Anxious about 2nd date...

[livingthedream303]

Having had no luck on the dating apps for some time (why are so many men aged 40+ still not sure what they are looking for/only wanting non-monogamy/bitter etc?) I had a great date last weekend - we spent 7 hours drinking and chatting and we did have sex. I got home in the early hours of the morning.

We are going for our second date tomorrow, he has said that he may have to work on Saturday but has suggested going for drinks again. I am anxious at the moment for many reasons and so now I am anxious about this - I am not sure if this means he's not that into me? My last two boyfriends wanted to see me asap after the first date and took me to dinner on the second whereas this guy only wants to do drinks and will have to leave early because of work.

I think I am probably being unreasonable but I can't really tell...any words of advice???

@Brinckly currently I am very anxious in all areas in my life so it is spilling over into this.

@Opentooffers I never used to be like this! Used to be able to have casual sex with no problem but that was when I had many dating prospects. As I've got older the quality of men in the dating pool has dwindled so now I've found one that I like I want it to go well.

He has messaged now. I generally leave it a couple of hours before replying if I'm not at work in which case I wouldn't reply til the evening - is that cool and independent enough? I'm so out of touch with dating that I don't know what the norm is.

No, it is called playing games. If you saw the text just reply to it. People are nowadays on their phones all the time. It is very transparent when replies get intentionally delayed and it is turn off.

@PoliteEagle thank you, that is how I prefer to be personally but some women advise to not be too available.

Independence and not neediness comes from inside. Has nothing to do how fast you reply. As long as you keep calculating replies time and be worried about not coming too available, you are not being cool and independent. Agree with other posters, who said you may not be ready to date if you are that anxious after couple of dates. If it is fear of being pumped and dumped, which makes you anxious, better wait longer till man develops emotional connection to you. Currently he is playing to cool (and that's highly likely because how he feels) and you should too. Merry Christmas

@PoliteEagle thank you, Merry Christmas to you too. I have little else in my life at the moment and the dating apps are so dire that I am anxious for this to go well. I wish I could feel cool like him but it's slim pickings out there and I am 34 so not getting any younger

Seriously you need to chill out a bit. What will be will be. Please get some help for your anxiety, see your doctor. Try to have a nice relaxed day

34 is still young. But them main issue now is that your life empty. You look at the man to fill it. That creates insecurity and neediness and all the feelings you have now.
I would recommend to fill your life as much as possible, so that a man would be a nice addition to that not the center of your universe. He would have to deserve this place.
What do you do for work? How about do some self learning in your area? Could be online trainings, conferences, maybe aim at promotion at work.
Do you have any hobbies? What interest you, why not trying some? Could be board games meet ups, climbing gyms, hiking groups, whatever interests you and what you can afford. Also you can meet there men and also make friends.
Do you have friends? How about making some via shared interests? Similar to the above join a club, such a book club or anything else than interest you. Also maybe facebook groups where ladies organise meet ups and see if you click wiht someone?
If you have time and finances invest in yourself. If you wanted to loose some pounds for ages, now it is time. Hit the gym, or go for a running, revise your diet. Now Christmas sales time, if you wanted to change your style and have finances it could be the time.

The main takeaway here is the more you worry about your age and your life being empty, the more you are circling in this negativity and more desperate you become. Men can sniff desperation. I suspect this guy sniffed it as well, and hence playing it very cool. But he can warm up later or it will fizzle out

@PoliteEagle thank you. I am actually doing a fast track degree as part of my career at the moment. I do have friends but they are all settled down - I am the only single one. I have found a couple of groups to join in the new year. I think Christmas just highlights my loneliness and as we come to the end of this year I look ahead to the new one and fear still being on my own whilst everyone else has moved on and is having children - something I desperately want. I haven't messaged the guy today as I'm aware it could come across as desperate, I'll just wait to see if I hear from him. Thank you for taking the time out of your Christmas Day to advise me.

Definitely don’t keep him waiting 2 hours for a reply! Poor sod.

@KitsyWitsy it's not deliberate, it just happens to be how long it has taken me recently - since reading this thread i wondered if it could come across as too keen, that's all

You said you leave it a couple of hours before responding. That’s not being busy with other stuff before you see the messages. It reads like you purposefully leave it 2 hours. And I get it. You don’t want to be too needy but it’s weird to never reply quickly at least sometimes.

