Explaining narc mother to other people

[Skeena77]

Hi there,

Here is a question for everyone who has a narcissistic/ abusive mother. I have hardly any contact with her and my father is dead. My daughters don’t either as she said she didn’t want any contact with them (but then she went and told everyone that I wouldn’t let her see her granddaughters). I’m more or less feeling okay with low contact (obs I don’t feel okay with never having had a real mother, but having little contact with her is the best solution imo).

Question: what do you say to people who ask about your mum / family. Like, „are you visiting your mum for Christmas?“ etc. I’ve just started a new job in a new city and this kind of small talk happens all the time and I don’t have a good reply. I don’t want to open up to colleagues and strangers too much but I also don’t want to appear rude.

thank you other mummies for helping!

Acceptance. Compassion.

I accept that I didn’t have the mother I needed, I accept that my lovely, amazing dad actually chose not to protect me.
I am compassionate to the little girl who wasn’t properly parented and I nurture her when I can.

I accept my mum didn’t have it within her to do better. She has no understanding of genuine relationships. She doesn’t know the rules, and can’t understand why it doesn’t work when she performs parenting so well yet none of us like her and we all avoid her. She is genuinely unhappy. Her rage is a mask for her sadness. It’s far easier to know it’s our fault than to fear it’s something she has done.

I genuinely feel sorry for her, for her lack of ability to emotionally connect, for the emptiness she masks with drama and demands.
In the same way she doesn’t genuinely care about us, she doesn’t think we care about her. She left me in limbo a month ago having announced something alarming and dramatic and serious. She then went silent. It didn’t occur to her that I would be waiting anxiously to hear what had happened. My sister has done similar. Out of sight is out of mind.

It’s all very contradictory- the whole making herself the centre of the world, making the rest of us supporting characters- it comes from deep deep inadequacy. She’s massively stressed by my not trying desperately hard to impress people, look my best, make an entrance. She thinks it’s very odd that I think I am ‘enough’. I should spend hours getting ready, days deciding what to wear, then walk in to a round of applause and compliments.

I don’t know how or why, but at an early age probably around mid teens, I decided that I was going to get a career and not let them get to me. I suppose I went a bit grey rock.
It worked as far as career went, but any success upped the emotional abuse and jealousy. I hated my wedding day as she was liable to do or say something to ruin it. I kept it as low key as possible.
Despite having my own lovely family, I had to go NC to protect them from her. I have always had underlying anxiety, which I’ve learnt to hide. Christmas is a particularly bad time for me, as well.

I started reading between the lines and hearing stories about my grandmother who was a vile human being. My uncles and aunts all mentioned stories of utter cruelty and neglect - especially for the girls. My mum was the youngest girl, and the last one left in the house, so was basically left to be Cinderella for the five boys still there and expected to send all her pay home to support them as well. It doesn’t justify what she did, but it I get that not everyone evolves. She had no support. It wasn’t a thing in the 60’s & 70’s. Dad was basically a robot.

Thank you for your replies @SensibleSigma @Beebumble2 @Fraaances . It's all relatable. I do recognise my mother as deeply damaged by her own upbringing - she talks little of it but I know she was trapped in the same dynamic she has gone on to replicate with her own family. She was the scapegoat, with her sister as the golden child and her own mother had been orphaned as a child and lived with a wicked, cold grandmother who couldn't show love. Trapped in a cycle of history constantly repeating itself. I can feel compassion for her on some level but the pain she has inflicted over the years make it difficult. Unfortunately she's taken it most out on me as scapegoat whereas her golden child can do no wrong.

There is another older sibling involved who takes after her to a tee - full blown narcissist, who loves being the centre of drama and will select whos in and out of the inner circle, dependent on what they can do for her or their status. She bullied me relentlessly throughout childhood and I'm completely no contact now although she still spreads gossip and lies to the wider family. I have never been allowed contact with her children and told explicitly " they're MY children, you're not allowed to speak to them"if I was ever at a family event or birthday etc. Obviously Classic narcissist behaviour to view your children as mere possessions you own but Very hard to take when you're 15 years old and desperately low in self esteem and your own mother has also decided you're defective. Bullying on top of bullying.

