I made a huge mistake and don't know where to begin to try and mend things

[DAISYBELLAxx]

Hello,

I have had a terrible 5 years in relationships, my first one being a long term relationship where we owned a home together. He cheated, so I moved back in with my parents. I then quickly got into another relationship, moved in with him and then it turned toxic. I moved out again recently to my parents whilst we try to work things out.

In addition to this, I dislike my current job in teaching and have done for 5 years. I decided to take a Saturday course in dog grooming.

When I started the course, the graduation date was 14th December, and the graduation is the shorter day. My partner asked me if I could attend his work party on that day (a ticketed event) to which I said it shouldn't be a problem as it was a shorter day on the course. They then decided to move the graduation day to 21st instead, meaning that yesterday was a long day and I wouldn't have made it to the event on time.

As a result, I panicked, called in sick, but lied to my parents that I was going (I thought they would be disappointed in me missing a week of the course, for a man who they have advised me I am probably better off without). I got up and dressed in my uniform and said to my parents that I would be going back to my partners after dog grooming to get ready for the party.

Instead I went straight to my partners flat to spend the day with him. Unbeknownst to me, my parents had surprised me by booking in my dog to be groomed by me. They drove an hour to the salon and back, to be told that I wasn't there because I was ill.

My Dad then tried to call me and I ignored it. He then called my partner who lied that I was at the course to protect me. My partner told me to be honest and not to lie beforehand, and now he has lied for me and has been painted out in a worse light.

They are heartbroken. I have lied to everybody, including those on my course. I feel this terrible sense of guilt. My parents have done everything for me, including helping me through the dramas of my failed relationships and putting me up with somewhere to stay.

I feel so embarrassed and don't even know where to start with fixing this. I feel so alone. My family are not speaking to me and I have asked my partner to give me some space while I try to process everything.

I didn't end up going to the party, and drove back to my parents to make sure they were ok. My partner ended up going, he says because it cost his bosses a lot of money.

I just don't know what to do and am at a complete loss.

I just think you have to brazen it out. You were trying to please your boyfriend, the course changed, you couldn't do everything, the lies spiralled and here we are. Nobody died or got injured. Your parents need to forgive and forget.

Unless you are known for bring flaky and this was the final straw. Be honest here. I. Guessing you must be about 25 to have five years teaching, still young enough to shake it off.

Do your parents really dislike your boyfriend? Were you lying to cover it up?

You know, just come clean and apologise. It is really strange thing for a grown up to do ( I’m assuming young adult though?) but people do strange things when they are stressed.

Everyone makes mistake and this seems like something that just escalated. I would describe the situation to your parents in the same terms as above. They will have to get over it, you weren’t trying to hurt them you were just trying to please everyone when, in reality, you should have been truthful and let someone down (gently).

The scary thing about this is that I am 28. Why couldn't I have just told my parents that I was calling in sick because I wanted to go to the party. My parents have said since that they have always supported my decisions.

In my head, I was worried that they would judge me over prioritising my boyfriend, who hasn't treated me right, over my dream of being a dog groomer.

It is all such a mess. They are hurt with my boyfriend too, although this was not his fault. I have thought about ending the relationship with him, as much as it pains me, just to make life easier for now. I don't want to put my parents through anymore upset.

My boyfriend and I had a toxic relationship (on both sides) and we were beginning to work things out and now it has all come crashing down again. It is important to me that my parents like him because I am very family oriented, but I feel like too much damage has been caused now to even try.

Did your parents pay for your course? I don’t really get what it’s got to do with them whether you go or not?

Why don’t they like your boyfriend?

You must have felt under a lot of pressure from all sides to get yourself into this situation. Personally, I’d have left the course early. No need to lie.

I’d just be honest. You’ve done this to try to keep everyone happy, you didn’t set out to hurt anyone. As a mum, I’d feel awful if my child felt they had to lie to make me happy.

I’d examine your relationships with your partner and your parents. You seem beholden to everyone and that’s caused this issue.

I paid for the course. They do not like him because myself and him had a blazing row and I moved back to my parents.

