This is quite a long one.
Myself and my husband have been together for 11 years - married for 3 of them.
The start of our relationship was very full on, I was a single mum of 24 and he was 29 and had left his previous relationship 3 months before.
Within 2 months he was crying about how much he loved me and within 3 months we were living together.
Roll round to our 1 year anniversary and he proposed, a week later I found out I was pregnant.
For 8 years our relationship was generally great. We got on so well, laughed all the time, loved each other so much and just enjoyed life together.
The only concerns up to that point was that he was always very up and down. Not daily but he would go from idolising me (and I mean worshipped the ground I walked on) for months to then threatening to leave if I ever called him out on anything or he deemed me being ‘negative’. This would always result in me running to him and apologising and within 5 minutes of me doing that it was like nothing had happened and he would be back to worshipping me.
I became very codependent on him which was unlike me because prior to him I was very confident and secure.
After 8 years together we got married and had such a wonderful wedding. He made everyone in the room cry, grown men included with his speech about how much he loved me.
7 months later he went on a work trip to America for 6 weeks. Whilst away he admitted he was struggling and hadn’t been sleeping on top of working for 35 days in a row.
On the last couple of days I didn’t hear from him for 24 hours. He then texted me on his way to the airport to come home saying we needed to speak. Turns out he had slept with 3 separate women whilst away but continued to call me like nothing happened in between this time. The final woman he actually met up with twice and on the last day even bought her to the hotel he was staying at in front of all of his work friends who knew he was married.
It’s safe to say I was completely heartbroken and blind sided. When he walked in the house he was a completely different person and said the most hurtful things to me such as ‘it was the best sex I ever had’ and ‘I had feelings for her’ - baring in mind he met the 3rd one only twice.
He moved out of our family home and rented a room in a shared house. During this time I was very concerned about him as he had said he was feeling suicidal etc. He had been to the doctors and signed off work with burnout following the trip and they wanted to see him back for depression once he had started sleeping but he refused to go. I tried to support him and in the end 6 weeks later he went back to the doctors and was placed on antidepressants.
We had counselling together and it was basically explained to me as a perfect storm. Lack of sleep, being away from home, being lonely, mental health problems etc which led him to seek comfort in something that made him feel better. He admitted as much as he said he felt ‘empty’ when away and these women made him feel how I did which he missed.
Long story short we decided to work on our marriage and work through it. I forgave him but obviously the trust was never the same.
Roll on 2 years later. We were happy, still laughed everyday, he was affectionate, left me love notes before work, came home with flowers etc and was the person he always was.
Things then changed in the summer. He turned 40 in July and had always been very funny about getting older due to the fact his family all die relativity young (his uncle died at 51 last year from a heart attack and he was fit and healthy).
He had some health issues with GERD in August where he didn’t eat for over a week and then felt really overwhelmed and got upset about the standard the GP tests you have at 40 as he thought there might be something wrong with him. He’s always been very weak emotionally and doesn’t cope well with stress in life.
He was tired all the time and sleeping a lot during this time and just seemed to be on autopilot.
Mid August it was our 3rd wedding anniversary. He wrote the most lovely things in my card and cried on the day telling me how much he loved me.
The following week we went on holiday and it was a nightmare. Our youngest child is autistic and she did not cope well at all. On the first night we had an argument and he said he didn’t know if this was what he wanted anymore. The following day he apologised and said he was tired, had had a drink and was stressed. Told me he loved me and dropped it.
The next 2 weeks his behaviour changed dramatically. He broke down crying saying he felt so down and didn’t know why as he has a great wife, life etc but he was struggling. I suggested he went to the doctors but he refused as he didn’t want to go on medication again. I tried to support him as much as I could.
He became very snappy and irritable and at one point spoke to me so badly in front of our children telling me to ‘get back in my box’ which was so out of character for him.
The following week he walked out on the Saturday to get the car checked and did not come home for 3 days. All I got during this time was a few texts saying his head was a mess and I deserve the best and he can’t give that to me atm because he was overwhelmed in life.
He said he stayed with a friend from football for the few days in his spare room.
On the Tuesday he turned up back at home and didn’t even want to discuss it. This is typical for him as he has always avoided difficult conversations and gets very defensive when he is called out for being in the wrong.
When we finally did talk he said he knows it was selfish leaving but he needed some space to sort his head out.
