Being single is only good if..

AMessAMess · 2024-12-15T19:09:58+00:00

So I know there is a lot of push now for women to stay single and embrace being alone but does anyone else feel like being single is only good when you have loads of friends/ family and just a large support network? If you don’t have that I can be painfully lonely. I never felt lonely in my 20s I had a great social life and friends was out most weekends and never really felt bored or lonely and if I did I would just date or meet someone, for reasons I won’t go into I don’t really see these friends anymore and social life is non existent makes it much harder to enjoy being single. How do you enjoy it if you have limited friends/ family

NotAMumNotByChoice · 15/12/2024 19:11

Dunno. It's tough.

HomeworkMonitor · 15/12/2024 19:17

you have the money to go on lots of holidays, buy clothes, socialise regularly and live in a warm, comfortable home in a safe, decent area.

Sugarcoldturkey · 15/12/2024 19:18

I think the people pushing for women to stay single are deluded. We are a social species, we need human touch and interaction. With society the way it is, we can generally only reliably get this from romantic partners. Parents will die before us, siblings will move away, friends can be quite distant and thin on the ground etc.

Sure, there's more than one way to be in a relationship, everyone should figure out what works for them, but staying single is not the best choice for many people.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2024 19:23

I'm not sure it is about large friendships.

I think it's about how you feel when you are on your own.

For some people, they feel lonely.

For others, (me), I feel peaceful content happy.

If I had one hour a week free, I would spend it swinging in my egg chair in my garden on my own in the sun.
Others might choose to go out to the pub with a friend.

So, I think it's about personality, introvert, extrovert etc with whether you're happy single or not.

echt · 15/12/2024 19:23

Where is this push to stay single coming from?

WaneyEdge · 15/12/2024 19:24

It’s really hard. I was single from 30-36, I moved for a new job when I was 32. People at work were nice people and friendly but we never really socialised or anything. It’s also hard at that age if, as a woman, you don’t have children. Everyone does ‘family time’ at weekends and even if you make plans to meet, they’ll bring the kids with them.

I don’t think I’d have been as bothered if I’d have had a job that allowed me to buy a property, but I lived in the SE and as a single person on £30k it wasn’t doable. At least I’d have felt like I wasn’t totally behind everyone; alone, living in another persons property - not even able to hang a picture on a wall.

Original poster

AMessAMess · 15/12/2024 19:25

echt · 15/12/2024 19:23

Where is this push to stay single coming from?

I see it all the time on MN.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2024 19:27

I see it all the time on MN.

I think on MN that's often with the context of them currently being in a miserable relationship with a horror of a man, and that being single has to be better than that. It's cos every day on mn we seem ti have women who would choose being abused over not being with a man.

Original poster

AMessAMess · 15/12/2024 19:30

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2024 19:27

I see it all the time on MN.

I think on MN that's often with the context of them currently being in a miserable relationship with a horror of a man, and that being single has to be better than that. It's cos every day on mn we seem ti have women who would choose being abused over not being with a man.

No that isn’t what I’m talking about at all. I see it all the time even on fecbook groups I’m on. Definitely not in that context but will have to agree to disagree

OP posts:

EmpressaurusKitty · 15/12/2024 19:31

I’m 51, I've been divorced for 10 years now & being single with a cat is pure joy as far as I’m concerned. Yes, I’ve got family but none very local, & I’ve built up friendships & networks by getting out there & meeting people. I met a lot of my friends via feminist campaigning, others through volunteering.

I simply have no urge to be in a romantic relationship of any kind. Staying single is without question the perfect choice for me.

byteme1011 · 15/12/2024 19:32

I suspect it's a reaction to the time where being in a relationship was almost seen as an achievement!
I'm recently single after a long term relationship and not ready to date yet, but I've just bought my first house and billwise I'm definitely feeling the single tax!

Choux · 15/12/2024 19:35

It sounds like you need some new friends to replace the ones you have lost?

Could you start doing a hobby or class or Parkrun or a book club (try Meetup) or volunteer etc etc to meet new people and reinvigorate your social life?

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 19:35

I don’t see as a push to stay single at all - just that nowadays women, with the help of sites like MN and social media are more able to connect and discuss abusive relationships and how to get out of them. Women are being taught to know their worth and that it’s ok to be alone - it isn’t the social stigma it used to be and it’s surely much better to remain single than settle for a shit relationship. Also many more women are financially independent now which was very rare in the past. They don’t need a man for security and that’s a good thing.

It also depends on the person though - it takes a strong woman who is happy within herself to be content alone - too many stay in unhappy relationships through fear. Whether that’s fear of their dh/coping financially alone or just feeling lonely it keeps them in unhappy situations.

MN is very empowering for many women who want to get out of their relationship and need practical advice and emotional support they often can’t get in RL.

Im married and generally happy but if anything happened to dh I’d never live with another man again!

