Teasing - Is this normal?

[Plantoleave]

Hi

Please can any of you give me your opinion on if this is normal behaviour between dads/male adults and teen boys?

1. Partner (soon to be ex) constantly thinks it’s funny to call my 14 year old a ‘bender’ or ‘puff’
2. teases him by calling him ‘baby’ in a high pitched voice
3. keeps flicking his ear etc
4. Our 10 year old is now copying this behaviour towards the 14 year old - it’s causing rows and upset.

14 year doesn’t like it although manages to give banter back most of the time. I’ve continuously asked for partner (soon to be ex) to stop as my son and I don’t like it plus it’s making the house extremely stressful at times but it still continues.

He argues it’s not encouraging the youngest and it’s all normal banter. I don’t feel like it is normal banter (if you can see any of my previous posts - I have been receiving support to leave).

Any opinions greatly received on this as although I feel it’s wrong I’m constantly being told it’s just banter from him - I just want to know if it is me being over sensitive or if he is being a knob like I suspect.

Thanks

Ah.

So him fucking up in his work life has perhaps coincided (well not coincided because it's the cause) with him being nasty to you (resulting in separate rooms) and bullying your son.

Ok I amend my view that it might be your son hitting puberty. It's not that or just that.

It's his work/status/earning position.

He's fucked it up himself, but he's taking it out on you and your son.

It's seriously wrong.

He is bullying your child.

Get him the hell away from your children before they are damaged for life by this stupid lowlife.

He presumably doesn't feel like a man/man of the house because he's earning less than he did, you're out earning him, he's contributing less etc. So he's on some pathetic, chip on shoulder power trip at home.

Wtf

of course this is not ok.

It’s bullying, arguably even a crime.

why on earth are you exposing your poor son to this awful awful person?

OP, he is using homophobic slurs to you child.
Contact Women's aid.
Contact 101 and ask for advice.
He is abusing both children for years.

See what Women's aid and the police say.
Perhaps he can be persuaded to leave.

He is abusing you all.
Report him.
See how he feels about his abuse being publicised.

This makes me really concerned.

How confident are you that this man isn’t sexually abusing your son?

I would assume your ex is a closet gay guy himself who is struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. Perhaps you should point out that his fixation with the subject is giving that impression, maybe it will make him stop.

Partner (soon to be ex)

Make it sooner OP. Make it really, really soon.

It’s not teasing. It’s bullying and abuse and you cannot be condoning it. He sounds exhausting for your poor son to be constantly dealing with. Stand up for him and get the partner out. And make sure he knows it’s because he’s a nasty little bully.

The joke is he could presumably, if he tried hard for a while, get another job, maybe similar in salary etc. to his previous one and improve his position.

But he's fucked up your relationship/marriage so badly and acted so poorly that noone could blame you for not wanting to continue the marriage. In fact it would seem unwise, given the character traits he's shown.

Oh yes. I’ve had the menopause thrown at me several times over the last twelve months - my bog stand response now is “no it’s you”.

I’ve had support from Women’s Aid but because of the post code lottery I’m not able to access counselling or individual one on one support. If I lived in the boarding council area I would have access to way more stuff.

I’m fairly good at ascerting boundaries now but this teasing one has made me to question myself.

I’ve spoken to my older son about it all this evening and he’s okay. He thinks he’s a knob and does stand up for himself but it’s a situation he shouldn’t have to deal with. At this point I wish his Dad was still around to give the knobhead a thrashing.

100% sure he’s not sexually abusing my son’s.

He’s rarely alone with them and I’m very close to both so they would say if anything inappropriate like that had gone on.

I may use your point about his fixation with the subject as it may shut him up!

I may use your point about his fixation with the subject as it may shut him up!

Say "I read that men who use homophobic slurs in banter are 34% more likely to be gay or bi" lol

If I lived in the boarding council area I would have access to way more stuff.

Could you temporarily rent there?

Why would anyone even have to ask if it was acceptable for her partner to repeatedly call her son a bender? I despair sometimes.

I’m looking to temporary rent in the other area - it’s literally less than 1 mile away from where I am now.

Hopefully it will enable better support but either way we will be better off not living under the same roof as him.

I don’t find it acceptable however I keep being told I’m too woke or easily offended. When someone is emotionally abused they start to doubt that what they think is correct - that’s why I came on here knowing or hoping you would all agree with me that it’s wrong.

Ffs op get some legal advice and get him out.

No!! Not normal.

The claim that it's 'banter' is NONSENSE. Banter requires two people to be amused by something, or else it's bullying, especially if it's repeated.

Your boy is going to end up with father issues because of this, and he will remember your lack of action. His father is using him as an emotional punchbag for whatever gripe or frustration he has in his life, or maybe he's like mine, in which is actually enjoys distressing his child because of sadistic tendencies.

He can fuck off with that woke claim nonsense too.

Try not to get drawing into a debate about it, even thought it must be enraging. He's trying to deflect and not take any responsibility for his behaviour, because he wants to carry on being nasty to his son.

Glad you're financially able to split up with him.

I’m sorry you went through such trauma as a child.

I’m extremely conscious of my children and it’s effect hence why I stand up for them every time and have put in as much support as possible whilst I get us out of this situation - unfortunately unless I get a lottery win I am not in a position to be able to leave immediately like most women and children that have been in emotionally abusive relationships. We are not deemed high risk enough to qualify for refuge etc.

Can you stop calling it teasing. It's abuse. He's abusing and bullying your child and your relationship with your child is going to be affected when he looks back and realises how much you have minimised it.

Look up the study by Adams 1996 that showed that homophobic men get aroused by gay porn when the non homophobic men didn't. I wouldn't mention it to him directly as he might kick off but maybe you (and your son if you think it's appropriate) can think of this when he's being completely abusive and inappropriate.

My son knows I’ve not minimised what has gone on as he has heard and seen me go to war over this issue with the STBEP. He knows I will not tolerate it as I have always stood up for my children and intervened.

Even this evening I’ve called him out telling him it is bullying and it has to stop but I also have to be conscious that for now we all need to live in this house together so I don’t want the situation to escalate to make it any worse than it is.

It’s not a choice to stay it’s the only option I have until I can get us into a rental and have the money to pay for legal costs.

My children will decide for themselves whether they think I have done enough for them. They know I am the one they can rely on no matter what and I will always be there.

I would hope that my children will have developed compassion, empathy and strong boundaries by the time they are adults so they don’t ever end up tolerating the abusive behaviour I have.

https://walkerfamilylaw.co.uk/news/what-evidence-is-required-when-applying-for-an-occupation-order/

I'm wondering if it would be worth seeing if you could get an occupation order. Maybe a family law solicitor could advise on the likelihood.

If you list all incidents - and their pattern - against yourself and your eldest son; maybe it's feasible (?)

He's hitting him around the ear/head, right?.
As well as the homophobic slurs and the "baby!" stuff. Then there's all the stuff he's sad to you, from the sounds of it.

Some solicitors do half an hour/first consultation an hour.

Some WA offices have a one stop shop one day a week with a solicitor.

Or perhaps you could list everything, make an application (there is no fee) and see how it goes (I don't think this is advisable but maybe it's a possibility).