Long story short, I’ve been talking to this guy on an off for awhile, we have mutual friends, but this was the first time that we had met in person. I find him attractive physically and during our first date I did get a little tipsy but as the days have gone by I’m starting to remember things that happened and a lot of things don’t sit right with me. On an emotional and maturity level, we are definitely not aligned.
So firstly, I was the one who drove on this date. He told me he had car problems so I had to end up picking him up. I’m not judgemental so I did it. He does cocaine whereas I just drink occasionally but I only realised on our date what he’s really about. He yanked my hair while I was driving several times and I started to get annoyed and told him to stop. the first time it seemed a bit playful but then he kept doing it and harder. I have long hair as well. To me, it doesn’t matter how comfortable I make you feel because I know I give off that vibe, but I just think the line was crossed there firstly. he’s also five years older than me so I’m not sure if he just likes to feel in control.
We went out to eat and he kept trying to kiss me and in a very intense way it wasn’t like just a peck on the lips. It was very full on and I felt uncomfortable and I told him to stop because we’re in a public space. I’m also someone who’s quite introverted so you can imagine that this was out of my comfort zone. He kept saying to me why do you keep pushing me away. His life seems quite chaotic and during the night he did have moments where he would kind of trauma dump on me about his childhood and stuff, but like I said I know I have that nurturing energy and people tend to feel safe around me, so I didn’t mind it.
I’m not sure if I should’ve drew the line here, but we ended up going back to mine and just chilling out for a bit we did have sex. I did enjoy it at first, but after a few long rounds, I was literally done for and he was finding it hard to finish and told me this was because the cocktail of drugs that he had done which causes him problems in that department. But it literally got to a stage where my body could no longer take it and he kept trying to continue. I told him that I can’t do this anymore several times and I’m in pain and he proceeded and at one point I was literally just lifeless whilst he was still on top of me going & sweating I just feel disgusted when I remember those moments in my head. He even said to me during “we’re not stopping until I come“ After he ran out of energy, I had a panic attack in my room. I think this was due to what my body had just been put through I was pushed way over my limit. I’d literally never felt like this after sex during any point of my life. He wasn’t aware of the panic attack. But my body literally went into shock but it’s only as days have gone on that I’ve realised that this isn’t okay. I’ve literally been in pain for three days. I’ve had to work from home because I could barely walk for the first two days. I’ve also noticed the way that he talks to other women in his life is just atrocious and he also has some deep mother wounds so this could play a role in his behaviour.
I’m just not sure how to feel about this all. he has checked in on me and called me several times and just keeps asking me if I’m okay but doesn’t go into depth about the night. as my memory comes back to me he clearly knows that something was wrong. I even had a really emotional tearful moment last night when thinking about it all and I’m usually a tough cookie so I’m not sure what happened. but how do I proceed with this moving forward?
I’m not a confrontational person and I don’t want to start drama with him .