Partner snoring Sleep deprivation help!

[Sleeptorture]

This is probably a rant but I need to offload and share before I can think about going back to sleep.
My partner snores.
it is extremely loud to the point where he can’t stay at mine when the kids are home because it keeps them awake.
when it’s just us I often ask him to sleep downstairs.
i really struggle with insomnia and once I’m woken up it’s really hard to get back to sleep, especially because I’m subconsciously on tenterhooks awaiting the next big sound.
he also does weird chokes sounds and stops breathing.
this is most nights but there’s occasionally quieter ones.
his dad has a history of heart attacks and I’ve read that sleep apnoea can exacerbate risk.

i feel really stressed and upset when I can’t sleep, I also have several coexisting health conditions, physical and neurological.
he is often tired but he is not bothered by his own snoring.

he once mentioned it to his gp but the gp said if my partner isnt bothered by it then he doesn’t need referral to sleep clinic.

i asked him to download a snoring app which he has used once.
It recorded disturbed sleep and really high decibels (I can’t remember the number but it registered as very loud).
he sleeps like the dead and is always out like a light.

i use earplugs, white noise, podcasts, various sleeping tablets etc, to try and cancel out the noise , sometimes all at once but he also physically rumbles at times and is quite lively in his sleep and finds my various sounds annoying.
i don’t feel there’s anymore compromise I can make.

this means our nights together are infrequent which I find hard and struggle to see how we can progress our relationship if we can’t sleep together most nights.

i rarely stay at his house as he has housemates and it’s not so relaxing or private but i stayed tonight for a change of scene for me, constant hosting is also a ballache.

he was ready to sleep early and he fell asleep straight into snoring and I struggled to fall asleep until about 1 or 2am, partly because of the noise but every time I dropped off I’d be woken up by another big snore or choke, I laid there for ages trying to get back off but by 230 I was wide awake and on the verge of tears.

i didn’t want to sleep on the sofa as I knew one housemate was at party and I had no idea when he might roll in and whether he’d go straight to the lounge and I had no idea what the other one’s plans were so felt if I slept on the sofa I’d still be on eggshells expecting to get woken up.

I couldn’t get a taxi as none available due to clubs kicking out time and had to wake him for his house keys so I could get out and lock up again.

he didn’t wake properly but offered to drive me home, he looked completely out of it and I thought it would be a hassle for him to drive , plus unfair and probably unsafe, plus it was my decision to leave.

I was so desperate to get out and come home to bed so I said I’ll walk into town and get a taxi there, he sort of insisted but at the same time was half asleep and laid back down put his headphones back on and was asleep before I even left his bedroom.

i walked into town feeling quite nervous and a bit stupid and nervous in case something sinister happened but I got to the taxi rank and got home in one piece.
obviously he is fast asleep so hasn’t checked i got home ok which has pissed me off a bit because I feel he could have at least done that if he wasn’t physically up to the task of driving, despite offering .
I feel upset that he’s asleep with no knowledge of whether I am home safe and I’m aware that might sound diva-ish but it’s how I feel after half an hour sleep and having been up since 530 the day before

Ive just got home now and am quite upset, I think because I have said so many times in so many ways how this snoring is affecting me, the kids don’t like it and I am genuinely worried about his health.

i have medical ptsd because of my own experiences and things that were overlooked etc.

so i don’t know how to progress.
i
don’t see how we can ever live together in future (we’ve been together nearly two years)
he says it never bothered his wife because he mainly worked night shifts when they were together for over twenty years

He has talked about buying a cpap online but they’re prescription only as far as I know, he doesn’t remember to use the snoring app and also uses his phone to listen to headphones through the night so the snore app doesn’t work alongside it (I think he said)

theres only so many times i can ask him to get referral to sleep clinic or to even monitor his snoring.

i have several (women) friends who use cpap and really rate it , I don’t know for sure he has sleep apnoea but everything I’ve seen and heard from him and what I’ve read all matches up.
he also has hiatus hernia so not sure if that’s affecting his sleep and breathing .

hes clearly not bothered and I feel like we’re at an impasse.
I love him and want to be together but I’m fed up with this and it’s making me feel sad. And stressed and it’s definitely affecting my health and my mental and emotional wellbeing

When I complained and ended up sleeping on his sofa he very grudgingly bought me a pair of earplugs but I found them so uncomfortable to wear and I could still bloody hear him!
I mentioned about him going to the Dr but he refused (I know he had sleep apnoea as a previous partner had it and used a cpap machine) so I realised that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, especially when he kept my dc awake if he stayed at mine!
The relief I felt when I dumped him knowing I could sleep peacefully in my own bed from now on is priceless.

