Domestic Violence- Social Services

[AttiesMum]

Hello,

Little back ground my partner is a dad of 3 (from other mothers) soon to be 4, who suffers from DID (split personality disorder) and I am 38 weeks pregnant with his child and I have both ADHD and Autism.

Tuesday morning me and my partner had an argument resulting in him calling the police because I was refusing to leave the property. My partner pushed me onto the sofa and the grab my collar on my jumper to try and lift me up to leave the property, as he's done this I have lashed out and put my feet on his chest to push him off and as i've done that he grabbed my neck, resulting in a bruise on my neck. my partner had grabbed me before by my wrist and ankle (on two separate occasions) again because I was refusing to leave the property. After he had grabbed me I got up and left the property, as I was leaving my partner shouted out the front door saying that nobody liked my and that I should go kill myself (I know that this is his DID and anger speaking.) His ex sister in law and two other neighbours are in the street while this happen. we will call his ex sister in law "SIL" for short, she also lives in the same street as us. SIL stopped, heard and witnessed him shouting at me so me and her went for a walk together. I had told her what had happened and that police were on their way and everything. while we were on our walk the police arrived and spoke to my partner and he had just told them that we had an argument blah blah blah, me and SIL had made our way back to our street and as I come to my partners flat the two officers are walking out. I didn't want to make a statement nor tell the police what had happened but SIL turned round and told them. I then proceeded to tell the officers that I didn't want to make a statement but they put me in the back of the van anyway to ask me further questions. my partner was then arrested around 11AM on tuesday. Long story short now, I fought my hardest to get my partner released without charges, bail conditions or a DVPO put in place, and on thursday this was granted, the case is closed and there are no orders put in place to stop me and my partner seeing eachother. we later sound out after speaking that SIL was messaging our neighbours to lie and put a statement in against my partner and how he acts around the kids. (we have evidence of this) he is an amazing father, but we believe that SIL is doing this because my partners brother had full custody of their children. We knew social services were going to be involved anyway but today (the friday) social services contacted me and we have an appointment on monday about everything, they have advised I don't see my partner till after this appointment, but I had told them this wouldn't happen so close to my due date, they didn't mention anything about his other children so we thought that was going to be that and we would find out what was happening at my appointment. My partner has his other kids every friday to sunday so his youngest child was dropped off to him today after school, and within 10 minutes his mother was walking back through the door saying my partner couldn't have his son this weekend because social services had rung her and told her this, she had told them she has no concerns with her son staying in his care but they made it clear he still wasn't allowed his children this weekend. i've never been involved with social services before and I really don't know what's happening, how do we go about this? how to we get social services to believe that he is the amazing father he is? i just feel so left in the dark and confused I just really don't know what is happening.

Very gently OP, it is not fair to bring a baby into this situation. It is not right to expect a child to witness this sort of craziness. I understand you love him but you both sound unable to give this child the safe and calm home this child deserves.

They have probably initiated a section 47 enquiry which will involve meeting with the police and discussing what they can do to protect you and your child. They will expect him to keep away from you while they do their investigation. They will want to know who else you have in your support network and what mental health support you have. They will want to know what mental health support he engages with and will look into his police record. If you don't do what they ask they might go into child protection proceedings, or quite likely either pre legal proceedings or actual care proceedings, which isn't unlikely given the very high risk you both pose and your lack of engagement and insight. So do exactly what's asked of you, because if you don't your baby is at risk of serious harm at his hands and you risk being separated from your baby.

I understand that having social services involved is really scary, especially when you’re so close to giving birth so will feel vulnerable already, but they should be involved. What happened is really serious; he didn’t just assault you, you’re pregnant so he also assaulted your unborn child.

Your baby is totally reliant on you being well and safe to survive. Grabbing at your neck could easily turn into strangling you, even by accident in the heat of the moment, but if you aren’t getting oxygen, your baby isn’t either.

If he can’t control his temper and this manifests as physical violence then he is putting both of you at risk - that’s not the actions of an amazing father. An amazing father would do anything to protect their unborn child and partner, not hurt them.

What I hope/ expect them to do, is to protect your baby from your partner's behaviour and your excuses for it.
They'll also (hopefully) support you in seeing that you and the children deserve better than this abusive behaviour.

