My Xmas self is incompatible with DH

[Hmmmmnotconvinced]

No matter what we do or how much we pre-empt the load mentally and financially, Christmas always ends up with me running around non stop and him withdrawing then the pair of us losing our closeness due to operating from such different planets for 3 weeks. Hence causing arguments.

DH has no skill or wish to meet friends, have our DD see people who care about her, have a nice house that looks clean and attractive, make nice food. He is not generous so doesn’t buy generously, he has no friends to visit, no parties to attend.
It’s only at this time of year that our fundamental differences are brought into the light.

In normal life when we are both busy with work our differences work well. He is always able to work from home if DD is ill, I am not. He does all of the school drop-offs and pick ups and after school care of DD, making her packed lunches, breakfasts and dinners. He’s brilliant and it all fits together well.

But somehow the Christmas break is always a nightmare because we are so different and I end up rushing around, cooking, tidying, wrapping, organising, cleaning before the next set of visitors and becoming resentful and burnt out.

Recently I had flu which on top of teaching full time in a very high pressures school was absolutely awful. I only had 1 day off throughout the flu and still have residual coughs, eye infections etc but have had no choice but to crack on.

DD then caught it and it affected her heart rate and she was nearly hospitalised. Lots of lost sleep the too. DH then caught it and has taken a whole week off work, has hidden in our bedroom whilst my dad is staying watching TV, reading books and texting me to ask me to check if various deliveries have come while I am downstairs playing fun Christmas games with DD and my dad, cooking meals and cleaning up.

I always want to leave him at this time of year but feel differently when everything goes back to normal.

I feel the same in the summer too. He doesn’t like holidays.

There’s nothing I can really do apart from just mentally detach from him and see it for what it is.

I just hate it that it’s my reality to always have a miserable Christmas.

I have a dh with very different priorities around Christmas and holidays too. We had very different childhood experiences in this regard

As a teacher and mum too I’d ask you to try read this back without putting yourself into it too much.

had no choice. Becoming burnt out. Resentful. There’s nothing I can do

some of this is choice - which is not to say don’t do some of it but it is a lot and something will have to give. Does your husband understand how important it is to you? Does he enjoy it at all? If he’s lazy then it’s very different but he sounds like he likes the break and small scale social activities. Isn’t that ok too? Can you keep to some traditions and ditch the ones which no longer bring you joy? Is your dad staying to help out?

hes dealt with his illness properly and therefore is better. You should do the same. School will cope - they won’t leave kids sitting in a room unattended, will they?

You're not being kind to yourself. It sounds like your Christmas plans are stressful and don't quite work for you. Why don't you scale it back so you're not running around like a headless chicken.
Your husband sounds sensible to take enough time off to feel better. You should have done that too. 💕 Can you cut back on the visits and visitors so that you spend a significant chunk of your holiday relaxing? It sounds like you're not over the flu and need a proper break.

Does he try to meet you in the middle at all, as he knows its important to you?

Reading between the lines of your post, I wonder if you have bought into the fairly recent idea of what Christmas should look like and you are running yourself ragged trying to achieve that? Whilst your husband is content with a much lower key affair?

I'm thinking more about the making the house look attracftive; playing fun Christmas games with your daughter; and a near constant stream of visitors. Because I did Christmas stuff with the children when they were little, obviously put a tree and some decorations up and invited a few people over but this just feels 'more' than that to be causing so much stress/work.

Do you think you could be generating some of the pressure for yourself and could lessen it somewhat?

My partner and I have a similar attitudes towards Christmas and share the load equally bur, if I felt that he was going way above and beyond, tbh, I'd let him get on with it. I wouldn't be taking on some of that load myself.

In short, it sounds like you are creating this situation and stressed that goes with it.

It's the 15th of December and your dad has been with you all week playing Christmas games? I love Christmas, guests, and cooking but that would have me hiding away too tbh.

You both just have different expectations, don't frame it as there being something wrong with him.

