To contemplate cheating on my husband

[LaceyLou42]

Been with DH 15 years. Last 3 years I have suffered emotional abuse. The last 6 months there’s been this guy at work who has been very attentive shall we say. There’s sexual chemistry there and if I’m honest I want to sleep with him and the feeling is very clearly mutual. I’ve told my husband time and time again how unhappy I am yet nothing has changed. However… things have come to a head just recently and me and DH have had some serious conversations. When I told him I’ve been so down I’ve thought about suicide and contemplated cheating I got the impression he’d rather I killed myself than cheated. He has been crying so much and is clearly very sorry and is petrified of losing me. It’s broke my heart seeing him so upset, I do love him, just perhaps not “in love” nor do I find him attractive anymore. But when he was crying he looked just like a little boy and now I feel guilty for even considering playing away. I feel terrible because I wish none of this was happening…..yet I still feel like I could cheat easily. But then I know I should stop thinking like this and give things a chance to change. The temptation is very very real. Any advice is appreciated.

Get a new job

If you’re not happy, you need to leave your DH. If you want to be with this other man, fine but don’t cheat.

Just leave him, then you can sleep with whoever you want. You've suffered emotional abuse from him just split up.

What’s cheating going to achieve?

If you’re unhappy with your marriage, end it. Then have sex with whoever you please.

And a divorce! Stop acting like you’re a passenger in your life.

The crying is a control tactic.

Get divorced and rid yourself of this man. Get therapy so that you're not jumping into bed with any man just for validation or supposed love.
Then you can seek as much attention as you please when single and do it from a better more stable place

Once you start to seriously consider another man I think it’s kind of over. In real life you most likely won’t be leaving him tomorrow or even next week but it does show that you still care about DH but not in the way you originally did.

It sounds like your husband has mental health problems. Would that explain the emotional abuse?

i think so yes. He thinks if we go back to “normal” it will fix him. He said if he continues to feel mentally ill he will get help

Probably what I needed to hear. Thank you, genuinely

Why are you not separating?

He doesn't sound well at all OP and it sounds like he needs support. If you think he's in crisis then you can contact the mental health team on NHS Direct option 2. Otherwise make a Dr appointment as he's obviously not coping.

Find out what's triggered this eg stress or bereavement and make lifestyle changes or find appropriate therapy. You can try BACP for a therapist.

Knock the affair fantasies on the head.

When I told him I’ve been so down I’ve thought about suicide and contemplated cheating I got the impression he’d rather I killed myself than cheated

What were you looking for form him when you said this? Surely the most logical solution to being abused for 3 years would be to leave. You make it sound like you were hoping your DH would suddenly turn into a better person if he thought you would cheat (or the other)

If he is genuinely making you suicidal, leave.

There’s no explanation or excuse for any form of abuse.

My DH cries, does the lost little boy thing.
It stems from childhood trauma, I’m fairly immune to it now as it’s definitely a tactic to get me back onside.

Is there any sex anymore? Seems obvious, but you’re missing that vital connection with your husband.

It’s the same, here. An affair isn’t the answer.

From what you describe, it sounds like your marriage has irretrievably broken down. Anything your husband does now will too little, too late.
Divorce and when you are a single woman you can date or sleep with whoever you choose.
Having said that, colleagues who are open to having an affair with married colleagues aren't probably the best partners.

Divorce the abuser. His crying is irrelevant, he wasn't crying when he was enjoying being an abuser, so it's just to try to manipulate you.
Enjoy being single and have sex with whoever you want.

If you're not in love then you need to leave before you even think about another person. I don't get this air of things being done to you - you have agency. Make good decisions. An affair is not a good decision. Sorting out a mutual plan to fix your marriage is a good decision - as is leaving the marriage it if it is unfixable.

I'm really sorry that you're sad and things are hard, but they can only get better through good decision-making, not via a quick shag with someone you fancy.

An affair will just complicate the situation however tempting it is.

You need to ignore his tears, find a backbone and leave him. Women don’t have to be people pleasers all the time. It’s time to please youself for once.

We have a young child. I think I’ve stayed for security. And in the hope it’ll all stop. Which he reckons it will now.

Leave. Just leave your husband.

You can’t justify an affair, just leave!!

Daydreaming or fantasy can get you through the day, but once you step into actually planning it I think it reveals deep problems in your relationship.

This. Threatening suicide if he doesn’t do what you want is manipulative.

If you are genuinely suicidal then phone your doctor now and ask for help.

If you are unhappIly Married get a divorce. Any reason to cheat is a reason to leave . It’s not a binary choice between taking your own life and cheating.

You sounds like someone who plans to cheat on their spouse and is lining up what they believe is a plausible excuse in advance.

Hi op I think many affairs happen for exactly the reasons you list above. I think when you have been feeling low and depleted because someone else has been abusive and difficult to live with it doesn't take much to be flattered by someone else who makes you feel good. I am sure we have nearly all been there with this and there is nothing wrong with you. However, being tempted and following through on it are very different things and I think you would really regret taking the chap at work up on the offer because it will do so much damage and hurt so many people (husband, kids, yourself, chap at work, wider family, etc). Many people struggle to get over this sort of hurt. It's a bad idea. Give you and your husband 1-2 years to work on the marriage, he needs to get some therapy. However if he is abusive and hasn't tried to get help and change, just leave him. Life is too short to waste to be around abuse.

You haven't said what form the emotional abuse has taken. Is that something that can be worked on with him? If not, you need to separate