My Xmas self is incompatible with DH

[Hmmmmnotconvinced]

No matter what we do or how much we pre-empt the load mentally and financially, Christmas always ends up with me running around non stop and him withdrawing then the pair of us losing our closeness due to operating from such different planets for 3 weeks. Hence causing arguments.

DH has no skill or wish to meet friends, have our DD see people who care about her, have a nice house that looks clean and attractive, make nice food. He is not generous so doesn’t buy generously, he has no friends to visit, no parties to attend.
It’s only at this time of year that our fundamental differences are brought into the light.

In normal life when we are both busy with work our differences work well. He is always able to work from home if DD is ill, I am not. He does all of the school drop-offs and pick ups and after school care of DD, making her packed lunches, breakfasts and dinners. He’s brilliant and it all fits together well.

But somehow the Christmas break is always a nightmare because we are so different and I end up rushing around, cooking, tidying, wrapping, organising, cleaning before the next set of visitors and becoming resentful and burnt out.

Recently I had flu which on top of teaching full time in a very high pressures school was absolutely awful. I only had 1 day off throughout the flu and still have residual coughs, eye infections etc but have had no choice but to crack on.

DD then caught it and it affected her heart rate and she was nearly hospitalised. Lots of lost sleep the too. DH then caught it and has taken a whole week off work, has hidden in our bedroom whilst my dad is staying watching TV, reading books and texting me to ask me to check if various deliveries have come while I am downstairs playing fun Christmas games with DD and my dad, cooking meals and cleaning up.

I always want to leave him at this time of year but feel differently when everything goes back to normal.

I feel the same in the summer too. He doesn’t like holidays.

There’s nothing I can really do apart from just mentally detach from him and see it for what it is.

I just hate it that it’s my reality to always have a miserable Christmas.

I haven't RTFT but my God, I'd piss off to bed for the duration too if I had in-laws downstairs playing fun Christmas games 10 days before the main event.

Christmas is supposed to be fun. I buy some shit in late November and stick it under the bed and in the loft, we wrap it in a few evenings mid December over a bottle of sherry and pop it under the tree.
Everyone wakes up, opens said shit and eats some shit we heated up from M&S. Christmas done. Any visitors can take us as they find us or fuck off.

This is a massive bollix.

cancel it all. Let all of your expectations go and spend the time tipsy in the canaries.

sorted.

if you’re thinking “no no but you don’t get it”
then it is absolutely 💯 on you.

Your husband spends most of the year cooking and running round after his child so probably looks forward to having a bit of quieter time at Christmas. He is doing the right thing in taking time up recover when he is ill. If he doesn't, who will do the drop offs, pick ups , cooking, packed lunches after school care if he takes longer to recover. You should learn from him and do the same when you are ill. No one is indispensable. Even teachers. Christmas is supposed to be fun.

Awk come on @Codlingmoths I didn’t say that. I said he knows the football related stuff he’s got mainly because he picked them with me. The rest of his stuff I got myself mostly of Amazon.

He sounds like an antisocial, miserable bore. Definitely LTB.

Holidays and family time are what’s important. You can get some hired help for the year eg nanny, babysitter, cleaner. That’s all he’s doing for you really.

Yabu for not taking more time off with flu.
You can't expect him to organize the mental load of stuff he's not intersted in
However I imagine you often do things 'for' him so he should do some things 'for' you too

Ps wanting to leave him whenever you're not both working full time doesn't bode well for retirement why don't you leave him sooner and find someone who you like more

I'm stressed just reading the op. Tell everyone you're all poorly, have a lovely 3 days relaxing, watching telly, eating nibbles and make your own Family Christmas. Turn all phones off for three days.

Pick a day after Christmas, invite everyone round, from 2-6pm. Come and go as they please. Then after 6pm, everyone buggers off.

The aim is to have a lovely flexible restful time just the three of you. No organising or putting extended family first.

Holidays should also be restful. Its a chance to have a break, not fill with more stuff to do.

See for me and DP. We are more in sync at Christmas (except he can’t wrap for shit, so pays my sister to do it) everything else we work together pretty well. He takes the dc to light shows etc (I find the, extremely boring) he decorates the outside, I do the inside. We are well oiled team at Christmas.

But why does he not do more? Knowing it would be awful for your kid if it wasn’t done, but you just have to do it. It’s such a facilitated parent life and he gets to say oh Christmas just isn’t my thing, when every good parent puts some thought in for Christmas whether it’s their thing or not.

if you’re sick, or burnt out, does your child still get a Christmas? We have 3 dc and I work full time so I’d be totally burnt out if dh didn’t do a lot.

OP, it sounds like DH likes routine and the holidays (Xmas and summer) is a change in routine. He is home most of the time, it is usually his peaceful place. Then the holidays come , routine is gone and he has to socialise, travel and be around people more than he would like.
It is his home too, try and make it so that between you, you all get a little bit of your preferred choices.

We can’t really no how much you’re doing and expecting that could be very reasonably dropped, but the answer is probably going to involve both scaling way back and also your DH stepping up some. Ideally the two of you are sharing the load but you also need to find a compromise on what that load is.

Analogy: I love food and trying new restaurants at a variety of price points, and so set aside a fairly significant budget for that. I have a friend who just does not share that enthusiasm and sees expensive restaurants as a waste of money she’d rather be spending on something else. But we enjoy each other’s company so still go out. If we pick a place together that seems a reasonable price point to both of us then each order a main and a beer then it’s perfectly fair to split the tab. If instead I show up and order 2 starters, the most expensive main on the menu and a dessert, or decide that trying some Michelin star place is what we need to do (knowing she would never choose something that pricy) then expect her to pick up half the tab at the end of the meal then it’s very much not fair.

Your DH is sensible staying in bed where he can't infect anyone else.

You've infected a whole school full of people and nearly put your daughter in hospital.

If the person who gave it to you had stayed in bed like your DH, you wouldn't have got sick in the first place.

Hmmmm from reading this, I'd say your husband has behaved sensibly when he has the flu and you haven't. You DID have a choice over going to work. You could have had a week off if you needed it.

Why would you take “bad guy” from the posts? Why do you need to apologise?

Bear in kind that many MNers are your DH - introverted, social awkward, few friends, hate socialising, don’t answer the phone or the front door etc so that is the context to some of these comments.

It’s true that you’re over achieving and going overboard, but he needs to step up too. He didn’t have to be a social king but recognise he has a child for whom Christmas is a big deal and he’s just tuning out. A grown up conversation needs to be had not an apology. Some kind of compromise.

Absolutely this. A few decorations, presents for close family and a few nights out but other than that it’s a couple of days off work to chill on my pjs binge watching box sets I’ve missed.

While I think PPs have some good points about lowering some expectations.... I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to socialise together with your spouse or to exchange presents at this time of year. It sounds like your H has problems doing both of those, and he would ideally make more of an effort.

It sounds like you also want a DH who is responsive to you, seeing what needs done and getting on with it. My DH is not like this either and it's very tedious.

Really nice adding in she’s put her daughter in hospital. She had no options but to parent her daughter so that seems a bit low?

You did have a choice to take time off when ill, you just chose not to and kept yourself overly busy instead.
I agree that your husband took it to another extreme, staying in bed with flu is fine, texting you about deliveries etc. is rude and cheeky when in the state of reading books.

Strange resurrection of an old thread?

Yep! Especially on Easter Sunday!
But just to chime in, if the roles were reversed op would be accused of 'Disney dadding' the dh is doing all the day to day childcare stuff- school runs, meal planning, childcare when they're sick, etc... op swoops in to do all the fun holiday stuff and this makes the dh the problem?!