Is ignoring the best option with this man?

[Laureolaaa]

I've been getting some unwanted attention from a friend of a friend. I've made it very clear to him that I am in a relationship and not interested. I tried to block him but he found a way to contact me and was crying on voice notes saying he just wanted to be my friend and that was very cruel for blocking him.

I tried to keep the conversation friendly but he kept crossing the line into sex talk or romantic talk. I started ignoring him instead, just not replying to any messages at all. I've been leaving his messages either unread or on read. I had to change my profile photo the other day and he immediately sent me a voice note saying how much he loved my photo and he was thinking about me a lot, all very affectionate. He said he'd have to forgive him if he decided to message me more 'in the run up to the big days' 🙄

Should I just keep ignoring and hoping he will get the message and move on? (It's been a couple of months already since I started ignoring him). Or shall I send a message reinforcing that I'm not interested / ask him to stop messaging me ?

I'm not interested in being friends with him but Blocking him is not an option because of how strongly he reacted last time and he is a friend of a friend. I know he will try and contact me via other means, or via our shared contacts, and he'll be almost hysterical, and I really really really don't want to deal with that.

Please don't just reply and say I should block as it's not an option. I'd like to know if you would continue to ignore him, or whether you'd say something, and if so, what?

If this character has a massive meltdown because you blocked him, don't you think that he is rather unstable? He's showing no signs of accepting that you are not interested in a relationship or a friendship. You should never have unblocked him after you did, however he reacted, because he is clearly not interested in your boundaries and he's not getting bored. You owe him nothing and you need to hold that in mind.

I would send one clear message; do not contact me again on any platform or I will go to the police. Save everything he sends and write a timeline of what's happened so far. Then stick to it.

Tell the friend that connects you what is going on. That will soon put an end to this madness.

Send a message

• your messages are unwelcome and constitue harassment. I have screenshot/saved them and will be taking them all to the police if you contact me after this message.

I am now blocking you and want no further contact.

Block
Tell you partner & mutual friends of his inappropriate behaviour & ask them not to give information about you to him.

Saying you cannot block is ridiculous and potential puts you in danger.

He's not going to move on quietly he's got you exactly where he wants you dancing on a string.

Why are you tip toeing around a man that has meltdowns if you block him??

If I was your partner I would think that you’re enjoying the attention.

I don’t understand why you’re even friends with this man.

If nothing has worked so far, why do you think anything is going to change now?
He obviously doesn’t get hints.

Either:
Tell him to stop sending inappropriate messages.
Warn him that if he sends another one, he will be blocked.
And then if he does, block him and deal with the short term fall out.

Or
Just ignore every single message from now on and simply don’t read or respond to them.

You are part of the problem here.
You’re the only one who can do anything about it.

Exactly what @IhadaStripeyDeckchair says - let him know you will report any further attempts to contact and block

@Laureolaaa i understand where you’re coming from.

i had similar situation with a school gate dad. Did everything not to ‘make a scene’ as our kids were friends and we knew mutual friends.

we had an argument and I ignored him for months until he got the message.

i didn’t block and still - 5 years later- I get the odd ‘hey- how are you?’ From him. I wish I had blocked because he is annoying and manipulative.

guys like this rely on women not wanting to make a scene or the social conditioning that means we bend over backwards not to upset people.

your guy sounds 100x worse than the pest I had to deal with.

I know you say you can’t deal with the drama- but what actually happened the last time?
if it caused drama with your mutual friends, then they are not your friends.
if his behaviour towards you caused alarm, then you need to escalate this before he does. Involve the police and ask them to tell him to back off.

he is acting up when you take control. He only stopped acting up because he regained control ( you unblocked him and continued speaking to him). Think about that.

send a final message to him saying that you don’t have time for new friends right now and life is very busy. Say you wish him well, but you don’t have anytime to engage with new people. Ask him to stop messaging. Then block.

the drama is his - just ignore

You also sound like you're having conversations with him.

Stop that.

Stop engaging in or entertaining any kind of dialogue.

What the hell am I reading? Tell him to fuck off! If he doesn't fuck off then block! Or just block first. If he's hysterical then it doesn't bother you cos he's blocked! Seriously....what the hell.

Blocking is, in fact, an option and you should tell your friend why you do it. Otherwise Mute him, but tyat won’t protect you so well nor will it make clear to him that he’s unwanted, which is foolish

Agree. OP stop pussyfooting round him and being polite because all that does is keeps the communication channels open.

For whatever reason you don’t want to do the most sensible option of blocking him so you have to tell him he’s not your friend, he’s harassing you and if he doesn’t fuck off immediately then you will be reporting him to the police.