Interesting how some of you have touched on the role of the father in all this. I worshipped my dad but he was always a heavy drinker and he hit the bottle when they were divorced when I was ten. He couldn't " father" appropriately and his stock answer to my mother and sisters behaviour was to just ignore it, don't let it get you down etc, not realising that a child needs more guidance and support and help than a glib response. He wasn't strong enough to challenge her or step up to take over the parenting. I didn't have one stable adult figure my entire life. Needless to say I've been left with a legacy of anxiety and depression!

I admire you all for getting through life as best you can and getting to the stage of acceptance! I'm stuck in the the mire of processing it all really and assessing the damage it's inflicted. Christmas time is pretty much always the trigger. I hope peace comes to us all.

“No, we don’t really get on. I’m having Christmas with (my own family / my dog / me myself and I)”

Not a lie, not an evasion, not hard?

@HogmanyHogwash it is hard. I have struggled at different times.

But after a while recognition makes it easier. So I can get irritated about her behaviour, but remind myself that it’s all about her and not a reflection on me, that it’s just the usual misbehaviour and not surprising etc.

And brag inside my head and occasionally out loud at having broken the cycle. Repeatedly and shamelessly. My kids are awesome and have people wrangling skills that are unusual in young men their age. They are that unusual phenomenon, techie and exceptional communicators. They can state boundaries. They can receive bad behaviour without taking it personally. They can work with someone awkward without feeling damaged by it.

They learned how to negotiate my mum, while remaining kind and patient. 😄

Good luck and happy new year to all wrestling with similar!

HogmanayHogwash it’s sounds as if things were really rough for you and your explanation of your mother’s narcissism is interesting.
I wonder how many explanations of narcissism there are. My mother grew up as the eldest child of four, in a loving family of professionals with their own business. I suspect ( actually know from family anecdotes) she was spoilt by my Grandfather, therefore golden child.
My father’s father died when he was 4, about the time of the Great Depression, and as the eldest took on the role of control, therefore getting what he wanted.
Two narcissists marrying was never going to work. My elder brother was also a Golden child with narcissistic tendencies.

Oh your family dynamic is interesting and yes, somewhat different from my own as in what/ who was at the core of the narcissism throughout the generations. The end results are definitely the same though - utter, widespread destruction of the family structure.

I think in my mother's case, she felt so unseen and invisible growing up she sought to wrestle control as an adult. She latched on to my father as a weak person who she could dictate to and would do as she said. Her self esteem was shockingly low - if she felt shamed or humiliated outside the housr, say in a shop or at work, she would crawl into her shell and wither whilst her children bore the brunt of her misplaced rage. She demanded absolute adoration and attention from us. Nothing was good enough and she kept a perfect house - a biscuit crumb on the floor would lead to screaming and tantrums, not being quick enough to help with the dishes would lead to accusations of laziness, silent treatment was common and her mood could switch on a dime - i never knew if I would get lovely , nice mum on my return from school or I'd be punished for some " misdeed " which I could never forsee.

Golden child sister definitely has narcissistic tendencies but isn't malicious - she just looks out for herself as number one. She floats through life getting exactly what she wants from others and is incredibly charming and charismatic.

The other bullying sibling is a dangerous, malignant type of narcissist - the type to call social services on her neighbours if she falls out with them or your boss to try and get you in trouble at work. Weirdly enough, she wasn't treated well either through childhood and was largely ignored by mother or made fun of due to her weight. She despised me and I somehow became the person to direct her ire. I was quiet and meek and studious, an easy target who couldn't stand up to her and isolated from any responsible adults.

Urgh, reading back it's all such a depressing mess.

