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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong for not trusting my wife?

71 replies

Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:36

Hi all. So my wife went out on a night out with a couple of other women from work. I told her I would pick her up up when she was ready for home. About 2 am I texted her to see how she was doing and I would still pick her up. She said it was OK and I should go to bed. 1 picked her up at about 02:45 and she was acting odd/quiet.
I couldn't shake the feeling that something was up and a couple of days latter I looked at the pis on her phone from the night out. I know I shouldn't have. There were only 5, 3 of her and the girls and 2 of a man posing for her.
I asked who he was and she said there was no pics, she deleted them. She eventually admitted to them but they were a mistake and the girls must have moved out of frame.
She then told me that they had bumped in to a few guys from work and had a dance and a chat. He was one of those. Her friends stayed out until after 4am as would she if I hadn't picked her up.
Anyway I am now the one in the wrong for not trusting her.
I know it's a long post but if anyone has any experience or advice to share please do. Thanks.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 19/12/2024 17:38

You don’t trust her because you looked at her phone
why did you offer to collect her?
Maybe she doesn’t tell you stuff because you overreact?

Treacletreacle · 19/12/2024 17:39

Maybe she was acting odd or quite because she had wanted to stay out longer with her friends and even after saying she was ok for a lift you then came to pick her up. Perhaps she felt abit embarrassed towards how her friends that you picked her up after she had said no. How did it come about you picking her up did you text or call her to say you was outside?

Whataretalkingabout · 19/12/2024 17:42

You should trust your wife.
Why would you believe some random person on the net instead of the woman you married?

Original poster
Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:42

I picked her up because it was £60 for a taxi and I didn't have work the morning after. I looked at her phone because she was acting odd. We often share phones and we both know each other's passwords. I'm not some jealous boyfriend, we've been married, happily, for 17 years.

OP posts:
nellly · 19/12/2024 17:43

I mean it's possible she was flirting with him but I think if he unlikely to take a pic of someone I met and flirted with in a pub. Her story is most likely true but for some reason she felt she couldn't tell the truth...
How did it come about you turning up there?

AlbertCamusflage · 19/12/2024 17:43

It sounds like your jealousy has made your wife defensive about even the mildest interaction with men on her night out. The impression I get from your post is that she feels cornered into being vague and reticent, knowing that you will be ready to jump on anything and make it a cause for jealousy.

Obviously no one on MN can know the truth , since we only have fragmentary info, but just on the basis of what you have posted I would say leave her alone and leave her phone alone. The more you badger and mistrust her for perfectly normal behaviour the less able she will be to communicate with you. And that will be your fault not hers

Original poster
Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:44

She asked me to pick her up in a txt 10 mins after telling to go to bed.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 19/12/2024 17:45

Firstly you need to explain how you came to pick her up earlier than she wanted to be picked up. I get that 2:45am isn’t early in and of itself, but she told you not to worry and go to bed, but you didn’t? Was it impossible for her to get home via other means or to stay with a friend instead? Sounds like you both should have agreed a time - and stuck to it - before she even went out. Personally unless it’s an airport run or an emergency then my cut off for picking anyone up is 1am and I am very clear on that point. Were you just not clear with one another?

rubyslippers · 19/12/2024 17:47

Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:42

I picked her up because it was £60 for a taxi and I didn't have work the morning after. I looked at her phone because she was acting odd. We often share phones and we both know each other's passwords. I'm not some jealous boyfriend, we've been married, happily, for 17 years.

You’re behaving like a jealous boyfriend
communicate - don’t go through phones, try to catch her out etc

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2024 17:49

It's always interesting that if a woman had posted this, the response would have been so very very different.

