To contemplate cheating on my husband

[LaceyLou42]

Been with DH 15 years. Last 3 years I have suffered emotional abuse. The last 6 months there’s been this guy at work who has been very attentive shall we say. There’s sexual chemistry there and if I’m honest I want to sleep with him and the feeling is very clearly mutual. I’ve told my husband time and time again how unhappy I am yet nothing has changed. However… things have come to a head just recently and me and DH have had some serious conversations. When I told him I’ve been so down I’ve thought about suicide and contemplated cheating I got the impression he’d rather I killed myself than cheated. He has been crying so much and is clearly very sorry and is petrified of losing me. It’s broke my heart seeing him so upset, I do love him, just perhaps not “in love” nor do I find him attractive anymore. But when he was crying he looked just like a little boy and now I feel guilty for even considering playing away. I feel terrible because I wish none of this was happening…..yet I still feel like I could cheat easily. But then I know I should stop thinking like this and give things a chance to change. The temptation is very very real. Any advice is appreciated.

the fact that you told your husband instead of just hooking up with the guy in secret suggests you're subconsciously looking to end your relationship regardless.

What he's done wouldn't excuse you having an affair. The answer if he is abusive is to leave. The answer If you are going to sleep with someone else is to leave before you do that. There's no justification for cheating. If you're going to have an emotional or physical relationship with someone else do the right thing and leave first.

But you've said "I’ve told my husband time and time again how unhappy I am yet nothing has changed." Do you really believe it will stop now? Seems unlikely.

Take the energy you have now from thinking about another person and put it into getting yourself and your child out of this situation. You are NOT responsible for another adult, he can sort himself out and if this has been going on for three years then clearly things won't magically get better. If he was genuine he would have tried earlier wouldn't he? It shouldn't have to come to this.

You haven't said what form this emotional abuse takes, but also not good to have your kid be around it - even if they don't directly witness anything you will be amazed what children can pick up on. Make a good choice for you and your child and just end this whole situation.

We have a young child. I think I’ve stayed for security.

You are damaging your young child by staying in an abusive relationship.

That is shit advice and won't solve the problem

No one should work on abuse.
There is a kid being traumatised by being made to live an abusive house.

this is the first time I’ve said I feel like leaving and he says this has been a reality check for him he finally understands why I’ve been so down

@LaceyLou42 When it comes to separation, the younger the child, the easier it tends to be. At a very young age, they may not remember much, and the transition is often less traumatic. I know someone who separated when their child was 2, and the child has grown up knowing nothing different than having two homes. Life for everyone involved has settled into a fairly normal and undramatic routine. In fact, the child is genuinely happy—they get two of everything: two holidays, double the Christmas and birthday presents.

That being said—and this is just my personal opinion—if your husband is struggling with his mental health and needs support, it might be worth considering staying with him through this tough time. When you got married, you made vows to be there “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.” Etc etc. Marriage is about partnership and supporting each other as a unit. Of course, only you can know what’s best for your situation and that's only my personal opinion.

You have three very valid options:

a) talk to your husband try and sort it out, suggest counselling or read Gottmans books.
b) leave your husband
c) put up with your relationship as it is.

option d) cheat. Will not help your marriage.

Why do you think option d) is even an option? It may help your dopamine in the short term but why do you think it’s acceptable to cheat? Also you say your husband is abusive - do you not think cheating is abuse (lying, gaslighting) cheating causes PTSD in some betrayed people.

Cheating is a choice. Read ‘not just friends’ by Glass and ‘Cheating in a nutshell’ by Mitchell and Mitchell.

For me I find it easier to explain infidelity by saying why I don’t cheat on my husband. I wouldn’t cheat for me. My values of integrity and honesty are for me. Nothing my husband does could influence me to cheat because I am faithful for me. I want to look at myself each morning and like who I see. My husband doesn’t make me faithful, he isn’t that powerful, in fact he is just my collateral damage.

Gottmans relationship books are excellent. Read them with your husband. Change job. Any man (or woman) who would accept being a side piece isn’t a good bet in my opinion. Who would choose to be hidden in the shadows?

