Is ignoring the best option with this man?

[Laureolaaa]

I've been getting some unwanted attention from a friend of a friend. I've made it very clear to him that I am in a relationship and not interested. I tried to block him but he found a way to contact me and was crying on voice notes saying he just wanted to be my friend and that was very cruel for blocking him.

I tried to keep the conversation friendly but he kept crossing the line into sex talk or romantic talk. I started ignoring him instead, just not replying to any messages at all. I've been leaving his messages either unread or on read. I had to change my profile photo the other day and he immediately sent me a voice note saying how much he loved my photo and he was thinking about me a lot, all very affectionate. He said he'd have to forgive him if he decided to message me more 'in the run up to the big days' 🙄

Should I just keep ignoring and hoping he will get the message and move on? (It's been a couple of months already since I started ignoring him). Or shall I send a message reinforcing that I'm not interested / ask him to stop messaging me ?

I'm not interested in being friends with him but Blocking him is not an option because of how strongly he reacted last time and he is a friend of a friend. I know he will try and contact me via other means, or via our shared contacts, and he'll be almost hysterical, and I really really really don't want to deal with that.

Please don't just reply and say I should block as it's not an option. I'd like to know if you would continue to ignore him, or whether you'd say something, and if so, what?

Yes

You are right.

OP, when I say ignore him, I mean ignore your feelings to he kind to this man. I don't mean ignore and pretend it isn't happening.

You must tell your partner amd your mutual friend at the very least.

Do you think you could be looking at this the wrong way? You know he is behaving badly by ignoring your wishes, disregarding your feelings and boundaries and then manipulatively crying like a big baby when he can’t get his own way. And being both predatory and creepy at the same time.

Why wouldn’t your friend see his behaviour that way too? If they think his behaviour is acceptable and criticised you for blocking him they aren’t much of a person or friend so why let their opinions prevent you from doing the right thing.

The official advice to anyone who is being harassed or stalked is to not engage at all.

This man is mentally unwell. He will see his begging you not to block him, and you complying as a win. Have you told your friend? Is he doing it to her too? Was he ever really a friend or just preying on vulnerable women who will entertain him?

I'd tell him not to contact you again. Then once you've done that, block. At this point he is harrassing you. You don't owe him polite or friendly chat. I don't see how you could have a friendship with someone who treats you this way anyway. I think ignoring him without calling him out is just going to make him continue to push his luck.

I would block irrespective of the fallout. His response to you blocking him the last time sounds like he's a stalker. I honestly think the way he reacts now, while awful, is insignificant in the scheme of how he'll behave in the future. Imagine how it will ramp up if you and your partner were to ever split up? He won't be in your phone, he'll be at your door!

But if you won't do that, take whichever route eventually leads to blocking. And after that the police. This man sounds like very bad news and you need to protect yourself. Screenshot/save any messages you send him. Show your mutual friend the type of messages he's sending you. But start doing everything you have to to keep yourself safe. Don't minimise what's happening.

Yes OP, the advice last time should have been 'tell him not to contact you again, and if he does, block and report'. Yes, that's what you should do now. Him saying 'I'm sorry but I'm going to message you more in the run up to the big day' is the opportunity to say 'please don't message me again'. He is a nutter and taking your silence as consent. Use your words.

Ignoring is not solving it- he's announced is intention to start contacting you more frequently! You need to say, just once, that you don't want him contacting you. Then he can't argue that he was getting mixed messages or whatever.

Also this. You can't ignore this- it won't go away.

I'd also suggest telling the police if he doesn't stop. I've been on the receiving end of this as have some of my friends and it nearly always escalates to them following you around and turning hateful.

Send him a voice note from you and your partner together telling him to keep away from you or the police will be called.

I told him that I wasn't interested in him romantically or sexually and that I was in a relationship. He said fine but he really wanted us to be friends. I said I don't believe we can be friends. His messages proved this time and again as he kept pushing boundaries. I blocked him because of this. He had a meltdown. He said I was overreacting and he'd promise not to say anything untoward again. I started ignoring him completely. He stopped messaging for the most part and I thought problem solved, but he's popped up again commenting on my profile picture and saying other affectionate things like he's been thinking about me a lot, and that I should expect a few more messages over the Christmas period. That was several days ago and I have ignored it but I'm wondering whether to send something to tell him not to message me. I don't want to start a dialogue with him though. He is extremely manipulative.

What I want: I want him to accept that I'm not interested and move on gently WITHOUT him having a meltdown, contacting me on different platforms, and causing me a massive headache, which will happen if I try and block him. I can't really emphasize enough how I need this to happen without all the drama and histrionics as I can't deal with it. This is why people saying block him is extremely unhelpful.

