Am I wrong for not trusting my wife?

[Fixerupper101]

Hi all. So my wife went out on a night out with a couple of other women from work. I told her I would pick her up up when she was ready for home. About 2 am I texted her to see how she was doing and I would still pick her up. She said it was OK and I should go to bed. 1 picked her up at about 02:45 and she was acting odd/quiet.
I couldn't shake the feeling that something was up and a couple of days latter I looked at the pis on her phone from the night out. I know I shouldn't have. There were only 5, 3 of her and the girls and 2 of a man posing for her.
I asked who he was and she said there was no pics, she deleted them. She eventually admitted to them but they were a mistake and the girls must have moved out of frame.
She then told me that they had bumped in to a few guys from work and had a dance and a chat. He was one of those. Her friends stayed out until after 4am as would she if I hadn't picked her up.
Anyway I am now the one in the wrong for not trusting her.
I know it's a long post but if anyone has any experience or advice to share please do. Thanks.

I’m a women and I know had a women posted this the responses would be totally different excusing the man of all sorts

Agree! With me it would have been: “Darling up until 1am I will come and get you and will text/call just before I need to leave to see if your plans have changed.” After that get a taxi or stay with a mate! Adult choices!

If you was the wife posting about her husband on a night out lying about photos and deleting them you would be told to trust your instincts, that’s what they are there for, so…….trust your instincts.

Also, if the OP hadn’t have picked her up, and something happened to her, he would get absolutely battered on here for putting his priorities first and not caring about her.

OP, you didn’t the right thing by picking her up, ignore those that say otherwise. Looking at her phone….i’m not so sure!

You shouldn't have gone to pick her up after she told she was fine. How mortifying.

I suspect he flirted and danced with her but nothing more. I don't know how old your wife is but attention from a younger, attractive man is quite the ego boost. She's allowed to enjoy it as long as nothing happens between them.

No one is saying he shouldn’t have picked her up - you’re going back too far in the post before he drip fed about her text message! Some of us asked about what was arranged beforehand - which is what people normally do - make plans!

People who check other people’s phones have already lost the trust haven’t they? Hand on heart I have never checked a partner’s phone; ever.

Do people think that their spouse never fancies anyone else?

I'm not married so I don't know if that's the expectation within a marriage.

Look at the post directly above yours……a lot of people have said that, even after he said she text him!!

and I agree with the phone bit!

I’m not sure we get stats on ‘jealousy’ in the news? We get reports of, mainly men, doing bad things to women. It doesn’t mean men are more jealous, nor does it mean this man’s concerned should be dismissed because he’s a man.

edit because I meant to quote @AlbertCamusflage

Yeah but as you know posting on this forum
we all type and press send at different times - in the time it took me to post my original post he’d updated twice already! Not that I was daft or hadn’t read all of the thread up to that point, it’s just cross-posting and whenever your message gets in the thread queue for uploading! Although I will agree that lots of (daft) people only bother reading the first post before casting their ‘pearls’ of wisdom!!

Yeah, I firmly feel that way about phone checking.

The usual MN double standards on show. Because it’s a woman out on the lash, male OP is controlling/paranoid/possessive/you name it. If OP was a woman, the DH would be in the wrong.

It is a little odd and I would feel the same if I were you

Thanks for all the opinions and advice on this, my wife is a good looking woman and I expect she gets plenty of attention on a night out. I've no issue with her enjoying herself on a night out. It's the pictures that threw me, they weren't photo bombs or silly pics etc they are pictures that you would take of your partner to keep.
She said she understands I'm not happy about them and if I had pics of a young attractive woman I work with she would feel the same.
It is what it is and we'll move on. I was more questioning if my questioning the whole situation was normal/usual for other men/husbands.

Even if she had a bit of a flirt that's okay in my book. I can't do it for toffee, but I've seen colleagues do it.

My husband was a flirt in his time. But would tell me that he'd been chatted up.

I can only speak from my perspective, but if I was going to cheat on my husband on a work night out, I wouldn't be taking photos of the guy. I suspect she denied it/deleted the photos because she knew you "wouldn't be happy about it".

I don't think this is weird.
I'm with my hubby 18 years and I do this.
For the record, I've never cheated, ever!