First time in three years? I feel so sorry for you, how awful that it has taken this long to share your feelings with him. I also don't believe that he is so dense as to not have realised his behaviour before you have threatened to leave. He's had three years to change and he hasn't - I would be very surprised if it all now magically gets better just because of this threat. People say all manner of things under duress, but it doesn't mean they will act on it. Believe people by their actions not by their words.

this is the first time I’ve said I feel like leaving and he says this has been a reality check for him he finally understands why I’ve been so down

Of course he said that. He is an abuser, he is playing you, it's manipulation. Abusive men don't turn into good people if you threaten to leave/shag a work colleague/end your life.

Sorry but those are religious wedding vows, I never promised that when I got married in 2005. Just wanted to make that point as it's increasingly important with the arrival of civil partnerships etc.

I've been you OP, right down to the abusive relationship and telling dh I felt suicidal and like having sex with another man. I wanted to shock him into changing but it didn't change anything. Then I actually met someone who I was very attracted to and who pursued me and it happened. At that point I was so down I felt like I didn't care if I lived or died. I think I maybe had some sort of breakdown.

My advice is get divorced if you can before it reaches that stage. Ive found it impossible to leave for financial reasons and also bc I feel it's not the right time re my dc's and dh's stress with work but I'm not sure there will ever be a right time.

I admitted the affair to dh and it was an awful time but ultimately I've stayed with him - he is now trying to be the perfect husband and fought to keep me but unfortunately I just don't feel the same about him any more. I don't think you get those feelings back and the fact I fell head over heels in love with another man has made me realise it's over really. It's my own fault though for not having a career and making my own money. I just feel ground down now and like it's too late, I've made my bed and need to lie in it etc. It's a lot better between us now he's being nice but the love part of it has gone for me. It would be good if it came back as it would make things easier but I just don't know if it will.

The other man wasn't the answer btw, I mistook lust and infatuation for love.

Why do you feel unable to leave? Is it just guilt or for financial reasons etc?

I feel sad that I’m even feeling tempted. I don’t condone it but I understand now how affairs happen. I wouldn’t want to even be in a relationship with this other man. I’d be doing it for my own selfish sexual gratification

My abusive ex husband used the “sickness and health, better for worse” line.

Nobody ever qualified how much worse. I don’t remember my vows having a “worse” threshold built in.

Any form of abusive behaviour should be over that threshold.

Very good.
Nothing to add 👍

You need a divorce and stay single for a while so you can work on yourself.
Dont go cheating thats going to cause more drama.

@theworldie
If you are staying try reading Gottmans work. Best relationships books out there (in my opinion).

I can’t thank you enough for your candid response. I feel unable to leave for many reasons. Time invested. We’ve been together all our adult lives. Albeit I haven’t been happy we are a family. We’re financially comfortable. I do love him (but not “in love??”) and I worry if I leave on a whim that I’ll be happier with other people I could end up regretting leaving, especially if he is serious about changing. All I know is we can’t continue as we are. Good for you for telling your husband the truth. If I did anything I couldn’t do that, I know it would kill him.

No, it really wouldn't kill him, OP.

Oh God the crying thing still haunts me after sixteen years. It felt like I was an evil monster hurting a small child. If you leave, you'll probably receive many messages that pull at your heart strings, interspersed with angry, abusive messages.

I still have moments of feeling guilty even though he's been an absolute bastard for the past sixteen years.

Regarding the cheating, I have no opinion on your morals...I'd only advise against it because it will hand too much power to your husband...he'll use it against you and you'll feel so guilty that you'll let him get away with things. I'd probably not be dreading a retirement with no pension if I hadn't cheated.

wouldn’t want to even be in a relationship with this other man. I’d be doing it for my own selfish sexual gratification

You really have bigger things to worry about than sexual gratification right now. How about prioritising your child and getting them out of the toxic environment where they see their mother being abused and think that's normal?

This is just bs controlling tactics.
What is ‘normal’ and what needs to happen for things to be normal? I take it he means you have to stop telling him you’re unhappy and want to leave? How long does have to be feeling down before he gets help- a month, a year, another 15 years?

LTB, have a fling with the guy at work (it won’t last) and move on.

I did anything I couldn’t do that, I know it would kill him.

He would not be bothered that you had been with someone else he would be bothered that he had lost control. Don't kid yourself into thinking a man who has abused you for 3 years loves you, or even cares about you. He cares about himself. Only.

The fact that you’ve invested time and spent your whole adult life with this man is not a reason to stay with him.
Look up the ‘sunk cost fallacy’.