Until you tell him absolutely no more he’ll see it as a green light to keep trying to get a reaction.

And I don’t understand why you’ve not told your partner. He could step in and tell the bloke where to go.

@Laureolaaa

One clear message
I clearly stated to you that if you were to remain on my friends list you were not to attempt any of the below:
1, Speak in a Sexual way
2, Comment on my appearance
3, Engaged in conversation of a romantic nature
You clearly do not respect my boundaries. You have been informed of my romantic status.
If you engage in any of the above behaviours towards me I will have to remove you from all forms of communication. These are my boundaries respect them.

I do feel this may open channels with him to feel he can communicate with you again. Do you need several social media channels in your life?
MN and WhatsApp are enough dramas for me, I know getting rid isn't an option for everyone.

I have sent a message which is a sort of combination of various snippets that people have suggested. I said I don't feel comfortable with him commenting on my appearance or sending affectionate messages. I made clear that I'm not interested in him and that I am too busy for new friendships. I emphasized the importance of my relationship and that I am focussing on other projects. I said I am not interested in communicating with him and asked him not to message me again. Asked him to respect my wishes. Said I wished him well and said I hope he has a nice Christmas and new year.

Let's see what happens.

To people saying maybe I like the drama. NO I absolutely hate it. I don't want this person in my life. I am not a drama person. I live a quiet life and want it to stay that way.

Well done OP. The crucial bit is asking him not to message you again, and you've done it.

Same happened to me. I had my ex and some other guy who took shine to me texting me all the time at the same time. I went to therapy after that break up. I had enough of this, but was scared to block them (yes, cared about their feelings) and it took my therapist to tell me: it's ok to block both of them if they ignore your message not to be contacted, you don't own them anything, you are not responsible for their feelings, it's your right to not be contacted by them and live in peace.
I felt weird, because I was conditioned to be 'nice'.
I did that, and I felt so guilty at the beginning, but then it was a massive relief.
Ex was blocked on everything, some time later I got an email from him, it was the last place I blocked him from.

I hope you will soon have a peaceful time and all this will be in the past.

Hi OP, I don't want to worry you, but I really think you're underestimating how dangerous this man could be.

I strongly advise you to tell the police, your partner and everybody who knows this man. He's showing entitlement to do and say whatever he wants to you, and this rings deafening alarm bells.

Look up Laura Richards' work and podcasts, she specialises in cases involving entitled, manipulative men. She'll give you an insight into how his mind works. Please stay safe.

When you say “had a meltdown” what exactly is that?

To add to this- if he messages again you need to speak to someone. He'd have then gone against your clear wishes and would be a sign it's not possible to deal with him alone.

Good message OP.

Now if he carries on then block him because he’s been warned and you’ve been very clear about it.

I was scared to block someone once so I can understand that.

How did it get to this in the first place? Were you having texting conversations with him that you don’t want your partner to know about?

I think seeing the advice you're being given here as "unhelpful" is missing the point.

There isn't an easy/more pleasant way to do this.

The RIGHT thing to do - to protect yourself - is to send an unequivocal message even if doing that is difficult. And you really do need to protect yourself. This man is very bad news.

Unblocking him the last time might have made things worse for you because he will learn from that that he can control you with his actions. And that's really not good for you long term.

Unfortunately, OP, you are in the clutches of an abuser and the rules of civilised easy engagement don't apply here.

And if you can't swiftly put a stop to it now, you will find it much harder to deal with and nastier and messier when it escalates to the next stage.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be very strong and brave. It's not fair. You don't deserve this. And it is hard. But you must take this seriously. Please tell people around you and your partner. They can give you real life support.

Please contact paladin for advice and support. This is stalking. It’s a crime and can become very dangerous for the victims.

https://www.paladinservice.co.uk

His issue with being blocked is exactly that - his issue. Doubtless he's completely lacking the self awareness to realise that his behaviour triggers the block in the first place.

If he responds again then I'd send him one final message telling him that if he contacts you again then you will block him because he's refusing to accept you don't want to hear from him. And that if he does ignore this boundary then you'll also be contacting the police.

You need to tell your partner and your friends. This is not normal. It's also not your fault.

I don't think it's quite reached stalking levels yet. I do see the potential for that though. Some of the things he's said have been quite creepy. I think his next steps will reveal a lot. He hasn't read the message yet. I imagine he is sleeping in.

With regards the blocking, what I really wish I had been clear about from the beginning was to say "I will take your request not to be blocked into account, but obviously I have ultimate control over my phone and who I allow to contact me".

See, I'm not sure that would have helped and probably would have antagonised him more- he might have spun it as you playing games. You've done the right thing.