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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anxious about 2nd date...

84 replies

livingthedream303 · 19/12/2024 21:39

Having had no luck on the dating apps for some time (why are so many men aged 40+ still not sure what they are looking for/only wanting non-monogamy/bitter etc?) I had a great date last weekend - we spent 7 hours drinking and chatting and we did have sex. I got home in the early hours of the morning.

We are going for our second date tomorrow, he has said that he may have to work on Saturday but has suggested going for drinks again. I am anxious at the moment for many reasons and so now I am anxious about this - I am not sure if this means he's not that into me? My last two boyfriends wanted to see me asap after the first date and took me to dinner on the second whereas this guy only wants to do drinks and will have to leave early because of work.

I think I am probably being unreasonable but I can't really tell...any words of advice???

OP posts:
gannett · 20/12/2024 07:37

I am anxious at the moment for many reasons and so now I am anxious about this - I am not sure if this means he's not that into me? My last two boyfriends wanted to see me asap after the first date and took me to dinner on the second whereas this guy only wants to do drinks and will have to leave early because of work.

I would suggest taking what people say at face value and not overthinking, second-guessing or speculating about what it really means.

If someone wants to see you again, then they are into you.

If someone has to work, they have to work and have an early night.

It's odd to use that to compare him to two other men, who presumably didn't have to work the morning after the second date, and who didn't last anyway.

Focus less on whether he's really into you and more on whether you're really into him. Stop centreing what you think he wants and be guided by what you want.

Original poster
livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 01:48

Thank you everyone! We chatted for 4 hours this time. I still like him, not 100 per cent sure we are aligned on values - we are from very different walks of life but he is interesting to talk to. We ended up having food at the bar and he paid and he also thanked me for a nice evening (maybe just being polite?). Wouldn't mind seeing him again but I suggested the second date so maybe I should wait for him to suggest a third? Not sure what the etiquette is!

OP posts:
Original poster
livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 01:49

Also we spoke about past relationships and he has been single for four years and said he has got pickier as he has got older...is this a red flag?

OP posts:
Original poster
livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 01:56

And he's 37 and some of his friends are also single...eternal batchelors? Or am I overthinking?

OP posts:
BlueSky2023 · 21/12/2024 02:07

livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 01:56

And he's 37 and some of his friends are also single...eternal batchelors? Or am I overthinking?

You are overthinking about the age thing, I would definitely wait for him to contact you and also to suggest a 3rd date, as you said, you suggested the 2nd

was their chemistry on the date, did ye kiss

gannett · 21/12/2024 06:14

Yes, taking it in turns to suggest the next date is the most normal date etiquette.

Being picky is a green flag! An indiscriminate "anyone will do" approach to relationships is the red flag - people who just want to be in any relationship because of what it means for their social status or self-esteem, rather than wanting to be with you specifically. Being picky means that he's actually considering the important things like compatibility and who you are as an individual. You should be picky too!

Being single at 37 (or having friends who are) isn't a red flag either, I don't really know where you're coming from on that.

OneLemonGuide · 21/12/2024 06:44

livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 01:56

And he's 37 and some of his friends are also single...eternal batchelors? Or am I overthinking?

You seem prone to driving yourself mad with over-thinking. This isn’t healthy or productive.

And you seem determined to interpret green flags as red ones!… Being picky is definitely not a red flag, neither is being single for a few years. Seriously, do you think it would be better if he dated anything that moved and was on the rebound from a previous relationship?

OneLemonGuide · 21/12/2024 06:47

And you risk these anxious over-thinking tendencies coming through in your interactions with him. If he’s got any emotional intelligence, he’ll pick up on these vibes and, believe me, they’re not attractive vibes.

Original poster
livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 10:06

Thanks everyone, I feel more reassured now. Better to let my anxieties out here than to let him know about them!

@BlueSky2023 yes so much chemistry and lots of kissing so I'm taking that as a good sign!

OP posts:
Original poster
livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 10:06

@OneLemonGuide no but I suppose I wonder if he might be a commitment phobe?

OP posts:
BlueSky2023 · 21/12/2024 10:37

livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 10:06

Thanks everyone, I feel more reassured now. Better to let my anxieties out here than to let him know about them!

