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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Domestic Violence- Social Services

71 replies

AttiesMum · 13/12/2024 17:15

Hello,

Little back ground my partner is a dad of 3 (from other mothers) soon to be 4, who suffers from DID (split personality disorder) and I am 38 weeks pregnant with his child and I have both ADHD and Autism.

Tuesday morning me and my partner had an argument resulting in him calling the police because I was refusing to leave the property. My partner pushed me onto the sofa and the grab my collar on my jumper to try and lift me up to leave the property, as he's done this I have lashed out and put my feet on his chest to push him off and as i've done that he grabbed my neck, resulting in a bruise on my neck. my partner had grabbed me before by my wrist and ankle (on two separate occasions) again because I was refusing to leave the property. After he had grabbed me I got up and left the property, as I was leaving my partner shouted out the front door saying that nobody liked my and that I should go kill myself (I know that this is his DID and anger speaking.) His ex sister in law and two other neighbours are in the street while this happen. we will call his ex sister in law "SIL" for short, she also lives in the same street as us. SIL stopped, heard and witnessed him shouting at me so me and her went for a walk together. I had told her what had happened and that police were on their way and everything. while we were on our walk the police arrived and spoke to my partner and he had just told them that we had an argument blah blah blah, me and SIL had made our way back to our street and as I come to my partners flat the two officers are walking out. I didn't want to make a statement nor tell the police what had happened but SIL turned round and told them. I then proceeded to tell the officers that I didn't want to make a statement but they put me in the back of the van anyway to ask me further questions. my partner was then arrested around 11AM on tuesday. Long story short now, I fought my hardest to get my partner released without charges, bail conditions or a DVPO put in place, and on thursday this was granted, the case is closed and there are no orders put in place to stop me and my partner seeing eachother. we later sound out after speaking that SIL was messaging our neighbours to lie and put a statement in against my partner and how he acts around the kids. (we have evidence of this) he is an amazing father, but we believe that SIL is doing this because my partners brother had full custody of their children. We knew social services were going to be involved anyway but today (the friday) social services contacted me and we have an appointment on monday about everything, they have advised I don't see my partner till after this appointment, but I had told them this wouldn't happen so close to my due date, they didn't mention anything about his other children so we thought that was going to be that and we would find out what was happening at my appointment. My partner has his other kids every friday to sunday so his youngest child was dropped off to him today after school, and within 10 minutes his mother was walking back through the door saying my partner couldn't have his son this weekend because social services had rung her and told her this, she had told them she has no concerns with her son staying in his care but they made it clear he still wasn't allowed his children this weekend. i've never been involved with social services before and I really don't know what's happening, how do we go about this? how to we get social services to believe that he is the amazing father he is? i just feel so left in the dark and confused I just really don't know what is happening.

OP posts:
Msmoonpie · 13/12/2024 17:18

Well clearly you won’t because he isn’t.

What a mess to bring yet another child into.

If you have any sense and want to keep your baby then you’ll need to leave him.

Theyreallydid · 13/12/2024 17:18

He’s not an amazing father. He’s an abuser. If you want to keep your child you need to end the relationship it’s that simple.

username299 · 13/12/2024 17:20

OP you're deluded and you should have engaged with the police. It doesn't matter what he's diagnosed with, he's abusive and your relationship is a shit show. You can't bring a child up in this.

My advice is to get back in contact with the police and contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some support to leave.

AttiesMum · 13/12/2024 17:21

AttiesMum · 13/12/2024 17:15

Hello,

Little back ground my partner is a dad of 3 (from other mothers) soon to be 4, who suffers from DID (split personality disorder) and I am 38 weeks pregnant with his child and I have both ADHD and Autism.

