I know he's cheating

[Iknowthescore]

That's it really. I know my oh of nearly 2 decades is being unfaithful and yet I can not get any "evidence". I have to play the long game I guess. I can not walk away yet due to our young kids. I have to become financially sound again after being sahm too.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you deal with it?

Initially I could just tell by the look in his eyes.

He worked away and the same woman was in a large group in his social media consistently. I had a hunch and her profile was available for me to see...of course it featured him.

He would go into the back garden for a cigarette and I'd see him from an upstairs window texting furiously.

His phone was glued to him constantly. If I had the opportunity I'd move it, say in between the sofa cushions and watch him panic.

The final straw was when I had back pain and took a diazipam...he told me to take two before I went to bed. I told him I did and he thought I was out of it in bed. I took none of the tablets and heard his whole late night facetime that confirmed it. It was engaging/embarrassing and liberating at the same time.

I got tested. Told him I has reoccurring UTIs so we couldn't have sex.

The stuff I did seems completely ridiculous but I had to confirm it in my head and I'm glad I did it.

He tried to get an answer for everything in desperation but by this point there was no moving me.

I felt like I was about to jump off a cliff before I told him. As soon as I did I just felt liberated and relieved.

I must add this was his second affair that I know about. The first one my reaction was a more knee-jerk reaction with zero evidence which meant he gaslit me for 2 years. He confessed to that after he knew there was no going back.

I think you cope by planning the future.

Which may be daunting, especially if you are some way off the level of financial security you think you need.

Start by working out the basics; in the aftermath of your separation you will need somewhere to live and enough income to cover food/household necessities and utility bills, and ideally some spending money in addition (kitting out a new place, DC outgrowing clothes etc) plus costs associated with work (commute, childcare)

Think in tandem about what sorts of child arrangements are likely - this will affect the amount of CM payable.

Then start doing sums - as you say OH rather than DH, am I right in assuming you're not married? Do you own a property or are you renting? If owned, what income do you need to be able to buy him out? Where will you live if there's no prospect of that? What savings do you have?

It looks like the most enormous list of things to consider, but you can chip away at it, one step at a time. And doing this will strengthen you, because the more you know you have options (even if it takes a little time to out them in to practice) the less likely you are to put up with shit

Do a benefits check to see if you could get universal credit and any other benefits if you were single. If so that will help.

Also check to see what you would get from him for the kids.

I think your urgent priority is to forget about evidence and start establishing your financial and housing security.

Maybe you don’t need evidence but I would want it and it sounds as if the op wants it too. Of course you could just up and leave without it, no-one’s saying you couldn’t but some people might need it for closure. I don’t know why you’ve got a hard on for me. I’m allowed to have my own viewpoint.

Bravo! 👏👏👏👏 I would do something similar. I would need to know for certain too. I’m glad you’re in a good place now. I don’t even know you but you post makes me want to applaud your dogged pursuit of the truth, despite the obvious emotional hardship. That’s strength in the face of adversity. Awesome 🙌

If I really had to stay because I felt like I had no choice for the moment due to finances then I would definitely not have sex with him ever again.

Why do you have no access to financial records etc esp after you’ve been a SAHM? Sounds like the problem isn’t he’s been cheating but that he’s financially abusive!

Tough one … I think I would want some sort of evidence just to be sure my intuition was right. But I would also say your gut feel is generally correct.

Lucky for me my exes were dim enough to just blurt it out if we had an argument … so no other evidence required.

Take some time to think about how you want to deal with it, but undoubtedly he will pick up on subtle changes from you at some point based on how you must be feeling, so start thinking about how / when you are going to confront the issue.

I am in the same position as you

@MoosakaWithFries i think everything you did was bloody genius.
And I hope you’ve gone from strength to strength since.

OP, can understand you wanting proof. You don’t want to split your family on a hunch and with proof no one can gaslight you in the future.
Do you have any inkling of a name, anyone he mentions frequently in a ‘ Sue was funny at work today’ type of thing? Anyone’s social media you can check for photos etc? I think just nudging his phone away under a book and seeing if he panics is a good starting point.
Alongside this start planning your finances. I was in an abusive marriage, there seemed to be too many strings to cut to get out but once I started planning it all fell into place. And was much easier than I’d thought possible.

@Allthehorsesintheworld that happened a couple weeks ago, his look after mislaying his phone and me finding it was complete panic. He has been much more relaxed with his phone since then and I think if anything was on it it won't be now. There are other things of course.

I'm taking baby steps towards future planning.

@MoosakaWithFries thanks for sharing. Very similar situation to me. I can't find any information like you did, I'm hoping more time will allow for slip ups.

Many people here have asked what my evidence is and why do I need evidence anyway. The list goes on with regards to my suspicions and I don't really want to share too much. This is about building my life with or without proof. But, having evidence that he can't refute, would help me and my mental health after months/ years of gaslighting.

Thank you @TipTipsyJoker and @Allthehorsesintheworld It was such an all-consuming, almost obsessive time where my mind was just on overtime constantly. Life immediately improved and I'd say it took me about 2 years to find me again. Which I did. You'll get there too OP.

@ThisJollyLimeBird Initially we did quite well but I realised that it was because I was still doing the donkey work with the DCs (it was me working part time/flexible working to facilitate his career). I then stopped that. I also met my DP after 3 years. I really think he thought that no-one wanted me and that I would still need him. The DC are mid-teens now so my contact is only for emergencies. If I see him he's in the supermarket wine aisle and I barely recognise him (his alcohol use is a whole other thread). I often say I rose like a phoenix and he just wanted me in the gutter 🤣

@ThisJollyLimeBird I hear what you are saying, it isn't possible to leave now. It's complex and roo outing to explain but that is the reality and the fact of the matter is I've been through a damn sight worse in my life and will survive. He has a great relationship with the kids.

You may find it through imaginative ways but as the PP says, this has a huge affect on your mental health and it's unsustainable for anything more than a short period of time.

This sums it up, courts don't cross their arms and look sternly and peer above their glasses and go 'whose been a naughty boy' it doesn't work that way

Another one ignoring red flags