Silent treatment or thinking time?

[SilentNightsandDays]

I'm in a long distance relationship with my bf. We both have busy jobs and kids. 'Our' time is usually late evening once the kids are asleep when we FaceTime. We message and chat in between. When we have time together in person it's wonderful and really special. However, there is one pattern that keeps repeating and I just don't know how to deal with it any more. Every few months we seem to hit a bump. I feel like I'm not getting the attention I'd like and bring it up and he doesn't take kindly to this at all. Frequently he will end our conversation abruptly with something like 'there's no point talking if you're going to be like this' and then I won't hear from him for a few days. I feel like I'm being punished each time for expressing upset. It's usually me who reaches out first and when I explain how the silent treatment makes me feel he tells me it's not done on purpose to upset me but that he gets overwhelmed and that's his only way of dealing with it. But I can't cope with the silence and what I see as deliberately withholding contact. Over time I've got better at coping with it but part of me thinks it's cruel. Thoughts?

Wouldn't life be easier to be in same child -related circumstances, but a bit nearer to each other? I suppose it also depends on what you call a LDR? Half an hours drive or so, should be distance enough for dating ( so you don't have common friends, or risk bumping into each other after it's ended) Anything more is unnecessary effort if you circumstances mean it's going to stay as it is for years. The more effort it takes, the quicker enthusiasm can wane, and people get fed up with it, and find easier options.
Do you both put even effort in and visit each others places an equal amount, or has it been more one-sided?

It's been pretty even in terms of effort to visit. Opportunities are rare and we have to plan carefully to coincide (respite care is needed for DC on both sides) but we've both made efforts over time to make sure that we can meet. I think we've both accepted that for now, with our kids and the lives we lead that, this relationship was enough and when we're good we're really good both in terms of mutual support and enhancing each others lives. Except for me at times it's not been enough because his attention wanes and we'll have a couple of weeks where I feel a bit neglected and when I raise this, this is the outcome. I feel like I'm just repeating myself now. I'm just so sad that conflict results in this brutal silent treatment. I posted originally because I wondered if it was ever reasonable to respond in this way, whether it was reasonable to disappear and have thinking time albeit without being clear you're taking a short amount of time out and will be back. As it stands I have no idea if/when he'll make contact.

Well he's outright said via his texts that he's doing it to punish you.

He needs to be an ex, sooner rather than later. Thank goodness it is long distance - can you imagine living with the sulky arsehole? Having such a person in your children's life? Doesn't bear thinking about.

"when we're good we're really good both in terms of mutual support and enhancing each others lives." Imagine your favourite drink - with just a few drops of cyanide in it. Would you still choose to drink it? The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none. He's controlling and abusive, and he uses his silence to do it.

Thank you for your message. It hits home. I know I can't continue to accept this but as Ive said I'm just sad at the loss of all that's good.

An update: it’s over. I said I couldn’t accept the silent treatment again. He gave me a load of incoherent nonsense about not knowing why he’d shut me out the way he had, not being able to articulate exactly what was wrong, just that something had changed. This was between Christmas and New Year.

I know it’s for the best but I miss our friendship. The uncomplicated bit. The chats at the end of the day. Just someone to share stuff with, laugh with because our humour was exactly the same. I don’t have anyone else in my life who I connect with in the way I did with him. I’m really struggling whilst at the same time knowing it was unhealthy and unsustainable romantically.

It’s early days. It will get better. Give yourself some time to grieve the relationship you’d hoped for and then get back on the horse. You can do better and you deserve better. If you’d stayed with him I’d be willing to bet that those nice moments would have gotten farther and farther apart. He sounds emotionally manipulative and abusive. You’ve done the right thing. Block him everywhere and delete his number so he can’t hoover you back in, because he will try.

Thank you for your kindness. Just really struggling today 🤷🏻‍♀️, needed a little kick up the bum.

And it’s ok to have those days but just remind yourself that your feelings will change with time. How you feel in the moment isn’t permanent. It’s ok to sit with the feelings you have and accept them as part of a process of recovery towards a happier future. Keep talking when you need to. You’ll get plenty of support here. 💐

You've done the right thing by leaving him and you will recover with time and no contact. Be easy on yourself. It's normal to grieve the loss of a relationship. ❤️