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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told to ‘stop going on’

59 replies

Melanie1986 · 14/12/2024 10:09

Does anyone have a partner who speaks to them this way when just trying to have a chat about normal things? Yesterday I was chatting about family and Christmas plans and he seemed irritated and told me to ‘stop going on’. I should have noticed I wasn’t getting any kind of input back and stopped talking.

He can’t seem to handle any type of conversation about anything, I don’t remember him being this way when I met him. If I ask any questions to try and open a conversation it’s short sharp answers like how was work today? ‘Fine’ that’s all I can get, if I ask any questions additional questions because I fancy a chat I get snapped at. This isn’t constant but happens most days.

Just makes me feel really upset and trapped like a naughty kid who needs to stay quiet. Woke up happy and now I’ve had a cry again, after asking too many questions, about plans for this weekend. He ended up getting angry and storming out of the room. It’s set the tone for another weekend of me being sad, I’m finding it harder to shrug it off it’s making me feel quite low, and if I bring it up I’ll probably get more of the same.

OP posts:
WhoPutTheBomp · 14/12/2024 10:18

Come on now, you know what needs to happen.

Make your own plans for Christmas 2025, so you won't end up back upstairs crying because your man is a selfish bullying incommicative twat but will be free of him and his anger.

WTAFisthisnonsense · 14/12/2024 10:20

This isn't how you treat someone you love, let alone like.
OP life is too short to tolerate this shit. (I've been where you are and I didn't stay - the best decision of my life.)

Regalrosie · 14/12/2024 10:21

WhoPutTheBomp · 14/12/2024 10:18

Come on now, you know what needs to happen.

Make your own plans for Christmas 2025, so you won't end up back upstairs crying because your man is a selfish bullying incommicative twat but will be free of him and his anger.

Perfect answer!

So sorry you’re feeling so low but dry your tears and don’t take responsibility for his twattish behaviour and you’re not a child but a grown adult and deserve so much more than this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/12/2024 10:22

Can only echo the first replies. He doesn’t love you. Make your Christmas present to yourself freedom from this really unpleasant man.

Fannyfiggs · 14/12/2024 10:25

You deserve much much better.

Finish it and be happy on your own ❤️

LaurenAction · 14/12/2024 10:30

I don’t remember him being this way when I met him.

No, they're always on their best behaviour at the beginning to reel you in. Once you are hooked their true colours start showing through and it's a downward spiral from hereonin.

He is training you to know your place.

He can’t seem to handle any type of conversation about anything

I would stop trying to make any conversation with him. It only results in your hurt Flowers . And less effort trying to say the right thing on your part gives your head the space to make the plans you need to make. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hell.

Be safe Flowers

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/12/2024 10:32

What's keeping you with this person? It sounds miserable.

category12 · 14/12/2024 10:36

It sounds like he is manufacturing reasons to argue and withdraw from you, and as if he doesn't like you much.

Is there possibly someone else on the scene?

AmandaHoldensLips · 14/12/2024 10:45

He doesn't like you much, does he?
Do yourself a favour and dump him.

Original poster
Melanie1986 · 14/12/2024 10:54

He can be kind which is why it’s hard knowing whether to leave or not. I keep weighing the pros and cons but I look forward to him going out at the moment, sounds awful but its starting to feel like a grey cloud above me when he’s here.

That’s how it feels, like he doesn’t like me which is why my confidence is low now, I’m wondering why he doesn’t like me, he liked me when we met and I haven’t changed!

He’s not given me any signs that there’s anyone else, always leaves his phones out around me even when downstairs so I doubt it.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 14/12/2024 11:01

@Melanie1986 ‘he can be kind’. Oh dear oh dear. He can be kind. But he can also be extremely rude, bad tempered and plain nasty. Would you take one from a box of chocolates if you knew there was one chocolate covered shit? Why stay with a person who makes you feel so miserable? A partner should make you feel happy. What does this guy do - apart from sometimes be ‘kind’. Or does it just feel like that because he’s not being a rude, bad tempered, nasty pos?

Alalalala · 14/12/2024 11:03

Horrible man. Please stop wasting your life OP. Staying with him now is self harm.

LaurenAction · 14/12/2024 11:05

I haven’t changed!

But you will. Your self esteem will slowly erode and any strength you have now will be a distant memory. You will become a shadow of who you once were.

It really doesn't sound awful that you look forward to him going out, those of us who have been there totally get it.

