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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you react to this humiliating situation

52 replies

LollypOPz5 · 23/12/2024 18:33

I dated someone who USED to work where I work. We went for drinks twice. Had some fun and then it faded into silence (from him) after a week of no contact I spoke to a woman i work with who he had chased but didn't get anywhere. We messaged back and forth confirming how he'd chased us both and things he'd said. We've clicked on he is all talk to get what he wants.

I had an appraisal today. Was quite shocked to sit down and my assistant manager asked me what I thought about sharing my sexual encounters with other colleagues. I was shocked and said excuse me. What are you talking about. Eventually I clicked and said we both spoke out of work in private and we are friends with no issue. He said someone else has reported her and she wrongly thought it must have been me. My main manager then said did you have sex with him? To which I am then sat there explaining he had played me abit to think he liked me then disappeared after his fun!

They assured me the other colleague was fully aware I wasn't linked or the person who has reported anything.

I then speak to my friend to make sure she's OK and told her what had happened. She is claiming they already knew and were questioning her. Impossible as nobody else was told. But she's also told me we need to take it higher because its absolutely unprofessional.

I'm feeling pretty upset that I've had to confirm my bosses I've had sex recently and I see no way its affected my work or professionalism.

I feel like job hunting. I had a great appraisal after the embarrassing conversation. But I don't even want to return I cried walking home as he's the only man I've slept with in years and I really didn't need people knowing.

OP posts:
BCBird · 23/12/2024 18:35

How awful for u. No advice sorry, but sending u a hand hold OP

Anonymouslylonely · 23/12/2024 18:36

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SmileEachDay · 23/12/2024 18:37

I don’t know what industry you work in OP, but in mine that would lead to the managers being disciplined and possibly sacked.

If you have an HR dept and a union, I’d go straight to them.

LollypOPz5 · 23/12/2024 18:38

I'm in a nursing home

OP posts:
Anonymouslylonely · 23/12/2024 18:38

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2025willbemytime · 23/12/2024 18:39

This is the creepiest thing I've read in a long time. Please report them to everyone. This is not okay. However, please learn that if someone is asking you a question you know to be unfair do not answer them.

HPandthelastwish · 23/12/2024 18:42

Yea that's not ok.
Is there anything in your contract about relationships with colleagues and informing HR etc?

If not, who are they to question either of you unless your friend was having a conversation about sexual encounters with someone whist at work, that is an issue.

LollypOPz5 · 23/12/2024 18:43

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Yes x

OP posts:
Anonymouslylonely · 23/12/2024 18:44

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Abitofhassle · 23/12/2024 18:45

Are you in a union? If so you need to get in touch with them asap. If not, you really need to join one asap.
There is absolutely no way that information is of any concern to your employer or relevant to your work appraisal.
Disgraceful

Thursdaygirl · 23/12/2024 18:45

Abitofhassle · 23/12/2024 18:45

Are you in a union? If so you need to get in touch with them asap. If not, you really need to join one asap.
There is absolutely no way that information is of any concern to your employer or relevant to your work appraisal.
Disgraceful

This

BobbyBiscuits · 23/12/2024 18:48

Is it a stackable offence to have romantic relations with colleagues? If so, I'd say that is harsh but I guess they can do some disciplinary shit.

Otherwise quite frankly it's appalling to be grilled about ones personal life by bosses at work. 'did you have sex with him'? Who the fuck asks stuff like that?

I'm sorry but I don't think that you can ask such things of your staff.
You need to get the fuck out of that shit hole.

caramac04 · 23/12/2024 18:54

Wow I’m absolutely gobsmacked that you could be asked about your private life in this way.
I can’t believe this is acceptable and their actual question smacks of double standards. Don’t tell your work friend but give me the details! Shocking behaviour by manager.
So sorry you have been upset by the man and the manager.
Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong. Please look for another job.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 23/12/2024 18:57

They should not be asking you about things outside of work, unless it impacts work, which it doesn't.
Don't tell your colleague anything else, she's a shit stirrer.

SmileEachDay · 23/12/2024 19:03

Are you in a union OP? Most healthcare professionals are.

Owly11 · 23/12/2024 19:04

Be careful especially if you are a nurse. Nursing homes are absolutely awful for referring nurses to the NMC for any kind of whistle blowing. I would start looking for a new job asap. I am so sorry you work in such a disgusting place.

LollypOPz5 · 23/12/2024 19:04

I feel violated. No rules against dating colleagues. He hasn't worked there for 6 months. I asked the work colleague if I could chat to her in confidence and we swapped numbers. Spoke in an empty dining room at 6.30am before anyone was awake. Then discussed things in texts out of work. She checked in on me a couple of times because she knew he'd played me and I was a tad hurt for a few days.

She was told she'd been reported and she presumed it was by me when it wasn't me or anything to do with me. So it's almost like my private life got dropped into her disciplinary. But I was horrified when my assistant manager said it in a firm voice. My manager said I want to see her face when you ask her. She's female. They seemed to be joking and I told them they've embarrassed me. I sort of admitted I felt mortified but I half laughed it off because I was in shock and really wasn't ready for that. At the end the assistant said sorry about us asking about that but because it was mentioned we had to discuss it.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
LollypOPz5 · 23/12/2024 19:07

Owly11 · 23/12/2024 19:04

Be careful especially if you are a nurse. Nursing homes are absolutely awful for referring nurses to the NMC for any kind of whistle blowing. I would start looking for a new job asap. I am so sorry you work in such a disgusting place.

I'm not a nurse I'm a health support worker.

OP posts:
LollypOPz5 · 23/12/2024 19:08

I don't know about the union thing. I dont know where to go from here. My other colleague is wanting a meeting with area manager.

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 23/12/2024 19:10

I woul put in a written complaint that your assistant manager has acted unprofessionally /bullied /sexually harassed you. It is not appropriate for anyone at work to ask you about your sex life. If that had been a male manager it would be creepy as fuck but a female manager also should not be asking those questions!

SmileEachDay · 23/12/2024 19:10

LollypOPz5 · 23/12/2024 19:08

I don't know about the union thing. I dont know where to go from here. My other colleague is wanting a meeting with area manager.

Can the two of you join forces a bit? Sounds like you’ve both been treated unprofessionally.

If you’re not in a union, you can go to ACAS for advice and support.
www.acas.org.uk

MisoSalmonForLunch · 23/12/2024 19:14

No insight into your situation OP, but for those saying managers should never ask about your sex life - where I work it’s policy that any sexual encounters with colleagues, clients or suppliers have to be reported to HR promptly. Not doing that is a sackable offence. I think this is a pretty standard rule across the industry.

SmileEachDay · 23/12/2024 19:18

MisoSalmonForLunch · 23/12/2024 19:14

No insight into your situation OP, but for those saying managers should never ask about your sex life - where I work it’s policy that any sexual encounters with colleagues, clients or suppliers have to be reported to HR promptly. Not doing that is a sackable offence. I think this is a pretty standard rule across the industry.

Except the man doesn’t work there any more.

itsgettingweird · 23/12/2024 19:20

Absolutely take this further.

I'm not the biggest fan of my boss but one thing I respect her for is that she says any news people share is theirs to share. She doesn't accept any gossiping and will hunt it down and spit it out.

NiftyKoala · 23/12/2024 19:22

SmileEachDay · 23/12/2024 18:37

I don’t know what industry you work in OP, but in mine that would lead to the managers being disciplined and possibly sacked.

If you have an HR dept and a union, I’d go straight to them.

This. I'm in management. If I said or asked my employees anything like that I'd be saked or at the very least suspended. You and your friend do need to go higher. Your assistant manager is completely out of line.

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