Partner snoring Sleep deprivation help!

[Sleeptorture]

This is probably a rant but I need to offload and share before I can think about going back to sleep.
My partner snores.
it is extremely loud to the point where he can’t stay at mine when the kids are home because it keeps them awake.
when it’s just us I often ask him to sleep downstairs.
i really struggle with insomnia and once I’m woken up it’s really hard to get back to sleep, especially because I’m subconsciously on tenterhooks awaiting the next big sound.
he also does weird chokes sounds and stops breathing.
this is most nights but there’s occasionally quieter ones.
his dad has a history of heart attacks and I’ve read that sleep apnoea can exacerbate risk.

i feel really stressed and upset when I can’t sleep, I also have several coexisting health conditions, physical and neurological.
he is often tired but he is not bothered by his own snoring.

he once mentioned it to his gp but the gp said if my partner isnt bothered by it then he doesn’t need referral to sleep clinic.

i asked him to download a snoring app which he has used once.
It recorded disturbed sleep and really high decibels (I can’t remember the number but it registered as very loud).
he sleeps like the dead and is always out like a light.

i use earplugs, white noise, podcasts, various sleeping tablets etc, to try and cancel out the noise , sometimes all at once but he also physically rumbles at times and is quite lively in his sleep and finds my various sounds annoying.
i don’t feel there’s anymore compromise I can make.

this means our nights together are infrequent which I find hard and struggle to see how we can progress our relationship if we can’t sleep together most nights.

i rarely stay at his house as he has housemates and it’s not so relaxing or private but i stayed tonight for a change of scene for me, constant hosting is also a ballache.

he was ready to sleep early and he fell asleep straight into snoring and I struggled to fall asleep until about 1 or 2am, partly because of the noise but every time I dropped off I’d be woken up by another big snore or choke, I laid there for ages trying to get back off but by 230 I was wide awake and on the verge of tears.

i didn’t want to sleep on the sofa as I knew one housemate was at party and I had no idea when he might roll in and whether he’d go straight to the lounge and I had no idea what the other one’s plans were so felt if I slept on the sofa I’d still be on eggshells expecting to get woken up.

I couldn’t get a taxi as none available due to clubs kicking out time and had to wake him for his house keys so I could get out and lock up again.

he didn’t wake properly but offered to drive me home, he looked completely out of it and I thought it would be a hassle for him to drive , plus unfair and probably unsafe, plus it was my decision to leave.

I was so desperate to get out and come home to bed so I said I’ll walk into town and get a taxi there, he sort of insisted but at the same time was half asleep and laid back down put his headphones back on and was asleep before I even left his bedroom.

i walked into town feeling quite nervous and a bit stupid and nervous in case something sinister happened but I got to the taxi rank and got home in one piece.
obviously he is fast asleep so hasn’t checked i got home ok which has pissed me off a bit because I feel he could have at least done that if he wasn’t physically up to the task of driving, despite offering .
I feel upset that he’s asleep with no knowledge of whether I am home safe and I’m aware that might sound diva-ish but it’s how I feel after half an hour sleep and having been up since 530 the day before

Ive just got home now and am quite upset, I think because I have said so many times in so many ways how this snoring is affecting me, the kids don’t like it and I am genuinely worried about his health.

i have medical ptsd because of my own experiences and things that were overlooked etc.

so i don’t know how to progress.
i
don’t see how we can ever live together in future (we’ve been together nearly two years)
he says it never bothered his wife because he mainly worked night shifts when they were together for over twenty years

He has talked about buying a cpap online but they’re prescription only as far as I know, he doesn’t remember to use the snoring app and also uses his phone to listen to headphones through the night so the snore app doesn’t work alongside it (I think he said)

theres only so many times i can ask him to get referral to sleep clinic or to even monitor his snoring.

i have several (women) friends who use cpap and really rate it , I don’t know for sure he has sleep apnoea but everything I’ve seen and heard from him and what I’ve read all matches up.
he also has hiatus hernia so not sure if that’s affecting his sleep and breathing .

hes clearly not bothered and I feel like we’re at an impasse.
I love him and want to be together but I’m fed up with this and it’s making me feel sad. And stressed and it’s definitely affecting my health and my mental and emotional wellbeing

Honestly I’d just get rid. He knows he has an issue that really negatively impacts you and he can’t be arsed to do anything about it. If it wasn’t snoring it would be something else.