Needing some advice.
my partner has been caught messaging other girls, one of them being my friend who didn't reply.
i have tried forgiving him but I'm having dreams about him flirting with girls in front of me. I'm in early pregnancy and hoping it just my hormones.
I have tried talking to him but when I say about the dreams he doesn't validate my feelings and just says I need to let it go.
I don't even know what my question is just need to vent, as I feel like I am stuck in my own head sometimes.
I know I shouldn't stay with him but It just not as easy as this state to walk away completely.

@Chelsey21 you need to make a post that’s just for you, rather than starting in the middle of a different conversation. Copy your post and paste it using the writing icon. It’s like a pencil on a notebook, in my phone at least.

Thank you. I've gained some real comfort from posting on here the last couple of days and hearing your own stories - dysfunctional families operate on silence, everything goes on behind closed doors and the world never gets to witness first hand the entire craziness. My mother is adored by her many friends ( even though she is spiteful and says vile things behind their backs), as the little dotty old woman always up for a joke and a laugh. She in turn loves her friends far more than her blood - they provide her with abundant narcissistic supply, put her on a pedestal and never get to see the real her so can't question her. People love her! And in the moments her mask drops, all is quickly forgiven as she's just having a " moment ". I've been for ever cast as the difficult daughter who abandoned her aging mother. No ones ever asked my side of the story or thought to question why a daughter doesn't want to be around her. The level of deceit is incredible.

Your children sound absolutely marvellous, how proud you must be to have broken the cycle, changed the narrative and created healthy, mentally robust individuals who have been allowed to flourish from your care and nurture. Recognition is key, I agree, in order to avoid the repetition of mistakes from the past.

wishing you and yours a lovely, peaceful new year too.

“My mother is adored by her many friends ( even though she is spiteful and says vile things behind their backs), as the little dotty old woman always up for a joke and a laugh. She in turn loves her friends far more than her blood - they provide her with abundant narcissistic supply, put her on a pedestal and never get to see the real her so can't question her. People love her!”

HogmanayHogwash this is so true! My mother thrived on the adoration of others. Hence 3 husbands! I actually felt sorry for No 3 as I watch her play the long game to snare him.

I usually say that we have a very strained relationship. That pretty much shuts it down and I don't really care if they think bad of me. ultimately if you are lucky enough to have never experienced a narc parent then you won't understand what it's like no matter what I say.

Thoughts with you OP, it's so tough

3 husbands ! Wow! She must have been very convincing, but all narcs are fabulous actors in order to get exactly what they want. I have to revise my earlier post on my mother being the scapegoat in her own childhood. I've chosen the wrong descriptor there I feel. I only have her word for it that she felt hard done by in comparison to her sibling. I never heard any stories of abuse or belittling or bullying. Perhaps she was just jealous of any attention that didn't come her way. My grandmother was in her late 80s during my childhood, so it's hard to get an accurate picture. there was definitely a lack of love and she did have her favourites, that I remember. But whether she was cruel and manipulative with it, I don't know.

This is such an important question and one I’m struggling with too right now. I read this quote the other day and it really moved me.

“The human psyche, like human bones, is strongly inclined towards self-healing.”
John Bowlby, founder of Attachment Theory

For me, this means that we CAN heal. It is possible. Next step is to find out how to do that at an individual level. I’ve started to think of positive effects of being raised by an abusive narcissistic mother and enabling and sometimes abusive father (my case). I’m not trying to say that they did me any favours- quite the opposite- but I want to own who I am and be proud of who I am and not be ashamed. This doesn’t mean that I tell everyone about my terrible childhood. But just that, for myself, I see the positive that has come out of it for me. I’m working on this now…