I'd rather have a man who doesn't sext, frankly. It's so juvenile. I also like the focus on work/time management.

Maybe you have found the unicorn: a responsible adult man who is not a sex pest, unemployable loser, cocklodger or entitled oaf who expects you to travel to him.

Seriously? With all kindness, please raise your standards.

I hope you are looking at him as a human being and not a means to an end.

You are possibly overthinking (I do this too). I’ve been using dating apps on and off since I was your age, I’m now 43. From experience if you have sex on a first date things don’t tend to work out but hey you might be lucky. I always find dating really stressful, sometimes dating more than one person at a time helps 😬, don’t put all your eggs in one basket because 99% of the time it doesn’t work out. Try not to over think, what will be will be and if it doesn’t work out you keep looking (or give up looking and enjoy single life).

Also you are writing about men 40+ and you are only 34. I would look at the age range 30-40 or so. Older doesn't mean more mature. There are still may be good guys available in their early 30ies who are not yet snapped up. Mid 30 upwards it becomes more challenging.

@Lovemusic82 it's hard to find more than one person to date at a time because the quality of men on the apps is so poor! I do agree that if I had more than one person to date I would be less invested in this guy. Sorry to hear things haven't worked out for you either.

@PoliteEagle thanks, my age range is 32-40 but I don't seem to match with younger guys

Do you know much about attachment styles?
What I have read is screaming anxious attachment- I would advise doing some work on that before dating because this level of intensity can’t be nice for anyone involved.

@SnugCoralFinch yes, believe it or not I used to be even more anxious than this! In the past I would have messaged him today even though it was his turn to message me. He has messaged now but I do agree that my anxiety is out of control. I think my age, the poor quality of the men on dating apps, and the fact that I am the only single person I know (in my friendship groups, at work etc) are all contributing factors to my current anxiety whereas before I had an anxious attachment style due to my childhood experiences. Any tips on overcoming this???

I mean this kindly but maybe you need to work on yourself, with professional counseling, before dating.

Expecting another person, especially a stranger, to fill so many needs and assuage so many emotional issues is just a recipe for disaster.

A partner is a nice accoutrement to life; finding and snaring one is a very sad primary goal for one's one and only life here on Earth.

That's a lot of pressure to put on another human being. And a lot of power to give them.

What are your other goals and accomplishments?

You’re aware of it so that is a massive step in the direction. There isn’t a magic wand, but I would look at self -help material online and also therapy if that’s a possibility.

Calm down, you are way over thinking this short relationship, if it’s going to develop into a loving partnership he will stay around , his natural instinct will know if you are the one he wants to spend his life with, let it happen slowly, at the moment it sounds like you have a FWB ,you can’t change how your first date went, but you can slow things down on future dates to test his interest in you.
Has he removed himself from the dating site you found him on, that would be something he should do if he is serious about you, you certainly sound positive about him.

@livingthedream303 I'd say it's a good sign that he's saying drinks and not likely to have sex because he probably wants to show that he's not just looking for sex. At least then you can see if you get on well out of bed.

@livingthedream303 you are in danger of ignoring red flags through rose coloured glasses in the future as you are so desperate for things to work out with this guy. You are pinning every hope of the future on him.
For now he’s given you great signs but have you thought maybe five dates in either you don’t really want to take things further or vice versa.
Get some single friends and out of this mind set. You are not over the hill at 34! I think this time of year really makes single people / people that have small or no families feel very alone.
look at the positives, he’s quite readily available to meet, you’ve had sex so you know there are no issues in that dept either. Treat your dates as exactly that. Or he is going to get scared!

@BettyBardMacDonald I have been very academically successful, I own my own house and I am currently doing a competitive fast track degree programme; over the last year I have also done some humanitarian work in my spare time. But a lot of that feels empty if I have no one to share it with. Yes I can tell my friends but they don't share with me in the same way because they have partners for that stuff so it feels one sided.

@Flatbellyfella he hasn't removed himself but I haven't removed myself either - I probably wouldn't do so until we'd agreed to be exclusive, we have only met twice after all.