Explaining narc mother to other people

[Skeena77]

Hi there,

Here is a question for everyone who has a narcissistic/ abusive mother. I have hardly any contact with her and my father is dead. My daughters don’t either as she said she didn’t want any contact with them (but then she went and told everyone that I wouldn’t let her see her granddaughters). I’m more or less feeling okay with low contact (obs I don’t feel okay with never having had a real mother, but having little contact with her is the best solution imo).

Question: what do you say to people who ask about your mum / family. Like, „are you visiting your mum for Christmas?“ etc. I’ve just started a new job in a new city and this kind of small talk happens all the time and I don’t have a good reply. I don’t want to open up to colleagues and strangers too much but I also don’t want to appear rude.

thank you other mummies for helping!

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I wish you strength and healing! Christmas is an especially hard time of year and it is terrible that your own mother treated you that way.
Thank you for your thoughts on my question too. For me personally, I don’t want to mention abuse etc. (even though it’s similar in my case) because I just don’t want to open up so much to people I don’t really know. So for me personally right now, the changing topic and something like, „she doesn’t like the fuss“ is a good answer.

That’s so true. I totally wish people didn’t assume so much. Like, even to assume that we still have parents isn’t really on. But in a way, it’s easier for me to say that my dad is dead than it is to say that my mum is alive and that we won’t see her (of her own choice).

I never tried to explain. My mother bad mouthed all three of her children when one by one we went NC. If people asked how she was I'd say fine and shut the conversation down.

No, we prefer doing Christmas just the 3 of us.

No, we see her at other times. (Lie or not , how would they know)

Not this year.

No, she's doing her own thing/holidaying in Egypt/ going to my sibling (if you have one)/aunt/whomever.

No , I have something else planned with DD's.

What about you?

Most people honestly don't care and they're just making conversation. Any short and breezy answer will do, especially if you redirect attention back to them/their lives/plans.

Usually you don’t need to be specific- no were with the in laws/brother/sister this year is usually enough.
If pushed I say she’s not your average mum, or unfortunately she’s rather difficult so we can’t always manage it etc. I find people tend to accept that better than ‘we don’t get on’. It’s clearer that I’m not being nasty and it’s not just a personality clash.

It's much easier for me now. She's passed away when people ask that question but previous to that I used to just tell them no my mum is working over Christmas because she usually was she was a care manager and as you know caring is 24 seven I always thought it was ironic that she was so good at that job. Hope you've had a lovely Christmas.

Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your experiences. I’m so sorry that your own mother was so uncaring towards you, the one person who deserved her care most. My female parent (it feels easier to write that than the m word because she was honestly never that) is retired with lots of time on her hands. I think for me being vague is easier than saying she’s working. just saying something like „she doesn’t like Christmas“ or „she doesn’t like to travel“ which is all true anyway might work. I guess it’s about the delivery too and I have to practice that! :-)

Hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas too.

I really like the „she’s not your average mum“ line if pushed. I’ve thought of saying something along the lines of „she’s psychologically unstable“ but that sounds super heavy so your line is better for the if pushed stage…

My response is 'oh I have no family left in this country and my sibling is in Outer Mongolia so it's just us'.
I'm not saying that they're alive or dead, but it draws a line under things decisively.

Hiya parental alienation, I like your name here btw. Your response is clear but I don’t think it suits my personality as the first reply because I feel like it’s a bit too abrupt for me. Some of the people asking are colleagues and maybe even superiors who actually mean well (I think). They think I’m „normal“ and assume there will be Christmas visits. So for me the breezy reply is the best like „she’s not so keen to travel“ and „we‘ll see her when there’s a longer break“ (we won’t, but they don’t need to know that) are easier I think…

I would give answers that suggest she's busy/otherwise engaged or just not the plan this year.

Saying she doesn't like to travel might prompt another question of "oh, do you not go to hers?" Or some practical suggestions that might put you on the spot.

OP there are a lot of shit parents around.

For decades since mine have died I've had strangers tell me how awful some of their parents are. This is normally when the person making annoying small talk about seeing their parents had f**ked off to talk to someone else.

I used to volunteer, so helped, elderly people 1-2-1 and it often became quite clear within half an hour why some people didn't have contact from any family members and neighbours, while others had neighbours helping them including some wanting to know who I was.

Unfortunately lots of people try to excuse their parents, mainly mothers, awful behaviour so I had to say that behaviour was not ok.