Kindly, you are bringing a lot of this on yourself. It is worth taking some time to reflect on which of your expectations are really worthwhile in terms of the joy they bring to you / others and those which are just because you feel they must happen. For example the playing Christmas games with dd now - why? Christmas is still 10 days away! Plus dh is ill, plans might need to adjust anyway in that situation.

you & your dh have different priorities. That’s ok. Either yours are so important to you that you do them anyway, knowing he won’t help because they aren’t important to him, or you could both do a bit of compromise and meet somewhere in the middle. That’s both of you compromising though.

If there were people in my house playing Christmas games all week at this point, I'd be hiding, too!

If you're taking on too much at Christmas then scale back. My DH is not a fan of Christmas, due to childhood trauma and a bad previous marriage he has no positive associations so I don't expect much from him. However I don't run myself ragged doing things I don't enjoy, why do you? I never really understand why people get so stressed about Christmas. If it's not fun, don't do it.

My husband and I have different Christmas expectations etc but we still share the workload.
I buy our kids, colleagues and godchildren/close friends presents and my side of family, he buys his side of family. I buy more here because I love giving gifts and doing it early for postage etc.
He cleans the house and buys the food, I made a spreadsheet we print each year so it's no mental load anymore.
We compromised on one event a week for the 6 week run up to Christmas. E.g. one Christmas movie night plus popcorn, one trip to see lights etc. Every Saturday or Sunday

Eith the expectation that he turns up and is fully present and enjoys it. Any more and he doesn't have to come.

Since scaling back I enjoy it more to be honest.

I end up rushing around, cooking, tidying, wrapping, organising, cleaning before the next set of visitors and becoming resentful and burnt out.

Plan ahead, invite less people, lower your standards and expectations. Let go, chill. Christmas doesn't have to be this stressful.

DH has no skill or wish to meet friends, have our DD see people who care about her, have a nice house that looks clean and attractive, make nice food. He is not generous so doesn’t buy generously, he has no friends to visit, no parties to attend. It’s only at this time of year that our fundamental differences are brought into the light.

Really struggle to understand how a man like this is only a problem at Christmas, surely doing school drop offs and WFH occasionally when DD is sick doesn't make up for the personality you're describing here?

I never really understand why people get so stressed about Christmas. If it's not fun, don't do it.

I completely agree.

Some people celebrate it as a religious festival.

Some people celebrate it as a social/cultural festival.

And some people feel an intense obligation to showcase their domestic, organisational, hosting and parenting skills to create the perfect season.

Only two of those groups seem to actually enjoy it.

Reading between the lines of your post, I wonder if you have bought into the fairly recent idea of what Christmas should look like and you are running yourself ragged trying to achieve that? Whilst your husband is content with a much lower key affair?

This. Look how many women constantly run themselves into the ground for the Christmas period, whilst complaining that their men do hardly anything. If you ask me the men who are like that, have the right idea. Why put so much pressure on your own shoulders? For what exactly? It should not be the cause of so much grief.

If you aren't enjoying something, stop doing it.
I know there is a minimum you need to do in order for your DD to have a nice Christmas, but it sounds like you are doing too much.
I do all the decorating, present buying, wrapping, etc
I buy presents online so I don't have to deal with the shops, I buy my food in ready to cook trays from Iceland. In the oven, put a timer on, out the over, simple.
We are seeing santa at the local farm and the local pub, cheap and still fun.

DH isn't a Christmas person, all I ask is he gets the tree out the loft and pretends to enjoy himself when we see santa. Oh, and doesn't make faces at my family during the one hour visit we have a year.

He also does all school drop offs, pick up, meetings, works hard, does the washing up, cooks lots of meals. I couldn't imagine wanting to divorce him because he isn't a big Christmas person. He is very generous though.

Christmas is one day. A marriage is (hopefully) for life.

It only has to be busy hectic, stressful if you make it that way

Yes this could be wrong but your post comes across a little martyr-ish

A few thoughts..

Have you actually spoken to him about this and asked for his help?
Could you possibly scale back what you're doing, you do have control over that?
Are you like me and often take on too much and more than can comfortably be done?
And have a partner who wants to rest and relax over a break rather than be buzzing and entertaining non stop?