During the conversation he got very upset about something the friend had said about why I forgave him 2 years ago for cheating. He asked how he knew I wasn’t only with him for the kids and that I wouldn’t kick him out when they are older. I obviously told him this was not the case at all.
For the next few days I was still angry and upset with him and things felt tense.
On the Thursday night we checked in for our holiday to Turkey online and he was discussing going to view venues for my mums birthday party. The next day he text me on his morning break as he always did asking how my morning was going.
4 hours later he came home, sat down and said he didn’t love me anymore, he’d been acting for ages and was a better actor than he thought.
I asked if there was someone else or if he had cheated again and he said there wasn’t someone else but he can’t say he would never cheat on me again because he didn’t love me. I was understandably distraught during this conversation whereas he was completely cold and detached with no emotion there at all.
He walked out like nothing happened chatting to our neighbour on the way like we had just discussed what to have for dinner.
He came to collect some stuff the following day and was smirking at me whilst I was upset saying ‘at least I’m not a hindrance to you anymore’
In the week and a half that followed he was very angry towards me and for the majority of the time flat out ignored me. He did not contact our children at all even though our oldest (my 14 year old who he has raised as his own) has a mobile phone.
2 weeks after leaving his messages changed from anger to more guilt like such as ‘you all deserve so much better than me’, ‘I’m an idiot’. He then told me he had rented a room from a woman at work he saw on a notice board and they had ‘gotten close’.
Now I wasn’t born yesterday, I have asked him so many times if something was going on before and he is adamant it wasn’t and he only messaged her via work chat about the room. She apparently is also going through a break up and has no family to rely on the same as him so they have supported each other and apparently become ‘fond of each other’.
We are now nearly 3 months down the line. He is still living with this woman. When I asked outright 2 weeks ago if he was in a relationship with her all I got was ‘Yes and I’m happy’. No consideration at all for my feelings or how much that would hurt me.
He did not bother with his children at all or even ask after them for 2 months. I told him both were struggling and I had had their schools on the phone but he still did not ask about them or to see them.
He did not turn up to take our youngest to football as promised. He did not even send our daughter a birthday card. This is the man who was always the best dad I could ever have asked for for our children so it’s been very difficult to deal with.
All I have had from him for months is him either ignoring me or acting like he has done me a favour.
He has had no empathy or compassion at all for how this has affected me and the children and is only concerned with himself.
He even made a comment that the children should be happy because their dad is happy. Completely oblivious to the bomb he has thrown into their lives.
He has also occasionally thrown in the odd message about ruining his life, paying the price for that, losing everything etc but then the next day would be telling me he is so happy now.
He would also occasionally out the blue send me messages like nothing had happened such as ‘how is the house after the storm’ ‘did you have a good weekend’ which is just very confusing.
At one point he messaged me telling me how happy he is where he is living because it’s quiet and stress free. I’m assuming he’s referring to our children which again is just madness because who has that attitude about their own children. It’s so out of character for him.
A few weeks ago he decided to remember he had children and asked to see them. They have both said right now they don’t want to see him because they are angry and upset.
I was then subjected to a barrage of abuse that it’s my fault and im bitter and twisted and I will ruin the kids. He seems incapable of accepting any responsibility in this and is instead blaming me and even my mother for apparently turning his kids against him.
And rather than try to do anything to make that better and rebuild his relationship with them he has now just accepted it as what it is and blocked me and all of my family on every method of communication possible like the kids don’t exist to him anymore.
Im am struggling to understand what has happened here. I know the logical response is he had an affair and left for this woman but I’m struggling to believe that.
Other than football twice a week he never really went anywhere, our money was joint, he wasn’t on his phone all the time or any of the other typical signs you look for.
Other than 2 years ago when he lost his bloody marbles he has always been the most loving, caring, supportive and attentive husband and dad.
My whole family are completely mortified because they always thought he was disgustingly in love with me. We even went on a big family holiday early July and they said he was like a love sick puppy as always.
This change from such a loving man to this cold, detached, selfish and nasty one has happened so quickly and I’m struggling to understand how it could happen.
How can the most loving father just cut his children off like they don’t exist?
How can the most loving husband just drop his 11 year relationship and act like it meant nothing to him.
This man has gone from making me feel like the important person in the world to him to making me feel like he doesn’t care if I am dead or alive with the flick of a switch.
I am absolutely broken, I’ve lost 2 stone during this time, im a complete mess and it feels like it will never get better. I never thought this would happen and I’ve never been made to feel so insignificant in my entire life.
Looking for some insight here