I thought things were over between me and him, and had told them alot about the way he had been treating me from my perspective when I was angry. I hadn't yet heard my partners side of the situation, in which he was angry for the things I did too.

I know that I have made all of this mess but just don't know how to fix it.

I think you'll have to lie low and just get through the next week or so while tempers cool.

Don't make any rash decisions or grand gestures.

But I think you should take the time to consider what you want from your future. Career. Boyfriend. Living arrangements.

If you want to be a dog groomer, then be committed. It was a mistake to miss the class. It shows your parents that you're not committed (not that it's any of their business).

If your relationship with boyfriend is toxic, then end it. For everyone's sake, no one needs the drama.

If you're 28, then maybe it's time to start planning how you're going to move out into your own place. Live independently for a while. It's the best thing you'll ever do.

Don't catastrophise. You've mucked up but time will heal and you'll all be able to move on.

I think apologise to your parents and really think about your priorities and how you can do better in future. It seems like a chronic case of trying to please everyone but lying to avoid conflict.

If you didn't want to miss the party, you should have just been honest with the course runners when they changed the course times and said you had a prior engagement.

But I think personally you should have prioritised the course and let your boyfriend down. If he is a decent man, he'd be disappointed but would understand your changing jobs is more important.

It's not really your parents business if you're skipping classes, but it must have been really upsetting and confusing when they were trying to do a nice thing for you.

I think you need to start trusting that the right relationships will cope with you not doing what they want and a bit of conflict occasionally If they don't, they're not that great anyway.

You need to stop lying to try to please people. Maybe get therapy if you can't.

Well, you've got yourself into a right pickle hear and all because of a man.

I think the moral of this story is, don't lie to people so you can spend time with your boyfriend however old you are!

And in regard to your parents and taking your boyfriend back, you need to be honest there too.

They may not like him, but that's OK. He can prove himself a good partner to you over time and they will likely come around.

You're 28 you can make your own mistakes romantically.

You've got yourself in a knot trying to please everyone and lied, which is never a good idea. I think your parents are over involved and you could have let the course leaders know that the changed date didn't work as you had plans for a ticketed event.

Plenty of lessons learnt but nothing terrible has happened. Just apologise and explain, the course dates got changed last minute, you didn't think it through and pulled a sickie and things snowballed.

I'd ask the course leader for some catch up work or a summary of the lesson.

Consider how you would manage this if it happened again and also how you'd manage relationship conflicts without bringing in your parents

you made a series of choices that were dishonest and got caught. not a mistake
accept accountability.

It wasn’t a mistake, you made a choice. It was a bad choice. Own the fact that you made it. Apologise to the people you hurt. You won’t get past this kind of stuff unless you stop kidding yourself.

Then take some time to figure out what you want in life. Is the boyfriend really worth all this angst?

It sounds as though you've been trying to please too many people and lost being true to yourself in the process... what do you (not your parents, or boyfriend) want to do with your life (both long and short term)?

It is all such a mess. They are hurt with my boyfriend too, although this was not his fault. I have thought about ending the relationship with him, as much as it pains me, just to make life easier for now. I don't want to put my parents through anymore upset

This stood out to me... 1) because good relationships should be easier than this (and not toxic)... and 2) because if you're happy to end a relationship to please other people it's probably not the right relationship for you (because you don't feel strongly enough about staying).

With regard to your parents, I think there are two things.

One is that it wasn’t just a simple fib, it was outright preplanned deception. Getting dressed in your dog grooming kit and leaving as if you were going to work … that’s some seriously messed up shit. I think you have to own it that your behaviour was way out of line and let them know that you know that.

But the second is that your relationship with your parents is off. Yes you are acting like a truant teenager, but I get the impression they might be infantilising you. Presumably they are worried about you, but you all need to work on getting your relationship onto an adult footing where you can be honest with them and they can trust you, and don’t need to baby you or rescue you.

Acknowledge your mistakes, explain and apologise to anyone you need to. Id be cringing too but it's really not that bad. Main thing is to learn from it. Make the right decisions and be accountable for them in future Then there's no need to tell fibs.