Just tell anyone who asks about your parents that mum had her own plans and you will be seeing her soon, then add your dad is dead and died x years ago at the end. Stating someone is dead normally means you can change the subject easier. So change it to ask them about their plans or asking them about a film that's out now/the local panto/ your new years resolution/whatever.

That’s a good point. Thanks for thinking about that… hmm… maybe just saying that we‘ll try to visit over a longer vacation is better then (and then we won’t but I’m guessing they won’t keep track…)

This is why the OP feels she needs a stock response.
Only the victims of a narcissist understand.

They think I’m “normal”…

I loved this. It’s so true. Normal people have mothers they want to see!

We have mothers that are not very motherly.

Another one I use is, ‘she’s a bit complicated’. That hints at problems without sounding judgey, and is mysterious enough people don’t like to pry.

Ive not got a relationship with a sibling, (I've had to have police involved at points) I get asked at times this sort of thing- my response is ' I don't see him now, we had a difficult relationship' and then would chat to the other person about what they are doing. What I would say- (my relative had a very public issue involving police etc 18 months ago that the whole community seemed to know about) and I had lots of people asking about it all etc- what I did learn from that, is that mostly people are very sensitive and quick to realise you aren't involved, and also lots would then mention about difficult family relationships they have in empathy. I think a lot of people have family stuff going on.

Tell me you have no experience of dealing with a mother like this without telling me you have no experience of dealing with a mother like this.

You are all normal as you refuse to put yourself repeatedly in situations where the same person can abuse you.

Your abuser or abusers whether they your mother, father, brother, sister or anyone else are not normal.

It's not normal to be abusive to people you know specially close relatives - which is why they do it. You are supposed to be ashamed to be the victim of their abuse so they aren't abusive and you are a liar if you point out their behaviour.

I am honest and say I don't plan on seeing her now or ever! Cuts the conversation short which I'm happy with as I hate talking about her, she doesn't deserve my breath x

OP doesn’t have to justify herself to you.

These are my scripts that I use to explain I’m a single Mum whose son is with his Dad this year and that I have one relative left - a Mother who screamed abuse and insults at me for most of my childhood. I follow up a fact and truth with a positive

statement so as to keep the conversation ‘nice’ and redirect the conversation. Most people are just making small talk and some
are judgmental because they live in wonderland and can’t understand & you shouldn’t care. Life is easier when you don’t feel judged & exposed though. Wrap the truth in a bow, pat them on their headand send them on their merry way to drink egg nog and live in ignorant bliss….

None of this is a lie it’s just repackaged. Notice how I leave out the part about eating oven baked chips alone on Christmas & pizza & watching poldark…

“I won’t see my Mum this Christmas but she’s off with friends and never short of company. We did see each other to play Christmas carols on the piano last week”

“My little boy spent Christmas with his Dad & big family at their holiday house. He jumped off jetties and swam with dolphins and called me about how he was having the best time. It was really nice to be able to relax and unwind and have a like knowing he was happy. We,
open gifts and celebrate Christmas on another day together…to me the calendar dates don’t matter but my son being happy does.”

I would say with a nonchalant tone "we are not that close" although I prefer to give no information and just say no. If it's someone I'm friendly with I probably would say in an upbeat way "no she's with her golden child, im such a disappointment because I won't take her shit anymore" with a laugh and a grin. Just a really short comment not a big long justification and nothing in my tone that says I need comfort or to vent about it. If randoms question my evasive answers I answer with things like "just nasty shit" "crappy childhood" no details. Short sweet with a tone of voice that says fuck off and drop it

My mum is full blown narc rings child services all the time lies. She hates me and tried to destroy me in eyes of all that will listen. I have lost two older kids to her lies. Her whole being is focused on my destruction. Many dont believe me and think that sweet lady is heartbroken you cut her out. There is no explanation or changing people's view of me. Ive accepted it and just live my life it hurts everyday and is embarrassing but hey one day they will see. I just have to wait.

Disagree. People should learn not to ask questions they don’t really want the answer to. If they pry further it’s easy to say “I don’t want to go into details but that’s how it is”.

I just say a variation of “no, my parents are crap”/“I hate Christmas so I’m avoiding it”/“I’m doing my own thing”/“I don’t have the kind of family I enjoy spending time with”. While these aren’t as extreme as saying “no my parents are abusive”, perhaps some people’s parents really are so horrendous that this feels like the only fitting thing to say. I don’t see any reason to make the truth more palatable just because it makes people uncomfortable. That’s their problem.