To contemplate cheating on my husband

[LaceyLou42]

Been with DH 15 years. Last 3 years I have suffered emotional abuse. The last 6 months there’s been this guy at work who has been very attentive shall we say. There’s sexual chemistry there and if I’m honest I want to sleep with him and the feeling is very clearly mutual. I’ve told my husband time and time again how unhappy I am yet nothing has changed. However… things have come to a head just recently and me and DH have had some serious conversations. When I told him I’ve been so down I’ve thought about suicide and contemplated cheating I got the impression he’d rather I killed myself than cheated. He has been crying so much and is clearly very sorry and is petrified of losing me. It’s broke my heart seeing him so upset, I do love him, just perhaps not “in love” nor do I find him attractive anymore. But when he was crying he looked just like a little boy and now I feel guilty for even considering playing away. I feel terrible because I wish none of this was happening…..yet I still feel like I could cheat easily. But then I know I should stop thinking like this and give things a chance to change. The temptation is very very real. Any advice is appreciated.

:( affair won't help you . You need to tackle these problems head on first

I can't understand how any man can be like this. Has he no self respect at all? He's got to live with the picture of another man fucking you, you've stayed for the money, and he's trying now, to be the perfect husband.

If you don't want to be with him, leave. Don't cheat on him. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. He would probably get over a divorce easier than his wife cheating with a work colleague.

It’s all delay tactics . He won’t get help he has delayed it by saying “if”
he had done nothing up untill
now.

these tears are about him not him feeling bad about how he treated you .
He doesn’t what rejection nothing to do with loving you . Sorry

Now he has words that mean nothing and crocodile tears .
Where has his actions been all this time to make things better ?

All he had been doing is abusing you. .

Leave him and focus on your future. .
Make a clean break though and don’t Confuse things with an affair

Absolutely!!!

Op what about if you leave you will
be happier ALONE and also give your child a chance at happiness

Tbh I think it's bordering on abuse to tell someone that you are thinking of killing your self / cheating on them and then not leave them because of security. He is either abusive or he isn't ... if he is then you should obviously leave I'm not sure how sleeping with someone else is going to solve your issues. You both sound confused and should probably separate.

There has been a lot of cheating in my family and having seen the fallout… don’t do it. Your marriage is a mess now, wait to see what it’s like if you cheat. Your husband is an arse now, wait to see what it’s like if he feels like he’s got a free pass to get revenge. Everyone will think you’re the bitch regardless of whatever your husband has done, because you’re the one who cheated.

I'm sure there will be a long line of people waiting to bollock you because it’s morally wrong (it is) but even if it wasn’t… you don’t need this.

if you want to stick with your husband then you both could go to counselling, not sure what else would help. Otherwise many people do not regret divorce op, you have a lot of life left to enjoy.

Speaking as someone who thinks fidelity is not always 100% black and white, and has also contemplated (but not actually acted upon) cheating - trust me, you are NOT in the right headspace to be entering into an affair.
If you are feeling down, suicidal etc then there could not be a worse time to think about starting another romantic entanglement. You need to be in a place of confidence, independence and clarity about what you want.
Even if you haven’t told this guy at work about the state you’re in emotionally, it will be showing in your body language, so he sounds like an arsehole who preys on vulnerable women tbh - I would leave him well alone. Your first port of call should be some counselling,

I worry if I leave on a whim that I’ll be happier with other people I could end up regretting leaving

Don't have an affair, don't even think about another partner. Leave your abusive husband, he's never gonna change. You need time on your own without a man to discover who you are and what you need.

I say all of this with experience and a lot of love, the last thing you need right now is a man.

You'll find your strength 💪 to do this. Think of your dc too ❤️

Only consider staying in the marriage if your husband makes good on his word to improve. Call him to action.
Watch him seek therapy.
Support him in counselling.
Hope for huge improvement but don't stay as a martyr.

He might learn some skills in communication and respect that will assist your relationship and his mental health regardless of whether you stay together. You still have to parent with him for years.

You don't deserve to suffer in an unhappy relationship.

Nc for this as I hope you will take heed of my story. I felt like this, beaten down (emotionally not physically, but still) by my marriage for a few years and the attraction/respect was pretty much gone but we had a really nice lifestyle and he did the lost child thing, I literally could not imagine how to leave, we were so enmeshed. and so I gave in to a guy who gave me attention and had an affair for several months, I wasn't planning it but it just kept snowballing and continuing, the lies were really hard to stay on top of and I absolutely hated who I became as it was so far from who I wanted to be. Told H about the affair and from that day he hated me even more and also now had the ammunition to blame me for all our issues (that he had mainly created) and paint me absolutely black to family/friends. I wanted to leave for OM but I still felt too guilty to leave H who fell apart when I said I wanted to separate. Then was angry, then sad, then angry, rinse repeat. Our once-OK relationship was absolutely dragged through the mud and we are now divorcing and acrimoniously trying to co parent dc, who he never sees. Funny enough I kind of now feel I need to stay single and not even date. It was the marriage making me unhappy and I should have left years before even contemplating an affair. If you are at that point, you have already stayed too long... get out is my advice. I am a shell of my former self and have dragged drama into the lives of too many people.

Get some couples counselling if you think you husband has the ability to change and If you still hold some affection for him. If he can not change or won't attend counselling, devise and exit plan, put finances in place and then leave him but don't embark on an affair immediately and think it will solve the problems. This man is likely to turn out to be a transition relationship and you have to weigh up if you could cope with life as a single person if the affair partner dies not turn out to be a stayed.. I don't know if you have children, but if you do it's huge upheaval for them as well. You both need to have a roof over your heads and accept standard of living is likely to diminish for both of you. Think of the short medium and long terms goals you want and how realistic it is.