Original poster
Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:49

I not a jealous person and we've been together over 20 years. I just found the 2 pics of a younger guy fron her office a bit odd. On the issue of picking her up, I never said said she had to come home, I asked how it was going and and told I would still pick her up.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 19/12/2024 17:50

She was out at a venue, presumably lots of people around. She could've taken pics with a bunch of randoms and it wouldn't mean anything. Do you think she had sexual relations with her male colleagues in the toilets of the party venue? Snogged a load of strangers on the dancefloor? You've no reason to suspect anything like that. If you don't trust her then it's not fair on either of you to continue the relationship. But from what you've said she just got drunk and partied. As many do, esp round Xmas.

MaltipooMama · 19/12/2024 17:52

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2024 17:49

It's always interesting that if a woman had posted this, the response would have been so very very different.

I was just musing about exactly that

Original poster
Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:54

When I did ask her about it she denied it. Then later told me about what had happened. I'm not asking for a solution, life has moved on but I've now got a suspicion about the guy from work. I just found the pics odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:56

A little more info on the pics, she only took five all night and two were of a you guy from work. There was no doubt they were of him only and he was definitely posing for the pic.

OP posts:
Collette78 · 19/12/2024 18:00

I don’t know why people are complaining about you picking her up … it’s a completely normal (and nice) thing to offer to pick your partner up from a night out. And tbh I don’t think I would necessarily be happy with my partner rolling in at 02.45 … unless you are still 20s / 30s.

It’s not great you looked at her phone … however your gut is telling you something and in my experience your gut is usually right.

Random pics of a dude on his own… a bit weird but may be harmless.

If you feel like something is off then absolutely communicate it.

Other posters are also right, if a woman had posted this about their husband they’d all be telling her he was taking the mickey, etc etc.

Itiswhysofew · 19/12/2024 18:01

Not surprised you're suspicious. Is she usually very friendly? Could be she's got a bit of a crush on the younger lad. No-one here can tell you, though. You'll have to have a chat and clear the air.

AlbertCamusflage · 19/12/2024 18:01

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2024 17:49

It's always interesting that if a woman had posted this, the response would have been so very very different.

Surely you can understand why that is? No one knows the rights and wrongs of this particular situation of course, but when you look at statistics and the news is it men's jealousy or women's that is more damaging and prevalent?

Wherearemymarbles · 19/12/2024 18:07

Op, every woman who has ever posted on mn on these kinds of topic have said the immortal line
’trust your gut’
I cannot think of any conceivable reason why I’d take a photo or two of a random woman or work colleague on a night out. Can you confirm he is a work colleague??
and if my wife found out she would absolutely ask who and why.

HoundsOfHelfire · 19/12/2024 18:09

So she was taking photos and took some of her friends and a couple of a chap from work. I can’t see the issue with this. The strange behaviour might be nothing or something. Maybe she was expecting you to jump to conclusions so feels defensive as she’s not done anything wrong

OhFredisFat · 19/12/2024 18:09

I think you need to let it go. There was a minor flirtation and she feels bad about it. She came home and nothing happened. End of story.

smithey85 · 19/12/2024 18:20

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2024 17:49

It's always interesting that if a woman had posted this, the response would have been so very very different.

Yes!!!!

it irritates me so bloody much.

‘jealous boyfriend not trusting his wife who did nothing wrong ‘

vs

‘ get rid of the fucking bastard. He’s disrespected you and blatantly had a BJ off her in the toilets!’

bot necessary to that extreme but you get my point!

Miyagi99 · 19/12/2024 18:20

She probably wanted to stay out longer, I always end up with pics of randoms after a night out, drunk people live photobombing your pics.

Miyagi99 · 19/12/2024 18:24

It would because I can’t imagine a woman waiting up until the early hours to collect their husbands, most would have gone to bed I’d imagine, I know I would have!

jannier · 19/12/2024 18:25

Fixerupper101 · 19/12/2024 17:42

I picked her up because it was £60 for a taxi and I didn't have work the morning after. I looked at her phone because she was acting odd. We often share phones and we both know each other's passwords. I'm not some jealous boyfriend, we've been married, happily, for 17 years.

But she told you she wasn't ready to come home and was fine you managed to leave home and collect her 45 minutes later like some dad collecting his errant daughter