Being single is only good if..

[AMessAMess]

So I know there is a lot of push now for women to stay single and embrace being alone but does anyone else feel like being single is only good when you have loads of friends/ family and just a large support network? If you don’t have that I can be painfully lonely. I never felt lonely in my 20s I had a great social life and friends was out most weekends and never really felt bored or lonely and if I did I would just date or meet someone, for reasons I won’t go into I don’t really see these friends anymore and social life is non existent makes it much harder to enjoy being single. How do you enjoy it if you have limited friends/ family

@AMessAMess I think you have a point.
Being in a couple, (and what often comes with it, children) just gives people an easy way to be social, in contact with people, incl family from both sides etc….
It also gives some financial protection (if you’re married!) if one of you gets ill for example.
And life is cheaper which is a big plus in the middle of a CoL crisis.
(All of which is true for men AND women btw)

I think though that the idea of living on your own is pushed as a reaction to the fact women are still taken for granted in that system. That as women are now financially independent so we shouldn’t be looking at ‘being in a couple’/men as the only possible answer to the social aspect/finance etc….
Its probably easier when you’re older and are financially stronger too.

Yeah, but it takes a big income.

I'm single, prefer being single, but without a big income I can't afford all the luxuries I might with a dual income. A nicer house in a nicer are, expensive holidays every year etc.

hobbies, mainly and mumsnet helps discussing topics with different people

You need to take up a team sport.... bam... 10 new friends at least!!

Try women's hockey, cricket, netball football or rugby. You don't have to be brilliant at it, just prepared to have a go. All very accessible.

Actually indoor climbing is meant to be a great way to make new friends and meet potential new partners.

It might be an age thing but at 59 I’ve been single 5 years and I don’t miss a single thing about being in a relationship.
i love my peace and space. I can’t imagine coming home from work and having to talk
to someone - it would drive me mental

I have good friends many of whom I’ve made in the last decade, I’m not on a big salary but I’ve learned to manage my money better and I still get to socialise regularly and have 3 holidays a year.

If I met someone naturally, then I might think about dating but I never ever want to cohabitate again.

I think a lot of posters on here who are happy being single are divorced and have already experienced marriage and raised children....after years of looking after a DH and DC, I can see why they enjoy the single life. But I think for women who have never married and would like a family, their experience of single life is very different.

When I lived alone and was single in my early twenties I hated it and felt lonely. I'm now very happy with DH but if we were ever to split, I don't think I could be bothered to find someone else.

Im married and generally happy but if anything happened to dh I’d never live with another man again!

I think most women have to think about living on our own at least in old age because we are more likely than men to end up widowed. And generally widows don't remarry (whereas there's a bit of a cliche about men getting married very fast after their wife dying). So it makes sense that there's a narrative that being single is good for women. 'The Merry Widow' has long been a trope and women's increased financial independence and the higher divirce rate mean it's now possible for more women to make the choice to be single and not be financially beholden to a man.

Yes probably. I’m 35 so the thought of being alone forever now seems quite sad!

I don't think there is any pressure to remain single. I think, however, that there is a strong acknowledgement that being married or in a relationship is not the only respectable or valid option, and a fight against the belief that a single, especially older woman is miserable and lonely.

There is also a very welcome awakening of women that many men are actually quite shit as partners and that it is very important to be an independent person and not rely in a man for financial and emotional support, because plenty of them are not only unreliable, but also toxic. Many women are waking up to the fact that we are actually pretty good at relying on ourselves and building an amazing life with or without a man by our side. And that being by ourselves is much more preferable than putting up with a man who does not improve our life.

Not always the case. I didn't get married until I was 30, and tbh I had never really wanted to get married. If I hadn't married then I never would have married and would have been happily single for my whole life.

Hmm...not for me, my network is small and I prefer being single unless the alternative is a bloody good relationship. I think some people struggle more in their own company though so find it hard. Probably moreso if they weren't used to being alone growing up.

But, I do worry about health. I'd hate to be ill or infirm and single. You notice it more when you haven't people to rely on. That if it goes tits up, you don't have that main person who would be there 24/7 and have your back.

At least two of those things are much more expensive when you're single.

I'm single with one 16yo DS and I love it. I have an interesting well paid job and we have a comfortable home. I have a few close friends and generally life is good, full and busy.

After years of trying to find a decent partner and being lied to and let down over and over, there is relief in not having to put up with one more two-faced git of a man. No more arguments, no more nasty surprises, no more hurt and disappointment. I have whole weeks of enjoyment and fun. I feel very lucky.

