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Relationships

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Original poster

First time encountering ED. New relationship.

52 replies

Bearparade · 25/12/2024 23:52

I met a man over two months ago through online dating. Everything seemed fine. By month 2 we got heavy in the sheets and I go to give him a hand job and nothing was happening. Did some dry humping. Nothing he never got hard. Now at the end of month 2 it's the same thing. Hand job, blow job, attempted sex, nothing.

I'm quite forward these days and like to talk things out. I had to tell him to see his doctor a few weeks ago. He did thankfully. I doubt he would've went if I didn't say anything. I'm 42F he's 40M. The other day I couldn't take it anymore and msged him that we should talk about us and our compatibility. I let him know that I'm was worried about what's going on with the ED and thatI was feeling like I wasn't turning him on. We also have some other things that make us incompatible (level of activity/sports).

I know he feels emasculated and scared. He hasn't dated in like almost 10 years which has me now raising an eyebrow. He also said at one point he was masturbating to porn daily for like a year. And now if he masturbates he can't even make himself get hard or cum. This is worrying.

He also has some mental health stuff that he should chat through with a counselor. Penetration sex is my thing as I don't like oral (I have a shorter urethra and get UTI easier). I will give oral but I don't want to receive.

I think I just needed to write this out and tell myself it's okay to leave him. 2 months in and I'm very worried about a sexless relationship for me and him being not satisfied or needing a deathgrip to get off. I can't help him but I also can't wait.

I wish there was more conversation among men about ED so they would get answers sooner than later. This guy is worthy of love but he's got some mental health stuff and ED to get through on top of some other behaviors I'm now noticing.

OP posts:

Biggash · 25/12/2024 23:56

This reply has been deleted

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MrDobbs · 26/12/2024 00:01

It's ok to leave him and that's what you should do. This is his problem to sort out, and it's not going to be easy for him but there's no reason you should go through it as well.

ruddygreattiger · 26/12/2024 00:11

I'll be honest op, I've dated 2 guys in their early 50s I've met through online dating and both had issues getting it up or staying hard.
Sex is a really important part of a relationship to me so I'm reluctant to bother dating again If it just leads to disappointment in bed.
You've given this guy 2 months op, that's long enough to realise he has a problem but it's not up to you to try and fix it for him. Now you know why he hasn't been in a relationship for 10 years.
Do yourself a favour and move on.

EBearhug · 26/12/2024 00:12

It is okay to leave him.

He needs to sort out the mental health stuff - the ED could be because of that, although if he never gets hard, i'd be worriedit was more physical than psychological. It could be related to a health condition like diabetes, or cardiac issues, which are currently otherwise asymptomatic to date - so he should get it checked, so any physical issues can be treated. It could be low testosterone. The ED can be treated with Viagra, but it could be a symptom of other stuff.

But it's his problem to resolve, not yours. And he should resolve it before trying to date again. It's better to get out now than a few years down the line.

EBearhug · 26/12/2024 00:15

I've dated 2 guys in their early 50s I've met through online dating and both had issues getting it up or staying hard.

I've dated rather more than that. There are guys with ED issues (though none failed to get an erection at all.) But there are a lot more without issues and some are really very good indeed.

HotBath · 26/12/2024 00:26

At two months in, you can end things because you don’t like his taste in shoes.

Polyp0 · 26/12/2024 00:34

It seems like you're putting up with a hell of a lot of negatives for a guy who you've known for 8 to 10 weeks. Why are you doing that?

ruddygreattiger · 26/12/2024 00:41

EBearhug · 26/12/2024 00:15

I've dated 2 guys in their early 50s I've met through online dating and both had issues getting it up or staying hard.

I've dated rather more than that. There are guys with ED issues (though none failed to get an erection at all.) But there are a lot more without issues and some are really very good indeed.

Yeah I'm sure you're right, but after my 20yr marriage ended (he had premature ejaculation) and experience of OD I can't even be arsed anymore.
The op is right to end it now rather than waste her time trying to solve his problems. Good luck op.

Florence19791 · 26/12/2024 00:46

Why have you stayed this long? You hardly know him, I’d have walked a long time ago. Most men with ED Have some sort of porn issue and men who use porn like that don’t have much respect for women so I’d have no issue binning him off and telling him what a scumbag he is.

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 26/12/2024 01:06

You are correct. You can end this guilt free at 2 months "this isn't working for me" is fine you don't need to explain more.

Also I just knew you would mention porn. Both guys I've experienced with ED loved their porn

EmmaSmiff · 26/12/2024 01:53

You’re not compatible. If you’re spending your time and energy investing in someone you hardly know and their issues, it will just lead to heartache. Move on. There are some women that I know who would be delighted to have a partner with no sex drive, let him find one of those and you find someone who makes you feel wonderful. Dont settle for this. It isn’t working for you

FedUp1000 · 26/12/2024 07:10

You have encouraged him to get help from the doctor and been honest with him. You can end it without guilt.

category12 · 26/12/2024 07:14

Of course it's fine to end it.