This is very true. He does take stuff on board and make changes but for some reason this is a real sticking point for him.
it feels incredibly selfish given my existing health conditions .
i can only assume it’s because he doesn’t get disturbed at night , I don’t know
his libido is decreased which we attributed to anti depressants , he has been on them for years and occasionally has break mainly because of libido and flat effect but then his mood dips so he goes back on them and libido drops but it’s much lower than I’ve ever known it at the moment and on top of everything else his rejection of me sexually is hurting me, probably partly because of the lost intimacy from both sleeping separately

Is he a healthy weight? My friend recently lost 3 stone and his previous horrendous snoring has completely stopped.

He was bigger but only really beer belly. He stopped drinking a year ago and seemed generally healthier, the snoring briefly improved but the snoring has increased again the last six months or so
hes definitely put on recently around the tummy (not judging, it doesn’t bother me, hes a very attractive man)
he is strong, fit and muscular everywhere else

I’ve just woken up again, I am so gutted about the wasted day, last night feels surreal now I’ve had some sleep. I am absolutely exhausted though, starving and have no inclination to move. This definitely can’t continue.

With your update about his depression and lack of libido, he’s not a realistic candidate for a long term partner. It’s very difficult living with someone with ongoing depression and not something I would knowingly choose to do.

You could stay friends and look for someone more suitable.

Record his snoring, especially the gasping and stopping breathing. Play it back to him the next day but don’t tell him what it is. See if he recognises it as snoring. He’ll probably comment about how awful it is. That’s when you tell him that it’s his snoring.

I did that to my DH. He didn’t understand why I was so frustrated with his snoring and he’d wake to find me really angry and upset. His fucking snoring would wake me multiple times each night. After he heard the recording he got a referral. The contradiction of him telling me that I needed to get my snoring checked and that I was stopping breathing, and I believed him, but when it was him he needed to hear a recording of himself to believe it. Me being upset, angry and extra tired every night for months and months wasn’t enough.

I have severe sleep apnoea and stop breathing about 35 times per hour without a CPAP machine. I snore badly too without it. So much better with the machine and I no longer wake with a headache or have to pee multiple times each night. DH also has sleep apnoea and his snoring measured at some ridiculous number of decibels and he snored at that volume for about 85% of the sleep study night. It was unsurprising that I had murderous thoughts towards him. He also has a CPAP. He snores less with it. He’s very obese so he needs to lose weight. His neck circumference is very large.

@Sleeptorture The GP your DP saw was a dickhead. Sleep apnoea is so dangerous and bad for health. It can kill. It shouldn’t have to be reaching the stage of it having to bother him before a referral. With your DP’s job being driving he really does need to get it sorted before he kills someone or himself when he falls asleep at the wheel. I bet he has multiple microsleeps when he drives. Don’t stay at his place again until he’s got a CPAP and he’s using it every night. No need to put yourself through that misery.

Thank you for sharing all of this, interesting you both have it!
yes his decibels was something around 80 the one time he did the recording, it even said it was high on the app. He often says he has a headache and unless he’s active he’s very quick to start nodding off.
Ive always attributed it to his long working hours and early starts but after having read up so much I think he’s just not getting quality sleep despite being out like a light and sleeping like the dead.
i also suffer with non restorative sleep due to my many conditions and am such a light sleeper since pregnancy related illness and I feel like this issue on top of my health conditions is driving me to the brink of a breakdown.

His gp has been dismissive about many things and I think my partner just accepts it and then leaves it, is not tenacious enough and the passivity is frustrating but I can’t just keep on telling him what to do

I haven't read all responses, so sorry if this has been said already but it sounds like sleep apnoea. My friend's daughter had this and had her adenoids removed which immediately solved the issue but obviously his won't be there so it is likely fat in the neck. Is he overweight? If so the free and obvious resolution could be simply to lose weight. If you have funds to go privately they may be able to do something faster if you see an ENT consultant.

Try him with some new pillows. I recently bought some firm pillows for side sleeping, not expensive just the SilentNight ones, about £25. They are really plump so my head is raised and it felt weird at first but my DH reports my snoring has stopped completely.

I'm sorry, but why the hell should op be the one to try and solve the problem when she's spoken to him numerous times and he simply can't be bothered?

He's a grown-ass man and op isn't his mother.

It absolutely boils my piss when women are expected to solve men's problems when they themselves couldn't care less.