DS is good company and old enough to leave for a day if I need to travel for work. All the pressure is off. 🤗

But when he leaves to go to university I will be on my own and might need to think again.

I think it is especially hard to be single mid 30s.

I suspect there’s a hormonal aspect - in some sense your body punishes you for not having babies or not having a strong provider for them. That’s how it sometimes feels for me, anyway, and it definitely changes through the month.

On top of this, so many friends are wrapped up in family life. I love hanging out with my friends kids but that’s not everyone’s idea of fun and it does change the relationship and means single / childless people have to fit in with the couples / have kids a lot more.

Not everyone who gets into a relationship disappears into it, but a considerable fraction do, and many more stop making new friends while in a relationship, so 30s can feel like a time of losing a lot of people who were close, and it is harder to make new friends than it was. Very destabilising and can badly affect self worth. That’s a natural reaction and it’s not very helpful to imply you can just think yourself out of it.

I was married through my 20s, not in my 30s. I didn’t regret leaving. However, I did notice that while married I believed I wouldn’t be bothered about finding anyone else, thought I’d be so happy single but in reality it wasn’t at all like I imagined. Much more insecurity and loneliness than I expected. Even though I knew I was better off, I saw myself growing daily, I was making friends and was proud of myself for all kinds of things.

There’s so much that’s nice about living with a (decent) partner that becomes so normal you don’t even notice it while you’re in it. I think there could be alternatives - community living - but our society doesn’t offer many and they would be hard in other ways.

All of that to say, I don’t have a magic answer OP. Keep trying to make friends even though it does take a long time. Keep doing things you enjoy, keep learning new things and growing and challenging yourself, invest in the friends and family you have, try to enjoy sharing in your friends family life if you can. Life is full of ups and downs. There will be good things in your future.

I'm completely single ( not dating, not even interested) since 34. I don't have close friends as I moved to a new city to buy a house.
If I ever feel like socialising (I never feel lonely though!) I just rock up to one of my local nightlife establishments, find a bunch of acquaintances from some random hazy night a month ago - we talk, we drink, we laugh, we dance... And then I'm very happy to go home and crash into my huge bed by myself.

I'm 38 now and the more time goes by, the more content I am with my simple, single life. I doubt I'll ever find a partner again, as the idea itself doesn't even seem appealing! But if, by a miracle, a completely irresistible specimen makes me all coupled up again - I ain't EVER cohabiting again! That's a mugs' game!

I have been married and have one tween. I'm done on both counts.

The issue is my parents are still married, but my mother also feels incredibly lonely. My dad is not at all responsive to her needs, so she is lonely AND trapped.

I think the reason I never really got past the dating stage with someone is that I have this expectation to be equal with a man. I expect my needs to be met, and I have been continually disappointed. None of the men I have been in a relationship with have been mature enough to take up the emotional slack when shit has hit the fan for me.

I do have moments that I feel very alone, and even though I quite like living on my own, holdiays and travelling is very difficult as I already spend so much time on my own already and I like having an adventure with others.

I also agree with posters that no matter how much I earn I still never feel financially secure. I am doing OK at the moment, but I am nervous to spend money on luxuries (especially as I have just turned 40) because I have no real backup.

This is almost the same as me. Married twice for 14 years, then 3, but have been alone now for 16 years, and no plans to change that. I work hard, care for elderly parents, go to the gym, do a lot of hiking alone, see friends irregularly, but we talk on the phone loads. I like my single life, but not everyone is built for it. Of course, I am lonely for time to time, but you can be lonely within a relationship, and my life is generally peaceful, fulfilled, and secure. I don’t think anyone is saying all women should be single, it’s horses for courses.

I do think it's a bit of a different thing if you've never been married or had a long term relationship despite wanting that.

Those of us who have had that and now enjoy or are relieved 😂 to be single again aren't really coming from the same place. We've had that experience, even if it turned out badly.

I don't think there's a good answer to it.

All you can do is build a life and social circle on your own and keep open to possibilities. Date when you feel resilient enough for it.

I do think it's a bit of a different thing if you've never been married or had a long term relationship despite wanting that.
Those of us who have had that and now enjoy or are relieved 😂 to be single again aren't really coming from the same place. We've had that experience, even if it turned out badly.

Yes, that makes sense. I never had kids (thank God) but I’m partly so happy single now because I’ve experienced the alternative.

