He's not speaking to me

[Merrychristmastome1]

Quick back story; been with DP 9 years, he's lazy. When our DC was born he was hardly here. I'd do everything.

Sunday he made a comment about when our son was a baby (he was being rude). I said that he was hardly here anyway; appreciate this comes across as me being rude also.

Anyway, he said I should be grateful he's here more than his dad was around when he was a child. His dad was around and did a lot with him and siblings, he did however have a very good job but always home at weekends. I said to DP that he cannot compare himself to his dad; his dad wasn't home because he was working but he wasnt around because he wanted to stay elsewhere, go out drinking and cheat on me (this is all true). I maybe should have kept my mouth shut but he's extremely lazy and makes our I should be grateful for every little thing. He's nothing like his dad.

Anyway, 15 mins later he comes into the bedroom whilst I'm trying to sleep, shouting at me. He got his pillows and said he doesn't want to be a where near because I disgust him. He said I'm a horrible human being and a disgusting person. I should think before I speak. He just kept repeating how disgusting I am. I just said "ok" then tried to block out what he was saying.

Anyway, he hasn't spoken to me since Sunday night except to say last night that he was going to the pub. I feel physically ill, had stomach pains all day, headache and palpitations. The atmosphere is awful and Christmas is approaching. He's not someone I can communicate with. I'm not really sure why I'm posting except I feel sad and lonely.

Why are you still with him OP? He left you with young babies so he could go get drunk and cheat on you, honestly him not talking to you for 2 days is the least of your worries. Time to get your ducks in a row and leave.

First comment nails it.

He sounds absolutely awful. I hope you can build up the strength to leave him.
His behaviour will really impact your mental health. It must be awful for your children to live with him too.

Why did you stay with him? He sounds vile.

He treated you awfully. It’s no wonder your upset came out during a fight. He obviously can’t accept how badly he behaved.

You are with him and you know he is an arsehole.
Leave. That’s the best thing you can do for you and your child.

If he left I expect you wouldn’t miss him at all, emotionally or practically.

Given that you're so horrible and disgusting, what's he sticking around for? Time he was out. Do you rent or have a mortgage? Whose name/s is it in?

It's a cycle that happens. He used to threaten to leave unless I agreed to what he said and I would. I stopped doing that and he stopped threatening but he just manipulates. It's to scare/control me into being quiet. I think he can't cope with looking bad and me mentioning his cheating infuriates him. I feel sick, I'm too scared to go downstairs. I don't know what to do.

Do you have any support in real life? Someone you can go to stay with short term even?

Call Women’s Aid.

He's doing this because you called him out on his shitty behaviour. Abusers don't like being called out. Giving you the silent treatment is also a form of abuse.

Give yourself the greatest Christmas gift and divorce his lazy, cheating abusive arse

Agree to call women’s aid; actually, if you’re scared you can call the police and ask to get him to leave. He’s been abusing you for a long time, by the sounds of it. I’m sorry. But it won’t do you or your children any favours if you leave it ‘ because it’s Christmas’. you deserve much better 🥰

He doesn't like being challenged. He wants you to put up and shut up. I would stop challenging him because he's abusive and he's not going to change.

Instead Id grey rock him and work on getting out of the relationship. You can contact a domestic abuse organisation for support.

Honestly I hate victim blamers but FFS this shit has been going on for years. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way. There is no shock that a terrible man that has always treated you terribly is doing something terrible.
At some point you have to be responsible for your life as an adult. Especially as a parent.

That’s extremely cruel. People end up in abusive relationships all the time, who wouldn’t normally and who can see it in others. The abuser twists everything so that you can’t see yourself anymore, or believe in your self worth, until you truly believe you’re the one at fault. It’s only when the abused starts to wake up that they can see it and get themselves some help. You say you ‘hate victim blamers’. So don’t do it! 😡

I can actually see everything and can see what he's doing. I'm honestly just a shell of myself and don't know anything anymore.

If you can’t leave for yourself OP ask yourself why you’re letting your DC being bought up in an abusive household.

Your son is seeing this as his example of how it’s acceptable for a man to treat his partner. And the longer it goes on then the more chance of your son ending up like his father - really you need to do something sooner rather than later

It's over. OP. He does not get to speak to you like that. He wants out and you NEED to be out. Sorry. It has run its course and ended in a horrible, horrible way. You can't stay in a relationship with a man who tells you you disgust him.

Are you both owners/on the tenancy of your home? Or is it yours or his?

Well he told me last week I was the "C" word and I still stayed. He's put me through so much and he knows he can do it. I honestly don't understand why he hasn't just left. He obviously hates me.

We rent and it's a joint tenancy.

Sweetheart, you deserve so much better. Do you have some support in real life? Please know that how you're being treated is not OK and you need support to get the fuck away from this man. I hope you can find the strength to call women's aid, get some counselling as soon as possible (for you only, not with him) and start making your plans. Do it for your kids and eventually you'll be glad for yourself too. X

Are you now at the point where you don't care if he leaves or if you leave?
That will give you the strength to stop accepting his behaviour and end it.
Note that when abusive people realise their partner has checked out of the relationship and they don't have that power over them any more, they'll often try to be nice for a while to avoid being left alone because they fear that. It doesn't last though because they'll always be an abusive c**t at heart. People are either capable of treating people badly like that (him) or you're not (you).

See my other message - cross posted. Abusive people need a target and are generally very scared of being on their own. And they hate themselves more than anyone else. Which is why it would never improve if you stayed.

Why are you making yourself sick with this? Enjoy the peace of his silent treatment.
Your relationship is dead. I assume there are financial reasons why you need to stay, so if that’s the case stop caring. Grey wall the hell of him and go about your business talking purely about household admin.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=54

This is a pdf of Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that - its pretty life changing if you find yourself with one of these princes.

OP it's not you, it's him.

If you need someone to give you permission to leave & need someone to tell that it will be okay, we are all here telling you that. So many people here have been through similar & come out so much better off.

He will not get better & the cycle repeats again & again.