Silent treatment or thinking time?

[SilentNightsandDays]

I'm in a long distance relationship with my bf. We both have busy jobs and kids. 'Our' time is usually late evening once the kids are asleep when we FaceTime. We message and chat in between. When we have time together in person it's wonderful and really special. However, there is one pattern that keeps repeating and I just don't know how to deal with it any more. Every few months we seem to hit a bump. I feel like I'm not getting the attention I'd like and bring it up and he doesn't take kindly to this at all. Frequently he will end our conversation abruptly with something like 'there's no point talking if you're going to be like this' and then I won't hear from him for a few days. I feel like I'm being punished each time for expressing upset. It's usually me who reaches out first and when I explain how the silent treatment makes me feel he tells me it's not done on purpose to upset me but that he gets overwhelmed and that's his only way of dealing with it. But I can't cope with the silence and what I see as deliberately withholding contact. Over time I've got better at coping with it but part of me thinks it's cruel. Thoughts?

Non for the purposes of Mumsnet. There can be different attachment styles with different people too.

LDR present many problems one of them is the lack of presence created by the distance. Humans crave closeness in a relationship. LDR has fixed times for meetings meaning when the need for a bond is random the other is just not around.
The positive of long distance is meeting someone from somewhere other than where you live the negative is the emotional bonding and feedback can take longer.

Sorry I was unclear there - I didn't mean that you have been walking off in a huff so far, only that most of the responses in this thread are basically advising you to end the relationship if he doesn't respond to you saying you aren't getting enough attention by accepting he was at fault and working harder to give you more attention. I would not respond as people on this thread are suggesting he should, at all. But in fairness I have never been a ldr because just don't think they are viable anyway.

So take attachment theory with a pinch of salt, certainly, the unqualified version used on the internet.

Yeah, it's overly simplistic. In case it isn't as obvious as it should be, a so-called avoidant type can make you insecure. Certainly happened to me; I ended up believing I was clingy and needy. I'm not, I was reacting like a normal human being to unpredictable withdrawals of affection.

It's a variety of intermittent reinforcement, a behavioural control technique. It sets up a “Loves me, loves me not” anxiety, encouraging the fallacy that you could "love him better" if only you loved him the right way. There is no right way - you can choose emotional detachment, in which you respond to neither the cold nor the warmth, but that's a miserable way to have a relationship (believe me, I tried it!)

Intermittent reinforcement is what creates addictions. It's a highly effective system. If you find yourself feeling that longing for the rejection to cease, and the happy relief when it does, you've been manipulated into an emotional state of dependency - like a gambler shoving ever more money in the slot machine. It's not equal and it's not healthy.

There are many possible outcomes from having a conversation about not feeling like you've received enough attention.
Just a few days ago I had a conversation with my husband where he expressed that he had been feeling rejected lately, because it seemed that every time he suggested we watch a movie together I had said no.
The outcome of the conversation was actually him realising that on the larger scale, we'd been spending much more time together the past few months, doing a lot of things together, lots of quality time. But by unlucky coincidence he had suggested 2 or 3 different movies I had no interest in watching (horror movies mostly). But that I had offered alternatives.
He had just been stuck in his own head and in his own narrative and couldn't put things into perspective. Perceived rejection is somewhat of a trigger for him.

However, the ONLY acceptable reaction from me when he came to me with these feelings, was listening with an open heart. Even though I knew what he said wasn't my reality and I had a very different opinion on things. How horrible would it have been if I had shut him down, or become angry for coming to me with his feelings. By listening and hearing the message underneath (I value our time together), I was able to make him feel heard, and then unpacking what was really going on.

There is literally no excuse for replying this way when someone brings a concern to you. Even if you disagree, validating your partners emotions is one of the most basic skills a person needs in a relationship.

Don't be mistaken. His reaction is not one of ignorance. He knows very well that this is not how you respond to someone you care about. He does it because - as others have said - he's training you not to share your feelings and your unhappiness. He's teaching you not to have any expectations of him, because otherwise you'll be punished.

