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Original poster

First time encountering ED. New relationship.

52 replies

Bearparade · 25/12/2024 23:52

I met a man over two months ago through online dating. Everything seemed fine. By month 2 we got heavy in the sheets and I go to give him a hand job and nothing was happening. Did some dry humping. Nothing he never got hard. Now at the end of month 2 it's the same thing. Hand job, blow job, attempted sex, nothing.

I'm quite forward these days and like to talk things out. I had to tell him to see his doctor a few weeks ago. He did thankfully. I doubt he would've went if I didn't say anything. I'm 42F he's 40M. The other day I couldn't take it anymore and msged him that we should talk about us and our compatibility. I let him know that I'm was worried about what's going on with the ED and thatI was feeling like I wasn't turning him on. We also have some other things that make us incompatible (level of activity/sports).

I know he feels emasculated and scared. He hasn't dated in like almost 10 years which has me now raising an eyebrow. He also said at one point he was masturbating to porn daily for like a year. And now if he masturbates he can't even make himself get hard or cum. This is worrying.

He also has some mental health stuff that he should chat through with a counselor. Penetration sex is my thing as I don't like oral (I have a shorter urethra and get UTI easier). I will give oral but I don't want to receive.

I think I just needed to write this out and tell myself it's okay to leave him. 2 months in and I'm very worried about a sexless relationship for me and him being not satisfied or needing a deathgrip to get off. I can't help him but I also can't wait.

I wish there was more conversation among men about ED so they would get answers sooner than later. This guy is worthy of love but he's got some mental health stuff and ED to get through on top of some other behaviors I'm now noticing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearparade · 26/12/2024 14:32

EBearhug · 26/12/2024 00:12

It is okay to leave him.

He needs to sort out the mental health stuff - the ED could be because of that, although if he never gets hard, i'd be worriedit was more physical than psychological. It could be related to a health condition like diabetes, or cardiac issues, which are currently otherwise asymptomatic to date - so he should get it checked, so any physical issues can be treated. It could be low testosterone. The ED can be treated with Viagra, but it could be a symptom of other stuff.

But it's his problem to resolve, not yours. And he should resolve it before trying to date again. It's better to get out now than a few years down the line.

He did just find out he has slightly elevated cholesterol. He's a very skinny guy which was surprising to him. What made me more upset was him making an underhanded comment like why does he have high cholesterol but I don't and I eat what I want. Like who the F says that. This guy is a 9-5 job that I can't deal with anymore.

He really should have resolved this or brought up this ED before we tried to be sexually active. I'm over it.

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 14:37

I tried to make it work with someone like this and I would move on quite quickly if it came up again.

AgentJohnson · 26/12/2024 14:40

Eight weeks!!!!!! There’s way too much (negatives) going on with this guy for me to understand why you didn’t end it sooner.

TheSamantha · 26/12/2024 14:40

Forgot to say. Ask him to try Ashganana root. It works wonders.

Catsanus · 26/12/2024 15:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Bearparade · 26/12/2024 16:17

EBearhug · 26/12/2024 00:15

I've dated 2 guys in their early 50s I've met through online dating and both had issues getting it up or staying hard.

I've dated rather more than that. There are guys with ED issues (though none failed to get an erection at all.) But there are a lot more without issues and some are really very good indeed.

This guy has never had an erection with me and never came. So I'm just over it. He needs to get this on his own now and be more upfront with the next lady he finds. Thanks for the comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearparade · 26/12/2024 16:20

Polyp0 · 26/12/2024 00:34

It seems like you're putting up with a hell of a lot of negatives for a guy who you've known for 8 to 10 weeks. Why are you doing that?

This is the truth. This should be the honeymoon stage not the me nagging him to get to a doctor stage. I'm done for sure now. Gave myself yesterday to work through my thoughts so I can break it off tomorrow. I wanna get my jacket back from him first lol. Then drop the mic and leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearparade · 26/12/2024 16:25

Florence19791 · 26/12/2024 00:46

Why have you stayed this long? You hardly know him, I’d have walked a long time ago. Most men with ED Have some sort of porn issue and men who use porn like that don’t have much respect for women so I’d have no issue binning him off and telling him what a scumbag he is.

You're definitely right. I overstayed this one. I'll be ending things cause this girly needs a man who's ready for a relationship not skirting around issues. I literally thought his penis just needed to wake up but now I know that he's been outta the game for a long time for a reason. I don't have time for this.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 26/12/2024 16:28

Having been told by my late husband that my vagina was too loose, I gave the first few guys I had sex with afterwards the heads up that if it wasn't for them, they should (kindly) let me know and there would be [cough] no hard feelings. Plus I practically gave myself a hernia doing pelvic floor exercises and those vaginal weights.

They all said 'You're completely normal, what was he talking about' but that's not the point. I thought I had an issue that could affect the sexual enjoyment of my partners, so I tackled it head on. My responsibility. This is his - not yours.

PullTheBricksDown · 26/12/2024 16:36

FedUp1000 · 26/12/2024 07:10

You have encouraged him to get help from the doctor and been honest with him. You can end it without guilt.