@BlueSky2023 yes so much chemistry and lots of kissing so I'm taking that as a good sign!

lots of chemistry and kissing without the sex is a good sign I think
Don't get obsessed with him yet though, it’s still early days and being too keen might be a turn off

Original poster
livingthedream303 · 21/12/2024 10:56

@BlueSky2023 yes I'm not going to contact him and I'll wait and see what happens

OP posts:
Original poster
livingthedream303 · 23/12/2024 20:23

Ok I'm back! We're still messaging, he's been voicenoting me and we've had interesting conversations. I suggested the second date and today asked if he'd like to meet up over the Xmas period if he's free. He said yes and has asked when is good for me - should I be worried that I'm the one doing all the asking out or is this me overthinking again?

OP posts:
Heartofgold8019 · 23/12/2024 20:25

livingthedream303 · 23/12/2024 20:23

Ok I'm back! We're still messaging, he's been voicenoting me and we've had interesting conversations. I suggested the second date and today asked if he'd like to meet up over the Xmas period if he's free. He said yes and has asked when is good for me - should I be worried that I'm the one doing all the asking out or is this me overthinking again?

Question is what do you think his intentions are? Xx

Original poster
livingthedream303 · 23/12/2024 20:54

@Heartofgold8019 I don't know - we had the conversation that we're both looking for something long term but I guess it's hard to trust a stranger. My last bf told me he wanted a long term relationship but dumped me after 3 1/2 years when I pushed for more commitment so I think that's why I am more anxious - I just don't trust men anymore!

OP posts:
Heartofgold8019 · 23/12/2024 20:54

livingthedream303 · 23/12/2024 20:54

@Heartofgold8019 I don't know - we had the conversation that we're both looking for something long term but I guess it's hard to trust a stranger. My last bf told me he wanted a long term relationship but dumped me after 3 1/2 years when I pushed for more commitment so I think that's why I am more anxious - I just don't trust men anymore!

Is it ok to msg? X

Original poster
livingthedream303 · 23/12/2024 21:01

@Heartofgold8019 please do! Smile

OP posts:
Heartofgold8019 · 23/12/2024 21:02

livingthedream303 · 23/12/2024 21:01

@Heartofgold8019 please do! Smile

Sent xx

Original poster
livingthedream303 · 24/12/2024 19:30

He voice noted me earlier today which I replied to but I haven't heard from him since and that was at 5.15pm. He's listened to my voice note and been online but no response. I know it's Christmas Eve and I'm driving myself mad over this but maybe he's just not that into me. My life feels pretty empty - all my friends settled down and busy with their families - and I'm bored and lonely this evening so possibly overthinking. Or maybe not?

OP posts:
Deebee90 · 24/12/2024 20:36

It’s Christmas Eve leave him alone. He’s probably with his family or friends. You aren’t ready to be dating if you react like this.

TwistedWonder · 24/12/2024 20:38

Deebee90 · 24/12/2024 20:36

It’s Christmas Eve leave him alone. He’s probably with his family or friends. You aren’t ready to be dating if you react like this.

Agree with this. OP - You’re overthinking this to the point of ridiculous. You’re analysing every single tiny thing to the nth degree.

I agree I’m not sure you’re in the right headspace for a relationship if this is how much you overthink after 1/2 dates

Original poster
livingthedream303 · 24/12/2024 20:41

@TwistedWonder @Deebee90 thanks, I needed a bit of sense knocked into me. It's been a bad day and I've fallen out with my family and it's Christmas so everything feels so bleak. I think I'll turn my phone off so I can stop checking if he's messaged and just go to bed.

OP posts:
Brinckly · 24/12/2024 21:12

Do you always stress about things. Seems very intense.

Teacherprebaby · 24/12/2024 21:18

livingthedream303 · 19/12/2024 23:00

@Opentooffers I do want the other parts of a relationship too but I guess I don't know how men show they like you other than sex, esp in the early days?

That is a problem.

Opentooffers · 24/12/2024 21:30

You are way too insecure, so much wrong here. Sex reassures you ( it shouldn't), 2 hours of not texting you on Xmas eve leads you to think he's not interested!
Does having sex turn you into being over-invested and needy? If that's the case then you definitely should not be having sex early on, otherwise you will be needy from the start, which will turn any man off. You should be cool and independent from the start, as that is attractive. Only have sex first night if you can separate it as an enjoyable activity and nothing more. Clinginess makes people want to run.

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