Thank you for this. It's an interesting take. That's where I am but I've always blamed myself. I have been like this in a previous relationship but my current bf makes that ex look positively angelic! The angst and relief cycle definitely apply to the periods of withdrawal. In between it's brilliant. I relax because I'm getting what I need and bf seems to revel in my affection. In the good moments it feels healthy and balanced and then quite suddenly it doesn't, like now. Meanwhile the silence continues.

Thank you for this too. I'm glad I posted. I needed to hear from others that my reaction to the silences isn't unreasonable. I accept my part in trying to claim time from him that he may genuinely believe he can't spare but as you say, when I raise it, it would be so much better to be met with a willingness to discuss rather than this complete escalation which makes me think he doesn't want to be with me any more and reinforces that neediness cycle.

Thank you everyone xx

I think the reason I've held on so long is because apart from these periods everything is great.

That's a standard tactic to keep you in the relationship. You put up with the shit because you get a reward for it, which is him treating you well. It's the same behaviour that makes physically abusive men buy gifts after they've beaten their partners.

It's probably only 'great' because it's long distance. If you were with each other a lot more, then you may find this issue is amplified and a few other issues might also be creeping in.

Rather than thinking of it as "thinking space" (whereby the person wanting it should express they need a bit of time and set a limit to when they will get back with a response) maybe look into stonewalling and how men often use it to manipulate in relationships. It's common around Christmas time when men sulk more frequently if they don't get their own way as a way to control the family.

Please PLEASE listen to what he's saying. He clearly told you "there's no point talking if you're going to be like this"

He does not want to talk to you when you're being real and authentic with your feelings which you should always be and he doesn't want you to feel comfortable in sharing those feelings with him. This is your partner and he's meant to be safe space but he has told you in his own words he would rather stop talking to you than be a safe space.

As women we sometimes miss what a man's saying because of how we feel. He is telling you very clearly where he stands.

It's up to you to fully comprehend that and decide if you are comfortable that or not. I would leave.

I think posters need to look into 'Flooding'.
Men retreat when they perceive an attack, in their heads they may feel the relationship is on a sound footing. The woman on the other hand may perceive a problem if like in this case she craves emotional closeness. The chat has been perceived as an attack by the ops partner and he's retreated due to flooding.
What he needs to do is listen. However, in the case of LDR, he can't just appear instantly due to the distance.

LDR are difficult DP and I go through the same issues from time to time.

Whether you want to call it flooding or stonewalling, the result is lack of communication and an unwillingness to resolve this through emotionally mature conversation.

Do you want to do this every time you ask for anything emotional he isn't expecting or willing to give? Some men need to spend a lot more time on appreciating other people and their worlds do not revolve around them and most of us will keep the peace by being flexible, rather than rigid in our expectations and approach to hard situations. It won't be hard to find someone who acts normally in these situations OP as only a certain type of man normalises these reactions.

Flooding is not stonewalling.

Women flood too.
I agree he needs to stop retreating, however, it's likely to be learned behaviour which has been reinforced by his experiences. In this case, both people are trapped in a cycle of misunderstanding. Men typically stonewall more than women.

Whether she wants to find someone or can even do so locally is debatable.

This "single issue" affects everything else though, because him even acknowledging you is conditional on you not expressing your genuine needs and feelings. He's repeatedly showing you that your feelings are unacceptable to him, and it sounds like you are repeatedly showing him that you're OK with that by carrying on in the relationship.

Silent treatment has an awful impact - when we are ignored human brains show activation in the same areas as for physical pain. We are wired this way because as infants being ignored threatens our survival. It can have a devastating impact on our mental health and gives the person ignoring us a huge amount of power. Run a mile.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man. It needs to end now. His silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse towards you.

And do not further subject your kids to such a man either because he will treat them the same as he is treating you.

