going forward without having to resort to taking money meant for your child again, or when there are no more gifts left.

If the outgoings are too high at the moment can they be reduced? If it’s debts - can they be consolidated, or can you look at either freezing or reducing payments until you’re earning in full?

Either way, I’d want to be clear on what the plan was to ensure you can a) meet your essential outgoings, b) repay your DD’s money and c) put some aside for emergencies so that you don’t need to take from DD’s money again. Only once I was clear on that could I think about moving forward - and it would probably be a long time before I trusted your partner again. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving cash around the house any more, and I’d be taking a much more active role in knowing exactly what we have coming in and going out rather than leaving things to him to sort.

I can see no personal attacks but do report them and MN will delete them if they agree.

@Hoppinggreen I can and I have done thank you.

Because you're not quoting it's hard to follow but what people are saying is that you can't just tell another poster not to post

The truth can be hard to read

@DreamW3aver considering it’s my post I do have the to say that. people on here feel the right to leave such comments. But thank you

I don't see personal attacks. If you post on mn you can receive some robust replies which can challenge your thinking and are uncomfortable to read.

It's not a questions of "rights", you post your situation in a public place and anyone's allowed to comment

Clearly this thread isn't helping you, maybe hide it but accept the possibility that what posters are saying is correct and reflect on that

Thank you guys for the responses I’ve got some good advice from some people. I would like to leave it there now guys thank you

Don’t ask people who tell lies more questions. You’ve already done that and he lied to you.

Instead independently verify if this is a pattern of behaviour.

Tell him you want full financial disclosure, all bank statements, credit cards and credit reports, the lot. There’s no point discussing it until you know what you’re dealing with.

Whats his relationship like with your family? Because he’s been really disrespectful and deceptive to your nan as well. I’d feel quite sick if I was her.

But him stealing and lying about the baby's money stems from the fact that two people with good jobs are failing to pay their bills.

The first would not have happened if it wasn't for the latter. They are interwined.

@INeedAnotherName okay thank you

Wow are you this rude in real life?

I don't think there's anything "seriously wrong" with OP at all. Plenty of people who earn well struggle when one is on maternity leave, because suddenly you have a lot less money coming in every month.

Dearie me. I can comment on any thread I like. As can you or anyone.

Gosh. Im glad I don't have a thief for a husband though.

Sorry. You can't dictate who posts what and where.

This is the stone cold truth.

@Annie2024 one poster has been rude, don't stare at that one but look at the supportive ones. Ofcourse mat leave is hard for everyone. But he ought to have asked your permission before taking all money. And he should have fessed up when you discovered it was gone. But if he's otherwise a reliable nice person I would forgive if he realises that what he did was really awful. Especially the lying. Good luck OP 💓

I agree with this.
I feel for you OP, because this is really shocking.
He isn't who you thought he is at his core.
Just awful for you.
Protecting yourself is paramount.

Sadly he does not have a ' heart of gold '

he is a liar and a thief

When the banks reopen in January make the time to open the child's account.

Banks are open tomorrow!

I'm only as rude as you.

They had nine months to start budgeting properly knowing they will only have one and a half wages coming in, she's only been on maternity for four months but they are already struggling to the point where he has to steal. If they are both being well paid they will have had the options of credit cards etc to pay those bills so the whole setup is very weird. Where the hell is their money going if they can't cover basic bills? Gambling? Drugs? Which might explain why he lied so easily if he's been trying to hide an addiction from her. She needs to stand back and look at it as a whole and not zoom in onto this bit. It's all intertwined and she needs to start unpicking it from the beginning - money in vs money out, follow the trail.