My Xmas self is incompatible with DH

[Hmmmmnotconvinced]

No matter what we do or how much we pre-empt the load mentally and financially, Christmas always ends up with me running around non stop and him withdrawing then the pair of us losing our closeness due to operating from such different planets for 3 weeks. Hence causing arguments.

DH has no skill or wish to meet friends, have our DD see people who care about her, have a nice house that looks clean and attractive, make nice food. He is not generous so doesn’t buy generously, he has no friends to visit, no parties to attend.
It’s only at this time of year that our fundamental differences are brought into the light.

In normal life when we are both busy with work our differences work well. He is always able to work from home if DD is ill, I am not. He does all of the school drop-offs and pick ups and after school care of DD, making her packed lunches, breakfasts and dinners. He’s brilliant and it all fits together well.

But somehow the Christmas break is always a nightmare because we are so different and I end up rushing around, cooking, tidying, wrapping, organising, cleaning before the next set of visitors and becoming resentful and burnt out.

Recently I had flu which on top of teaching full time in a very high pressures school was absolutely awful. I only had 1 day off throughout the flu and still have residual coughs, eye infections etc but have had no choice but to crack on.

DD then caught it and it affected her heart rate and she was nearly hospitalised. Lots of lost sleep the too. DH then caught it and has taken a whole week off work, has hidden in our bedroom whilst my dad is staying watching TV, reading books and texting me to ask me to check if various deliveries have come while I am downstairs playing fun Christmas games with DD and my dad, cooking meals and cleaning up.

I always want to leave him at this time of year but feel differently when everything goes back to normal.

I feel the same in the summer too. He doesn’t like holidays.

There’s nothing I can really do apart from just mentally detach from him and see it for what it is.

I just hate it that it’s my reality to always have a miserable Christmas.

Sounds like you need to take out of his book......you might actually get to enjoy Christmas then.

We don't have kids but I also have a DH with totally different Xmas expectations to me! I see as an opportunity for lots of family time, making a point of catching up with family and friends and really get into the spirit- love cooking and hosting. For DH who grew up with divorced parents and some other complex issues, Xmas was go to the pub and get pissed the night before, spend the day with a hangover but get up in time for a roast at 5pm... not even presents!

What we've done over the years and what you need to do, is agree a meeting in the middle point, which he must participate in.

So buying gifts for family (who buy lovely gifts for us)- minimum standard.
Socialising with family on 25th/26th- minimum standard.
One occasion of hosting in our house over the festive period- minimum standard.

The agreement is, he gets properly involved in the things we agree are the basics- so he's chosing the gifts for his family, he's joining in socially and when we host he fully helps with the cooking/cleaning etc. Turns out he was just overwhelmed at the amount I wanted to do and was basically seeing his "out" as minimal participation in everything. When we talked, I explained what parts were important to me and why and we talked about what parts it was important to me that he included. He also told me which parts he enjoyed and what he thought was overkill. Over the last couple of years he's really embraced it and it's a genuine 50/50 effort.

If I want to go over and above that, it's on me! I can suggest and discuss it with him beforehand and he will tell me how he feels about it. I've generally found that he's totally switched off by a full schedule of socialising of distant relatives he doesn't know and wants some downtime after Xmas. I've also found that the more choice he has, the more willing a participant he is.

So he's free to chose not to socialise with family after 26th- I usually hop round visiting people and he declines this but we usually have a get together with one particular side of the family before NY that he's keen to come to and enjoys. He also made the suggestion a few years ago that we have a Christmas date night in the run up to Christmas, which has now become a lovely tradition.

We both now look forward to Christmas whereas previously he would dread me wanting to drag him round everywhere and I would be disappointed with him not being a jolly participant!

I just hate it that it’s my reality to always have a miserable Christmas

Your version of Christmas probably makes him miserable too.

Why not sit down early in the new year and decide on a couple of non negotiable each.

Examples - no overnight guests at all in December, but day visits fine. One Christmas event as a family out somewhere. Christmas day just the three of you etc.

It sounds like you invite the people (or at least don't put them off coming) and then resent hosting them.

If you are doing more than you want to then scale it back. If you want to invite lots of different family and friends and your husband would rather not then I don't think it's unreasonable that you do the lions share of the work.

