How would you react to this humiliating situation

[LollypOPz5]

I dated someone who USED to work where I work. We went for drinks twice. Had some fun and then it faded into silence (from him) after a week of no contact I spoke to a woman i work with who he had chased but didn't get anywhere. We messaged back and forth confirming how he'd chased us both and things he'd said. We've clicked on he is all talk to get what he wants.

I had an appraisal today. Was quite shocked to sit down and my assistant manager asked me what I thought about sharing my sexual encounters with other colleagues. I was shocked and said excuse me. What are you talking about. Eventually I clicked and said we both spoke out of work in private and we are friends with no issue. He said someone else has reported her and she wrongly thought it must have been me. My main manager then said did you have sex with him? To which I am then sat there explaining he had played me abit to think he liked me then disappeared after his fun!

They assured me the other colleague was fully aware I wasn't linked or the person who has reported anything.

I then speak to my friend to make sure she's OK and told her what had happened. She is claiming they already knew and were questioning her. Impossible as nobody else was told. But she's also told me we need to take it higher because its absolutely unprofessional.

I'm feeling pretty upset that I've had to confirm my bosses I've had sex recently and I see no way its affected my work or professionalism.

I feel like job hunting. I had a great appraisal after the embarrassing conversation. But I don't even want to return I cried walking home as he's the only man I've slept with in years and I really didn't need people knowing.

Absolutely this

What industry is that?

That’s not good and is it ok to dm? X

I'm struggling to understand why they thought it was appropriate. I am just stuck how to react but I'm angry and don't even want to return to the place.

This is a violation of some sort.. Professional boundaries or something. Tell them you'd like to bring a representative next time and you're approaching HR, they'll soon back off.

This is absolutely gross and I'm not surprised you feel humiliated. It feels discriminatory.

Do your bosses have form for bullying?
What about your female friend? Are you sure she's a friend?

I would probably be looking for a new job in the new year, I wouldn't want to work somewhere like that.

Agree with this. It’s only an issue if your colleague reported you (under the new sexual harassment law - if you’re in UK - discussing intimate things, even vaguely, can lead to a claim of harassment against you. You can be reported by any staff member who bears witness - did someone overhear the conversation as you were at work? Your employer can also be culpable for any harassment which has occurred.

in contrast to this it’s a human right, in law, to have the right to a private life. The issue here may be that you were discussing it on work premises. I don’t think your managers took appropriate advice before speaking to you on such a sensitive issue.

Are you sure he’s not also currently seeing someone you both work with who’s stirring the pot?

She is claiming they already knew and were questioning her. Impossible as nobody else was told.

This doesn't make sense. If management already knew them someone has told them, which means one of two things.

1- Someone (colleague or a patient) overheard you and reported.

2 - This other woman has told someone else and it's got back to management/been overheard and reported.

Or is it possible that the guy mentioned it in a leaving interview just to be a dick?

Also you haven't been clear on what the complaint was about - is the issue sleeping with a colleague (you say this isn't against policy) or inappropriate conversations at work? The latter is almost certainly against policy, especially if someone felt the need to report it.

Either way, what happened in the appraisal seems inappropriate - asking you outright if you've had sex with someone is pushing it to say the least.

It might have been an appropriate question if the guy was in a position of authority over you (or vice-versa), but with him not working there now that's irrelevant. Seems like they've been asked to raise the issue of an inappropriate conversation and strayed into gossip territory.

As for next steps - How far do you want to take it? Is it worth making enemies of the people who asked you if you intent to stay? If you are genuinely that upset by it, make some notes and ask to speak to HR or a senior manager you trust.

This has been the case in pretty much every office environment I've worked in for the last 15-20 years as far as I can remember.

I've worked in places where it's been outright banned, or where not reporting it is grounds for a disciplinary.

It sounds like your friend got in trouble for harassing him and he's reported it. Maybe she contacted him after you two talked. You haven't asked why she was being disciplined?

This is appalling. There's no way I'd have answered their questions! How dare they pry into your private life. I'd be looking for another job.

No point in joining a union after the event, they wont support you

What you can do though is have an chat with an employment lawyer, not an ambulance chaser, a proper lawyer ( or is it solicitor ? ) who knows employment law inside out who can decide if there is a case against your employer. They wont take a case on a hiding to nowhere and will advise accordingly

If it is easy to find work in your field I wouldn’t go back. Maybe ask the other women to back you up and make a complaint to their managers.

