Silent treatment or thinking time?

[SilentNightsandDays]

I'm in a long distance relationship with my bf. We both have busy jobs and kids. 'Our' time is usually late evening once the kids are asleep when we FaceTime. We message and chat in between. When we have time together in person it's wonderful and really special. However, there is one pattern that keeps repeating and I just don't know how to deal with it any more. Every few months we seem to hit a bump. I feel like I'm not getting the attention I'd like and bring it up and he doesn't take kindly to this at all. Frequently he will end our conversation abruptly with something like 'there's no point talking if you're going to be like this' and then I won't hear from him for a few days. I feel like I'm being punished each time for expressing upset. It's usually me who reaches out first and when I explain how the silent treatment makes me feel he tells me it's not done on purpose to upset me but that he gets overwhelmed and that's his only way of dealing with it. But I can't cope with the silence and what I see as deliberately withholding contact. Over time I've got better at coping with it but part of me thinks it's cruel. Thoughts?

This is an insecure man who won't communicate like an adult, can't handle criticism and won't deal with his feelings in a mature way. He's told you this is the way he is. He's refused to communicate properly repeatedly and it's unlikely that he'll change without a ton of therapy. It's up to you to decide if this relationship is acceptable to you as is. It sounds like it isn't.

He’s training you not to criticise him.

It's a power thing. If it was for space, he'd tell you he needs some space then contact you and continue the conversation in order to resolve the problem.

If you're having the same argument repeatedly then you have a communication problem. IMO he's teaching you not to challenge him.

Thank you for the replies. I think I'd started to think along the same lines. It shouldn't but it kind of surprises me each time it happens, like there's no learning from the time before. And sometimes I beat myself up that I'm too needy, too demanding, but even if those things are true, there's got to be a better way to deal than to freeze me out and actually do the one thing that causes me distress.

Someone who makes you feel like you're too needy or demanding isn't right for you. You're having the same arguments because there's no compromise or effort to resolve problems. It's not working.

Thank you @username299 what you say makes sense. We've talked this issue out many times but it keeps happening because fundamentally there is no compromise. I think the reason I've held on so long is because apart from these periods everything is great. I just can't cope with the silent treatment.

No problem. It's not just about the silent treatment, it's about an inability to communicate and resolve problems. That doesn't bode well for a successful relationship.

Every few months we seem to hit a bump

Romantic relationships are supposed to be nice and not this much hard work OP. He’s trying to train you not to question him. He’s a difficult man who you will probably be far happier without. There are easier, more secure men out there. Don’t settle for this shit, life is way too short to waste yourself on mistreatment by an emotional fuckwit.

"Everything is great as long as I behave the way he wants. If my emotions inconvenience him, he freezes me out."

I definitely wouldn't recommend this as a long-term relationship choice.

It will be like this forever if you stay with him. You sound capable of communicating and you’ve tried. He doesn’t and isn’t doing.

Time to dump.

Make your life better without this nonsense.

You sound like my best friend!

Thank you. That's a powerful way of putting it. It's such a shame because everything else works and it's this single issue and his response to it that keeps tripping us up. I realise that other issues could well crop up in the future and his response mechanism would be the same

I once dated a guy that I thought was amazing in so many ways. He was super smart, fun to be with, open to new experiences, generous with his time and money but then he started to change a bit around 5 months of being together. The final incident began when he canceled last minute on coming to mine one Friday night. He was meant to come for dinner then I was going back with him the same night for the weekend and staying until Sunday.

I wasn’t massively worried but the next day he was still dragging his feet about coming to see me. I gently said to him his attitude had changed towards me and tried to get to the bottom of it, but his response was to cancel our entire weekend because I’d “upset” him so much. I tried to change his mind but he was adamant.

At that point I just ended it. As lovely as he was I could see that he lacked the emotional maturity to talk through conflict and was effectively using the silent treatment to keep me in line which is a massive red flag. I mean it was absurd, I’d pointed out he wasn’t making an effort to see me and his response was to make even less effort by cancelling our whole weekend ?! There’s no future with a man like that!