You too could get most of your Xmas shopping done in a couple of hours online - you don't have to be dashing round shops if you don't want to. I'm buying toys, clothes, toiletries, gift vouchers, chocolates, theatre vouchers. I've done it all online except I will physically pick up the chocolate when I go food shopping if I don't do an online food shop.

Your husband sounds like wrapping the gifts could be up his street so perhaps you could order gifts and he could wrap them.

If he is "not generous" and you have separate money just tell him what he owes you for his half of the present buying.

If you and your husband dont tend to buy gifts for each other you could treat yourself. I've had my annual splurge at Boots for my xmas and I must tell my husband to treat himself to something with a budget of arround £100 too (we share finances).

You too could take the time you need off if you have flu. Your school existed before you and it will exist after you are gone. Will the senior leadership be by your bedside for long if you give yourself a heart attack/ chronic fatigue/ a breakdown working while you are sick - I doubt it.

Cut corners on the things that are chores to you and the things you like and that you choose to do you need to own it. So if you are cleaning the house because you wanted your friends round own it. If you don't want to clear up don't invite them. Obviously your husband should treat the place with the usual respect and it would be nice of him to help but you can't expect him to blitz daily for daily visitors that he would rather not have.

I saw a countdown episode once that said there is a word for cleaning up madly before visitors. It's "scurryfunge" I believe. I can clean more in an hour before visitors than I do in a week otherwise.

Edit to say perhaps mark on your calendar some duvet days or movie nights and if anyone asks "you're busy".

In normal life when we are both busy with work our differences work well.

Are you actually compatible?
Or is it more of a case that you get on but it’s more transactional and are so busy that you don’t actually spend much down time together.

Lots of people have different ideas around Xmas.
You need to both try and compromise.

You need to do less and not have such rigid expectations of Christmas and he needs to do more to help take the job pressure of.

E.g. You can do the shopping and cooking but he can do the washing up and helping with the wrapping.

Yes.
OP's husband would be a suitable match for myself, as is my own of twenty years.
OP, be kind to yourself.
I'm sure there is space for each of you to have your own expectation of Christmas.

Does he actually want all these people visiting?

It sounds like seven versions of hell to me.

I can hear an unspoken "he should step up" in your post. No, he doesn't have to, it's not his vision of a good Christmas.

Are you jealous that he gets to have his idea of Christmas? Is this more your needs aren't being met?

It doesn't sound like you're that good as partners the rest of the year, tbh. He sounds more like your aupair than lover/husband/true love of your life.

Simplify it, you could take some tips from the autism society's checklist for a simple celebration. Lots of people with autism struggle with christmas so simplify it, these tips will help you both enjoy it without getting overwhelmed.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/christmas-resources

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/leisure/christmas/tips

Edited to say I know ops dh doesn't have autism but suggested a pared down neurodiverse christmas tips to help

Sounds like your Christmas of running around, tidying and cooking is his every day which you waved off as “He is always able to work from home if DD is ill, I am not. He does all of the school drop-offs and pick ups and after school care of DD, making her packed lunches, breakfasts and dinners..”

I think he sees Christmas as a time reduce all this?

You don’t need to invite all these visitors. You’re creating your own frantic and stressful situation and then feeling resentful about it. Just stop with the need to feel busy all the time and try to relax.

You might be a bit of a workaholic what with your DH doing all the daily childcare, all the cooking and always adjusting his work schedule whenever your DD is ill. With you thinking you have no choice but to crack on when you have the flu- you do have a choice. You could go to bed for a week and get properly well. You could have cancelled visitors due to flu in the house as well.

I’m probably more like your DH and my DH is a bit like you.

He goes overboard on decorating the house (lost count of the number of Xmas tress and lights) and I don’t wish to host any visitors, it’s just the 3 of us for Christmas every year.

I think for your own sanity you need to learn to compromise more and scale back your expectations?

As everyone has suggested:

1. switch to online shopping & either ask dh to wrap or select a gift wrapping service. Select a supermarket food delivery slot & order the food online.

2. suggest meeting people for a restaurant christmas catch up so you don't have to do hosting. Dh can attend or not depending on how he feels & your house remains a peaceful sanctuary for you all.