Tbh if you genuinely feel you have been happily married for 17 years it seems a bit odd and controlling to suddenly be intensely scrutinizing a single night out without any additional reason to think your wife is cheating on you.

Having a photo of a colleague on your phone isn’t a red flag in itself, I have loads of photos of colleagues, including from nights out.

I've had male partners who couldn't stand anyone looking in my direction let alone if I took a couple of photos of a man on a phone. TBF to you their reaction was rather more extreme and they were ditched swiftly

What I would ask from you though is if something has happened recently or you got a feeling or your drifting a little apart? These feelings often don;t sddenly arise from nowhere unless you are one of my madder exes!

I'd suspect maybe he got a bit handy and she was uncomfortable about it. Hense the silence in the car. Either that or she was pissed you went to meet her when she said not to bother.

If there's been something mutual going on I would have expected her to be giddy and maybe a bit sheepish. Not silent and distant.

I think it was wrong to snoop in her phone, and you've created a drama out of nothing. Let it go. You're happily married.

No it's not normal for partners to check each other's phones without permission.

You collected her when asked as she changed her mind about you going to bed.

I think you should trust your gut, you don't sound like a partner who looks for trouble to me...

But I wouldn't keep probing on this as it's a dead end conversation, she can't say any more than she has. Instead I would just consider if your relationship is in a good place. Are you (you as a couple, not just you op) watering the grass metaphorically. Taking care of each other, appreciating each other and keeping the feeling alive?

Are you both feeling fulfilled in life not getting stagnant? Marriages can be vulnerable to damage from interest from a third party if one of the couple have unmet needs/feel a bit invisible etc

Midlife can be a tricky time emotionally and sometimes that takes awareness to navigate (we are all responsible for ourselves as well as the care we give our partners, so this is for you both), but midlife 'taking stock' can take you by surprise and sometimes people find themselves responding to that turmoil in a way that even surprises themselves... Some people don't experience any turmoil... But the realisation that your life options are likely not to change much / your looks are fading / that dream you had may never happen now etc is common, understandably enough, and it can do funny things and trying to relive a bit of youth is one of the common reactions.

So maybe just take this possibly something possibly nothing incident as a chance to check all is warm and healthy at home.

Some people will cheat because they don't have a faithful character, but if you've been married this long, that's not her, so any vulnerability to infidelity (if there was any) would more likely be from some deeper issue, but those are preventable with care and attention (mutual).

@Fixerupper101 chill your beans they were probably all having a good laugh.
If this was a woman posting id probably be a bit eeeew let him get on with it.
Don't know why the company hadn't booked a room for everyone as it does sound a bit of a distance. Unless it was a black cab of course and actually not far away. No expenses involved no?

I mean a cab from a work do £60 and you insisted on picking her up? How much was your petrol and how far away was it? How long did it take there and back?

You are paying the penis penalty here op.

If you didn't have one you'd be told trust your instincts, snoop on the phone and gets your ducks lined up.

Since you do you are being told you are being controlling....

In what ways was she "acting odd" and for days apparently, to justify you snooping on her phone?

The night itself seems very uneventful? Your wife went out with colleagues, you contacted her in the early hours, she responded, you offered a lift - after some consideration she accepted, you arrived and home you went. Is it that unusual for her to be sleepy and quiet at 3am? She must have felt tired&done as she called the night earlier than her friends.

And then we come straight to snooping, photos and her attempts to justify. 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.

My take: she went out with male and female friends from the office and didn't bump into guys later on. Why is she making out that it wasn't so? Me personally - I've only done that within relationships where jealousy and control have been an issue. To avoid that barely perceptible but menacing shift in demeanor that makes controlling relationships so very unpleasant.

In happy and secure relationships I share quite enthusiastically who I met, what we did, what was said.

Also, I would NEVER react well if interrogated about the results of snooping on my phone, particularly if being badgered for nothing. The more innocent, the more defensive, angry and questioning I would be about the intrusion.
If I was actually confronted with evidence of some nefarious deeds of mine, I would admit it there and then and the relationship would be over - as it should be. If it was just an attempt to control or an overreaction based on nothing, then the relationship would be over as well.

But she's still with you, so what do I know 🤷