Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce help

84 replies

Computer125 · 12/12/2024 19:47

I am starting to prepare for divorce. I have 2 children 11 and 4. DH has said I can have all the house and will transfer in my name as long as I don't go after his pension. He also won't pay any child maintenance . He wants a DIY divorce to reduce costs and doesn't want to go to court. There is £0 savings as our salaries comes into a joint account. I am in charge of the money so I know there is nothing hidden. Our house is worth £600k and there is £120k left on the mortgage which I can cover on my single wage. I am 44 and he is 42 we both work full time and he earns £10k more than me. I am thinking this is a good option as I won't have to chase him for money and have it up front. But worried I'm missing something. Will the judge allow this? TIA

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2024 19:51

You need to see a lawyer. You can’t afford not to. And it’s not possible afaik to have an agreement which relies on you never claiming maintenance as it’s impossible to enforce ahd you could start a claim whenever you liked in future.

Chowtime · 12/12/2024 19:55

How much is his pension worth compared to yours?

category12 · 12/12/2024 19:59

You can't agree to never claim child support. What if something happens where you need the money for the kids? Gonna let them starve or miss out because of some ridiculous agreement you made for him to duck out on them?

He should want to pay for his kids.

Autumnblackberries · 12/12/2024 20:00

You'd be foolish to agree to this without investigating further.
You need a clean break and all this documented in a consent order.
He should be paying maintenance unless you're doing 50/50.
His pension and other assets could be worth far more than the house equity.

Original poster
Computer125 · 12/12/2024 20:02

He has worked full time for longer as I was part time for 6 to 8 years due to looking after kids. I think it will be about £2500 a month once retired.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 12/12/2024 20:04

I wouldn't agree to anything to be honest. You need to seek legal advice. So, your husband doesn't want you to claim child maintenance, so isn't actually planning on contributing to your children financially, in any manner?!!! You can't say for sure you won't need to go down the official route for maintenance, between now and when your youngest turns 18!!! He wants you to buy everything for the children?! Clothing, food, shoes, school uniform, school trips, after school activities, furniture for their bedroom, bedding, school bags, PE kit etc!! That's going to be a lot of expense for you to solely take on. See a solicitor and get some advice.

Octavia64 · 12/12/2024 20:09

It is possible to get a solicitor or similar to write up what you have agreed and for that to go to court as amicable. However any agreement does have to go before the court in order for your divorce to go through.

(I presume you mean you don't want to do the whole adversarial arguing in court thing which is indeed expensive).

Be aware that his pension could be significantly more than the house value. You may be in a situation where you are choosing an unfair settlement.

He will need to disclose the value of his pension in order for the paperwork to be done even if you are doing it "amicable" together.

The judge can (and they do - mine did) reject the settlement as unfair.

Coffeetostart · 12/12/2024 20:12

Please please get legal advice.

Vaxtable · 12/12/2024 20:14

Don’t agree to anthing. His pension could be worth far more than the house, and are you doing 50/50 is that why no child maintenance? What would the agreement be re kids costs?

See a lawyer asap

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 12/12/2024 20:19

I am assuming the house is in joint names? Can you get a 120K mortgage in your sole name?

Bigsislookingforadvice · 12/12/2024 20:26

The reason he's offering the house is because his pension is probably worth more. Especially as he's been earning ft for longer. What's your pension provision?
You should definitely get advice - don't just think short term, you need to think future too. Children are expensive forever, not paying isn't really an option.
Think bigger picture than getting this done quickly

Porcuporpoise · 12/12/2024 20:34

Bigsislookingforadvice · 12/12/2024 20:26

The reason he's offering the house is because his pension is probably worth more. Especially as he's been earning ft for longer. What's your pension provision?
You should definitely get advice - don't just think short term, you need to think future too. Children are expensive forever, not paying isn't really an option.
Think bigger picture than getting this done quickly

Wow where do you work that people in their 40s have pension pots greater than half a million?

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/12/2024 20:38

For goodness sake get legal advice. You can’t afford not to. Do not let him brow beat you into a smaller settlement, you have your kids future to think about. And err, of course he needs to pay maintenance, they are his kids, FFS. You dont know what the future holds op, you need to plan now!

User364837 · 12/12/2024 20:39

child maintenance service trumps anything I believe, so he’d be a bit foolish to give you money based on that as you could still pursue him for maintenance.

unless you’re not going to get your financial order sealed by the court (unwise as you’ll always be financially linked otherwise, even when divorced, sounds crazy doesn’t it but apparently true!), you need to properly quantify everything like pensions etc and lay it out.
if it doesn’t look fair a judge might not approve it.

our financial order has just got knocked back because judge wants more information about why we’re not sharing pensions (his is massive. I agreed to it because of inheritance he had and to avoid litigation and be able to move on a buy a home of my own).
so they don’t just sign off on things even if you’ve agreed it between yourselves.

Original poster
Computer125 · 12/12/2024 20:49

Yes I would have the kids full time. If I go after child maintenance then he will want 50% share of the house, meaning I will have to sell up , unsettle the kids and buy another properly with stamp duty and moving costs. I checked the the child maintenance calc and it's about £700 per month for both kids which is only untill they are 18/21. Also as I have a works pension would I still be able to get 50% share of his? Mine is less (about £1500 pcm once i retire) and his about £2500 pcm. Sorry to sound stupid .

