My head is all over the place :(

[arch2024]

Hi , I am reaching out for some guidance as this has thrown me .
I've been friends with a colleague for over 20 years .
It's always been platonic.
Recently it shifted.
He's married.
I never thought he would do that . I'm disappointed in myself but also him .
We crossed the line more than once . We do spend a lot of time together and have slept in the same bed a number of times.
I'm confused and sad. Don't shout as this is left field for me and I don't know how to move fiorward with the friendship without always falling back into bed.
I didn't even know he felt that way about me .
Don't judge me. I just want to understand how best to move forward.
He's cheated and told me he doesn't regret it.

Op, you talk as if this is something that has just…..happened to you, rather than something you actively chose to do?
Cut all ties now. No professional relationship, no relationship of any kind, he goes in the bin. Don’t be that woman, it’s shit.
His type are always cocky and arrogant which means the wife WILL find out. And then he’ll blame you….you will be portrayed as the evil temptress, your reputation will be ruined and he will probably stay married! Stop it. Now.

Stop blaming the other person for what they have done by saying stuff like "I never thought he would do that". Own up for what have you done and deal with the consequences like an grown up.
Furthermore, I don't think you understand the meaning of "being in an ivory tower." If you do, your reasoning comes across as incoherent.

You can’t fix it, it’s done. You can’t go forward with him as a friend, as he’s not is he? You need to block him as far as possible, and get on with your life.

A talk will not clear the air, it will almost certainly lead to more sex. Then the angst, and repeat.

If you really don’t want this ( and it’s not clear you don’t imo ) then stop it, stop communicating with him, stop speculating about his marriage, and stop agonising about it . You can do all this if you put your mind to it.

Alternatively crack on with an affair. For what it’s worth his behaviour suggests it’s not the first time he’s done it whatever he is telling you.

To echo other posters, you don't need to talk to him to clear the air, you need to be professional and aloof. Only discuss work related issues if you have to. Block his number and avoid being alone with him.

When I mean him doing it I mean that I always thought he was loyal and adorned his wife . I didn't think he was that type of person is what I mean .
I absolutely own it .

He's an abuser.

He's abusing his wife. He's stealing her personal agency and the pair of you her right to informed sexual consent. He's putting her physical/sexual health at risk and her mental health.

Don't even try to excuse it with their marriage is dead you simply have no idea.

I have no idea why you expect kind words and sympathy. You're colluding in the abuse of another woman.

Well he's shown you what type of person he is now and presumably you wouldn't want to be friends anyway with someone lacking moral fibre? Regardless of the 20 years in the past... he's showing you who he is now.

Cut ALL ties - I'm sure someone else at work can deal with him as a client - and focus on looking forward, not back. Even good people can do bad things, where the 'good' bit comes in is atoning and never ever doing it again. As of this moment he should be completely in your rear view mirror. Forever.

Honestly your in no position to judge him.....you knew he was married yetvacted like a ....... sorry nut your not a good person in anyway. You have probably ruined someones Christmas hope yoyrs sucks big time

As to their marriage being dead..... your just plain stupid.

If he's comfortable being unfaithful to his wife, he's not a keeper. Because if you end up together, you'll never trust him.

Draw a line under it, move on and put your guard up around this man. He's not your friend....

I think you should be more disappointed in the person you are to go along with this farce.