Tuesday morning me and my partner had an argument resulting in him calling the police because I was refusing to leave the property. My partner pushed me onto the sofa and the grab my collar on my jumper to try and lift me up to leave the property, as he's done this I have lashed out and put my feet on his chest to push him off and as i've done that he grabbed my neck, resulting in a bruise on my neck. my partner had grabbed me before by my wrist and ankle (on two separate occasions) again because I was refusing to leave the property. After he had grabbed me I got up and left the property, as I was leaving my partner shouted out the front door saying that nobody liked my and that I should go kill myself (I know that this is his DID and anger speaking.) His ex sister in law and two other neighbours are in the street while this happen. we will call his ex sister in law "SIL" for short, she also lives in the same street as us. SIL stopped, heard and witnessed him shouting at me so me and her went for a walk together. I had told her what had happened and that police were on their way and everything. while we were on our walk the police arrived and spoke to my partner and he had just told them that we had an argument blah blah blah, me and SIL had made our way back to our street and as I come to my partners flat the two officers are walking out. I didn't want to make a statement nor tell the police what had happened but SIL turned round and told them. I then proceeded to tell the officers that I didn't want to make a statement but they put me in the back of the van anyway to ask me further questions. my partner was then arrested around 11AM on tuesday. Long story short now, I fought my hardest to get my partner released without charges, bail conditions or a DVPO put in place, and on thursday this was granted, the case is closed and there are no orders put in place to stop me and my partner seeing eachother. we later sound out after speaking that SIL was messaging our neighbours to lie and put a statement in against my partner and how he acts around the kids. (we have evidence of this) he is an amazing father, but we believe that SIL is doing this because my partners brother had full custody of their children. We knew social services were going to be involved anyway but today (the friday) social services contacted me and we have an appointment on monday about everything, they have advised I don't see my partner till after this appointment, but I had told them this wouldn't happen so close to my due date, they didn't mention anything about his other children so we thought that was going to be that and we would find out what was happening at my appointment. My partner has his other kids every friday to sunday so his youngest child was dropped off to him today after school, and within 10 minutes his mother was walking back through the door saying my partner couldn't have his son this weekend because social services had rung her and told her this, she had told them she has no concerns with her son staying in his care but they made it clear he still wasn't allowed his children this weekend. i've never been involved with social services before and I really don't know what's happening, how do we go about this? how to we get social services to believe that he is the amazing father he is? i just feel so left in the dark and confused I just really don't know what is happening.

I also just want to point out that, you don't know our relationship and you haven't seen him as a father. Please be mindful of that, i'm not asking for your opinions on how he is as a father or as a partner I just need help with knowing what social services will do!

OP posts:
DaringLion · 13/12/2024 17:21

Jeremy Kyle!

Discombobble · 13/12/2024 17:23

I imagine SS will act in the best interests of the child, which neither of you seem to be doing!

LividBauble · 13/12/2024 17:23

You are so deep in so many piles of shit you can’t think clearly.

This was not a man to get pregnant to. However, that ship has clearly sailed so you need to sort your life out now for the sake of the baby who does not deserve to be born into chaos.

He is not a good father, he’s abusive. You need to leave him and get some serious counselling. Raise your child away from all of this.

Msmoonpie · 13/12/2024 17:24

AttiesMum · 13/12/2024 17:21

I also just want to point out that, you don't know our relationship and you haven't seen him as a father. Please be mindful of that, i'm not asking for your opinions on how he is as a father or as a partner I just need help with knowing what social services will do!

You’ve been told what will happen. If you won’t leave him you may well loose access to your child. If you won’t keep the child safe then SS will have to.

The child’s father is a violent man who assaulted and shouts abuse at his mother. The same mother who is more worried about the father than the child safety.

Hardly an environment to raise a child in.

MiraculousLadybug · 13/12/2024 17:25

Jesus wept. I hope SS put the child somewhere safe. SIL is the only one here acting in the best interests of the child.

HellonHeels · 13/12/2024 17:25

He's not a good father. He's violent and abusive. I'm no expert, but think social services will expect you to do whatever is necessary to keep your baby safe, up to and including leaving this abusive relationship.

