He's not speaking to me

[Merrychristmastome1]

Quick back story; been with DP 9 years, he's lazy. When our DC was born he was hardly here. I'd do everything.

Sunday he made a comment about when our son was a baby (he was being rude). I said that he was hardly here anyway; appreciate this comes across as me being rude also.

Anyway, he said I should be grateful he's here more than his dad was around when he was a child. His dad was around and did a lot with him and siblings, he did however have a very good job but always home at weekends. I said to DP that he cannot compare himself to his dad; his dad wasn't home because he was working but he wasnt around because he wanted to stay elsewhere, go out drinking and cheat on me (this is all true). I maybe should have kept my mouth shut but he's extremely lazy and makes our I should be grateful for every little thing. He's nothing like his dad.

Anyway, 15 mins later he comes into the bedroom whilst I'm trying to sleep, shouting at me. He got his pillows and said he doesn't want to be a where near because I disgust him. He said I'm a horrible human being and a disgusting person. I should think before I speak. He just kept repeating how disgusting I am. I just said "ok" then tried to block out what he was saying.

Anyway, he hasn't spoken to me since Sunday night except to say last night that he was going to the pub. I feel physically ill, had stomach pains all day, headache and palpitations. The atmosphere is awful and Christmas is approaching. He's not someone I can communicate with. I'm not really sure why I'm posting except I feel sad and lonely.

The back story is the whole story. Just leave him. You know what a good man would look like and its not him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He won’t leave because he likes having you around to abuse and mistreat as he sees fit. Also you likely do all the household jobs because he sees that all as Womens work. Such men hate women, all of them.

It’s doing your child no favours what’s to be brought up in such an abusive household.

Yes, I obviously do all the housework. He refuses and is too important apparently. I'm a woman and he likes to remind me that when he was younger the head of the household would decide what time the family would eat etc. He doesn't want to eat with the children but later, I don't want the youngest eating half hour before bedtime.

I don't know how to leave. I've done had therapy, spoken to women's aid, read all the books. I'm a lost cause.

I don't understand why you can't leave OP, what is blocking you from leaving?

@username299 me. I'm blocking it
Logistically and financially it would be hard. I think I'm so worn down that I have no energy or fight left in me.

Absolutely been there. I couldn't face it for ages, had got so used to being so worn down by it all and somehow kind of accepted it. Eventually there came a point where I couldn't do it any more and all the things I'd put in my own way no longer had the same effect. Even all the big scary things that had kept me stuck for years just suddenly stopped mattering because I got to the point where I knew I had no choice. It was like a hand on my back propelling me forward and I often felt it was weird and couldn't believe it was happening. Even my worries over the kids and money just kind of got run over by my certainty. I found myself kind of shrugging inwardly, like "it'll just have to be OK as there's no choice now".

Sorry if that makes no sense. If you don't feel able to do it right now, maybe start small in your own mind by making plans he doesn't know about and trying out various scenarios in your head. Just to start getting your head around the possibility of a new life for you and the kids. It is out there. There's a line and once you step over it (and never EVER step back to where you were), you'll realise that it was more of a psychological barrier than anything else. There is a way. Start working it out in theory at least, to give your exhausted mind a chance to see an alternative. X

It's also odd because he complains I should be cooking dinner for exactly when he wants but he's not even eaten yet today. He often eats later so he can "not waste his alcohol" because if he drinks then eats, he doesn't get the effect 🙄 he also happily comes in banging at 12am to make food in the middle of the week when he's been to the pub. Although that's my punishment, he says if I don't make food for when he gets in, he'll be loud in the kitchen, wake me up and leave a mess.

I'm pleased to hear that it worked out for you and that things can change. I think at the moment I'm so lost and don't know who I am.

Holy shot this is so bad if I were you I would pretend to be someone else until I had the strength to leave.like pretend to be wonder woman or boudicca or black widow but Jesus christ butch up and hurl a frying pan at his head.

Treat his threats as promises and take him up on them. He's a lazy cheating lying gaslighting bastard.

I'd honestly love to know why he's still with me.
I used to get upset if we fell out and try to discuss but I know it's hopeless. I don't show him that inside I'm dying, I cry elsewhere and keep myself to myself. He's still ignoring me, I must have really annoyed him this time. We are adults and I wish he'd talk to my face. He gets so very angry though and I often think the reason he won't talk to me in person is because he's so close to wanting to hit me.

You’re not a lost cause; he’s making you feel like that, eroded your sense of self. Keep talking, you’ll find your way through this. You can find your self again.

Op I also came through this, although I couldn’t see it for a long time. But when I did I was so scared! I had no one, nothing. I ended up at the council and they helped me. Then I was on benefits for a long time, but we got through it all ok. But the minute I left, I realised what I had lost and I started to find myself again. I never ever looked back. I know others, now, who have got out and been helped. You can do this, you will find a way. And there will be people around to help you. You don’t have to live like this. Just please do keep talking x

Do NOT do this. Obviously.

You don’t have to have a showdown with him OP.
You can just leave. You can get advice on how and the details re your tenancy/ where else to go from Women’s Aid.
Don't you dream of being away from him in peace and quiet? Of getting back to how you were before him?

What made you leave? At this point I feel I will put up with anything.

I've been reflecting and I've realised I don't even care that I'm called names any more, I'm desensitised. I don't even notice the meaning behind the words. I'm just worried he'll leave me. How sad is that. He can be disgusted by me, call me a C word and so, so much more and I don't feel anything except fear he'll leave.

That numbness is a symptom of your brain trying to protect you from the abuse. You're so used to it but it doesn't make it OK. He's a piece of shit. I hope you can find the strength to ensure your kids don't grow up thinking that this is a normal relationship. Once you do this for them, you'll be better able to recognise (with therapy) how much damage has been done to you as well, and start to heal and get stronger. X

Ok you don’t care about yourself but stop allowing your DC to be bought up in an abusive household. While you sit and tolerate this disgusting pricks behaviour, every day you’re exposing your children to more and more toxic dysfunction that they will carry with them their whole lives.

You really want that for your kids futures?

I don't think I even need to worry about leaving him. He's not even talking to me, so I assume he's ended it. I can't even bring myself to read the text messages he sent because they're always so nasty I'm not strong enough. So I assume he's said he doesn't want to be with me.

Because he's a sadistic piece of shit and loves having you around as his verbal punching bag?

Presumably you care about your kids? Are you not willing to end it so that they don’t grow up with this piece of shit poisoning every day of their lives, fucking them up and leaving them thinking this is what a normal relationship looks like?

Or are they also less important than this man and your terror that he might leave you? If so, yes, that’s very fucking sad.

Sadly the lack of concern or even mention of the kids involved would point to your last paragraph being correct.

Yet again a thread where kids lives are being destroyed because having a bloke is higher priority than their welfare.

You can see yourself how bad this relationship is for you and your children, and how his abuse has worn you down.
As PP"s have said, get in touch with Women's Aid or Refuge for advice on getting out, they will also provide support for getting on with your new lives. If you leave (and you and the children or he must) be aware that this can be a dangerous time, where men can turn violent (or more violent.) Plan carefully with help from the above organisations. If you ever feel unsafe, call the police. If you don't feel safe to speak, press '5' and the operator will be aware you can't. Wishing you well.

I do think about my child all the time. However that complicates matters for several reasons.

Oh FFS, this is the part-time doctor again isn't it?!

Jesus wept.