Partner snoring Sleep deprivation help!

[Sleeptorture]

This is probably a rant but I need to offload and share before I can think about going back to sleep.
My partner snores.
it is extremely loud to the point where he can’t stay at mine when the kids are home because it keeps them awake.
when it’s just us I often ask him to sleep downstairs.
i really struggle with insomnia and once I’m woken up it’s really hard to get back to sleep, especially because I’m subconsciously on tenterhooks awaiting the next big sound.
he also does weird chokes sounds and stops breathing.
this is most nights but there’s occasionally quieter ones.
his dad has a history of heart attacks and I’ve read that sleep apnoea can exacerbate risk.

i feel really stressed and upset when I can’t sleep, I also have several coexisting health conditions, physical and neurological.
he is often tired but he is not bothered by his own snoring.

he once mentioned it to his gp but the gp said if my partner isnt bothered by it then he doesn’t need referral to sleep clinic.

i asked him to download a snoring app which he has used once.
It recorded disturbed sleep and really high decibels (I can’t remember the number but it registered as very loud).
he sleeps like the dead and is always out like a light.

i use earplugs, white noise, podcasts, various sleeping tablets etc, to try and cancel out the noise , sometimes all at once but he also physically rumbles at times and is quite lively in his sleep and finds my various sounds annoying.
i don’t feel there’s anymore compromise I can make.

this means our nights together are infrequent which I find hard and struggle to see how we can progress our relationship if we can’t sleep together most nights.

i rarely stay at his house as he has housemates and it’s not so relaxing or private but i stayed tonight for a change of scene for me, constant hosting is also a ballache.

he was ready to sleep early and he fell asleep straight into snoring and I struggled to fall asleep until about 1 or 2am, partly because of the noise but every time I dropped off I’d be woken up by another big snore or choke, I laid there for ages trying to get back off but by 230 I was wide awake and on the verge of tears.

i didn’t want to sleep on the sofa as I knew one housemate was at party and I had no idea when he might roll in and whether he’d go straight to the lounge and I had no idea what the other one’s plans were so felt if I slept on the sofa I’d still be on eggshells expecting to get woken up.

I couldn’t get a taxi as none available due to clubs kicking out time and had to wake him for his house keys so I could get out and lock up again.

he didn’t wake properly but offered to drive me home, he looked completely out of it and I thought it would be a hassle for him to drive , plus unfair and probably unsafe, plus it was my decision to leave.

I was so desperate to get out and come home to bed so I said I’ll walk into town and get a taxi there, he sort of insisted but at the same time was half asleep and laid back down put his headphones back on and was asleep before I even left his bedroom.

i walked into town feeling quite nervous and a bit stupid and nervous in case something sinister happened but I got to the taxi rank and got home in one piece.
obviously he is fast asleep so hasn’t checked i got home ok which has pissed me off a bit because I feel he could have at least done that if he wasn’t physically up to the task of driving, despite offering .
I feel upset that he’s asleep with no knowledge of whether I am home safe and I’m aware that might sound diva-ish but it’s how I feel after half an hour sleep and having been up since 530 the day before

Ive just got home now and am quite upset, I think because I have said so many times in so many ways how this snoring is affecting me, the kids don’t like it and I am genuinely worried about his health.

i have medical ptsd because of my own experiences and things that were overlooked etc.

so i don’t know how to progress.
i
don’t see how we can ever live together in future (we’ve been together nearly two years)
he says it never bothered his wife because he mainly worked night shifts when they were together for over twenty years

He has talked about buying a cpap online but they’re prescription only as far as I know, he doesn’t remember to use the snoring app and also uses his phone to listen to headphones through the night so the snore app doesn’t work alongside it (I think he said)

theres only so many times i can ask him to get referral to sleep clinic or to even monitor his snoring.

i have several (women) friends who use cpap and really rate it , I don’t know for sure he has sleep apnoea but everything I’ve seen and heard from him and what I’ve read all matches up.
he also has hiatus hernia so not sure if that’s affecting his sleep and breathing .

hes clearly not bothered and I feel like we’re at an impasse.
I love him and want to be together but I’m fed up with this and it’s making me feel sad. And stressed and it’s definitely affecting my health and my mental and emotional wellbeing

I forced my snorer to go to doc and he had a thorough exam. Turns out he has polyps and an allergy to dust mites. Was sent away with nasal sprays and antihistamines. He used them for a while and then stops saying he does not like taking meds. He has no extra weight so that's not the issue.

I now insist he takes antihistamines (nasal and orally) and it definitely makes a difference.

There isn't much that can be done for polyps until they get so big they need removal.

So my advice is insist on GP and in the meantime try antihistamines

There is a ring he can buy that will measure his blood oxygen levels and buzz every time his oxygen levels go down so much that his body goes into panic mode and makes him gasp for air. He can buy them on Amazon.

There is a ring he can buy that will measure his blood oxygen levels and buzz every time his oxygen levels go down so much that his body goes into panic mode and makes him gasp for air. He can buy them on Amazon.