WhatYouPutOutComesBack · 13/12/2024 17:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MajorCarolDanvers · 13/12/2024 17:30

Social services will expect you to demonstrate how you are going to keep you and your child safe and protected from him and you need to do it now

otherwise your next thread will be able how social services have removed for baby because you’ve put your relationship ahead of your child’s safety and well-being

Octavia64 · 13/12/2024 17:31

If there are physical fights occurring then this is bad for any children that are around.

The children will be scared, and upset. It is very bad parenting.

In addition, once a physical fight has started, it often happens that one or both people involve the children in it. For obvious reasons the children find that very scary and it is extremely bad parenting.

For that reason SS consider parents who have physical fights as a potential danger to their children.

This isn't a good situation for any children that are around. They need their interests putting first which is what SS will do.

Speak to SS. Then whatever they tell you to do, do it.

SilverChampagne · 13/12/2024 17:32

Christ almighty! He is not an amazing father, what’s the matter with you??

Scutterbug · 13/12/2024 17:37

Well this is a right royal mess, isn’t it?!

You both sound very immature and incapable of stopping situations from escalating. Is that an atmosphere you want your child brought up in?

You need to live separately whilst SS conduct their enquiries I think and really take stock of the situation. This isn’t normal.

Solent123 · 13/12/2024 17:38

An amazing father / partner does not use physical violence against his partner ever, full stop. OP look into doing the Freedom program asap and cooperate with Social Services they do have the power to remove children if they believe they are at risk of harm and you've already gone against their recommendation of not seeing your partner until the appointment.

jf1992x · 13/12/2024 17:43

Jesus 🙈for the poor little sod's sake let's hope they're taken when they're born! You're far more concerned about your abusive partner than your unborn child. Speaks volumes about the both of you to be honest.

Let's hope the next post we read is your child has been removed from your care and not in a news articles a few months/years later. You know what I'm saying here.

Best of luck. You're going to need it! Ps - I'd get some long term contraception when baby is born so this doesn't happen all over again

Catbabymammy · 13/12/2024 17:44

how to we get social services to believe that he is the amazing father he is?

You don’t.You don’t even try.

Because nobody in their right fucking mind is going to think a man with severe mental health issues, who has 3 other children and is violent is an amazing father. Carry on sticking up for your abuser if you want your baby removed.

Dobbythechristmaself · 13/12/2024 17:46

OP, you don’t know this (yet) but you two are exactly the situation SS is needed for and steps in to remove a child from. You need to see this and understand this. Can you see some independent counselling to try make sense of everything? You have my sympathy as you are a victim of your own thinking processes and a man who is an unsuitable partner and father. But your child is clearly at risk if being born and raised in a chaotic and scary environment. That’s why SS are no longer listening to you and your opinion of the situation.

murasaki · 13/12/2024 17:48

Oh dear. SiL did the right thing, and unless you separate you are likely to have the child taken into care, and rightly so.

FamilyPhoto · 13/12/2024 17:51

Hopefully SS will do everything in their power to safeguard your unborn child.

MessyNeate · 13/12/2024 17:51

SS will take your baby into care from birth, unless you leave him.

No amazing father would be throwing his pregnant partner around or have his hands on her neck.

The next time he could kill you. Mental health or not, it is not ok.

MsCactus · 13/12/2024 17:52

Amazing fathers don't leave bruises on the neck of mothers.

If you don't leave him you'll likely have your baby taken off him, as he's clearly not safe to be around a child if he gets physical like that

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 13/12/2024 17:52

I just need help with knowing what social services will do!
if you won’t leave him then, ultimately, they will remove your child from your care.

JustHiker · 13/12/2024 17:53

Whatever about his disorder and your neuro diversity - you have violent physical arguments. He tried to choke you and throw you out of your own house. If you stick by him chances are SS will remove your child.

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