Loads of judgement here I'm sorry you're going through this @AttiesMum it sounds like you're both very volatile together & you'll need a plan together if you want to make sure you'll be able to take care of yourself & your baby. That is what SS will want to hear, And that you have support around you. In fact they may not remove your child at birth but you'll have to work with them & you'll both need to have some support (through your GP I would suggest as they're usually totally on your side as you are their patient). Both go to the GP, tell them you need support with your conditions & accept whatever they offer & do it.

Secondly both examine your behaviours because you know you'll need to deal with this proactively. You can change, but you first need to see what is going on, both of you. If you re read your post, it doesn't read well. SS will want you to get on top of this, either by separating or by managing your behaviours with a plan but I cannot stress enough that you & your partner need to be thinking of your baby & what is best for them right now.
Also to add, there's a lot of comments about your partner but it sounds like you also need to manage your emotional reactions & I think you'll need to own up to this BUT with a really effective & measurable plan to make changes.

I am sick of reading these amazing father comments about aggressive little pricks like this. Do you know what amazed means? Nobody is amazed by your aggressive mentally unwell partner.

OP what is your living situation? You mention him trying to get you to leave more than once.
He has physically assaulted you more than once. Amazing father's do not grab, push, pull or put their hands in anger on their 38 week pregnant partner ever.

Social services will likely call a strategy meeting and invite any professional who may have worked with you or have information to share including your midwife, police, mental health services. They will then decide what action to take, likely section 47 enquiries. As a minimum they will be risk assessing your partber and completing safety planning with you.

You should work with them and be completely honest. You should not try to diminish or defend his actions and you need to show clearly how you will keep your child safe.

I hope you do have seperate living arrangements as this will make it easier to follow any safety planning. And you really need to work on your own understanding of abuse and what is acceptable in a relationship. Because his behaviour isn't and you risk losing your child if you continue to accept and justify it.

Unless you completely change your attitude NOW your baby will be removed at birth.
Read every single one of these posts on this thread very very carefully- there is good advice on here and your priority is to demonstrate to SS that you will put baby safe, by keeping you safe.
End this ridiculous idea of convincing them he's an amazing Dad - that is the quickest way to have your baby removed. You need to distance yourself from him and co operate to the letter with police and SS.

He's not a good father. He's an abusive man who physically attacks his partner when she's due to give birth! Social services are going to want to keep the baby safe, as should you, and this environment is not it.

What a mess.
If you insist on staying with this man when your baby is born, then I hope to god SS remove the baby from you and place them where they will be safe.

Neither of you are fit to be parents and no child deserves to be brought up in that environment.

This is all a load of bullshit. Nobody who manhandles a heavily pregnant woman, putting his hands around a woman’s throat can be a great parent. Wake up! Get real! Choking is a precursor of deadly incidents. If you value your child’s well-being you must leave him. Prioritise safeguarding your child.

There is absolutely no clinical consensus on the fact that DID even exists. This guy is lying to you. And he's abusing you. Get out. He's a waste of space.

And no man, who assaults any other human is an "amazing father". He's a walking car crash.

As PP have said...if you won't safeguard your child then SS will... I would seriously think about engaging with them and the police if you don't want baby removed at birth or put straight onto a CP plan

Social services will take your child as soon as it’s born due to the father being aggressive,
there’s a man who I know and he’s got 9 children by a number of different women and each of those children are in care due to his aggression, and yes every time he’s got another child on the way they get involved with the expecting mother!!
The latest girlfriend was told to end her relationship or lose the child, she picked him over her baby!

Mental health and anger issues are not reasons why men abuse their partners. Not every man with mental health issues and not every man with anger issues abuses their partner. Abusive men abuse their partners - many will have mental health issues and many will have anger issues, but these are not causes.

He is angry because he is abusive, and not the other way round. I know this because the abuse stemmed from your refusal to be controlled by him - he wanted to throw you out of the house and you wouldn't go. He became angry when he couldn't control you.

Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Free pdf.

And don't be confused that he may have a working co-parenting relationship with his ex. Many abused women do, often forced by the courts or because they think it's in the best interest of the child. The issue here isn't whether he is a good or bad father, it is that he is abusive and it's not safe for you to have a relationship with him. It isn't safe for your child either, but I trust that you will leave him when you can. It takes between 4 - 6 attempts for women to leave abusive partners and so don't give up.

