Teasing - Is this normal?

[Plantoleave]

Hi

Please can any of you give me your opinion on if this is normal behaviour between dads/male adults and teen boys?

1. Partner (soon to be ex) constantly thinks it’s funny to call my 14 year old a ‘bender’ or ‘puff’
2. teases him by calling him ‘baby’ in a high pitched voice
3. keeps flicking his ear etc
4. Our 10 year old is now copying this behaviour towards the 14 year old - it’s causing rows and upset.

14 year doesn’t like it although manages to give banter back most of the time. I’ve continuously asked for partner (soon to be ex) to stop as my son and I don’t like it plus it’s making the house extremely stressful at times but it still continues.

He argues it’s not encouraging the youngest and it’s all normal banter. I don’t feel like it is normal banter (if you can see any of my previous posts - I have been receiving support to leave).

Any opinions greatly received on this as although I feel it’s wrong I’m constantly being told it’s just banter from him - I just want to know if it is me being over sensitive or if he is being a knob like I suspect.

Thanks

He sounds like an immature male chimp constantly asserting dominance in "his territory".

One who does do only to other males who aren't his offspring of course.

I think you, like many women, would perhaps like a partner who has evolved somewhat past chimp behaviour.

Don’t even get me started on the gay slurs - I’m constantly arguing about it with him.

I speak to all the children regularly about it to ensure they know it’s not right and am constantly correcting the youngest.

He is adamant that’s it not him effecting the youngest behaviour - it’s driving me insane having explain or argue about it.

Its like he’s gone into overdrive with the teasing the last few days over Christmas

it’s all normal banter

It's only normal banter if you're a dickhead.

An immature, bigoted dickhead.

Yes, he would go into overdrive with the bullying over Christmas. Abusers love to ruin special occasions for others. I'm glad to hear you are planning on leaving.

'Banter' has replaced 'just joking'. At least with 'joking' there was a small intent that the recipient should also find it funny. 'Banter' means the person doing it is laughing and no one else.

It's fucking awful. And yet another generation of men is being socialised to be shit to each other and everyone else <slow clap>

The sooner you can get your eldest away from him the better. Let's hope neither boy is gay, because this sort of bullying is life-threatening to gay teenagers.

Thank you for taking the time to write your response. This exactly how I have felt about it all but am made to feel like I’m over sensitive.

Its a major worry he is making my children worry about their sexuality where in fact if it was just me in our home with them none of this would be going on at all and I would hope they would feel comfortable no matter what their sexuality.

I’m sorry you had to experience it growing up and it still effects you today 😥

Is there a grandparent your children could stay with, away from this abuse?

The op's youngest son is his son, he'll get access after the separation unless she can prevent it.

And given what fathers are allowed to do and still get access, I doubt op could prevent it even if she wanted to.

At least her older son, the one who's being bullied - would escape it though (as long as the youngest son doesn't continue, coming back from his Dad's every week).

He is adamant that’s it not him effecting the youngest behaviour

But he's copying it.

And it's not ok behaviour.

Anyway, lots of wankers are adamant about lots of things.

I had one tell me adamantly "I'm not controlling!"

He was controlling, to me and his previous 4 girlfriends.

It is horrible, damaging, and wrong.
“Just banter” normally is. It is bullying and emotional abuse.

How long has your child been exposed to this abuse? Assuming since he was at least 3 years old?

It's bullying abuse.

Unfortunately my parents house is completely not suitable or the right environment. Although he could stay at his Dad’s parents it’s unlikely he would want to go for a long period. He stays over fairly often whenever he likes and is close to them.

If I ever go away for work he goes to stay with them I rarely leave them together alone in the house now as it just becomes a tinder pot between them all.

Well although he has been in his life since he was 3 years old it hasn’t always been this way.

He came across as an amazing family guy when I met him - interested in the kids, cleaned, cooked, caring etc. The teasing of my 14 year old has only really started the last couple of months, think he tried it last year but I nipped it in the bud immediately so it stopped this time it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve asked it’s continued.

Even now I’ve just got back down to try to talk to him about it and had my head bitten off telling me it’s me being moody.

Luckily he’s out at work tomorrow so we can have a peaceful day

What a knobhead.. and probably a deflection tactic.
Could have some latent yearnings IMO

This is abuse from an adult to a child. This will have a long term impact on your child's sense of self and well-being. This could become his internal voice.

The teasing of my 14 year old has only really started the last couple of months, think he tried it last year but I nipped it in the bud immediately so it stopped this time it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve asked it’s continued.

So basically since he entered puberty.

I reiterate my view that it's like a male chimp asserting his dominance. Perhaps your eldest beginning to become a young man has triggered it.

Of course it could be other things.
Is anything happening in your partner's work etc. life that would make him more likely to be on some kind of pathetic dominance trip at home?.

This is my main concern the effect it’s having on the children the one being teased and the one copying his behaviour.

Its taken me a long time to build up the strength to be able to work out what has been going on and get ready to leave but the turning point has been when his behaviour turned towards the children rather than just me.

I already have support in place for the younger one in school to help him deal with his emotions etc. The older one turned down the offer of someone coming into school to talk to him - doesn’t want to stick out from the crowd!

had my head bitten off telling me it’s me being moody.

Ah, the problem is your moodiness.

Surprised he didn't blame time of the month or peri menopause.

If he did half of this in the workplace , even just the once, most workplaces would sack immediately and rightly so !
this is NOT teasing or dad banter it is abuse
I would get support by telling your kids school what your son is experiencing from his father and ask that it is reported and recorded, tell ex that if it continues you will insist all access is in access centre supervised
imagine that your son has feeling he may be gay ??! Protect your son x

but the turning point has been when his behaviour turned towards the children rather than just me.

So he's been acting like a dick to you as well?

He has completely messed up his work life! Walked away from a stable well paid job into self employed and not what he thought. Rubbish hours and pay.

I’m the high earner and have been for some time - I suspect he has a problem with this from stuff he has said in the past

You're still calling it teasing, which minimises it. It's bullying and it's abuse.

we are already in separate rooms have been for 8 months and several months the prior year.

It sounds like the relationship is over for you two (?)

He refuses to move out (more selfishness). He refuses to stop bullying your son.

I guess you see if you can use the bullying to get him out via an occupation order/non mol order, or you stay somewhere else temporarily until you can find a rental.

Is there absolutely noone who could put you up in the meantime?