Being told to ‘stop going on’

[Melanie1986]

Does anyone have a partner who speaks to them this way when just trying to have a chat about normal things? Yesterday I was chatting about family and Christmas plans and he seemed irritated and told me to ‘stop going on’. I should have noticed I wasn’t getting any kind of input back and stopped talking.

He can’t seem to handle any type of conversation about anything, I don’t remember him being this way when I met him. If I ask any questions to try and open a conversation it’s short sharp answers like how was work today? ‘Fine’ that’s all I can get, if I ask any questions additional questions because I fancy a chat I get snapped at. This isn’t constant but happens most days.

Just makes me feel really upset and trapped like a naughty kid who needs to stay quiet. Woke up happy and now I’ve had a cry again, after asking too many questions, about plans for this weekend. He ended up getting angry and storming out of the room. It’s set the tone for another weekend of me being sad, I’m finding it harder to shrug it off it’s making me feel quite low, and if I bring it up I’ll probably get more of the same.

Why I love being single!

Just end it - and find someone who wants to engage in a conversation.

I got to the stage where every morning I woke up dreading the sound of him stirring from sleep. Even if he was in a 'good' mood the many, many deliberately ruined mornings had me groomed into allowing him to set the tone for the day, hence our life. It was no way to live.

"Can be kind" is way too low a bar OP. I guarantee your mental health will be better out of this relationship. Every day you waste with him is a day you could be spending with a much better man you've yet to meet

Is this a long term partner or not. Maybe if it's a long term partner it's worth sorting out as he seems stressed out. If not think about ending the relationship.

I sometimes get exasperated with my DH and say that to him.

Especially if he's rabbitting on about something tedious like getting stuck behind 'Old Bert' in the Post Office queue.

Yes, being with someone who ‘sets the tone’ for the day is intolerable to be around. Whether it’s because they’re happy so you’re allowed to be happy or they’re belligerent so your day is ruined, it’s such a miserable, soul destroying way to live.

Me too! I’ve never had such mental stability and peace of mind than the last eight years I’ve voluntarily taken myself off the market (so to speak). Will never go back to sharing my life with another adult, unless it’s my kids.

Sounds like he's stressed about something or just generally unhappy and is taking it out on you.

I would say the relationship has definitely run its course though because he's finding you/your presence an irritant any time he's a bit moody, and has zero respect for you. You need to get out now before it gets deeper - marriage/kids etc.

Don't live a half life, you only get one chance at it!

I was once in a marriage with someone who started talking to me like that.
Any 'demand' like wanting to have a conversation with him, or do something together, was viewed as completely unreasonable and I was snapped at.

I felt like a naughty annoying child, when really I'm very pleasant company and love my own space rather than being clingy.

But he just wanted me to be a support animal for his life, entirely available for those frequent times when he wanted to chat with me, or have my company or doing things together, but only on his schedule.

He wouldn't agree at all with what I've written here, but the fact is he didn't really love, care or respect me.

He was very upset when I told him I was divorcing him, whereas I was so happy, finally free to not annoy him and find people who actually valued me

This is all true and thanks all for speaking sense, I know what I need to do, it’s just so hard. We’ve been together for 5 ish years now.

Beginning to realise there’s more to life than this, I’m just someone who’s kind of ‘here’ at this point. I’d love to be able to have a chat and a laugh at times. I’ve asked does he want to end things as he doesn’t seem bothered about me at times and the answer is always he doesn’t want to split up no, he sees his whole future with me which makes me even more confused than him just saying, well yeah, I don’t actually want to be with you.

Bloody hell OP.
A man wouldn't say that to a lot of women twice.
How fxxking rude and disrespectful.

Get some therapy to find out why the hell you think this is all you deserve?
Thank god you havd no children.

I wouldn't be having any conversation.
I would be arranging othe accommodation and be gone.

Nasty twat.

Being with you probably provides lots of benefits for him - I imagine you keep the house nice and maybe you do cooking and cleaning, contribute financially, and provide a sexual relationship.
He doesn't want to lose all that. He just doesn't want to have to talk to you.

@Melanie1986 it’s not what he says, it what he DOES. Don’t put your life in his hands - he’s not the boss. If you’re not happy with him, do ask if he wants to split up. Think about if YOU want to split up. What sort of a relationship do YOU want? Is he giving you the best relationship you could have? Certainly doesn’t sound like it.

Does he work or does he also take advantage of you economically and with the housework?

I had the exact same phrase thrown at me. Once the contempt has crept in like that it is not possible to get things back easily. He is telling you that what you say has no value to him and is beneath his consideration. You deserve better.

To be honest, this irritates me as well.
But obviously, you don't need him in your life, that's my universal advice.

Thanks. Which part irritates you? The whole chatting about plans, family etc

Economically, in the beginning he contributed more, now I’m earning more it’s me, which I’m happy with. The housework thing, no, but he’s getting better since I brought it up as I was exhausted from doing everything all the time

Sorry, that last one should have quoted the reply above

Yes, plans, family etc.
I'm long term married and my husband doesn't do this, which I'm quite grateful for.
He is significantly older and his lack of chit chat was one of the reasons I chose him.
We get on well.
You, however, don't need to change, you just don't need this particular man.
🍀

He is comfortable enough with the lifestyle but just can't help treating you with contempt.

It is the reason you feel low, shitty about yourself and your gut is trying to warn you that this situation is toxic for you.

Listen to your body.

OP, you deserve to be with someone who loves you and shows it, who makes you feel good and wanted. He's acting like he doesn't even like you. Sorry OP, but you're in a relationship that is making you feel rubbish about yourself.

At best case scenario he's a guy who doesn't like small talk and is being a bit rude in his managing of this. In which case you're not compatible.

Worst case he's a dick who likes to or doesn't care if he upsets his girlfriend by making her feel small and silly. In which case he doesn't deserve you.

Either way move on and find someone who enjoys chatting with you.

I’ve asked does he want to end things as he doesn’t seem bothered about me at times and the answer is always he doesn’t want to split up no, he sees his whole future with me which makes me even more confused

As PPs have said he's happy to have the benefits of your relationship but he also wants to use you as an emotional punchbag. He is showing his contempt for you. It suits him that you're confused, it puts you in a weaker position.

I would stop sharing your thoughts with him or trying to get anything out of him. Make your own decisions, dream your own dreams and build up your strength to be able move towards a calmer, kinder, more peaceful life