Look into the Freedom Programme and do this as part of your recovery from his abuse of you.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous poor relationships and being abused, are being further eroded by this man now.

Thank you very much to everyone who's posted here. I've just properly read the replies again including some I missed earlier. Bf doesn't have contact with my children so that is not a concern.

I am going to look into some of the resources/behaviours mentioned.

I've no idea when/if contact will be resumed but my response will be different this time. I'm really sad about that but I can't continue with this deliberate behaviour that he says is about protecting his own mental wellbeing when it comes at the expense of mine.

Wishing you all a very happy Christmas and thank you again.

How did it go in the end?

Thanks for asking. I got a message late on Christmas Eve to tell me he was sick of me 'having a go' and that he didn't want to argue all over Christmas so was staying away. Note, the last thing I wanted was to argue all over Christmas obviously. He didn't stay online to have a discussion so I replied in kind, spelling out how unreasonable his behaviour is. He responded some time later to tell me I'd shown again exactly why he'd be staying away. He went offline immediately again and I've heard nothing since.

This is not a short term relationship. I have put up with this many many times but we can't recover from this one. He will know how broken I am at being treated this way. I've tried to keep myself together for my kids and wider family and have only had moments in the shower or in bed at night to allow myself to feel sad.

Why are you going back and forth with him? Surely you see the relationship is dead and it’s time to end things?

There is no future with someone who refuses to communicate in a healthy manner.

He is being emotionally abusive, controlling and dismissive of your feelings - I’m sure you deserve better than this .

How long have you been in this relationship and when you say its long distance are you a couple of hours away in the car or different countries?
How often do you ask him for more attention that results in the radio silence? Is that a regular cause of friction?

My own experience in a ldr I found to be really difficult missing someone every day. When we argued my natural default is to be quiet and I need to be alone to feel and process the hurt and sadness. I did communicate that I needed time to think and reassured them we would talk soon though, but that ldr status made it worse.
Sometimes being silent isn't about being controlling, or deliberately trying to hurt someone - it can be the result of not knowing how to resolve a problem, being terrified you're going to push someone away and feeling totally overwhelmed.

I feel for you op, long distance relationships are so difficult.

A couple of things sprung to mind. Firstly, why should you have to cope with it, and why on earth are you aiming too? The answer is coping is just choosing to put up with it. Most people would be out with a "suit yourself, you don't give me what I need so bye". Then it's nearer to a decent man that has the emotional maturity to not behave like this.
Secondly, why on earth are 2 people with DC's trying to do a LDR anyway? It's not as if either of you will ever want to move away from your DC's to be with the other is it? So, it's just going to be more of the same LDR, going nowhere, which will get old with time.
Let me guess, it's the internet where you met? Well that's no excuse, entering into an LDR is pretty pointless at the best of times. The only good reasons for people to have an LDR is if they want to get away from where they live, or they were close beforehand, but outside circumstances separeated them temporarily - in which case its fair to wait until together again.
Bad reason people have LDR's - so they don't have to commit ever ( likely your BF, and maybe you are a tad scared of that too). So they can have free reign to fool around with others without being found out. So they can be a BF/GF on a part time basis and opt out at their convenience. Or to be able to hide aspects of their life they don't want a partner to know about easier.

Our choice to have a ldr isn't as cynical as you suggest. We both have circumstances related to our children that make sustaining a 'normal' relationship difficult (in addition we're both full time resident parents). This relationship has allowed us both to have a supportive person to talk to, a sexual outlet and occasional meet ups when circumstances allow which have always been amazing. Our life set ups are so similar that it's worked for both of us. Except for the fact that I need him to provide a consistent level of availability and support which he doesn't feel he can provide so every 3-4 months we have a bit of conflict that results in this behaviour. I know I can't come back from it this time which makes me sad for the loss of all the bits that are good. I recognise I've had a part to play in not accepting diminishing levels of contact when perhaps I should have but the response and refusal to discuss like adults is what does the damage.