Honestly I could commit bloody murder listening to that choking snoring while suffering from insomnia. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, it’s really awful.

And to be honest op I got fed up of feeling like his mother trying to cajole him into to being proactive into dealing with it, some men are just a complete waste of our very important time. Such a turn-off. Bin him.

It would be a huge deal breaker for me.
He has already had an opportunity to be referred by the GP who even said that unless it’s disturbing his partner, it’s not an issue.

So did he not, at that point tell the GP that, yes it is an issue ??

Sounds like he’s taking you for granted and isn’t bothered.
What’s keeping you in the relationship ?
What is so great about him that you’ll put up with sleep deprivation to stay with him ?
Is he really worth it ?

Does he drive for a living? I know men who do won’t ask for referrals because they’re immediately banned from driving until it’s under control. I’m absolutely horrified that his gp was so dismissive - it’s a dangerous condition to have. I didn’t go about snoring, I went because I was so exhausted and couldn’t think straight and thought I had an incontinence issue as I was up 3 to 4 times a night to use the bathroom. I was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnoea and the cpap was the most wonderful prescription I’ve ever had in my life because it gave me my life back. Please urge him to go, it’s life changing. He’ll feel so much better. When I got home I got straight into bed and still remember how wonderful it felt feeling the air inflate my lungs do I could breathe deeply when I lay down. Blissful!

He needs to tell the gp that you’ve told him he stops breathing.

I don’t know. We’ve sort of worked through other differences and feels like a lot of stuff has been invested ( yes I understand sunk costs fallacy)
we have lots of good times and love but it often feels like I’m compromising a lot and this sleep thing has not helped my health at all. I feel broken today, and let down . I’ve now learned that he contacted one of our mutual friends, no idea what he said but I’ve had a worried message from her checking I’m ok 😞
this has really pissed me off that now one of my friends has been worried that I didn’t get home safely and I don’t know why on earth he contacted her. She lives in a completely different direction from either of us, also a non driver so there’s no way I’d have contacted her at 3am to tell her I’m walking home cos of his bloody snoring

I’m always trying to roll him, it doesn’t make much difference and he’s really heavy , he really is a deadweight when he’s asleep and he still snores on his side but pretty soon flips back into what I call his happy baby pose. Legs a bloody kimbo , listening to his comedy on his headphones, eye mask and not a care in the world

If you already feel like you're compromising a lot and this is affecting your health then, as much as you love him, how on earth is this relationship good for YOU?
You weren't put on this earth to prioritise his health over yours. You sound far too nice and accommodating op.💐

His snoring is impacting him. But it's his baseline so until he improves his sleep and sorts it out he won't know how shit it is as he has nothing to compare it to.

I have a husband with snoring that defies even the best ear plugs. If he hadn't gone to the doctor to seek treatment for his sleep apnea I would have left. Sleep deprivation sucks.

He sounds like a teenage boy not a grown man.
Can I be frank? He doesn’t really give a toss. He sleeps.
He has no real care the effect it has on you, your health and your home life.
I would be racked with guilt if I was depriving someone of sleep.
I get that you have struggles with sleep, it’s absolutely awful, apart from the harmful effects it makes you feel
down when the other person makes zero effort to sort their health out.
Overall, he sounds like a man-child, listening to his comedy podcasts in his house share. He has no reason to change because he can’t be bothered.
Also - not attractive at all.
I know it’s tough, I know you love him, but if it were me what happened last night would end it.

I am too bloody accommodating, I’m the archetypal people pleaser and it’s the bane of my life .
i grew up with dysfunction and making allowances for people is my default setting.
I’m glad I posted here for these opinions because I don’t see a lot of this stuff clearly when I’m in the situation

Tell him he gets treatment for his sleep apnoea or the relationship is over, and mean it.

