Explaining narc mother to other people

[Skeena77]

Hi there,

Here is a question for everyone who has a narcissistic/ abusive mother. I have hardly any contact with her and my father is dead. My daughters don’t either as she said she didn’t want any contact with them (but then she went and told everyone that I wouldn’t let her see her granddaughters). I’m more or less feeling okay with low contact (obs I don’t feel okay with never having had a real mother, but having little contact with her is the best solution imo).

Question: what do you say to people who ask about your mum / family. Like, „are you visiting your mum for Christmas?“ etc. I’ve just started a new job in a new city and this kind of small talk happens all the time and I don’t have a good reply. I don’t want to open up to colleagues and strangers too much but I also don’t want to appear rude.

thank you other mummies for helping!

Just say no.
You don't need to explain and people probably won't get it anyway.

Dies she have an official diagnosis? Or do you just not get along with her?

If it's someone I'm not overly close to or they don't know my situation I'll reply "No, she's doing her own thing, I'll visit at some point hopefully soon"

They don't need to know that "at some point hopefully soon" means her funeral.

Not this year. She's doesn't like the fuss of christmas so we do our own thing.

I like the “doing her own thing” comment.

I think its quite common for people who are estranged from family members —even with very good reason— to feel a kind of overflowing self consciousness or secondary embarrassment from discussions of family with normies. Like you are a secret convict with some crime you are hiding from good society.

But its really not the case that people can tell by looking at you, or listening to clues in your speech, that you are defective in some way or that the family estrangement us your “fault.”

Idle chit chat that includes some discussion of family is not really a very significant social glue or mutual evaluation technique. If people say something about their mothers you don’t have to respind in kind, or only very obliquely. Treat it like the weather. “Sunny out isn’t it? Yes, it is—will you be attending this concert/going boating/planning a holiday?” Just agree that mothers exist and then change the subject.

Thanks this is a really helpful way to look at this. Yes, definitely agree re your first paragraph

Like you could ever persuade a narc that they might need to seek a diagnosis.

How obvious could you make it that you have zero experience of a narc mother!

I decided to go no contact with my narc father. I have only told one friend of mine as she has a narc mother and she understands. You don’t have to say anything to anyone unless they are very close friends.
Believe me, so many of your colleagues they are either already no/low contact or would like to be with their narc parents.
Something along the lines “spending Xmas with family” is fine. You don’t have to explain your situation to people you hardly know. None of their business. And who cares about their opinion at the end of the day?

That made me laugh.😂

They are probably already really stressed with being obliged to spend Christmas with their own families anyway 😅

To be honest yes some people will immediately think it's your fault but most people are understanding and will stop prying. I've been no contact for twenty years and 2 things I have learnt the hard way, 1. You really do not owe anyone an explanation or your story and 2. You will be judged so learn to be ok with your decision because there will be arseholes who sense your shame and self consciousness about it and they will use it against you guilt you, pity you, gossip about you or just start avoiding you. You have to be ok with your decision of no contact and you get there by acceptance and awareness that you are a. The victim and b. Entitled to boundaries and wellbeing and c. You know your own lifestory better than any outsider if you decide to go no contact trust your own decision others understanding and validation is nice but not essential to your decision being the right one for you.

So back to your question
Are u visiting mum this christmas?

No what about you what will you be doing this xmas? Deflect to them
Not this year, and change subject
Maybe next christmas and then ask them something or change subject
Or just say we're visiting x or we'll be doing this and that So you avoid answering with a negative. Most people ask just to be social and polite they really do not care or want to know how your mother hurt you or hear that she is a narc. Like just on this thread we have posters being snarky about narc behaviour.. you do not owe them an explanation or justification..if they ask as a general chat they dont care and if they ask because they really want to know about your mother then it will be a nosey parker because anyone who cares about you and knows you wouldn't ask this anyway.

Talk us through your life growing up.

Why do you feel your mother is a narcissist?

Does she have an official diagnosis?

I just say either:
No, she was abusive towards me as a child and so I don't see her.
or
No, she's crazy and stalks me so I cut her out of my life 20 years ago to protect my children.

Very few narcs go for therapy plus a therapist would rarely give this diagnosis to a narc. Most likely they would find an excuse to stop therapy with them.

If it’s a stranger then I give a generic answer like “Yes, we see her every Boxing Day”

With colleagues I would want to keep my answers consistent so I say something vague like “I won’t be seeing my mum as I’m going to MIL’s instead “ “My mum doesn’t celebrate Christmas “ (she’s not English so this works well), “She lives overseas and there’s not enough time for my kids to see their Dad and travel” or “She’s working over Christmas so maybe in January” Most people won’t ask extra questions as I’ll quickly switch to “what about you?”

It's too much trauma dump to tell people of child abuse etc. You have to understand they either ask because its polite chitchat in which case they really do not want or need to know or they are nosey and want juicy gossip in which case you don't need to give them any ammunition.
Some people might be silenced by shock but you have to be prepared some will see it as an open invitation to dig into your wounds and your life picking at thr scabs, why the hell would you have this conversation with randoms or work colleagues?
You would look unhinged to share, trauma dump, this huge story on someone asking a seemingly inocuous question. Just don't! I have done this when drunk in the first year of no contact and I ended up alienated or pitied. Do not recommend.

Have you considered a reply like “My mum likes to go away for Christmas “?

It shows how it's just best to ask open questions like what are your plans for Christmas break/holidays?
This goes for asking people who turn out to be recently bereaved or going through terminal illness or divorce. It's just best to kept light open and general. I've put my foot in it when someone has just burried his wife or first Christmas without mum... and yes we all survived and they were gracious ans understood i didn't mean to but really.. it's just best not to assume.

Yes good replies here. I usually get ah you wont have her forever. Sure they dont have a clue. I see her but its short visits its plenty. Those with easy families dont understand

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I wish you strength and healing! Christmas is an especially hard time of year and it is terrible that your own mother treated you that way.

Thank you for your thoughts on my question too. For me personally, I don’t want to mention abuse etc. (even though it’s similar in my case) because I just don’t want to open up so much to people I don’t really know. So for me personally right now, the changing topic and something like, „she doesn’t like the fuss“ is a good answer.

That’s so true. I totally wish people didn’t assume so much. Like, even to assume that we still have parents isn’t really on. But in a way, it’s easier for me to say that my dad is dead than it is to say that my mum is alive and that we won’t see her (of her own choice).

When people ask questions like that, they aren't really seeking information, they are just being friendly. It is absolutely fine to brush the question off with something vague and generic like "We're just having a quiet Christmas ."

In fact, how many times have you heard the phrase "a quiet Christmas"? It is pretty much a code for "Something about Christmas is sad or difficult for me; I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it by keeping things minimal."

Most families have something difficult to deal with that becomes particularly hard at this time of year. So most people are more-or-less sensitive about leaving this sort of vague answer unchallenged.

If you happen to get one of the less sensitive questioners, then a second, similarly vague answer, is generally all that's needed, if necessary with a deflecting follow-up "What are your plans?"

If you are finding Christmas conversations hard, just remind yourself that many of the people you are smalltalking with are engaged in their own strategic vagueness. Don't imagine that they all have some cosy fantasy version of Christmas that you are an outcast from.

The posts on here about Christmas when a family member has SN have provided me with food for thought. It has made me reconsider how to phrase things because there’s clearly a lot of variations that I hadn’t considered and I don’t want to make people feel down, defensive or embarrassed.