The process is you will have a child protection social worker allocated to conduct a section 47 assessment. SW will speak with your midwife, GP and any other agencies or professionals involved in your life. They or another SW will be doing an assessment on the safety of his other children too but as you are not their parent you won't get the information on that.

Given what you have described here and that there are witnesses I expect the section 47 to end with a child protection case conference. All professionals involved with you will be invited, although they may not attend and just send their comments or a report. This will likely include your partners psychiatrist due to his diagnosis in addition to any mental health professionals you may have had supporting you around your diagnosis. You will be invited and you should attend. Legally you have to be provided a copy of the section 47 assessment before the case conference. They don't always bother to do this so you may have to ask. The case conference will discuss risk factors and what has happened and how best to safeguard the unborn. They have to balance a child's right to their family with the right to safety.

Case conference will decide what level of intervention is required. There is universal services which everyone can access, early help, child in need and then child protection. Google your local LA name and safeguarding document and you will see the criteria for each level. I would expect you will get child in need if you have left him but will get child protection if you have not. There will almost certainly be an expectation on the midwife/hospital to inform SS when you have had the baby and the baby will not be released from hospital until the social worker has confirmed what the outcome in the plan expects.

You can fight. There is a family court process they cannot decide to remove a child without a judge signing off. They may remove baby from hospital without you getting to argue against it. This would be temporary and you would then wait for your court date to get baby back. They may allow you to take baby home and inform tou they are taking the steps to remove baby in which case you get a court date up to a few days later.

Because you are autistic this will be considered as a potential risk factor. Ordinarily I would give advice on how to argue it's discrimination for them to assume it's a risk factor without evidence it actually impacts you in a way that brings risk of harm or neglect to the child. However in this case maybe it is playing a part in why you cannot see the danger to you and baby.

If you are under 25 and you refuse to leave him then I recommend asking for a mother and baby foster placement if one of the deciding risk factors turns ou to be your about il to care for the child due to your autism. This way you get time with baby and a foster cater who will report back if you are able to meet baby needs, you can access support around the DV and hopefully while you are free from it you will start to see the reality of the situation.

Read the safeguarding document for your LA. You will see you are going to get child protection if you don't leave. If I'm the very unlikely event they do not remove the baby from the dangerous situation you will be expected to improve things and step down the thresholds. If you do not cooperate or show no progress they will take steps to remove baby.

As your baby is a baby you won't be given much time with them in foster care to show you are fit to het baby back. Baby won't have formed a bind with you and unless you can afford solicitors to fight for you and drag it out till baby is around 2 you will have months only.

Please please leave him NOW. And work with SS. Their purpose is to safeguard your child. They want what is best for your child. YOU WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Remember that

OP you might think you're in this romantic and passionate relationship but it only exists inside your own head. The reality is that you've fucked up choosing this man to be the father of your child, and it's time to take off those rose tinted glasses before you lose your chance to be an active mother to your child.

He's not worth what you stand to lose.

Likely SS will contact you in very near future with regard to completing a pre birth assessment which will look at both your backgrounds in depth and interviews with you both ….then a decision made about what contact he should have with this new baby

This sounds so unbearably sad and I feel terrified for the child that is about to be brought into this situation. I’m not sure how much you know about DID but it’s not an excuse to be violent and the majority of people with DID are not violent. I’d be wary of whether this is a confirmed diagnosis or something he has told you to excuse his behaviour (“Oh it’s not me it was one of my alters”). Also if he can’t control himself and not lay hands on a heavily pregnant woman what on earth makes you think he can control himself around a tiny defenceless baby? He either has control and could be trusted around a baby but thinks it’s ok to assault a heavily pregnant woman so doesn’t bother trying to control himself with you or he has no control in those moments and could kill or injure a baby or child. Both of which are horrifying and not the actions of an “amazing father”. Your partner is a full grown adult who no matter what his background or trauma history needs to take responsibility for himself and his behaviour and make significant changes now. Your unborn child needs you to put them first, not your adult, violent, unpredictable partner.

Hi OP, I know you say he is a good father. But imagine what it would be like if what happened the other day happened when you were looking after or holding a little baby?