This is such an important question and one I’m struggling with too right now. I read this quote the other day and it really moved me.
“The human psyche, like human bones, is strongly inclined towards self-healing.”
John Bowlby, founder of Attachment Theory
For me, this means that we CAN heal. It is possible. Next step is to find out how to do that at an individual level. I’ve started to think of positive effects of being raised by an abusive narcissistic mother and enabling and sometimes abusive father (my case). I’m not trying to say that they did me any favours- quite the opposite- but I want to own who I am and be proud of who I am and not be ashamed. This doesn’t mean that I tell everyone about my terrible childhood. But just that, for myself, I see the positive that has come out of it for me. I’m working on this now…

I think the phrase 'no is a full sentence' is really good for this. I just say no or if they bring it up I just say no we don't talk by my choice. People tend not to ask any more than that. But also if someone doesn't know you well enough to know you don't talk about her, they don't deserve to know your story. We don't owe anyone our personal business ❤️❤️

I can understand why you’d say that but to me that sounds like there is equal reason as to who is at „fault“ between both of you so they might start wondering if YOU are difficult or something like that. People so expect mother daughter relationships to be this cliche and if they are not, I find most non-narc raised adult children (I.e. „normal“ people) put the blame on the „ungrateful“ adult children. I just don’t want to get a cent of that blame. I am therefore becoming more and more inclined to say that she goes on a cruise for Christmas each year. Total bs but in this new town I don’t think anyone will find out and if they do somehow, I’m not too bothered.

I think it’s so healthy and phenomenal that you are seeing the amazing things you are doing and that you are breaking the cycle. I think this is like mothering your inner child a bit because it’s you who is saying you are amazing like a good mother would say to their daughter, hugs to you!

I feel like even just saying that we don’t talk is giving someone too much of my personal story. I think the „she’s on a cruise“ is a better line for me maybe… :-)

I say "we aren't in contact" usually and people tend not to push.

I find myself just telling people “I’m not really very close to my mum, she does her own thing now she’s retired” if they do ask about her.
This isn’t actually true at all, now she’s retired she has more time to dwell on everything she perceives me to have done wrong to her (like being born basically), and make my life hell - Malicious phone calls to social services, lawyers letters demanding access to her grandchildren and generally sitting around plottting against other people , Facebook stalking, shit stirring, playing the victim, all her favourite pastimes. Such a sad existence but she genuinely thinks she’s above everyone else, blows my mind.

It sounds like we're at a similar place in terms of processing - i have such awful, down days sometimes when it's in a loop in my head and the pain feels physical. Other times I hardly think of her and the emotions slide off me like Teflon. Very very few people know about my childhood; I've found to my detriment that if I open up and be vulnerable to the " wrong" types of people, it's weaponised and I somehow come out of it like I'm the perpetrator, not the victim. Like you, I have some difficult feelings towards my father too - for not protecting me and although I loved him unconditionally for being the only ' real' parent, he could say and do very nasty things too especially when drinking.

I too, believe it's possible to heal and thrive. I read a lot - there's a great book called ' will I ever be good enough?' By Karen ? I think, about daughters suffering from narcissistic abuse. Having the language to describe the abuse is important, well it helps me anyway! I can put it into context and avoid turning emotions inward, blaming myself . I recognise your feelings of shame too.

Onwards and upwards - May 2025 bring peace and healing to you.

My gran was like this. I used to say no, shes a nasty bitch.

She was. I could give examples, but it doesnt matter, I didnt need people to agree she was horrible to me. She was and I gave until I had no more left. I couldnt love her into being a better person and wishes weren't going to make her different.

People used to snigger, maybe they judged me but their opinions of me are none of my business and most of them saw I was close to my othet family.

Just be honest but succinct. You dont have to explain or prove yourself.

I used to say ‘oh I don’t have relationship with him’ and if they made ‘sad noises’ about it I’d just add he has mental health problems that make it impossible. It shouldn’t be taboo. People have had to end relationships with people they are related to since time began. With one in 15 people having difficulty feeling empathy or remorse it’s only natural that estrangements either way are and have always been a thing. We can talk about it more.