This. It's not having a problem that's the problem, it's the refusal to look for solutions. You can just accept you're not that compatible after two months and move on.

smithey85 · 26/12/2024 16:58

TheSamantha · 26/12/2024 08:23

I can see another side to this.

If he’s a decent guy and is someone you really like then it could be something that will become much better if he has help.

Dating these days is really tough, really horrible and meeting someone decent is virtually impossible.

I’m in my early fifties and had dozens of dates and it’s soul destroying. I did meet someone lovely and we do have great sex but there are other things that I’ve had to overcome such as his abuse as a child from a step parent that has made him a strong man but he can be very blunt, also he’s been single a couple of years since his amicable split but had just become a man that loves his own space. So you both have to work on things as I’ve not got a perfect service history either so it’s a balance.

if there is desire and respect and you like each other, this might be something that works out really well. Every single man loves porn - the internet has just made it more available.

The answers can be pretty black and white on here but I’m a bit more of a devils advocate.

This is one of the best posts I’ve read on MN for a long time. Hits the nail on the head.

As a man who has had ED, and not been able to have penetrative sex, and it causing a relationship breakup, it really is soul destroying, for both partners.

if he wants to get help, then things can get better.
if he doesn’t want to get help, then you will always be fighting a losing battle and you need to walk and let him fight this battle on his own.

As for the porn; I believe it can cause sexual dysfunction but I don’t believe it causes erectile dysfunction but that’s a topic for another day 😜

Original poster
Bearparade · 27/12/2024 01:37

TheSamantha · 26/12/2024 14:40

Forgot to say. Ask him to try Ashganana root. It works wonders.

A good suggestion but honestly not my job to tell him what to try. He's a grown man who has the internet and he can figure it out himself. I'm not doing the heavy lifting for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearparade · 27/12/2024 01:40

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 26/12/2024 01:06

You are correct. You can end this guilt free at 2 months "this isn't working for me" is fine you don't need to explain more.

Also I just knew you would mention porn. Both guys I've experienced with ED loved their porn

Yah I'll let him know it's not gonna work. I already brought up ED a few days ago during a deeper chat with him and he was surprised I was mentioning it cause I hadn't mentioned it before. Like wtf. I was trying to find the best words to be sensitive to his ED. But yah, the porn. These guys need to understand how much damage they're doing to us ladies and themselves. Porn is so fake. Penis rings, Viagra and lots of lube. All fake scenes that mess them up.

OP posts:
Princessfluffy · 27/12/2024 08:42

It's not your job to fix this man OP and he doesn't seem committed to fixing himself.

I would definitely move on.

PeachyKeane · 27/12/2024 09:06

ruddygreattiger · 26/12/2024 00:11

I'll be honest op, I've dated 2 guys in their early 50s I've met through online dating and both had issues getting it up or staying hard.
Sex is a really important part of a relationship to me so I'm reluctant to bother dating again If it just leads to disappointment in bed.
You've given this guy 2 months op, that's long enough to realise he has a problem but it's not up to you to try and fix it for him. Now you know why he hasn't been in a relationship for 10 years.
Do yourself a favour and move on.

Me too, I'm going younger for this very reason as very horny atm and mainly looking for a good shag at this stage. This thread is interesting and timely as I never expected this.

TheSamantha · 27/12/2024 18:37

Bearparade · 27/12/2024 01:37

A good suggestion but honestly not my job to tell him what to try. He's a grown man who has the internet and he can figure it out himself. I'm not doing the heavy lifting for him.

Show quote history

sounds like you’re over it.

he may just be lost and embarrassed. Being a supportive girlfriend could actually turn a corner.

Don’t be the person that walks on him. You could both create something amazing.

Original poster
Bearparade · 27/12/2024 18:43

Just an update. I broke up with the guy. I didn't mention it was ED but that we are at different places. It was a combo of him not being ready and open to talk to me about his life. He previously mentioned that he's never had a deep conversation with a woman he's dated and I was the first woman who was talking deep with him. At 40 how has he not had deep conversations.

And his reluctance to deal with the ED before he met me really got to me. I can't be his mommy to tell him what to do and what doctors to see and what treatments (whether emotional/mental/spiritual/physical) are available. Dating is already a big challenge and this was supposed to be the honeymoon phase. I'm feeling so sad and stressed and I shouldn't feel like this. I should be happy but I'm not.

I'm glad I did it and broke up but now I need a little break and to regroup. I hate to say this but I don't want to meet a guy with ED. Maybe if he's on track with a game plan to deal with it but I'm over this.

Like nothing I did made him hard and I got scared. Like I remember the last hand job and he was just flaccid and I was so worried but he never said anything.

I get guys with ED are scared sh1tless but you have to wake up and tackle it and not be a passenger in your lives. I'm so exhausted after this 2 month of dating this guy. I need a glays of ice wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearparade · 27/12/2024 18:48

JamNittyGritty · 26/12/2024 08:41

Alternative perspective here - started a new relationship with a fabulous guy, mid 40s. We were sexual quite early on and ED was an issue, although he did sometimes get hard / cum but couldn’t stay hard for penetration which was also my favourite.