It's so interesting and enriching to read all of your experiences as women. We are all different and feel different, but there is a common womanly "feel" to this thread. Thank you everyone for sharing and may you all find your happy place ❤

I hear this all the time - and this is certainly not true for me. Being on my own with a single income is really tough and means I cannot afford anywhere near the holidays etc. my married friends can and yet people seem to assume you have money to spare!

It can depend on how much of a social animal you are too. I'm perfectly happy in my own company. I've married and had partners whom were perfectly nice men, still friends with them. I've thought about looking out there again, after 2 1/2 years, then quickly changed my mind.

I don't have lots of money, not do I go on holidays. What I do have though, is enough to live on and peace. That's all I need. If you're asked me this in my thirties though, I probably would have answered differently. I'm mid fifties.

I think that poster was just filling in the end of the sentence from the OP's title:
Being single is only good if..you have the money to go on lots of holidays, buy clothes, socialise regularly and live in a warm, comfortable home in a safe, decent area.

Certainly being in a couple usually helps your economic power. Unless you have a partner who is crap with money like my ex, who I was better off without as at least I could manage my money without being sabotaged.

Late-30s, single, perpetually so.

I have had relationships but never for more than 3 years, give or take, and haven't lived with anyone (bar Covid) since 2009. I think that you're right OP, sometimes it's just really bloody tough.

I like my life, I have a good job, I earn well, I live where I want to, I moved (again) because I wanted to, etc. From the outside, I know that my life looks great and people say things like "I admire your independence", and "you're so strong", and "I wish I had your freedom/confidence". However it certainly doesn't feel like a glamourous, happy, fulfilled lifestyle when I get in from a nightmare commute, the lights are off, the fridge is near-empty, and no one offers a cup of tea or asks about my day or says "fuck it, shall we get a take away?".

I don't long for a relationship in a sappy Prince Charming way, but I do miss companionship, intimacy, complicity. It'd be nice to have some well meaning idiot cooking his one fail-safe dinner then fixing the light above the kitchen cupboards. Of course I can do those things myself, but it'd be nice if it wasn't ALL my problem.

I have made some good friends (recent move meant that I needed to start over) and luckily some of them are also my age and single, so they appreciate the need for connection. Even if it's just to hang out or grab a quick coffee when your paths cross while doing something else, it can make all the difference to my day. I had a GF stay this weekend and it was lovely to just not be alone most of the time.

I think the most important thing when alone a lot is to put yourself first. Even if I don't feel like doing x alone, I still do things because I want to. Cinema, hike, dance class, creative workshop, volunteering... all of these have enriched my life and created some social connections. It also means that days alone are not "wasted" because at least I did something that I wanted to do.

I also "force" people to celebrate my milestones and acheivements. Everyone "recognises" engagements, marriages, babies, anniversaries, etc., but when you're alone or not "ticking these boxes", things go unmarked. Throw a housewarming party, insist on gifts, tell everyone when you get a new job/promotion and that you expect them to come out for drinks to celebrate. It pisses me off sometimes to remind people I'm alive, but it's better than sitting indoors feeling sad about it.

Sorry this turned into an essay/rant. In short, being single sometimes sucks when you feel lonelt, but it is not terrible all the time. You have to do the things that make your own life fulfilling and fun for YOU.

As others have said previously, it's really quite complex because enjoying being single depends on so many factors, such as whether you are extrovert or introvert, your age (possibly a generational thing?), whether you've been married previously (and therefore know that marriage/families aren't necessarily great either).

I don't have a big family, although my sister is lovely...but she's often busy. And I don't have loads of 'best friends' either although I go out and meet lots of people and have created lots of 'acquaintances' wherever I've lived.

But I absolutely love being on my own, I can't think of anything better. The freedom, the choice, the peace and quiet, the fact I can live my life as I wish, go anywhere I please and not have to factor anyone else into the equation is brilliant. I am never lonely - I know what lonely feels like, that's what I was when I was married. I am often alone and enjoy doing things by myself just as much as with others; I certainly want to stay single and don't want to date anyone again.

I am often with other people though - work groups (before I retired) and now volunteer groups, church groups, sports groups, being on a local committee, even the neighbours. I chat to those around me and anyone who seems friendly and we get on, I offer to meet for coffee, give lifts, come back for tea or whatever and start up friendships that way. However, I guess if you're much younger and your idea of a good time with a friend is an evening clubbing, well, that's harder to do without a closer set of mates.