Listen to what your doubts are telling you, do what you need to do for yourself. He isn't going to suddenly revert back into the man he showed you at the start (if he does, because he senses a strengthening in you, it'll be temporary).

Flowers
category12 · 14/12/2024 11:09

That’s how it feels, like he doesn’t like me which is why my confidence is low now, I’m wondering why he doesn’t like me, he liked me when we met and I haven’t changed!

He's changed, I guess. I think you should probably go see friends and family who love you this weekend and get some space from him. Think about whether being with him is good for you.

Original poster
Melanie1986 · 14/12/2024 11:14

I mean, I guess I have changed. Like I said I feel low, not my old bubbly self but this started after the snapping and bad words towards me. Like I said, in the beginning, it was upsetting but I could bounce back. I’m not finding it that easy anymore and always questioning myself. So confusing. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/12/2024 11:17

Melanie1986 · 14/12/2024 11:14

I mean, I guess I have changed. Like I said I feel low, not my old bubbly self but this started after the snapping and bad words towards me. Like I said, in the beginning, it was upsetting but I could bounce back. I’m not finding it that easy anymore and always questioning myself. So confusing. Thanks for the replies.

He's changing you into someone unhappy and low in confidence.

It probably suits him for some reason to have that power over you.

Don't let him do it to you.

GretchenWienersHair · 14/12/2024 11:18

My DP regularly behaves like this and I have posted here about it a few times (probably under different names over the years). Each time I’m told to LTB, and each time I ignore the advice because I “know things will get better”. And they do. In fact, things are often more than “better” - things are amazing. But they always get worse again.

At the moment things are great. He’s a fantastic dad, brilliant partner, listens to me, hears me and reflects on his own behaviour. I had a very frank conversation with him a few months ago about it being the last time we have patch like that. Was it realistically the last time he will go through one of these nasty spells? I doubt it. But was it the last time I will sit through it hoping it will get better? Definitely.

Do with that what you will, but just know he probably won’t change.

Sparkletastic · 14/12/2024 11:38

He's either training you to be in an abusive relationship or unhappy and trying to make you end it. Either way you deserve better.

Firefly100 · 14/12/2024 11:50

Make your own plans - what would you choose to do if he were not around? Do that. I’d try to find something that would take me out the house all day and would just leave without telling him. When he eventually gets around to remembering you exist and wants to organise something - sorry you have plans. If he complains - will you tried to discuss it but he told you he didn’t want to. What did he expect? That you would sit around waiting for him? Take back control. If you end up having a completely separate life as a result, we’ll then it will be easier to split down the line.

DepartingRadish · 14/12/2024 12:03

Melanie1986 · 14/12/2024 11:14

I mean, I guess I have changed. Like I said I feel low, not my old bubbly self but this started after the snapping and bad words towards me. Like I said, in the beginning, it was upsetting but I could bounce back. I’m not finding it that easy anymore and always questioning myself. So confusing. Thanks for the replies.

He doesn't sound like he's very considerate. It also sounds like he's lacking respect for you as a person. I bet he doesn't speak that way to his 6 foot mates who are built like brick shithouses.

Is he as dismissive of you when he wants a shag? Ask yourself why he can manage to play nice when he wants something, but can't be bothered at other times?

AllYearsAround · 14/12/2024 12:21

Is he a husband or a boyfriend?
Do you share kids, property?

ginasevern · 14/12/2024 12:22

"He can be kind" - dear god woman! There's an old saying in Sicily which roughly translates as "a woman is like a dog. She can have a bad master or be lucky and have a kind master". Do you want to be that dog OP?

thestudio · 14/12/2024 12:30

ginasevern · 14/12/2024 12:22

"He can be kind" - dear god woman! There's an old saying in Sicily which roughly translates as "a woman is like a dog. She can have a bad master or be lucky and have a kind master". Do you want to be that dog OP?

WTF?! This is awful either way.

BunnyLake · 14/12/2024 12:31

I’ve been in a similar relationship before. Some days were really good so I’d feel confused, but I just got sick of the way I could wake up happy but soon be down and in tears because of his belligerent attitude. I had enough of it and left and I advise you to do the same.

Remember, it will never (never!) get better than it is now.

smallsilvercloud · 14/12/2024 12:33

How far into the relationship are you?
Nothing worse than being bored and lonely with a partner than doesn't want to communicate with you and worse that yours is so cruel about you, telling you to stop going on. He doesn't want to be in the relationship and it's not fair on you to put up with this, this has set in the pattern of him getting away with treating you like this, he won't change you just have to change your life without him.