He also had some history with porn as well as performance anxiety etc. We talked about it, although not excessively, he tried viagra with some success, he was all the while extremely attentive to me and great at giving oral which I learned to love more than I used to and had great orgasms.

I didn’t dump him, as I probably would have been advised if I had posted on here, he was absolutely lovely, all round awesome person, so I wasn’t going to throw away what was great in every other way for ED, even though I did find it frustrating.

As we spent more time together, he became more comfortable sexually with me because I took the pressure off and he knew I wasn’t going to bin him because of it, his ED improved. He stopped porn and for a while stopped wanking too, as a reset.

ED is now, apart from a very rare moment, gone, we have penetrative sex along with everything else. Our relationship outside of sex has been great from the beginning so this just adds to what was good anyway. Things had improved within the first 6 months and the ED occurred less often from that point. It probably took nearly 2 years to get to where we are now, however we only see each other about 1 night a week, so may have taken less time if together more often.

My advice would be to look at the whole relationship, is he worth being with, does he invest in you in other ways and makes you happy? Can the sex still be good for you and is he prepared to put time in to make sure it is? If so I would stay with it for at least a while longer and see where it goes.

I ended it today. He's too quiet about anything with his health. He won't open up and I'm not gonna force it. He still masturbates to porn so I'm not gonna go up against that. He can have his virtual screen women. My hand, mouth, vaginal did nothing g for him so I need to move on and heal from this encounter. I'm glad things worked out for you but it sounds like your guy was open and communicated with you. That makes a huge difference. :)

OP posts:
TheSamantha · 27/12/2024 18:55

Well done. Maybe you’ll find something better.

i hope the search isn’t too hard…

Didimum · 27/12/2024 18:59

Life is far too short for bad sex with a sub par man who you’ve known for 2 months.

ruddygreattiger · 27/12/2024 19:08

Well done op, leave him to his porn fantasy if he's too immature to grow up.
Btw, did you get your jacket back?

KitKatChunki · 27/12/2024 19:17

I dated a guy in his early 40s who was similar - had a porn addiction but refused any help and blamed antidepressants instead (although nothing changed when he self destructed and came off those to self sabotage). It took months and months of me feeling like I wasn't good enough for him and destroyed my self confidence. As others have said this is on him to fix and really he should have done that before dating again. It's a complete myth that men always want sex and women don't as modern day men are really struggling with ED because of their porn addictions. I suspect it's behind a lot of the anger and misogyny out there too.

TheSamantha · 28/12/2024 06:35

KitKatChunki · 27/12/2024 19:17

I dated a guy in his early 40s who was similar - had a porn addiction but refused any help and blamed antidepressants instead (although nothing changed when he self destructed and came off those to self sabotage). It took months and months of me feeling like I wasn't good enough for him and destroyed my self confidence. As others have said this is on him to fix and really he should have done that before dating again. It's a complete myth that men always want sex and women don't as modern day men are really struggling with ED because of their porn addictions. I suspect it's behind a lot of the anger and misogyny out there too.

Such tosh.

modern day men are thriving as are modern day women. We are healthier than we’ve ever been.

modern day communication has made us think we are struggling but in reality it is the Gen z and younger that have the issues due to mobile phones.

I’ve not met one man with ED and I’m 51.

EBearhug · 28/12/2024 10:17

I’ve not met one man with ED and I’m 51.

I have (same age). Former boyfriend who it turns out was starting to have circulation problems (he's since lost a foot.) Viagra mostly sorted it at the time, but that knocks spontaneity a bit.

Another FWB. His isn't always sustained, not sure why. He's talented in other ways and good company, so I don't mind - we don't meet often these days because of geography anyway.

And another guy I met online, which was down to antidepressants. He enjoyed making me cum, though, and was incredibly grateful when I managed to get him that far. Wasn't interested in seeing him long term, though.

They're definitely out there, but there are plenty others who don't have issues, and if you're starting a relationship, I'd go for the ones who aren't suffering. Also, not facing up to health issues of any sort is best avoided.

smithey85 · 28/12/2024 13:30

TheSamantha · 28/12/2024 06:35

Such tosh.

modern day men are thriving as are modern day women. We are healthier than we’ve ever been.

modern day communication has made us think we are struggling but in reality it is the Gen z and younger that have the issues due to mobile phones.

I’ve not met one man with ED and I’m 51.

Show quote history

You’ve been lucky so far, over 50% of men over 50 will experience some form of ED at some point in their life.

And with more and more processed foods, reduced physical activity, obesity higher than it’s ever been, we are certainly not physically thriving IMO. It is the prevalence of modern day drugs and healthcare which blurs this view for a lot of people.

Antidepressants are a known cause for ED, as is excessive drinking, drugs and steroids among other things.

I was 34 when I had ED. Perfectly healthy lifestyle, gym bunny, rarely drank, never touched a drug in my life. But being a type 1 diabetic it made ED so much more likely.