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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My head is all over the place :(

62 replies

arch2024 · 12/12/2024 11:25

Hi , I am reaching out for some guidance as this has thrown me .
I've been friends with a colleague for over 20 years .
It's always been platonic.
Recently it shifted.
He's married.
I never thought he would do that . I'm disappointed in myself but also him .
We crossed the line more than once . We do spend a lot of time together and have slept in the same bed a number of times.
I'm confused and sad. Don't shout as this is left field for me and I don't know how to move fiorward with the friendship without always falling back into bed.
I didn't even know he felt that way about me .
Don't judge me. I just want to understand how best to move forward.
He's cheated and told me he doesn't regret it.

OP posts:
colesr · 12/12/2024 11:27

just want to understand how best to move forward.

Stay away from him. So easy.

Rocknrollstar · 12/12/2024 11:29

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants to string you along and keep you for whenever he feels like it. Don’t go out with him and don’t invite him to your place.

Candy24 · 12/12/2024 11:36

His poor wife. You avoid him asap. Him he is evil.

EmotionalSupportBiscuit · 12/12/2024 11:38

You tell him you regret crossing the line. And you stay away from any situations where it could happen again.

Your friendship won’t ever be the same as it was before, but that’s the price you pay.

thiscantbemylife · 12/12/2024 11:40

Why does no one ever care about their wives. It’s always me me me. Don’t judge you lol okay

Thinkimlosingmymarbles · 12/12/2024 12:51

Have some self respect for a start. Do you want a relationship with a man who wants you as a back up? What’s your situation? Where does his wife think he is when with you? Are there children involved? Think of that also.

Catbabymammy · 12/12/2024 12:55

what has changed? Are you vulnerable in some way?

404ErrorCode · 12/12/2024 12:59

You don’t know how to move forward with the friendship?

That’s an easy one - don’t be “friends” with him anymore. You can’t maintain boundaries, so you must leave him out of your life from now on. No contact whatsoever.

There is no other way.

Twosticksandstring · 12/12/2024 13:01

404ErrorCode · 12/12/2024 12:59

You don’t know how to move forward with the friendship?

That’s an easy one - don’t be “friends” with him anymore. You can’t maintain boundaries, so you must leave him out of your life from now on. No contact whatsoever.

There is no other way.

Edited

This

Original poster
arch2024 · 12/12/2024 13:03

Agree with all of you .
I'm annoyed at myself.
I do feel for his wife and kids . I also don't want to be with someone who has no respect for his wife.
I played my part of course and I care for him as a friend.
He was the one person I never thought would cheat . I had him on an ivory tower.
I'm also not there to fix his unhappiness as plan b.
His marriage is clearly dead but he has to sort that not me . The minute you sleep with someone else it's the ultimate betrayal.

OP posts:
Weyohweyoh · 12/12/2024 13:04

You “feel for his wife and kids” ?
That’s big of you.

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 13:05

So you have no idea how to continue your friendship with a married man without the pair of you fucking? Disappointed?? Don’t you mean disgusted?

Seriously give your head a wobble if being the side chick to a lying cheat is a friendship you want to cling to.

You're not an innocent victim. His poor wife - she’s the only victim here

MounjaroOnMyMind · 12/12/2024 13:05

An awful lot of men will say their marriages are dead if it means someone will sleep with them.

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 13:06

Weyohweyoh · 12/12/2024 13:04

You “feel for his wife and kids” ?
That’s big of you.

But not enough to keep her knickers on apparently

Jostuki · 12/12/2024 13:07

He's a piece of work. Cheating on his wife and now diddling his colleague/friend.

He won't feel one bit of remorse or feel embarrassed and want to leave his job but I bet you do!

What's done is done.

Now you have to pull yourself together and only communicate with him on a professional level at work.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you as his partner, it was just sex to him. Oh and power. Power to wield over you.

Just as you wouldn't walk into a shop and help yourself to a box of Malteser's and stuff your face, stop going anywhere near him and helping yourself to someone else's husband.

It's really not that difficult to keep your knickers on when alone with him.

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 12/12/2024 13:08

Okay, I think that you know what you need to do. You aren't feeling great about how this is going yourself as you seem to be feeling 'super guilty' from your posts.

I have never had a partner have an affair on me, but it isn't something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

Cut this short before it destroys you and his family. That would be my advice. All the best.

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 13:09

The minute you sleep with someone else it's the ultimate betrayal.

And yet you were happy to facilitate this ‘ultimate betrayal’

What exactly do you see in a lying cheating piece of shit that makes you want to be the OW?

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/12/2024 13:17

Raise your bar op. Unfortunately this man deserves no more pedestals or ivory towers than any other lying, cheating piece of shit. What’s done is done, so stay away from him for your own sake, and keep it professional in the workplace when you do have to see him. His poor wife.

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 12/12/2024 13:20

This is pretty easy to fix though.

You made a mistake, he made a mistake.

Just keep away from him completely for your own sanity. Block him, cry to your friends. He's rubbish anyway if he's limping on in a dead marriage and shagging you.

You can be the one to put boundaries in this situation, you are in control much more than you think- you aren't going to tumble into the same bed if you aren't speaking to him, texting him or hanging out with him for the foreseeable few months.

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 12/12/2024 13:21

I'm not even going to try to guilt you into stopping this.

I'm saying- this won't be good for your wellbeing or mental health to continue in this situation. It's not healthy and it's self-destructive to do so.

Plus you now know he's not quite the guy you thought he was.

Protect yourself, OP, let him face his own consequences.

Arlanymor · 12/12/2024 13:23

End the friendship and keep your distance.

Gem359 · 12/12/2024 13:31

This is really easy OP, this friendship has nowhere to go and you need to end it completely. The best thing to do would be to start looking for a new job.

You sound like you are passively falling into this affair while feeling you have little agency over your life. You need to stop thinking like that. The way you are behaving, shagging a married man, is not the way a happy, functional, stable person behaves.

I think you need to take a long hard look at your whole life and start working on your self esteem.

404ErrorCode · 12/12/2024 13:33

The minute you sleep with someone else it's the ultimate betrayal.

No - he has already betrayed his spouse by entering an emotional affair that’s on the cusp of turning physical. Betrayal began when he crossed the boundary of it being just friends. Emotional affairs are seen by many as the ultimate betrayal.

Imperrysmum · 12/12/2024 13:35

arch2024 · 12/12/2024 11:25

Hi , I am reaching out for some guidance as this has thrown me .
I've been friends with a colleague for over 20 years .
It's always been platonic.
Recently it shifted.
He's married.
I never thought he would do that . I'm disappointed in myself but also him .
We crossed the line more than once . We do spend a lot of time together and have slept in the same bed a number of times.
I'm confused and sad. Don't shout as this is left field for me and I don't know how to move fiorward with the friendship without always falling back into bed.
I didn't even know he felt that way about me .
Don't judge me. I just want to understand how best to move forward.
He's cheated and told me he doesn't regret it.

We are judging you. You are not a good person. Still you are thinking me me me because the answer is simple. Cut it off, cut off all communication and warn him not to talk to you again.

lionloaf · 12/12/2024 14:07

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 13:06

But not enough to keep her knickers on apparently

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“Don’t shout” at her though. Daft cow.

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