Hear hear. I don’t have loads of spare money (or rooms) and I have already spent out on this issue as well as all my time which has been lost due to it and my reduced productivity both at home and at work and the time taken to make up time by sleeping it off .
it always seems worse when I see it in black and white

Tell him to go to GP or it’s over.

And until he stops snoring you won’t be sleeping in the same house anymore.

have dinner, have fun, go out, have sex and go home and sleep and rest and look after yourself.

The fact he falls asleep so early quickly and deeply says to me he is not sleeping well at all.

He needs to return to the GP, insist on a referral, and not take no for an answer.

If he won't do this you need to tell him your relationship is doomed, and end it.

Fgs, give him his Christmas present early and tell him it's over.

You know about the sunk costs fallacy. Now give your head a wobble.

You don't need this in your life.

Your children need a mother who isn't exhausted and whose existing health conditions are exacerbated by this noisy, lump inflicting himself on you all. And they need their sleep too.

Are you sure he even went to the doctor when he said he did?

Don’t let him stay over anymore. Send him home at the end of the night. He probably hasn’t taken you seriously because you allow him to keep staying.

Yes I feel this too, he’s sleeping but it’s poor quality sleep. he says the falling asleep al the time is cos he works hard
his housemates never hear him snore which makes me feel like it’s just me with the issue but then I remind myself that my kids have also said it, and I haven’t prompted this.
his house is much older than mine and solid whereas mine is a flimsy new build so I wonder if that’s why it’s not a problem for him at home

I’m pretty sure he did, every time he goes to the doctor with anything he is given short-shrift, he even says his doctor is useless and the appointments are a waste of time, he has again sworn today he is going to seek an appointment with a different doctor.
then I start getting imposter syndrome and think what if it is just me and the assessment doesn’t pick up anything untoward and then where does that leave us?

Are you quite sure that he’s actually ever mentioned his snoring to a doctor? I would break up with him because he’s shown that he doesn’t care about the fact that he’s depriving you of sleep.

he even says his doctor is useless and the appointments are a waste of time

Rubbish. He can’t be that useless because he keeps seeing him. This is a man who can’t even be arsed to press a button on his phone to use the sleep app. I don’t believe his gp had that stupid conversation with him about his snoring and if he did, it shows how flippant your partner was about the issue.

my partner: ‘my girlfriend says I snore really loudly’
gp: ‘does it bother you?’
my partner: ‘no, I sleep like a happy baby’

Believe him when he says it doesn’t bother him. Stop letting him stay over and see if it starts bothering him then.

I made up the gp conversation for my own amusement to clarify to another poster the gist of the conversation relayed to me by my partner , which is that the gp said if it’s not bothering my partner then it’s not a problem,
the tone and happy baby bit was my (sleep deprived sarcastic slightly ragey) idea of a joke.

I don’t think he’s lying about his gp because i have multiple interwoven chronic conditions and a lifetime of being disbelieved, fobbed off, misunderstood, laughed at, treated like I have munchausens or hypochondria and have had numerous battles with NHS on behalf of me and the kids until I can get the right person with the right knowledge to listen and support and hopefully act.
it’s exhausting and I can see why people acquiesce and give up at the first ‘no’ or rebuff, especially men who are traditionally less likely to ask for help.
I have been more tenacious than many because of how my conditions and quality of life affect my kids and the fact that they’re all genetic so I fight for answers , and the diagnosis doesn’t always bring treatment but that’s an aside.

It's a dealbreaker for me. My EX snored like a pig. It was heaven when we split up.

At the end of the day it's up to you op.

You can choose to stay in a relationship that is damaging your health and self esteem and where you are basically mothering him into being a grown -up,
or you can choose to walk away and put the health and wellbeing of you and your kids first.
But be under no illusions if you stay with this guy - this is the best it's ever going to be.

I know you made up the gp conversation, but that’s the gist of it isn’t it. He told the gp it’s not a problem, isn’t affecting him and didn’t ask for any investigations or referrals. That doesn’t translate into the gp being crap. The gp probably wondered why he had wasted an appointment with his non problem that doesn’t affect him.

If he genuinely wanted treatment he would have took a recording of himself snoring and asked for a referral. It sounds like he only went to shut you up, yet is more than happy to come and stay and disturb your sleep. Do you cook for him when he stays? I would knock all that on the head. You’re not even getting a decent shag out of it either.