It's not your job to "fix" a man - that's his job.

Berga · 26/12/2024 07:14

End it, for two reasons.

The first being everything you described here, you're not compatible.

And the second being you don't have one good thing to say about him. Even in these sorts of posts most people make some reference to a redeeming feature!

FrogOnAYuleLog · 26/12/2024 07:17

Jesus this is too much hard work OP. I’d understand your concern if he developed ED and was your husband for 20 years or whatever, but a 2-month ‘boyfriend’ with ED, other compatibility issues, mental health issues and porn obsession….. sooooo not your problem, don’t bother with him. In fact, run for the hills!

Moresunlessrain · 26/12/2024 07:26

There's a reason he's been single 10 years (probably longer!). Not your problem!

TakeMyBreadAway · 26/12/2024 07:45

Don’t waste your life trying to fix people.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 26/12/2024 07:56

I’d walk away too. I’ve lived in a marriage with ED and it was very difficult. It was in part due to his anxiety medication. It’s not why we split but it caused a lot of tension. To be honest, I’d see the porn addiction as a big red flag. If it was daily at some point, it will have had a massive impact and it’s unlikely that will be resolvable.

Oblomov24 · 26/12/2024 08:11

Just leave. ED for medical reasons, years into a long term relationship is bad enough.

StrawberryDream24 · 26/12/2024 08:15

ED at 40
10 years of not really dating.
Some apparent issue with porn.

A lot of issues here!

I don't think many men think as hard or as guiltily about ending newish relationships with women they're encountering major issues with. They just slow fade or ghost or if they have a smidgeon of integrity, verbally end it.

Anyway, this guy needs to sort himself out before dating.
It's not really fair on the people he's dating, is it.

TheSamantha · 26/12/2024 08:23

I can see another side to this.

If he’s a decent guy and is someone you really like then it could be something that will become much better if he has help.

Dating these days is really tough, really horrible and meeting someone decent is virtually impossible.

I’m in my early fifties and had dozens of dates and it’s soul destroying. I did meet someone lovely and we do have great sex but there are other things that I’ve had to overcome such as his abuse as a child from a step parent that has made him a strong man but he can be very blunt, also he’s been single a couple of years since his amicable split but had just become a man that loves his own space. So you both have to work on things as I’ve not got a perfect service history either so it’s a balance.

if there is desire and respect and you like each other, this might be something that works out really well. Every single man loves porn - the internet has just made it more available.

The answers can be pretty black and white on here but I’m a bit more of a devils advocate.

JamNittyGritty · 26/12/2024 08:41

Alternative perspective here - started a new relationship with a fabulous guy, mid 40s. We were sexual quite early on and ED was an issue, although he did sometimes get hard / cum but couldn’t stay hard for penetration which was also my favourite.

He also had some history with porn as well as performance anxiety etc. We talked about it, although not excessively, he tried viagra with some success, he was all the while extremely attentive to me and great at giving oral which I learned to love more than I used to and had great orgasms.

I didn’t dump him, as I probably would have been advised if I had posted on here, he was absolutely lovely, all round awesome person, so I wasn’t going to throw away what was great in every other way for ED, even though I did find it frustrating.

As we spent more time together, he became more comfortable sexually with me because I took the pressure off and he knew I wasn’t going to bin him because of it, his ED improved. He stopped porn and for a while stopped wanking too, as a reset.

ED is now, apart from a very rare moment, gone, we have penetrative sex along with everything else. Our relationship outside of sex has been great from the beginning so this just adds to what was good anyway. Things had improved within the first 6 months and the ED occurred less often from that point. It probably took nearly 2 years to get to where we are now, however we only see each other about 1 night a week, so may have taken less time if together more often.

My advice would be to look at the whole relationship, is he worth being with, does he invest in you in other ways and makes you happy? Can the sex still be good for you and is he prepared to put time in to make sure it is? If so I would stay with it for at least a while longer and see where it goes.

Kitjo · 26/12/2024 09:18

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

‼️ what an awful post - what on earth are you suggesting!

Original poster

Bearparade · 26/12/2024 14:17

MrDobbs · 26/12/2024 00:01

It's ok to leave him and that's what you should do. This is his problem to sort out, and it's not going to be easy for him but there's no reason you should go through it as well.

Thx for the reply. At this early stage in dating he def needs to take this by ED seriously but I can't help him beyond this. He's got a few things to work on and I don't want to mommy him making suggestions for his health. I will wish him the best that's it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bearparade · 26/12/2024 14:28

ruddygreattiger · 26/12/2024 00:11

Agree with this all. Penetrative sex is important for me and with so few answers or initiative from him this dating is done for me. When he noticed something off with his wanker before meeting me he could have acted on it then. But Im at a loss of how to proceed and we have other incompatibilities so best to pull the rug out now.

OP posts:

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