Partner has gone behind my back, any advice?

[Annie2024]

Hi guys, just thought I would get some advise on a situation I’ve recently been in.
so I’ve recently had a baby nearly 4 months ago now and my Nan gave me £300 to open a bank account for my little girl. This money has been sitting in her draws upstairs for a while. A few months ago my partner suggested using some of the money to pay a bill with however I was very reluctant to use any of the money as it was a gift from my nan to my baby. I did in the end agree for my partner to take £100 from the money towards some bills and to put the money back into it when we can. So last night my daughter had more money from Christmas so I went into her draw to put it all together to discover it was gone the whole lot. I started to panic and say where is the money, he started to say remember we agreed to use it all for the bills and I said i would never agree to that and I only said to use £100 of it at the time. He continued to play dumb said well he doesn’t know where it is. I was looking everywhere and so was he and I then started to say someone who’s been in the house has taken it. I finally looked at him and said did you take it all and he said yes I’m sorry.

I felt so angry that he would go behind my back and do something like this! He said apparently at the time we was really behind on some bills so he took it all and hoping to put it back before I noticed. I think it’s the fact that when I noticed the money had gone he tried to confuse me and watched me look for the money before admitting. Is this a huge red flag I should be concerned about? We have been together for nearly 9 years and just makes wonder if he’s every done this before. I know he did because we needed to pay some bills off but it’s the fact that he would take it all and not tell me I find very hurtful. Hes such a caring and loving person I’m so confused to why he would try and lie to me like this? We aren’t speaking at the moment. I really don’t know how to handle this. Any advise? 😫

It isn't his money nor is it yours. How can you ever trust him again. He stole from your baby.

@Chowtime hi. I can appreciate that. I feel that’s not something you could comment on. It’s nothing to do with anybody. I chose to keep the money in a money box at home and save it up, fyi my priory is looking after my baby at the moment. My daughter was born 4 months ago I only was given the money 2 months ago even though I don’t need to justify this.

Right. But if you stay with your partner then you cannot leave money lying around at home anymore that isn't his.

I'd open a bank account for your dd pronto. And keep an eye on your cash in the house.

He’s a thief and a liar. He’s stolen from his own child - he’s a lowlife.

I was looking everywhere and so was he
That is the part that really goes beyond what was already a shitty thing to do. He shouldn’t have used all the money after you’d agreed £100, but then to pretend to be looking for it is just so spineless it’s repulsive.

NO couple should have one person taking care of bills, budgets etc. Both should be involved and and know what the family financial situation is. This is an example of why and there are others but I think the most important is that if the money person is ever unable to deal with the task it’s likely to be for a bad reason (ill health, they’ve left or died) and that is a horrible time to need to learn about money management.

I wouldn’t be able to trust him with money after this, trust him to keep me informed about such an important part of my life. At the very least I’d want to see statements every month.

You earn well but need to take your baby's gifts to pay the bills. Something is not adding up and he is gaslighting you by saying you agreed to use it all. Pay the rest in asap otherwise that will soon disappear.

I agree
Its unusual to pay bills in cash, or is he saying he put it in the bank and then paid from his account?
IF it did go on household bills I think i could forgive him but if he spent it down the pub or similar then I couldn't

Cheeky bastard. Not his money to use on bills. He's a thieving shit. I would be livid. He needs to pay it back and fast.

@Hoppinggreen yes he deposited into the bank account. My partner doesn’t drink he doesn’t go the pub. I’m sure he did use the money for bills but it’s just the way he’s gone about it.

@LIZS yes we earn well but have have a alot of outgoings. Mat leave is tough for everybody. I’m just disappointed how’s hes gone about it

When you agreed he could use £100 did he then take £300 and put it in his bank all at once?

Have you seen his bank statement from that time?

This man is very comfortable lying to you. And the only way people get comfortable is because they’re well practised at it. The odds that this is the first time he’s been financially abusive or lied to you is very low.

How are you sure he used the money for bills? Because he told you? And did you really simply believe him? Ime you will find yourself doubting his every word. And that is no way to live.

If you both earn well but are struggling to pay bills then there is something seriously wrong with you both.

Sit down and work out what you can stop or reduce whilst you are on maternity. You are both waving red flags imo.

You need to both sit down and work out finances now - what your incomings and outgoings are at what if any shortfall there is.

there are two options here, one he is a liar and a thief or

you are lacking money and he panicked and didn’t know how to tell you it had all gone and where you are financially

maternity leave isn’t easy financiallu

so you need a open and honest conversation and spreadsheets

And check all your benefits

I posted this on looking for advice on how to handle this situation and how to respond to partner. I did not come on here for people to leave remarks and criticism on my personal finances. I thought this website was for support not knocking other mums down. People have absolutely no right to question people’s finances when they don’t have a clue about it. if you’re going to leave any comments on my personal finances then don’t bother commenting.

Hi @Annie2024

I’m sorry this happened. I can imagine how upset you must be & that it’s making you question everything, especially as you’ve been together 9 years & it involves money - a gift - for your daughter. I would be exactly the same.

I know that everyone makes mistakes. I can also understand that sometimes people initially lie as a knee jerk reaction to being caught out or panicking in the moment (for whatever reason)…but for me, I think I’d be stuck on the fact he not only watched me look for the missing money - knowing fine well he’d spent it - but actively helped me search for it.

I don’t really have any advice, but just wanted to say I sympathise & would be feeling the same way. I think you have to decide if this is out of character, if there’s another reason for his behaviour, and if you can trust him again. Ultimately, I would listen to your gut. Good luck ❤️

@Sleepypixxie hi thank you for this! Yeah it’s really disappointing, he’s always been such a good person so this has really surprised and never thought it would do this. Yes I think it could be the fact that when I was looking for it, he started to panic and wasn’t sure what to do. I do need to sit down with him and ask these questions, I haven’t done this because I’ve just needed to time to myself.

Your joint spending pattern is fundamental to how and why the situation has arisen and why you need to secure your dd's xmas money before he asks to use it. Can you continue to trust him not to lie again? What assurances can he give you that he will not need to take it again?

Because his actions have opened up a can of worms.

You can't isolate this incident. You'd be a fool to do that.

Also erm, sorry to break it to you but this is a forum where anyone can listen to anything they like regardless of your preferences.

"People have no right". 😂

My exh lied about money. I divorced him. It took me back to when we had a Wedding Fund money box and some had gone missing.. Ds was blamed. In truth it was more likely exh...
Things will ime start adding up now for you op.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes please stop commenting on my thread.

Doesn't work like that
As long as they don't break Talk Guidelines people can continue to post.

Anyone can post on any thread as long as they don't break the rules

Your partner is both a thief and a liar, don't ignore the warning signs. How would your man feel if you told her what has happened? Is £300 a significant amount for her to give your child?