I think you'll need to get through some of the anger and sadness first. Writing on here is good, but talk to trusted friends, cry and get angry. Move to a point of acceptance, but not of defeat, that this very inappropriate situation occurred at work.
Then get your logical head into gear to tackle it. Read your terms & conditions and appraisal process - I expect you are not expected to deal with new shocking information in appraisals for a start?

Secondly, you're an adult and adults have sex with other adults, which is private and not company business.
I'd start with HR to request advice and support.

WTAF. No one has the right to ask you about your private life outside of work unless it directly affects your job (dating a superior or sleeping with a client for example). They can’t ask you if you had sex!

You have nothing to feel humiliated about!

Pleasw leave this crazy place but yes speak to a union rep and HR asap.

No he hasn't reported he left 4 months before I slept with him. She was pulled in for various complaints and wrongly thought it was me who had reported her. They told me she now knows it was a separate thing and not me. She is claiming they already knew about it and asked her about it. But I don't see why they'd come to her and not me. Plus again it hasn't been discussed with anyone else at work or on the premises. I didnt even go into details with her at work that was done at home.

Patients wouldn't have heard. All were asleep and were not near us. No other staff were up there at that time.

She could be lying. But someone is. They said there's no issue and I've done nothing wrong. What happens outside of work isn't their business they said. Yet they still spoke to me sternly and gradually went into a humorous response.

Assistant manager is a 21 year old male and female is the main boss. I'm late 30s so it was also embarrassing explaining to someone that young.

Your colleague must be lying. As if the convo was between the two of you. How else would anyone know. She’s told. It’s the only way.

and if you’re being managed and disciplined by 21 year olds there’s the issue.

it is unacceptable. Is it a small independent care home, or is there hr you can go to?

also if you’re a carer, what’s your contract like, ie it’s not zero hours is it, and how long have you been there?

Are there cctv cameras around the home? I would assume someone in management has listened in on the conversation and then used their power to humiliate you. Or the guy has links to management still- maybe he has started something with the female manager you mentioned, and then again they have used to humiliate you. Either way, there is no way you should have been expected to discuss your sex life in that meeting. Join a union. You'll receive a document with your appraisal details on, I doubt this bit would be recorded, escalate to HR.

He deffo hasn't started anything with the manager. They didn't get on and huge age gap of 25 years. I think she's lied. I've asked if I can ring up this afternoon and talk to them about it. They said I can. But I don't know whether I want to now. I was going to tell them I felt someone was lying as their version and her version is different and I'd like the truth about how my private life has been leaked to management. But I don't know if I will make it worse. The friend is reporting them for discrimination and I'm worried about being dragged further into this.

I agree. 'Did you have sex with this man?' Outrageous.

You must be feeling awful. I'm so sorry. Years ago I went out with a colleague for a first date and we parted at a tube station and I went home. He was really late to work the next day and by 11am they came into my section, which I shared with five people, and asked me in front of everyone where he was. I was SO embarrassed and only 19. I said we'd been on a date and I'd gone home but I was mortified that they thought I had slept with him. I should have just said how would I know! But they should never have asked.

If anyone asks you about your sex life the answer is, that isn't an appropriate question and it is none of your business.

I honestly think that you need to have someone to advise and support you who can remain level headed and focused. It would be a big help if they had insight into employment legislation. That is we’re a union rep could help, you could give Unison a call and explain. If you have a representative with you it may also deter any pushback from your managers if you go forward with a complaint.

I wouldn’t go in to address just now as you are understandably very upset.
I would also hazard a guess that they are bricking it now so let them stew on it. They should, by now, know they screwed up and will be engaging in damage limitation.
Do not discuss this with anyone from your work, step back and see what they come back with.

I really empathise with you as workplace issues can become all encompassing and hard to shake off.

I would start looking into how to file a sexual harassment complaint against your assistant manager.

'Are you and he dating/in a romantic relationship?' if you BOTH were still working at the same place would be an appropriate question to avoid one being promoted and managing the other. Asking about your sex life with an ex-employee is ludicrous.

If you were describing your sexual encounter in lurid detail (which I doubt) and someone overheard and complained it should have been addressed immediately in a disciplinary meeting, not dragged into a performance appraisal some time later.

Your assistant manager is an idiot. Sorry.

@LollypOPz5 report this to your Union ASAP and you should also request a meeting with area manager.

What was said was absolutely unacceptable and gross misconduct. Don't let them get away with it.

If you were a man, would they still have pulled you up like that? No. So, this was a form of sexual harassment and you are well within your rights to escalate.

I am ab disgusted at this. OP please please say ur taking this further! They have absolutely NO right to ask you this. Complete disgrace