As mentioned before, he’s conditioning you to never challenge him. Silent treatment is a choice and it’s passive aggressive. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s choosing to do it repeatedly. This is a massive red flag. I think if you weren’t long distance, things would have probably escalated further in terms of controlling behaviours. Being iced out is extremely damaging to the victim who desperately wants to get back on good terms with their abuser. It creates a trauma bond. I would consider ending this relationship because it’s at best unhealthy, at worst abusive.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I think LDR can be like this. An issue is when you need or feel like your partner should be around the distance is a barrier. Although normal relationships have people working away, for instance. On Mumsnet greeting each other at the door is frowned upon and sex shouldn't last more than 10 minutes.
What attention do you need and why do you think this is missing?
Do you trust him?

Gottman has some interesting views on communication in relationships; men and women respond physiologically and mentally differently to each other. I'm not so sure the instant response to emotions is always going to happen in LDR or close by.
LDRs need goals and a timeline, and you also need to be very secure. They develop slowly, and most relationships have hiccups regardless of the drivel written on this board.

I'm in an LDR so I have experience.

Everything else works because you’re in a LDR and he’s not comfortable rocking the boat too much because he can’t guarantee you won’t leave. These type of people wait until it’s extremely difficult to walk away and then slowly increase the abuse.

You are suffering from a different attachment styles problem, and yes some of it can be abusive. It may be that he is avoidant attachment and you are anxious.

The more you chase, the more suffocated he will feel and will further distance himself and try to control contact and the relationship, as you’ve just seen.

And the more distant he becomes, the more you’ll want to chase and persuade, but this can also often be complaining disguised as pursuit, this will further trigger the avoidant in the avoiding you more.

It’s all very counter intuitive and counter productive and does not bring out the best in either of the pair.

One becomes a complaining manipulator.
The other becomes an angry controller.

This can manifest at a low level, or even a very scary violent level when old deep wounds are triggered in each other.

Keep your eyes open, notice the patterns, and be careful.

Thanks for the recent replies. I recognise the attachment types. I am anxious and he is avoidant but although we've discussed that he still defaults to the silent treatment and withdrawal even though he knows it's so damaging for me. That said, I still nag about lack of contact or diminishing contact so I'm not learning either. He's still ignoring me so this is a few days now. Just what you need in the run in to Christmas!

Hmm, hard to know what is going on. If I had a husband who sat me down every few months to look at me sadly while saying he doesn't feel he's getting enough of my attention, I know for sure I would be like . If he wanted to then escalate it and walk off in a huff to find some other woman who would be less abusive and dismissive of his entirely valid feelings, he would be at liberty to do so.

Just a note: Attachment theory takes a nurturing perspective, which leads to many of its conclusions being somewhat circular or self-reinforcing. However, attachment theory faces significant limitations by not accounting for genetic and temperamental factors in its frameworks.

So take attachment theory with a pinch of salt, certainly, the unqualified version used on the internet.
It's well-known men pull away in arguments.

Which other models would you recommend, out of curiosity?

Silent treatment is about power and control and designed to bring you to heal and is a form of abuse. Your partner is extremely emotionally immature in this area. I wouldn’t expect improvement unless he understands there is a problem. For now, it serves his needs, so why should he change?

Do you know about using “I” statements when you are asking for what you need from a partner? The secret is gentle enquiry without judgement into how your partner feels about why he does this, then you explain how it makes you feel without ascribing blame or criticism on him. Basically asking nicely in a loving non critical way. Choose a peaceful time, ask for his permission if he would be willing to talk with you about something important, then he’s likely to listen better. Start with saying you love him and you know he loves you, and explain some of things you really appreciate about him. Then tell him how you feel, NOT how he made you feel, just how you feel - an “I” statement. Then ask him to do you a personal loving favour and could he please refrain from silent treatment, and perhaps agree a time out, not a long one, and that he will come back to resolve talk through and negotiate issues.

Just an example template! Cooking lunch and in a rush!

Wow! That's a leap. He pulls away. Limits contact which then leads me to query why. I don't imagine that. I'm then punished for raising it by no discussion and then extended days of deliberate no contact. We're LD. I can't pop over for a cuppa to sort it out face to face. I don't harass or harangue with constant messages either in this silent period. I wait for him to work things out. But it's really hard for me in that time and I wanted some independent view on whether I was being unreasonable to be upset by the silent treatment. I appreciate and have acknowledged that I'm contributing to the situation.

Being ignored on Christmas Eve? That’s so mean and cruel, it doesn’t sound like he has much empathy for you. I don’t know that this man is a suitable match for you, there will be many others who will have a complementary attachment style rather than a problematic one.