OP posts:
Original poster
Computer125 · 12/12/2024 20:52

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 12/12/2024 20:19

I am assuming the house is in joint names? Can you get a 120K mortgage in your sole name?

Yes in joint names. I would get mortgage on my own, just about.

OP posts:
Levithecat · 12/12/2024 20:54

It’s helpful to look at divorce as three separate ‘threads’ - legally ending your marriage, sorting finances, and sorting children.

your stbxh mentions DIY, but that only really applies to the first bit, legally ending your marriage. It’s all v easy now!

the finances have to be done properly and you’d be mad not to engage a solicitor on this. You need advice on the relative value of his pension and the house. I had a ‘clean break’ divorce, where exh and I didn’t ask for any money from one another, but we still used solicitors to draft the form and still had to disclose finances.

on child maintenance, you can’t make an agreement that is enforceable forevermore - that’s just not done. If you go absolutely shared care (ie 50/50) you may not be entitled to child maintenance, but otherwise you absolutely should. It’s for your children. Use the online calculator to work out what’s needed.

dont get sucked into your stbx telling you his idea is easier and better - it’s not. You’re not being difficult or rocking the boat if you seek legal advice on finances. It’s your financial security for the rest of your life.

Piggled · 12/12/2024 20:56

I am a family lawyer, won’t advise obviously without knowing all the info, but just for information, child maintenance is entirely separate from your financial settlement. The CMS has jurisdiction, not the court unless your husband earns £156k a year plus.

so that won’t be in a consent order anyway.

don’t agree anything without financial disclosure and the pension income is not the same as the transfer value. You need CETVs even for the financial statement (D81) that is filed alongside your consent order for approval.

see a lawyer.

Levithecat · 12/12/2024 20:57

Computer125 · 12/12/2024 20:49

Yes I would have the kids full time. If I go after child maintenance then he will want 50% share of the house, meaning I will have to sell up , unsettle the kids and buy another properly with stamp duty and moving costs. I checked the the child maintenance calc and it's about £700 per month for both kids which is only untill they are 18/21. Also as I have a works pension would I still be able to get 50% share of his? Mine is less (about £1500 pcm once i retire) and his about £2500 pcm. Sorry to sound stupid .

Just read your update! I think it’s outrageous of him to want to avoid paying child maintenance. If you have the kids f/t your housing needs will take priority and it may be hard for him to force a sale of the house - you might even get a mesher order which grants you the right to stay until your children reach 18

Levithecat · 12/12/2024 20:58

Tracey Maloney on Instagram - thelegalqueen has heaps of good advice

Original poster
Computer125 · 12/12/2024 21:00

Bigsislookingforadvice · 12/12/2024 20:26

The reason he's offering the house is because his pension is probably worth more. Especially as he's been earning ft for longer. What's your pension provision?
You should definitely get advice - don't just think short term, you need to think future too. Children are expensive forever, not paying isn't really an option.
Think bigger picture than getting this done quickly

I'm doing the calcs and can't get my head around how I will be better off if he takes share of house rather than transferring it over to me? I would get around £700 pcm child maintenance for both kids. If I get that until they are 21 it totals around £142k. Aren't I better off taking they money now and I'm getting more plus don't have the moving costs until I'm ready to move? Yes I may get some of his pension but it's only around £1k more than mine per month.

OP posts:
Mamabearsmile · 12/12/2024 21:05

Computer125 · 12/12/2024 19:47

I am starting to prepare for divorce. I have 2 children 11 and 4. DH has said I can have all the house and will transfer in my name as long as I don't go after his pension. He also won't pay any child maintenance . He wants a DIY divorce to reduce costs and doesn't want to go to court. There is £0 savings as our salaries comes into a joint account. I am in charge of the money so I know there is nothing hidden. Our house is worth £600k and there is £120k left on the mortgage which I can cover on my single wage. I am 44 and he is 42 we both work full time and he earns £10k more than me. I am thinking this is a good option as I won't have to chase him for money and have it up front. But worried I'm missing something. Will the judge allow this? TIA

It doesn't work like that in law. The divorce proceeding will insist that he pays maintainence for his children. What's more, if you have not done this and you ever have to claim a benefit they won't pay you as its his responsibility. This very rule caught me out and my ex didn't like it much. It went a head though and he paid it. Good luck and take care. You both need legal advice.

Zanatdy · 12/12/2024 21:07

He will have to pay maintenance (or go through with 50/50) but i’d probably agree to take the house and not persue him for maintenance, especially if he’s threatening joint custody. I’m no lawyer but i’d consider that the best option for me and kids.

Piggled · 12/12/2024 21:07

Mamabearsmile · 12/12/2024 21:05

It doesn't work like that in law. The divorce proceeding will insist that he pays maintainence for his children. What's more, if you have not done this and you ever have to claim a benefit they won't pay you as its his responsibility. This very rule caught me out and my ex didn't like it much. It went a head though and he paid it. Good luck and take care. You both need legal advice.

Show quote history

Wrong. As I said, the family court doesn’t have jurisdiction if he earns less than 156k a year.

child maintenance isn’t just for married couples.

Levithecat · 12/12/2024 21:10

You could informally agree not to pursue child maintenance, but there is absolutely no way to have this written into your divorce financial agreement. You both clearly need legal advice to understand what is and isn’t possible.