Is ignoring the best option with this man?

[Laureolaaa]

I've been getting some unwanted attention from a friend of a friend. I've made it very clear to him that I am in a relationship and not interested. I tried to block him but he found a way to contact me and was crying on voice notes saying he just wanted to be my friend and that was very cruel for blocking him.

I tried to keep the conversation friendly but he kept crossing the line into sex talk or romantic talk. I started ignoring him instead, just not replying to any messages at all. I've been leaving his messages either unread or on read. I had to change my profile photo the other day and he immediately sent me a voice note saying how much he loved my photo and he was thinking about me a lot, all very affectionate. He said he'd have to forgive him if he decided to message me more 'in the run up to the big days' 🙄

Should I just keep ignoring and hoping he will get the message and move on? (It's been a couple of months already since I started ignoring him). Or shall I send a message reinforcing that I'm not interested / ask him to stop messaging me ?

I'm not interested in being friends with him but Blocking him is not an option because of how strongly he reacted last time and he is a friend of a friend. I know he will try and contact me via other means, or via our shared contacts, and he'll be almost hysterical, and I really really really don't want to deal with that.

Please don't just reply and say I should block as it's not an option. I'd like to know if you would continue to ignore him, or whether you'd say something, and if so, what?

It doesn't have to be "stalking levels" to go to the police. He's already harassing you

OP, I was harrassed by a former friend a few years ago. I originally typed stalked but changed it as it wasn't really accurate

An acquaintance of mine reported him to the police. I had no idea but, although his contact with me had stopped, he was threatening people who spoke to me. It was just nonsense really - telling them that, of they spoke to me, they would no longer be his friend and, of they weren't his friend, he couldn't guarantee their safety.

I'd also had a new phone and only had 3 or 4 messages on it which didn't really convey the intensity of his messaging beforehand - they just read (to me) like a lonely man desperate not to lose a friendship.

Anyway the police contacted me to come in for an interview and, I have to say, were absolutely brilliant. They took it very seriously.

You've told him not to message you, therefore he's been 'verbally blocked' by you anyway. Why not just block him? I don't understand the difference?

I presume it's because the bloke has no intention of not harassing the OP. So if he chooses not to contact her, that's fine. But if he can't contact her - because she's blocked him - then he kicks off. Presumably because he likes the control element of knowing he can message her at any time, despite her telling him to stop.

Which is exactly why OP should block him.

Well who cares if he has a meltdown? That's his problem. I'm so sick of men like this trampling all over women's boundaries and some women thinking that they have to acquiesce so as not to rock the boat. He would soon stop if you blocked him and then reported him to the police if he found another way of contacting you.

I very much agree with those saying that his fury at being blocked is about control. He has that at the moment because he can send a message any time he wants. I wouldn't be surprised if his "pleasure" in this is knowing that you are discomforted by his contact.

This is not a nice man OP and you should give no care to the feelings of someone who (really clearly) doesn't care about yours, quite the opposite. I would also tell your partner and mutual friend exactly what's happened.

This!!

Blocking him is the only option!

And if your 'friend' thinks you putting boundaries in place for harassment, they're not much of a mate are they?

Sounds like you are leading him on because you can’t be straight to the point and won’t block him .

Longer term, and I say this gently, OP you really need to work on why conflict or even the prospect of conflict is so uncomfortable and difficult for you. We all need to be able to say no at times and hold firm to what we want, even if the other person gets upset. That's life.
I hope you find a resolution to this man, he sounds unhinged and highly controlling.

By not blocking him you are accepting some responsibility for his behaviour. That's a big mistake. You don't owe him anything and if he has a meltdown for being blocked that's on him.

Sorry that this happened to you. I'm glad that it sounds like it resolved and the police responded well.
I guess this is the exact situation I want to avoid however. Hopefully my last message was enough to draw the boundary clearly for him. Polite but firm and hopefully he will just move on now. If he doesn't then I will consider reporting him and I will of course block him at that stage.
I can see that he hasn't read it yet though.

Hmm yes it's worth reflecting on, thanks.

I really value harmony and good relationships. If I can get the outcome I want while also keeping things harmonious then I massively prefer that to creating havoc and then having to deal with all the repercussions. I consider the former more skillful. I don't think there's anything wrong with that approach and it's pretty standard isn't it? You ask nicely and if it's not respected then you take the more nuclear option.

The problem here is that I was manipulated into putting up with crappy behaviour and boundary crossing for longer than I should have, and I should have been clearer in drawing the line and then implementing the consequences.

Tbh, I felt a huge sense of relief after speaking to the police!

The problem is that you're trying to play nice and be reasonable with someone who isn't. You're expecting him to respect social conventions he is intentionally ignoring.

In my case, the police regarded him threatening other people as his continued harassment of me even though I knew nothing of it as it was designed to isolate me.

The point I'm trying to make really is that I had absolutely no control over how he behaved or responded. Those were all of his own choice and doing. I asked the police not to take it any further with regards to me (they had talked about contacting and warning him but I'd personally heard nothing from him for about 5 months by that point) but obviously how they responded to the threats towards my acquaintance was separate from that. They recorded it as a crime and gave me a reference number in case I needed it.