I think in my younger days I would have found myself in similar situations (I’m in my 40s). Trying to please everyone and keep everyone happy and totally messing up.
I was very much bound up in extreme feelings of shame and fear of judgement. That my choices are not good enough. Sometimes deep down maybe the choices are wrong but sometimes they are the right choices but being ashamed/fearful about what others may think about it.
It is easy to fall back into patterns of pleasing your parents/being a child again when you move back home - like you don’t want to get into trouble. Maybe you think they are disappointed in giving up teaching or maybe you are disappointed in yourself.

Also feeling guilty about saying no to plans such as the works do when the change (the course) was out of your control.

I know therapy is suggested a lot but I really think it could be good for you to figure out why you have fallen into this situation - this could be the catalyst you need. Try not to be too hard on yourself but see this as a wake up call. Use it as an opportunity to figure out why you have landed yourself in this situation.

Don’t worry about your age - I’m still doing stupid things as a people pleaser but am working through it - it does take time.

Might sound a bit harsh here, but you are an adult and are responsible for the (bad) decisions you are making and need to take ownership. You are people pleasing and using that as the excuse for everything you’ve done in this situation. You need to take charge of your own life. Stop involving your parents in everything, and start being honest with those around you because you are digging yourself into a deeper hole telling so many lies.

have a serious think about your life and future. Are you really invested in this dog grooming course? If so, then why would you fake sickness to please your boyfriend? You have admitted this relationship hasn’t been the best but you seem to be excusing his behaviour by stating your behaviour also wasn’t the best. Maybe it’s time to call a day in this relationship since it doesn’t seem to be bringing out the best in either of you, and divert your attention and energy into sorting other aspects of your life out; career, self confidence and learning not to be such a people pleaser, as it’s clear this has the effect of making you unhappy.

A letter. And in it be honest about yourself and what you have learnt about how you need to change going forward. You messed up on urself and created drama for sweet fa reason. They will be hurt so apologise and then they will be worried that your life is messy because of these traits. Endlessly supporting you, always there for you and I bet they are emotionally exhausted and worried about you. Grow up OP and take responsibility. Your parents are people as well as parents. I think you’re probably leaning too heavy on them.

I do think that being in a relationship right now is not a good idea.

You need to work on yourself and learn about yourself and why you get yourself in tricky situations and how to stop doing so moving forward.

The things you describe happening in your post have now been and gone and you can't change what happened but you have now learnt that telling lies and being deceptive is not a good idea especially when family are involved!

Your intentions weren't nasty and only minor in inconveniences for others have occurred.

Stop beating yourself up and move forwards.

@DAISYBELLAxx Surely your dog would be already well groomed by you ?!
It seems a strange thing to do for parents to pay for a dog to be groomed by you when he or she is probably immaculate anyway?

My dog loves having her teeth brushed -Grin for the toothbrush-{Pic} but hates having her nails trimmed.

Re the lies....Best to always tell the truth.

Lies get into a tangle pretty quickly, and people then get upset about the lying.

@DAISYBELLAxx If this is the awful man you lied to your parents about and missed the dog grooming for, no wonder your parents are worried.

He sounds an absolute scrote.

You'd be insane to move in with him. Red flags? 🚩 - Too many to list.

Concentrate on the dogs, ditch the cruel man who will just bring future misery.

Seems he moans about you being busy at weekends...is this why you gave up the dog course? to appease this scrote? That's so sad.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5212183-break-up-at-28

I understand the upset/guilt with your parents. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t just say that you couldn’t go to the work do when the date changed? That would have been the sensible thing to do. To me, it sounds like you’re putting your partner’s needs/wants ahead of your own. Speaking from experience, that’s not a good head space to be in at your age.

I’d apologise to your parents and say that you thought you were making the right decision at the time because you felt flustered by the date change, but you now regret it. I’d also take an honest look at why you’re back with your partner and make a list of what you want for your future. Top tip - look after yourself and don’t subjugate your life to your partner’s.

And if it is the guy @oakleaffy linked to, then definitely be rid of him. It doesn’t sound like he’ll bring you happiness. It’s perfectly ok to be by yourself for a while. In fact, it’s positively beneficial. Concentrate on yourself, your training, your hopes and your life.