😂

Is this for real?
if so I will send him a link ! I’m not up for buying anything else. He paid 50/60 quid for the app her never uses too!

to the poster who said it’s a crap shag, it really isn’t crap, it’s awesome and a lot of fun but lately the libido has waned significantly.
it’s still good just not as much as I’d like and he’s turned me down a few times which is frustrating but when we do it’s epic.
there is a lot of love and good stuff between us, this is really driving a wedge though, he has been adamant that he is going to be more proactive as doesn’t want to end the relationship, I just have to wait and trust / hope….
in the meantime we’ve agreed we’re not sleeping together

Didn't read the whole post but if he's got observed apnoeas (stopping breathing) he needs overnight oximetry. Google stopbang and Epworth scores, calculate and take to gp for a referral.. untreated osa has high health implications

I spent the night with someone who snored so loudly it was like someone revving a motorbike on the bed. If he'd spoken at that volume I'd have told him to stop shouting at me. I'd had hopes for us, but that one night was enough.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B08KDXWND1?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title

Can’t vouch for its safety. But if he tracks his O2 level drops it might make him realise how dangerous it is

Thanks I will check this out x

Bless him he’s made a private appointment for an assessment , I colllected an assortment of information from here to send him today and then he showed me that he made the appointment.
he said he can’t deal with going back to the surgery possibly getting fobbed off again and being on a long waiting list.
kudos to him for trying, I hope it helps or makes a difference, my next concern is what if he hates it, I know that lots of people find it hard to use first few times so I hope he gives it a chance and hope that if it doesn’t help he will continue to work on sorting it.
i am touched that he’s finally done something about it
thanks all for your input and support

@Sleeptorture That’s a great update! I hope this is the start of the end of his snoring. When is his appointment? It can definitely take a little while to get used to a CPAP while sleeping. I had some trouble getting used to it but my DH was supportive and encouraging, and the clinic said to aim for a minimum of 4 hours use per night for a clinical effect. It was also suggested to wear the mask without the machine being turned on, and to be awake while it was turned on to get used to the sensations. I wasn’t used to breathing so deeply. I swear parts of my lungs were inflating that hadn’t been inflated in decades.

Getting the right type of mask makes a massive difference. The clinic tried to set me up with a nose only mask. That kind of panicked me for some reason plus I couldn’t talk at all when it was on because the pressured air would shoot out of my mouth as soon as I opened my mouth. I have a full face mask which covers my nose and mouth (not actually the whole face). So much better. I tend to sleep with my mouth open for at least part of the night so this way the CPAP air is going into mouth instead of escaping out of my mouth and is being useful. I don’t have to worry about strictly nose breathing and can just breathe.

A long ramp up time helped. Ramp up is a setting on the machine where it starts at a low pressure and gradually increases up to the prescribed pressure. I think I initially used 15 mins. Now I think it’s 5 mins. I also had to adjust the humidity of the air, the temperature of the hose, and the straps of the mask. I read the instruction manual and found out how to change the clinical settings that I’d otherwise have had to go back and pay the clinic to adjust. Adjusting and fine tuning those settings made a big difference to comfort.

Now I’m so used to it and it’s such a sleep cue for me that I often fall asleep as soon as the mask is on my face. I’ll often fall asleep before I even get the second clip done up. Unless I’m exhausted I find it almost impossible to fall asleep without the mask. My brain will be screaming at me that it likes breathing and I won’t be breathing properly without the mask.

Wow! Thanks for all this guidance, he has appt first week of new year. I had gathered from friends that there’s potentially a lot of tweaking so just have to hope he gives it every chance and tries it to the best of his abilities.
i don’t like ultimatums especially when it’s something as personal as his health , and didn’t issue an ultimatum as such but I am touched that he’s taken it on board and has made the first step.
he hates confrontation and I wonder if returning to the gp for a second opinion was too much for him?
who knows, I’m really hopeful for this 🤞

No problem. I know the importance of CPAP initially through my dad and his awful snoring and apnoeas, and then myself and then DH. Good on your DP for taking the step of getting booked in to be checked out. That GP was an idiot.

For the first few weeks I’d wake up during the night and pull the mask off and hated it. With DH’s support, and me realising that I felt better when using the machine, the benefits outweighed the annoyances. No longer waking up with an awful headache that would last all day no matter what was the biggest benefit. Feeling less sleepy through the day too. Not waking up with a sore throat from snoring.

When he goes for his overnight study make sure he takes whatever he needs for a good sleep eg a particular pillow, a cuddly toy, whatever. For me it was a hot water bottle. I struggled to sleep without it. When I went back for my second overnight stay to work out the settings for my CPAP I took it with me and slept so much better. Quite possibly the best night’s sleep I ever had, probably because I breathed all night for the first time in years, the bed was amazing and the room was so dark. The wires attached all over me, the mask, the constant camera monitoring and the staff waking me to adjust something or my positioning were all fine because I slept so well.

BTW, your DP might initially be reluctant or embarrassed about wearing the mask around you. DH and I kind of joke about it with each other. CPAP masks aren’t attractive or cool or conducive to cuddling up together. However they are attractive in that with that mask on his face you’ll hate him about 1 million times less during the middle of the night. Not being woken by him is attractive. Not lying awake waiting for him to start breathing again is a very good thing. He’ll feel so much better. He’ll be falling asleep less during the day. His libido might improve with better sleep. He might find it easier to lose weight.

Hearing the very quiet, rhythmic noise of the machine as he breathes is so reassuring. If his mask is on properly and the hose connected correctly there should be no loud noise at all. Less noise than a fan on low. A loud hissing noise means he has a leak somewhere and needs to reposition his mask or check the hose.

For DH and I we cuddle up, kiss good night, then turn our backs to each other and masks on. That’s usually it until his alarm clock or mine wakes me, or sometimes a hiss from his mask needing repositioning. So much better than wishing evil things on him multiple times a night when woken by his snoring and considering a divorce.

You're 'touched' that he may have finally got off his arse to so something that was affecting your health? And YOU had to sort and send him all this information?
You arevwort so much more than this op, but it looks like you've willingly stepped into the role of his mum so if you're happy with that then good luck to you.

True! I am sensitive to health stuff though after a lifetime of being medically neglected and I get why it’s more challenging for some people especially men to face up to health stuff especially when they’ve been dismissed before but I also completely take on board what you’re saying and it is something I need to watch myself for