Maybe you could go to them instead of people coming to you, or meet outside anyone's home. Also, for the flu thing, I have to say I'd be like him too if my partners parents were here and I was horribly sick, I would want to hide away from people too.

Sounds like for the most part he is pulling his weight so I think a conversation can be had - look at the priorities, what can be delegated, deleted, or postponed...

Do you think it was a good choice to go to work having the flu, and infect other people? Because you did have a choice. I really dislike people like you. You should have hidden in your bedroom, just like your dh is doing.

Besides, if you have the flu you can’t get out of bed even if you wanted to.

Your plans sound stressful where is the time to actually relax and enjoy yourselves? I have cancelled/rearranged plans for xmas catch ups with several friends because I used to do same as you rush around cleaning, organising, shopping, cooking etc there was no time to just enjoy the build up with my child. Take the pressure off you don't need to say yes and do everything there must be some jobs you can delegate to your partner

Me too. And I love Christmas.

It sounds like you want him to be just like you. Never a good thing in a marriage. It will make you both miserable. You need to accept him for who he is, and if you can't, then that's it.

I have some virus thing this year. My Dh has been off work for over a week: Not one light up, no tree, no decorations. I'm a tiny bit annoyed but not LTB annoyed! I had to cancel our Christmas party on Friday. I've been in bed since Wed and I think DH is annoyed with me. I went to my niece's birthday yesterday, which just involved sitting in a car and then eating nice food in their house - but now I'm much worse again. I wish I hadn't gone, I shouldn't have gone, it's going to take me ages to get back to where I was. Your DH is doing the right thing. Your way of doing things isn't necessarily the best.

All of this.
Spread meeting people out over weeks rather than days with quiet days in between.
Meet people away from the house at a restaurant/ cafe. Let professionals do the catering. Go home to a calm house.
Shop at COOK if you have to entertain at home. Buy everything.Big lasagne,garlic bread, salads, pavlova for pudding. Get those that didn't do the cooking part do the tidying.
Your child can tidy up after herself. Toys have a defined place to go. She does that bit. You get the hoover and do that bit. TV on ,chill out.
Forget the forced fun of Christmas 'things' that have to be ticked off. You are not living in instagram.
Accept that your husband doesn't do Christmas. The enormous amount of child-weight he is doing with school runs and pick ups and being at home for sickness days far outweighs the naff matching pjs bullshit of Christmas these days.

Hello. I hear where you’re coming from. Christmas can be such a weird time and we all respond differently. Sometimes we are trying to make up for Christmases
we didn’t have in our childhood (or alternatively trying to reproduce good times), are caught up in ideas of what it ‘should’ look like or maybe even love the whole organising and jollyness of Christmas. I think it’d be worth thinking about what it means to you and your husband and why. No one is right or wrong and it’s maybe about trying to find a middle ground. It sounds like it’s not fun for either of you and maybe for different reasons. Can you have a honest conversation about it and work out a way forward? Can you scale things back? Can he sort out presents for his side of the family? Do you have to invite so many people round? Meet outside the house for a hot choc and walk. We have Christmas at my sisters and we all buy and cook a bit of the meal. No presents for grown ups apart from our parents. Takes out so much stress and works for us. We book the odd pantomime but mostly do stuff that doesn’t cost. Friends are on the same page. We meet up with some and others we’ll see in Jan. Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope things get easier for you. Best wishes.

Kindly, you bring most of this on yourself by trying to force a big Christmas on someone who clearly isn’t interested. It’s 15 December. I LOVE Christmas but if someone was forcing festive fun on me already I’d be hiding as well.

You say he doesn’t like holidays. Maybe he just likes relaxing and not rushing around, making plans and being a bit manic (because tbh your plans do sound manic).

Christmas in particular should really be about family and doing things together - not one of you manically running around forcing fun and socialisation on everyone else. Find a middle ground. Be a unit.

Why is your dad staying while your husband is sick?
I would cancel any overnight guests in such a situation.