OP, once you stop people pleasing you’ll realise that life is so much more straight forward because you won’t have to deal with the fallout that comes with pleasing others.

I have been a people pleaser. Only in the last year have I learned the power of the word “No”

“ sorry I’m not doing this anymore” And don’t be swayed. No negotiating.

Me and my husband have slept in separate rooms for almost 3 years now for this very reason. His bedroom is on the floor below mine and I can still hear him a little but not in a way that prevents me from sleeping.

His snoring is horrendous.

He hates that we have separate bedrooms but he also won’t go to the GP, so it is what it is.

Wow. Empathy isn't your forte is it?

Op I have lived with a snorer and it affects everything. He definitely sounds like he has sleep apnea which does not have good health outcomes so firstly he needs to.go back to his GP and insist on a referral. I agree, until this is sorted, living together is sadly not an option. You laying this on the line may give him the incentive to actually take action on this

THIS
Yep another previous people-pleaser here too. Over the last year I have made a decision that I am done.
Discovering the word NO and meaning it it a truly life-changing thing.
If something doesn't work for you, then nope, you're not doing it anymore.
I'm trying to drum this into my daughter too and seeing her tolerate any form of disrespect breaks my heart.
Put yourself first op.
(And yes he does sound like a complete man-child).

Thanks, i understand it was a ridiculous scenario but i was fucked, knackered, fuming and desperate .
I have said before that we have no future if we can’t sleep in the same house together especially with the kids.
today he’s said ‘I told you I’ll see a different doctor, I’m not fobbing you off’
but he’s said loads of times he will address it then forgets to use the app, doesn’t make the appointment etc and I am definitely feeling fobbed off.
theres been other issues that he’s worked on or I’ve compromised on and it feels like he’s got great capacity to change and improve things but only when he’s ready or believes that it’s beneficial to make the changes.
i don’t know how to progress this now, I am like a broken record.
he wants to see me today and pick up where we left off with this mornings plans but I’m just so shattered and feel past sleeping and it feels too late to sleep now so anything I attempt today feels like it will be a shoddy effort and I’m just going round in circles.
i am using this forum to process all this, my autistic brain has nowhere else to go to make sense of it

The doctor said unless it’s disturbing my partner eg the conversation was something like :
scene: gp surgery
doctor and patient (my partner)

my partner: ‘my girlfriend says I snore really loudly’
gp: ‘does it bother you?’
my partner: ‘no, I sleep like a happy baby’
gp: ‘if it’s not disturbing you it’s not an issue’
my partner: ‘it’s not disturbing me’
gp: ‘no further action required’
my partner: ‘ok , thanks, bye’
gp: ‘bye’

this is my artistic interpretation of said conversation

Doesn't matter if he wants to see you today, be honest and that you are too tired. It's the truth and if he doesn't like it, then tough.

Use this time to really think if you really want to be in a relationship with a man that has to be constantly asked/nagged/whatever to address something that is impacting your health. Would you do this to him? I highly doubt it, so why does he think he can knowingly impact your health. He doesn't respect you enough I'm sorry.
Take care of YOU.

Ah I see. Picked up on it wrong.

However, at that point, he could easily have said “ No it’s not disturbing me but it’s a major issue for my partner “

But it didn’t even occur to him to consider you.

You need to start putting yourself first. People pleasing puts others first at your own expense.

And maybe tell him you’re not the best company today due to lack of sleep. Stay in, chill, put you feet up, doze off if you feel like it.

Don't see him just because he wants to see you.
He won't like it but so what ?

You don’t like his snoring but what does he do about it ?

This is his doing.

Op, you said 'i don’t know how to progress this now, I am like a broken record.'

You don't have to progress anything. You can stop, take some time out to think about what you want from a relationship.
I think realistically you have done all you can and are wasting your time but I appreciate it is upsetting to realise and come to terms with it.

Why not just going into a spare bedroom? I've done it for years I will continue to do so.

There is no spare room at his house and only a ‘spare’ room at mine if I sleep in one of the kids’ beds.
i have a speciality medical bed due to my disability so he sleeps in a separate bed in my room anyway but even that small distance isn’t enough.
and don’t feel it’s appropriate for him to sleep in my kids’ rooms when they’re with their dad so the sofa is the only option and is not conducive to long term living plans.