Divorce help

[Computer125]

I am starting to prepare for divorce. I have 2 children 11 and 4. DH has said I can have all the house and will transfer in my name as long as I don't go after his pension. He also won't pay any child maintenance . He wants a DIY divorce to reduce costs and doesn't want to go to court. There is £0 savings as our salaries comes into a joint account. I am in charge of the money so I know there is nothing hidden. Our house is worth £600k and there is £120k left on the mortgage which I can cover on my single wage. I am 44 and he is 42 we both work full time and he earns £10k more than me. I am thinking this is a good option as I won't have to chase him for money and have it up front. But worried I'm missing something. Will the judge allow this? TIA

Your husband would also be stupid to agree to this because you could start a claim for CM at any time.

No court will allow non-payment of child maintenance to be a factor in a divorce financial settlement because you will always be entitled and eligible to claim it. You could agree and then a month later put a claim in, and he would have to pay. So child maintenance is irrelevant and can’t be factored in.

As an aside though I don’t know why you’d want to agree not to claim child maintenance, your children are young. Not to be negative but absolutely anything could happen, cost of living is only going up, you’d be stretching yourself on the house if you could only “just about” get the mortgage in your own name, can you afford to be the only one feeding, clothing, housing, paying for every single thing for those children? School uniforms, birthday and christmas presents, parties, food, school trips, clothes and shoes, as they get older that will become 2 mobile phones & phone contracts, 2 sets of driving lessons potentially, on top of being completely financially responsible for the upkeep of the house? Even in the best maintained homes things come up unexpectedly, burst pipe, a leak, boiler breaks down, oven breaks, bills going up, with only 1 income to sort all of that out plus support 3 people?

And that’s not factoring in that anything can happen health & job wise, you could find yourself falling unwell and unable to work full time ever again, you’d still be the only one supporting your household and children, it’s just not realistic to think that not claiming any child maintenance is a sensible option.

As an aside, why does he think he shouldn't pay maintenance? That would give me the absolute rage. Kids are a joint responsibility and disregarding the other finances it shouldn't all fall on you. They aren't an asset to be taken in to account like a pension & a house. What if they want to go to uni etc. I wouldn't agree to no maintenance.

My thinking was to get full ownership of the house, sell up in about a year and get a cheaper place without a mortgage. He doesn't want custody of kids but if I pursue child maintenance and pension he will want 50% share of the house. Even if I get a mesh order to prevent us selling until kids are 18 i will still have to sell and give him his share eventually , plus still have have contact with him then . I want a clean break ( I know that can't happen fully as we have kids). He is emotionally very abusive and has zero respect for me.

If he has no respect for you OP then even more reason not to accept his terms because who do you think they will be better for? Do you think he’d suggest something that puts you equal? No.

Child maintenance is irrelevant here, both of your solicitors will tell you that, you cannot include an agreement not to pay CMS in your divorce settlement because it falls outside of court remit, so that isn’t legally an option.

You both need legal advice because I don’t think either of you realise what is/isn’t possible and is/isn’t fair.

As soon as he realises you agreeing to not go after child maintenance won't hold up legally, it'll all be out of the window anyway.

Yeah exactly this, it’s irrelevant here. He will quickly realise that the agreement over child maintenance isn’t legally possible and so it’s all a moot point.

Never thought of that. One thing he does think of me though is being truthful, which is why I have full responsibility of finances. So if I say I'm not going after CM , he will believe me, regardless of what law says I could do in future. And then I won't need to go after CM if I get a house with no mortgage.

The starting point for a financial settlement is everything split 50:50. As you will have the children 100% of the time, the court could award you more. Look at wikivorce calculator online which will give you an estimate of what the ratio split could be.
You need to find out the exact value of both of your pension pots. You would be entitled to 50% of his and he would be entitled to 50% of yours. You could offer to not touch his pension and take a higher % of the house value to offset this. I really think you should see a lawyer to find out where you stand as you are clearly in a stronger position than him if you are having the kids all the time and you are a lower earner (I think). The court will also take in to account that your career progression was limited due to going part time to be there for the kids. Please please go and see and lawyer even for an initial consultation. It’s very much worth it to know the lay of the land.

Another thing to add is I found it quite an ordeal getting a mortgage on my own - the banks are much stricter on checking your finances so just check with a bank that they would be willing to lend

He’ll believe a lawyer he’s paying for advice over you.

Good point from MrsBonBons op. When I got divorced, I managed to keep the house but it was more difficult than expected - being a single applicant rather than a couple defo made it harder, and more expensive too. You Need Legal Advice.

My partner ended up giving his ex wife almost half a million pension pot, his was worth over £1mil in his early 50s.

Before anyone decides you should always have full facts - get an actuary report.

You cannot make decision without the full facts.

It's like a pizza, you cannot discuss/ negotiate your 50/50 until you know the value of all the ingredients as my partners solicitor said.

You say you’ll be having the kids full time, does this mean your DH, soon to be ex DH has said he doesn’t want to have the kids at all?

If he’s abusive be aware he could change the goal posts on you at anytime before anything is signed.

Seek legal advice pronto

You both need legal advice. Im thinking why should he give up his share of equity in the house? He will have to go on and provide a home for his children to come to, he's in need in terms of his part of the equity just as you are. It seems that you want all the money to plan your future for the children but you're crippling him to do his part which will impact on quality of life for your kids. You could argue that your children will fare better with 50/50 in put from both parents. That will also help with your work patterns. When you have children you are a team until they don't need you any more. The court will also take their view and needs into consideration. It's not a fight between one person and another it a sad resolution that protects your children and their living arrangements post your divorce. If he is emotionally abusive to you you can ask other family members to be buffers for pick ups and drop offs. That's common and reasonable. Families have to work hard to protect the children from the impact of divorce. Each parent has to have an even and fair hand and be reasonable to each other in front of them because divorces cause enormous pain to children. I sometimes think this is minimised or forgotten by divorcing parties. It not just about you. You are very important, your happiness is important but you can't make up the how's and the whys, the legal process has to be followed. How do I know all this? Well I'll give you three guesses.

He wants to see them, just not have custody.

Well said.

@Computer125 is he planning on seeing the kids ?
Is he seriously not going to contribute to their lives financially ?

That's what he's saying if he transfers the house over to me.

I'm trying to save up for a deposit for him so he can use that to start renting/get himself on his feet when he moves like £10k. I understand he will need some money. I will get advice from a solicitor as so many people have mentioned. I really appreciate you all taking time out to respond to me 😊

It's nothing to do with what you .ight get per month when you both retire. Both your pensions have 'A transfer value'. Yours might be £200k. His might be £600k. (Fugures just as an axample). If that's the case you've 1.28 million to share.

Get the transfer values ... you've no choice!

Why are you doing this for him if divorcing

@Computer125 please seek proper legal advice asap

He is emotionally very abusive and has zero respect for me.

You're going to get yourself into quite the mess trying to go along with his financial plans for the divorce and bending over backwards to get him a deposit etc.

He doesn't trust your honesty - he trusts his own ability to manipulate and bully you. You're still in that mindset of everything revolving around what he wants and what he thinks.

I'm glad you're going to get some legal advice. You should probably talk to domestic abuse services as well.