My head is all over the place :(

[arch2024]

Hi , I am reaching out for some guidance as this has thrown me .
I've been friends with a colleague for over 20 years .
It's always been platonic.
Recently it shifted.
He's married.
I never thought he would do that . I'm disappointed in myself but also him .
We crossed the line more than once . We do spend a lot of time together and have slept in the same bed a number of times.
I'm confused and sad. Don't shout as this is left field for me and I don't know how to move fiorward with the friendship without always falling back into bed.
I didn't even know he felt that way about me .
Don't judge me. I just want to understand how best to move forward.
He's cheated and told me he doesn't regret it.

Hi,
I didn't see this coming . To be fair I thought he was my friend. 20 years is a long time.
Yes I do feel for his wife because I always thought they were perfect.
Absolutely I went along with this I know that .
I also don't want to be with a cheater and no I don't want to ruin someone's marriage.
I am aware he wants to have his cake and eat it and I will put an end to it .
I'm happy to work professionally with him.
When I said disappointed I meant in me and the person I thought he was .
Like I said , never thought it would happen once never mind twice or more.
We do have an emotional bond .
I'm to blame too here I get that . It's all I have thought about.
I hate how he is so chilled about it and no regrets . Life is going on as normal and yet I feel awful and sad for what we have lost as the dynamic will change.
I want to talk to him to clear the air and move forward.

Pointless talking hi him as you will become emotional and he will be smirking inside pleased that after all these years he got you into bed.

Don't talk to him a bout anything, not even the weather, unless it's work related.

Make it clear that whatever friendship you had is now gone forever.

Why talk to him? Neither of you have wanted to address it this far. Just cut off contact other than professional working conversation. You do know you can’t have a friendship now? You could have if it had gone to the brink but one of you had pulled back, but neither of you did.

You've got your head in the clouds and being totally unrealistic. You claim you had no idea, that's BS, there would of been flirting in the run up. You certainly knew after the first time, but you carried on regardless. What does that show? It shows that you already haven't been able to go back to friendship, it says you are both too week for that. Telling yourself you are fine to work with him is probably just lying to yourself, if you had any willpower, you would of been Ble to say no in the first time.
Plenty of women think their relationship is good when this happens, so don't kid yourself that the marriage is dead, it may well not be, men do lie to get another into bed.
It all amounts to excuses and blame, but you were not a bystander, you chose it.
Your friendship is over and one of you should get a job elsewhere. That's the only way to move on - out of sight, out of mind. Trying to hold onto the friendship is both wrong and stupid.

This thread is very odd. You are not an innocent bystander here OP. You made the decision to sleep with him several times. At least be accountable for it!

Absolutely I chose to olay my part.
I am not disputing that .
I am angry with myself and your right . We haven't addressed it.
He's probably happy too . Who wouldn't be with the wife at home and she is none the wiser. He has his cake and eats it .
Yes I need to take control . No I don't need a new job as it's a client not internal staff.
I thought he l loved his wife dearly and never thought it we would have both been complicit . Forget me , I am single and I will learn from this !! I never had him down as a cheat.
It breaks my heart that the dynamic has changed and now it will never be the same . I would have also hoped he would have told me he regretted it.

I take full accountability for my part.

A man who wants to sleep with you again is not going to tell you he regrets having done so already.

You know what you have to do.

Make sure HR doesn’t find out you’ve been sleeping with a client. His poor wife.

Op says this in the first post

'I've been friends with a colleague for over 20 years .'

She says in the OP he’s married and in her update refers to his wife and kids.

She’s known from day 1

You and this man have both behaved appallingly.

You ask what to do next?

1. You don't post an attention seeking post about how confused you are.
2. You stop sleeping with a married man.
3. He stops cheating on his wife.

Sorry you are suffering but the answer is staring you in the face.

You absolutely cannot move forward with the friendship.

If you have any respect for his wife and dc, then you need to get a new job, and if that is not possible, avoid him as much as possible at work and keep your interactions strictly professional. Do not allow yourself to be in a position where you are physically alone with him from now on.

Don't talk to him about it, text him saying I want to be professional only going forward, I'm sure you understand and then don't ever text him personally again, only through work email.

You are not a passenger in your own life, you are letting him in, giving him personal texts and meet-ups and sleeping with him, emotionally bonding.

You have to properly cut off- seeing him to 'discuss it' will have you falling back into bed with him again!

Reading all your comments I can't disagree.
It's awful what I have done.
Agree his poor wife but I am not telling her .
I don't want to break the family up.
If he had anything about him he would tell her and let her decide but we all know that won't happen.
I have to live with this feeling and it's horrible.
I also wanted to talk to him to be clear and set boundaries that's all .
Yes I knew he was married.
Yes I was wrong.
I don't know how to fix it.
I could be one of many.
I know you're all having a go at me and I get that but I couldn't feel any worse and the way he is carrying on without a care in the world makes me feel even more sick .

I would go deeper than that, based on my own experience.

When I was young, I had lots of guy friends. I didn't fancy any of them, but they were meeting some kind of need of mine. They went partway towards my need for a close relationship with a man. None of them bar one has lasted. None. I see now that it was not quite what I needed, I actually needed the whole package from one man, and nothing from any other men.

So my question to you op is...is this friendship meeting 70% of your need for a proper relationship? Why were you so close to him for 20 years? I'd say, knock this one on the head and work out how you can find a clean and true proper relationship with a man you respect.

You can't carry on a friendship with this person, you will always want more and he's more than happy to use you for sex despite being married.

The only thing you can do is cut all ties. Block and delete his number and stay well away! His wife deserves better and if you carry this on you're only playing yourself.

If you're colleagues then that makes things a little trickier. Unless you don't cross paths often at work, then it's going to be difficult to completely avoid him. You need to stop contact. Block his number. This will not only ruin your life but it will destroy his family, if his wife were to discover the truth. He wants his cake and to eat it! You need to pull up your big girl pants and end the affair. You will never be able to go back to just being friends, that boat has sailed. Don't be 'that woman', waiting around for crumbs that her married lover can give her. In the long-term, you need to find a new job, so you are no longer working with him.

I'm happy to work professionally with him

That will not be possible. You have to cut contact or you will find yourself 'falling into bed'. You said yourself you didn't expect this to happen once or twice or more. But it has because neither of you have enough self control.

You need some self awareness so if you can get rid of him as a client, fine. But if not, you will need to work elsewhere.

You can and should cut all ties with him.
Can't be friends or colleagues now.

I also wanted to talk to him to be clear and set boundaries that's all.

I can almost guarantee this will end up in sex or kissing if it's a public place.