3. no Parent will thank you for infecting their kids with flu the week before Christmas so take the time off & recover. Do not be a martyr, you won't get a gold medal for it.

4. delay Christmas activities & celebrations at home until the school term ends as you're more likely to enjoy it. Give yourself a proper break and leave all the christmas related activities until you finish work on the 20th of Dec.

5. The whole family should sit & plan a simple Christmas for 2025 so that everyone gets the celebration they want.

It sounds like you’re annoyed with him for not breaking his neck to deliver the Christmas YOU want.

This is exactly how I viewed the OP. Sounds like she doesn't appreciate what her husband is doing all year but resents him for wanting some down time over Christmas.

I think that this year for everyone’s sake you have to put your Christmas Self on the Shelf..:
Badoom Tish…
Seriously… Settle down. Everyone’s been sick. You don’t need to hit a party of superspreaders just partying their tiny little brains out like their lives depend on it just “cos it’s Chrismuzzzz” and bringing it home to DD when she’s just better. Stay home. Watch shit movies and eat shit food. Maybe next year, DH will want to compromise and come out and play a little bit.

Just do what you can do yourself without getting overworked - it's unreasonable to give work / make demands of other people to make things more how you like them and less like they like them

Or if it's really important, talk to your DH to help him understand that whilst it seems daft to him it really matters to you - equivalent to buying you sone flowers

I think that there needs to be some sort of compromise.

You are doing too much- I felt stressed reading all that. are you under pressure because you think that everybody else is doing fabulous parties for everyone ? They aren’t! They hire staff and photographers to make things look perfect. Are all of these people that you are running around for inviting you back every other year ?Do you enjoy yourself when they come to yours or are you running around getting food /drinks and seeing mess? It’s time for you to scale down and consider what makes Christmas happy for you.

Your h isn’t unreasonable to want to chill (especially when ill) and I think that a lot of people would hide in their bedrooms some of the time if their IL was staying for the week. I would be having a frank conversation and saying that you know that you and him have different expectations from Christmas but you’d appreciate the normally supportive him doing some jobs for you to make things easier. He can work out the least objectionable jobs.

Thanks all. Apparently I’m the bad guy.
I’ll chat with DH tonight and apologise.

Still not sure how not to stress but I’ll work on it!
thank you for the honest pov. It’s unanimous I’m a stress head
martyr. Must work on it!

You just want your magical Christmas, it's understandable. Doesn't make you bad, just it's probably been good for you to have a different perspective offered up.

Problem is that you would have needed to marry a Christmas person for that to be a joint enterprise.

But the men may like all the Christmas stuff, they just expect someone else to do it. They don't actually think it's not important, they just don't want to do it.

Mine doesn't, and it doesn't sound like OP's does either. For men who want a lovely Christmas but on no effort you're correct but that's not always the case.

Most men don't actually care.

And I'm with them.

I don't recognise the Christmases I read about on here with endless hosting, elves on shelves, Christmas Eve boxes, 3+ course meals and whatever else people do.

It's a few days off work and time to do as little as possible as far as I'm concerned.

Don't be so dramatic 🙄

No one is the bad guy. That's the point. But the way you are doing things isn't making you happy so perhaps it's time to consider changing it. That is all anyone has said.

I think most men are like this to be fair. My DH has no interest in Christmas but will do what I like to do but it’s only because he loves me; not Christmas. For example I was stressing about the house because I’m so busy this week and he cleaned all downstairs whilst I cleaned upstairs. He has no interest in presents apart from mine, he probably only knows the football related stuff I’ve got for our son but that’s just the way he is. He’s makes more of an effort than he would if he wasn’t with me and I take on 90% of the mental load at Christmas but it’s ok to be different. It should’ve be causing arguments and I think you need to accept your DH’s attitude to Christmas as much as you want him to accept yours

This is mostly ok, but it’s not ok to not care whether your son gets Christmas presents or not, knowing that every other child he has ever met will be getting them. That’s not ‘not bothered’ that’s just plain old shit dad territory. I make mine contribute to present thinking, especially for his family.

6 weeks!!! Bloody hell.....I'd be fed up of Christmas before it was even Christmas Eve.