Okay @Laureolaaa now I understand.

Please remember your mental health is the most important mental health to consider in this situation.
Sounds like you had a lot to deal with the last time you blocked him. Unfortunately this will be learnt behaviour by him. That pulling these episodes will have got him what he wants in the past. He will know one episode to far you will cut him of completely as others will have in the past.
This is not a you failing. This is a failing of alot of factors that have come before.

You sound tired fed up and frustrated by this.
Is getting a new number an option and not sharing it? Using a generic profile or no profile pic, then pretend he has a wrong number if he contacts you somehow. And block that way.

You could try sending a message and if he contacts you block him as that is what you have told him you will do.
You just need to remember that he may use his MH as a weapon against you again.

He sounds unhinged.

Blocking is always an option. You are not responsible for his inability to manage his own emotions

If your friend is a genuine friend then he or she should be concerned about his behaviour, and understand completely why you want to block him.

If there's a melt down and a fallout then that's not your fault or for you to deal with. But if your friend is hassling you to try and keep the peace, and making excuses, then you need have a think. Why is it OK for you to feel upset and uncomfortable and harassed, but we can't possibly upset the man who is consistently overstepping boundaries and who refuses to take no for an answer?

Have you told all the people around you what this man is doing? I would do that as a first step. You will need support to deal with this.

"Please don't tell me to do what I know i should do but choose not too because I can't think for myself"

You know very well what to do

Respond saying you'll go to the police if he contacts you by any means ever again

Then contact the police, and tell them that you've been stalked and that you have asked him clearly to desist. Get it logged, and follow their advice at every step

And tell the friends you have in common about his dreadful behaviour

Shine the brightest light you can on his behaviour. Slow fade? I don't reckon you're out of sight out of mind love. I reckon he's happily continuing building fantasies around you and only occasionally revealing them to you at this point

Thing is OP, he isn't going to simply just go away in the quiet way that you want.

His fallout from blocking is not your problem. It's his problem. Ignore the fall out.

You said you told him that you don't believe you can be friends. You need to tell him you don't want to be friends.

You block him.

Tell mutual friends, anyone and everyone who will listen that he is harassing you and under no circumstances are they to give him any information about you, your life or your loved ones.

You report it to the police so there is history/file in future if you need it. Catalogue everything.

Tell your neighbours. Tell your family.

You inform your employer/reception desk also.

Block him. Also you say you're in a relationship, could they have a word?

Thank you. This is helpful. Yes I can only guess that this is something that has happened before. He has emphasized again and again and at length about how much he fears being blocked and he sees it as a very hostile act and how unhappy he would be if I ever did that to him. He would absolutely go ballistic if I did that again, and I fear the lengths he would go to to get in touch. I'm aware that I'm being manipulated here but I need to out-manipulate him now.

My partner isn't aware as I didn't want him to worry or interrogate me about how it had got to this stage, as I'd then be battling on two different fronts.

The bottom line is, I can't afford for this to escalate, for him to become more fervently outraged or obsessive. I need to get him to move on quietly.

I think I'm going to send a message saying that I feel uncomfortable about him commenting on my appearance and sending affectionate messages.I will emphasize again that I'm not interested him and ask him not to contact me. If he continues to contact me then I WILL block him, but that will be his doing, not something that comes out of the blue from me that he can then get outraged about.

He is a bully .I understand your pov but you need to be mindful that he still seems to think that he is part of your life. Be careful.

This is exactly right. You have to rule out him 'just giving up and going away' as an option. You haven't told him not to contact you- you need to do that. And then ideally tell your partner and if he starts contacting you again hand it over for them to deal with. I can see why you don't want to be on the receiving end of this. Problem is he probably senses your vulnerability and wish for a quiet life and is actually homing in on that to manipulate you. Doesn't that make you angry? He shouldn't be treating you like this.

Plenty of women have been on the receiving end of stalking, manipulative, abusive men that aren't their partners and the easiest and most effective way to stop it is blocking. It's not so easy leaving abusive partners. You don't have that problem @Laureolaaa

Do you secretly enjoy the attention and drama? Why do you care if he has a meltdown when you block him? This man is nothing to you other than your harasser. Block him. If he finds another way to contact you block that too. Stop making excuses.

This is good, but just ask him not to contact you. You saying what kind of messages you're uncomfortable with leaves the door open. It's not just certain types of messages at this point is it- it's ALL messages from him, because of his behaviour.