They agreed upon the promise that, if I had any further contact from him, I'd inform them.

You've made your position with regards to him quite clear now and hopefully sense will kick in for him. But, if not, please do report it
.

Why is it your problem if he has a meltdown?

From what you've said, you're not blocking him because you're afraid of him. You're afraid of how he'll react.

You need to talk to the police.

I get you value 'harmony and good relationships' - most people do.

This individual isn't well, your current approach is for someone who is (at least mostly) well.

I am worried that you won't recognise when he is an actual danger to you. He may or may not be now. It doesn't feel like you even know him that well to say.

You aren't keeping 'harmony and goodness' in your relationship with your partner - you're hiding something important from him and I think you need to consider if he is identifiable through the social media posts where the harrasser is finding you and could be targeted as well in some sort of jealousy situation.

There is no harm in calling the police, sketching out the behaviour, and taking some advice. They can't force to you identify the person.

Alternatively, you could try one of the charities that helps victims of stalkers and see what their steer is on it and how to handle it.

For goodness sake, don't change your phone number because of this guy.

Gather the strength to block him, seriously.

OP, don't take offence at me asking this, but do you think the earlier conversations you had with this man whilst innocent from your end could be construed by your partner as leading him on? Is that why you aren't telling your partner? Are you worried about his reaction on top of having to deal with this horrible stalker?

I've had this situation a few times in the past with men in my expanded friends circle messaging "innocently" under pretext of shared group interests but then leading in to stalking behaviour and the only thing that ended it was my partner or another close male like my brother being very "present" for a while on my social media - so only photos of us together, partner or brother commenting on my posts a lot etc and of course blocking.

In a couple of the cases the men were physically around in the wider friend group so my partner/brother/other actual male friends would meet me at gigs or pick me up etc

It's really really important you tell your mutual friends what is going on. This man is a danger to women.

Others have put the links to stalking support, it's also really important you talk to them and get expert help where you can open up completely - they will have seen it all and they have strategies.

Please don't try and handle this alone. One of my earliest stalkers actually killed someone a couple of years after I moved away from his town. Another one physically attacked his ex girlfriend. These men must be taken seriously when they cross the line.

Keep yourself safe. You can also report him to Facebook etc

I've also started to drop male friends of friends from my social media entirely because it's happened too many times now to not notice a pattern.

I'm sorry it's so horrible. Please tell your close friends and get support.

This.

@Laureolaaa

National Stalking Helpline online tool 'Am I Being Stalked?'

This charity has a quiz you can take which I think will help you assess where this individual is on the scale of things and what they recommend.

All best to you.

This!

He doesn’t get to call the shots. Why does he think he can message more coming up to Christmas? If he continues, take action.

We often minimise disgraceful and manipulative behaviour from men because we are trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, think we are overreacting (because they are telling us we are), have maybe turned to this man in friendship in a moment of vulnerability and now feel obliged to him, have been hearing about HIS mental health so now feel that we have to caretake his emotional health...
and fear, so much of it is fear.
We minimise because the truth is devastating. And terrifying.

OP, can you define what you mean by @he had a meltdown”? I’m pressing the point because it can help to define the problem/behaviour.

You think handling this in a softly softly way is the best, most intelligent, way, but it's not. You can't reason with freaks like this many, they need very clear and strong "fuck off and never contact me again" type messages, not this wet please this and please that. Stop being nice and kind and treat him as the potential danger that he is. Forget nicely asking or negotiating, tell him "I don't want any sort of friendship or relationship with you. Do not contact me in any way ever again". Tel your friends and your partner what's happening, and if he contacts you again go straight to the police. I can't get my head around why you haven't told your partner already (unless your messages to him could be seen as less that offputting)!

@PylaSheight totally agree.
If this guy was in any way reasonable he would have backed off when he was blocked (pretty clear message) but instead had a "meltdown" that in some way impacted on the OP who gave in and unblocked him.

Some people are not to be reasoned with and need the iron fist not the velvet glove.

Another message to recommend going to the police. I understand the hesitancy to do this as I've been there, but in the end it was the only thing that stopped it. We're socially conditioned to be "nice" but this is harassment and not within normal behaviour, and sadly some men will never listen to what we are telling them. I used to think things like "This clearly isn't normal behaviour, so I don't know what he's capable of and that scares me."

The police were very good with me, I rang the non emergency number to log the harassment and they suggested sending him a text from the police to inform him there'd been a report of harassment from that number. I was worried he wouldn't know what it was in reference to but as the call handler said to me "they always know". He went quiet for a few days then messaged again. The police told me to contact them if he did and they served him a two year injunction in person. That's the only way it stopped. I was worried he'd try again after the two years but thankfully he didn't.

You don't deserve to have your mental health and general life affected in this way by him, please consider it. One thought that helped me was that it would be logged that he had harassed me so that if any other unfortunate women got in touch in the future (or indeed if any already had previously) they would be able to see it wasn't an isolated incident.