NotAMumNotByChoice · 15/12/2024 19:36

HomeworkMonitor · 15/12/2024 19:17

you have the money to go on lots of holidays, buy clothes, socialise regularly and live in a warm, comfortable home in a safe, decent area.

Actually I don't. Money goes on things like mortgage and bills. I can go on holidays alone if I find something I can afford. I can buy nice clothes by shopping carefully, but I haven't got anywhere to wear them. I live in a rough area, as that was what I could afford, and my house is cold.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 19:37

I think it’s also perfectly natural to feel lonely sometimes when single just as it’s perfectly normal to yearn to be single when you’re married! There are pros and cons to both.

Original poster

AMessAMess · 15/12/2024 19:40

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 19:35

I don’t see as a push to stay single at all - just that nowadays women, with the help of sites like MN and social media are more able to connect and discuss abusive relationships and how to get out of them. Women are being taught to know their worth and that it’s ok to be alone - it isn’t the social stigma it used to be and it’s surely much better to remain single than settle for a shit relationship. Also many more women are financially independent now which was very rare in the past. They don’t need a man for security and that’s a good thing.

It also depends on the person though - it takes a strong woman who is happy within herself to be content alone - too many stay in unhappy relationships through fear. Whether that’s fear of their dh/coping financially alone or just feeling lonely it keeps them in unhappy situations.

MN is very empowering for many women who want to get out of their relationship and need practical advice and emotional support they often can’t get in RL.

Im married and generally happy but if anything happened to dh I’d never live with another man again!

It’s easy to say that when you are married 😏

OP posts:

IsChristmasOverYetPlease · 15/12/2024 19:44

I love being single. Have been for 20 years and I’m more content and relaxed than when I was in a 15 year and then 3 year relationship.

I rarely go out (apart from the gym, to care for elderly parents, work and shopping) but have good friends I see probably every few months.

Life peaceful and I am happy. No one size fits all.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 19:45

AMessAMess · 15/12/2024 19:40

It’s easy to say that when you are married 😏

Show quote history

So you seem to be saying you’d like a partner and are lonely - no one is disagreeing with you, that’s natural. I’m just disagreeing that it’s a result of some nefarious campaign for women to stay single rather than the fact women are (luckily) able to live independently of men much more easily nowadays and are encouraged to leave abusive men.

Surely that can only be a good thing?

What do you do in your spare time OP? Sounds like you need to meet some new people. Volunteering? Running group etc?

NotAMumNotByChoice · 15/12/2024 19:47

I'm sick of the assumption that I have heaps of money because I don't have children, and of people telling me I'm selfish for not having any (I didn't choose to not have any).

Crushed23 · 15/12/2024 19:49

Make new friends.
Take up new hobbies.
Move to a new city.

Your 20s are not the only time to have an active social life and strong support network. I feel like I only 'found my people' in my 30s.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 15/12/2024 19:50

AMessAMess · 15/12/2024 19:30

No that isn’t what I’m talking about at all. I see it all the time even on fecbook groups I’m on. Definitely not in that context but will have to agree to disagree

Show quote history

That is why I was going to say though @AMessAMess so can you give me us some examples of what you mean? There is definitely more support to not be in any relationship just for the sake of of it, but I have been intermittently single for years and all I get is pressure to be in a relationship -less so since mid forties and fat, but still loads of people pushing that I should “find someone”

Startingagainandagain · 15/12/2024 19:52

What is your point?

Some people choose to be single and are happy that way.

If you prefer being in a relationship, again that is completely your choice to make.

No one is forcing you to choose a way of living that you don't enjoy.

echt · 15/12/2024 19:55

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2024 19:27

I see it all the time on MN.

I think on MN that's often with the context of them currently being in a miserable relationship with a horror of a man, and that being single has to be better than that. It's cos every day on mn we seem ti have women who would choose being abused over not being with a man.

This. MN is not the world or a social trend.

ChristmasinBrighton · 15/12/2024 19:57

I’m sorry you are unhappily single @AMessAMess and I hope you find a lovely partner soon.

I am twice divorced, and have been single now for 15 years. I can honestly say I have never been happier. My dad is dead and I have been NC with mother for many years. I have one sibling but see them about four times a year. Two adult DC who live two hours away and have their own lives.

What I do have is a loyal and trustworthy group of longstanding friends. I see them maybe once a month. That’s enough socialising for me. I prefer to spend my weekends walking the dog for hours, or curled up on the sofa watching films and eating cake. I never ever feel lonely.

My life isn’t wrong and neither is your wish to be coupled up. It is important though to understand that not everyone has the same needs as you

NameChanges123 · 15/12/2024 19:58

I think a lot of women are struggling to find a good partner these days and may feel that being single is a better option than wading through the emotionally traumatic cesspit of OLD.

I feel like you do, OP. I feel I'm happiest and best in a good relationship but society and people (men in particular) have changed so much and there's only so much pain you can take before giving up.

It's horrible and lonely for me to be single but I honestly don't think I'll be lucky enough to find a good man anymore.