I know he's cheating

[Iknowthescore]

That's it really. I know my oh of nearly 2 decades is being unfaithful and yet I can not get any "evidence". I have to play the long game I guess. I can not walk away yet due to our young kids. I have to become financially sound again after being sahm too.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you deal with it?

Some women turn a blind eye and accept an open marriage. If you continue to sleep with him then get regular STD checks.

You don’t need to find proof OP, this isn’t a criminal trial and we have no fault divorce, you don’t need a smoking gun here

You do not need evidence. This is not a court of law. You know he’s cheating so plan your exit with due care. It is precisely for those children that you should walk away from their cheating dad.

No marriage contract? Do you own the house, at least? If you're dependent on him for housing he could kick you out at any time, prioritise your own financial security and housing (if relevant) as a urgent priority.

If you’re going to stick around then be sure to be fully up to date with finances, increase money into your own pension, get back in the workplace.

I'm back in the workplace. But yes need to work on financial security.

I would like evidence for my own sanity not for anything else. Leaving now is not an option. It's difficult to make hard decisions when you gaslight yourself, evidence can help provide reality checks at moments of weakness.

I understand this. You need concrete evidence, especially when you have children. You don’t want to break up the family unit n a hunch. Until you have evidence you can be almost certain but not 100%.

Why is it that you can’t get evidence? Can you not check his phone? Bank statements? Literally follow him to see if he goes where he says he’s going?

She also said she has zero evidence. So she can’t know for definite. You can, “know” in your gut but not, “know” for definite and I assume that’s what the OP is getting at.

Personally, if there was cheating I would end the relationship because the trust would be gone and I can’t stand disloyalty. However, there’s a lot of logistics to consider when you have children, which op does. I would want to know for absolute certainty that there was cheating before ending the relationship where children are involved. This way I would feel that I had done the right thing by my family. It’s about making life changing decisions based on facts and not just a hunch. You want to be able to look your children in the eye and know that you did the right thing.

Are you married?

I think you really need to plan in case he decides to leave and it is no longer in your hands.

How do you know he is cheating?

Yes, you need to find out for sure. What is the hunch based on?

For those who are wondering what the hunch is, it's complicated. Many signs, and frustratingly I can't follow him as I have very young children so can't leave them home alone late at night and I have absolutely no access to any records, financial or otherwise.

I appreciate what people are saying about the trust, but I think it goes without saying.

And yes, life changing decisions need to be made.

I know I'm not the only who has loved, or is living like this, so just wondered how they coped.

It is hard when you know you are being lied to and you do start to doubt yourself.

I completely get this OP.

I needed to completely satisfy myself that I was 100% sure because I knew my decision was putting a grenade into my family. Plus I didn't want to give him any opportunity to change my mind and try to wriggle out of it.

I played the long game for a few months then ended it.

Your financial independence and career opportunities will come in time - you make that happen. Please don't wait until that happens...for the time being he will have to do the financial heavy lifting whilst you get yourself on your feet.

You can do it. There's nothing more driven than a mother getting back on her feet.

Much to his annoyance I now own the family home and earn more than my exDH. My remaining potential is far more than his. That's after him earning 5x more than me.

Do what you can to hit that mental tipping point and then get the hell out OP. You won't look back.

I wish you all the best.

@Husbands1 @MoosakaWithFries
May I ask if and how you got the evidence you deserved? Was there any sense of relief? Thank you

I sympathise but what are the "many signs"?

Op hasn't really explained why her husband could be cheating.